Lessons Learned in Florida

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Trouble Brewing

Hi, everybody.

Welp, the trip isn’t going as planned. I’m having issues sleeping, issues eating, issues being nice, and well, just everything.

I’ve turned back into an absolute jerk. Why? Can’t really pinpoint it. I think I didn’t *need* this vacation. Hell, I don’t know if I even wanted it. I miss my boxers. I miss my dogs. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I finally got back on track.

I did move my flight back up one day. Thankfully. No, this isn’t failure. This is me trying to solve the problem. Or avoid it? Who the fuck knows. I’m lonely here.

Yeah, it’s only a few day trip, but every single moment for an individual who struggles with depression and anxiety feels 25x longer than your average dude.

My nightmares returned. Sleepless nights full of sweat. I didn’t miss these.

I set a reminder to write a blog yesterday. It popped up again today and I moved it back again. Then I just decided to fucking write. I don’t think it’s doing much, but at least I’m heard here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Off To Florida! Routine Threatened?

Hi, everybody!

Tomorrow I head to Florida. Family trip. Pretty pumped, don’t get to do this too often. Won’t have my computer but I’ll try to post from my phone if I think about it.

And yes, I promise, I am pretty pumped. Am I a bit worried? Not really, but kind of. I’m leaving my routine for a week, which is going to be a bit odd. Now, my routine does shift throughout the week, but the meat of it stays the same. This next week, everything will change. I’ll be around my parents often, which is always a challenge for me. It’s nothing to do with them. It’s everything to do with me. I need to stay aware of that while I’m gone.

But I always tell you lot we can’t spend our time worrying. We can’t focus on just the negatives. We can’t. We’ll go mad. We’ll have to start a blog just to keep our head above water… oh, wait.

The positives? Plenty. You want to know what I can’t wait to do? Jump rope in beautiful weather with water around me. Run in the sand. Shadow box in the sand. Try new training exercises with natural resistance.

“BUT IT’S A VACATION!”

Exactly. That means I can do what I want with my own time (which should really happen all the time, not just vacation). Right now, what makes me happiest is training myself both physically and mentally. I plan to continue to do that while I’m on vacation. Looks like the meat of the routine isn’t threatened whatsoever.

It took writing to understand that. Ain’t that beautiful? I had a question to start with and through writing, I was able to figure out an answer. Fuck, I love this shit. It’s amazing what we can do ourselves even when we’re worried, scared, in fear. Trust yourself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So, How Did The Tough Conversations Go?

Hi, everyone!

Hope you like the style change on the blog. I didn’t like the other one. Too sloppy. I like it clean, y’know?

OK, so yesterday I wrote about tough conversations and boy, did I get some unexpected… well, let’s just get into it.

First of all, I mentioned talking to one of my boxers about the possibility of her not being able to fight because she doesn’t have that “killer mentality” or that “fighter” in her. The jury is still out on that, but we did end up naturally breaking down a wall or two yesterday. After some very light sparring, my boxer broke down. She could see she couldn’t pull the trigger and ACTUALLY hit me in the face. Can I put her in sparring knowing that? No. It’s dangerous for her. But we did discuss her mentals, what’s holding her back, the what-if’s, and much more.

That tough conversation created growth. And guess what? It happened naturally. Stay tuned.

Now for the boss conversation, well that was supposed to happen next Monday. Turns out you can’t always have what you want. To refresh your mind (how dare you not read my last post), I took a job at a new company. Planned on putting my two weeks in at my current company next week. Everything happened in such a funny way, though. Let me explain.

We had a team meeting. My boss manages four states/territories. Turns out he put in his two weeks! CONGRATS to him! Moving on to bigger and better things. However, he did ask me to stay behind in the meeting to talk with me.

“—-, are you leaving such and such company?” My boss asked, already knowing the answer.

“—–! What makes you say that?” I said, with a laugh and a definitive shit-eating grin.

Turns out telling one of my best friends at the company was a bad idea. They couldn’t keep their mouth shut. However, it all worked out into perfect hilarity. My boss’ situation with leaving the company meant he didn’t really care I was leaving because it wasn’t impacting him. You know what he told me?

“How about we forget we talked about this and just have the same conversation on Monday?” James said, smiling.

Guess who isn’t going to go a full month without a paycheck now? This guy.

It pays to be a good person to others. It pays to be a hard worker. It pays to be open with others. It pays to be vulnerable. Everything we’re scared of, everything we fear, helps us grow if we can conquer that son of a bitch.

Make those tough conversations happen, people. Trust me on this one.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Tough Conversations

Hi, everybody!

I’m a bit frantic today. I have a couple tough conversations coming up and although I feel comfortable going into them, the anxiousness is still alive and well in me.

What conversations, you ask?

  • One of my boxers doesn’t have the mentals to compete. She honestly doesn’t like punching people in the face, but she won’t admit to it. I’ll try one more sparring session with her and if nothing changes, it’s in her best interest to get competition out of her mind. Why? Well, her hypothetical opponent wouldn’t be afraid to punch her. That’s a problem for her. The problem for me? Keeping her motivated to keep coming in and getting the work in because the work she puts in is almost essential for her mentals to balance out.
  • I have to put in my two weeks at a company I’ve been at for three years. Three years. That’s pretty much two more years than I’ve put in anywhere else in my … 15 or so odd years of employment. It’ll be weird, new, but I’m very excited for it. I get to start my new job on April 19th and I can’t even begin to tell you how pumped I am for a new challenge.

But tough conversations are always good conversations. You learn from them. You change from them. You grow from them. Remember, fear is something we construct in our own minds. It’s not fucking real. Push it away. Go for those tough conversation so you continue to learn, change, and grow. It’s worth it, I promise.

Don’t be one of those people who continuously mentions the weather. No one likes conversing with that person.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Being Vulnerable With A Purpose

Hi, everybody.

Over the past two days, I’ve opened up to quite a few new people in my life. Whether it was about where I’m at financially, in my love life, or how my mentals are doing, I’ve made sure to make myself vulnerable to people.

Why? Why the fuck would you do that, man? Sounds terrible.

It is terrible. At the start. Then the other person opens up. Then you listen. Then you have a friend. It’s a scary process, but a very simple process. We as humans tend to overcomplicate the simplest of things. Let’s stop doing that.

I wrote about “ordinary courage” last week. I’ve really been practicing it since then. It’s freeing. I’ve never been embarrassed (in my adult life) about my mental condition, my drug addiction, or any of the other “whoa” shit. However, I didn’t understand the importance of what I’ve went through and how it can positively impact others till I started this blog.

You, me, all of us battling through depression, anxiety, and all the other bullshit. Guess what? We’re fucking champions. And you’re a Champion of mental health. Get out there, speak with people, show that ordinary courage on a daily basis. I can almost guarantee you make a friend or two. And if not, I bet there’s something you do to help others, and really that’s all that matters here.

We’re all in this together, folks. Whether your struggles are mental or physical, we all struggle. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. Get out there and help the fellow strugglers (there’s plenty to choose from). You’ll be surprised on how much you really do have to offer.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quarantine Boredom

Hey, everyone.

My mood’s dropped significantly over the past few days. Luckily, I’m let out of the house here in… four days. Almost there.

I’m trying to will myself to do things I need to do, or want to do, during this quarantine, but I can’t seem to muster up enough will. How do I will will? Is that a thing? Brain feels like mush.

I hope all of you are out there enjoying life and making new memories. I’ll be back out there soon enough.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sorry For The Language, But… Fuck

Let me start this off with…

Wait, hold on.

Hi, everybody!

OK, let me start this off with the fact that I am stupid tired right now. I’m so very stressed at the moment I just scheduled out emails to go out in the morning for me. Highly effective, but I rarely do that. I know I’m overextending myself when I am doing that. WOAH, see? Writing just fleshed that all out for me. Holy shit.

OK, where are we driving?

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the language in the title. Let me explain the best I can. Disclaimer: I know there are certain stigmas around things, some items are overblown, not as bad as we’ve been conditioned into thinking they are, but still, as you read this, understand I’m just fucking scared. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m scared.

I slept with a woman the other night. Long story short, the condom broke within 30-45 seconds, most likely. Things got weird at the very start & I cut it off. Once I pulled out, well, things got even more weird.

Fuck, you know what I just realized? My Pops reads this shit. Welp, if you’re reading this, man, understand I’m a BIT STRESSED FROM THIS RIGHT NOW. Sorry in advance. Well, I’ll try to be aware. I will. See? Writing, man. It’s pretty cool.

OK, we were driving the right way there but we lost our signal for a moment. We’re back, baby. Remember, I’m stupid tired. So, yes, things somehow became more strange & let me tell you, the things that made me stop within a minute were very, very strange. I don’t just stop having sex without a valid reason. I heard things I’ve never heard before. I don’t know if I’ll unhear them.

Anyway, let’s get back to it. This is the paragraph, I promise. I will get to the fucking point. (You should find that funny later.) Cut past some emotional moments, questions, & it turns out she has herpes. Yes, herpes. Just typing that made my heart drop. IF YOU FOUND ANGER READING THAT, PLEASE REFER TO THE KIND DISCLAIMER UP TOP. THANK YOU. I don’t know what it is about it, but the best way I can describe it is I don’t want to add it to my list. One thing to definitely mention: there was no outbreak & there hasn’t been any in quite some time. That gives me slight piece of mind. But OK, the list…

I am:

  • Gluten intolerant – like the real kind
  • Soy intolerant – honestly don’t know if this is real but I feel better without it
  • Lactose intolerant – not going to lie to you folks, I can sacrifice a lot of time & toilet paper if the cheese is good enough
  • Former drug addict – once a drug addict, always a drug addict, am I right, y’all? WHY DID THEY TEACH US THAT?
  • Jailed multiple times as a kid
  • Pulled away from the home to stay in group homes & other places that were… oof, to say the least
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • I write blogs about herpes at 1:15 AM

I mean, do I need to keep going? No. You get the point. But now we add a whopper to this list. Whopper Jr., if you’re reading this. We could be adding herpes, folks. Fuck. That’s why I said it in the title. Because, well, fuck. That’s all I can think about it. I’m not even trying to be funny. I can’t be funny with this shit. I can’t get a single straight thought across.

I know my life isn’t over. Again, check the disclaimer. I’m just scared, y’all. I’m hoping I can catch a break. I really hope I do. Knock on wood? (Literally knocked on wood after I typed that… out. Well, I did it again for good measure right now.)

I gave you a list of the bad shit about me. That was rude. Woe is me isn’t allowed in this shit. I have plenty positive to say to myself, to you about myself, & plenty to be grateful for. But sometimes, y’all, it’s OK to feel like the fucking world is closing in on you. The water rising as you reach the ceiling. Breath becoming more & more valuable with the pass of each anxious moment.

Again, I’m stupid tired right now. I don’t even know if we’re talking about herpes anymore.

OK, well, I’m not going to list out of the positive things. I’ve said them to myself. I’m good with that. I hope you are, too. Why don’t you try saying some positive things about yourself? Stop being so negative all the time, god damn. What’s there to be scared about? Herpes?

Maybe.

But we’ll get through it. Together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

IF YOU CARE: I’m getting tested tomorrow morning for all other STDs, getting tested for herpes after the accurate incubation period. All of these fucking medical bills are getting ridiculous.

SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, OH WELL. I REFUSE TO EDIT vA BLOG ON HERPES. GOOD DAY.

UPDATE TO THE SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I DID EDIT. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, JUST GO AWAY. Fuck, I need to sleep.

Moving Out

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.