F Today

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.