Decision Made

Hi, everybody.

It’s a R&R type of afternoon and I’ve had some time to think about this blog. I’ve decided the quality of my posts has drastically taken a hit with this damn streak on my mind, so I’ve set an end date for the streak.

With this post, it will be 147(?) posts in 147 days. That’s a lot. I think a lot but not enough to write THAT much. So I’ll be calling my daily streak quits at 150.

Now that sounds like a commitment, I get it, but it’s not. If I feel like I need to keep writing to solve a thought in my head or if my anxiety kicks in and doesn’t want to let the streak go away, I will continue to write.

But right here, right now, I think a good stopping point is 150 posts in 150 days. The goal was originally 30 posts in 30 days. We’re about to 5x that! Insane, right?

But the content has struggled as of yet. I apologize for that. I don’t know if it’s really because I’m writing too much. I think it’s just been my mood. I’m back to that whole “not excited” me. I hate this version. Luckily it hasn’t been hitting me like a ton of bricks as it usually does, but that time could come if I don’t figure something out.

So yeah, I might keep writing. But right now, let’s agree to stop at 150.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Yourself

Hi, everybody.

Do you have a difficult time understanding yourself? I do. Not all the time but, well, a lot of the time.

The funny thing? Most people I know think I’m one of the most confident people they know. The faces we can put on, right? You lot know the real me more than most in real life.

Are we made to understand ourselves? What’s to understand? Both good questions and both extremely difficult to answer. I mean, even when I think about things now, I wonder how I’ll ever “understand” myself or what that even means. But I came into writing this blog thinking it. Now, after the wonderful power of writing struck, I don’t think there is an understanding of ourselves. I mean, we kind of just are what we are, right? No need to understand it.

Again, what the hell did I just write?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It’s A QD!

Quote day. QD stands for quote day.

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently at a graduation party but I wanted to write a bit — then I realized I don’t have much today. So what did I do? Scoured the internet for some gosh darn amazing quotes. Just for you.

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

Morris West

You can say that again.

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

Seneca

I mean, that’s hard to argue.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

Sense a theme yet?

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.

Les Brown

Yup.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

If You’re Like Me, Read This

Hi, everybody.

A friend who shares somewhat similar struggles as me recommended a book recently. Usually I say “OK, I’ll read it” and never follow through.

Well, it helps your recommendation to be read if I’m attracted to you. And that’s the case here. But boy, am I glad I listened to her and my attraction.

What’s this book? Published in 2007, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer, provides a gut punch to your inner self. The battle between outer vs. inner. You know, a lot of what this blog is about. At least that’s what I’ve read so far.

Pick the book up if you want to. I’m three chapters in and it’s already caught my eye. Enough so where I’m recommending it this early. Hell, the book could be absolutely terrible by the end of it all. But if you pick it up, at least read through chapter three.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

F Today

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Coming to an End

Hi, everybody.

Don’t worry, this blog isn’t finished! However, I think I need to stop thinking about this streak a bit less (this will be 78 days in a row). It actually drives my anxiety up and with the way I’ve been feeling lately, that’s definitely not needed. Why has this been driving my anxiety up? It’s not the writing itself, but it’s the self-given obligation + not much material to write about. Like today, I don’t have anything for ya really. I played tennis with my Pops earlier, worked out, did a bunch of chores, and I coach later this evening. That’s it. My days are all the same. At least it feels that way. Always in a rush, always looking at the clock.

Want to know what my focus is? I want to make some money. I want to be comfortable enough where I can travel more and just do more. Right now my life is boring. I’m getting to the point where I’m not excited for anything again and it’s fucking scary. My passions are depleting and the repetitive motions are getting to me. What can I change? Myself, a bit. I can be a bit more aware of this feeling and try to combat it with practical ideas, such as doing more work on the weekends so I better set myself up for the week. I don’t know. I’m drowning. I’m 30 and lost. I’m fucking lost.

I’ll still write to you lot, I promise. Maybe not tomorrow but maybe tomorrow, who the hell knows.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Month Change

Hi, everybody.

I’m slightly worried. Tomorrow my girlfriend leaves for Egypt for a month. No, I’m not worried about what she’ll be doing in Egypt, but a lot of my time is spent with her. Whether it’s hanging out, grabbing dinner, or boxing, we spend A LOT of time together. So that will all change–and for a month at that–scary.

I plan to spend plenty of time on myself. Also, my wallet will thank her for leaving for a month (we eat out a decent amount, it’s one of my favorite things to do and hers as well). But again, I am worried. I’m a man that enjoys structure, routine, sometimes the same ol’ same ol’.

But I have my support system with me as always. Also, she’s just a WhatsApp message away. Who will be my new training partner for the next month? No clue. I need to figure that out quick.

I think I’ll spend a good amount of the next month writing to you lot, too. I hope you don’t mind. I consider those who read my blog some of the people that know me the best. You know the real me. The vulnerable me. And someone needs to know that side of me.

Let’s push through this together. With the help from you lot, I can do so much more than without you lot. When I write, I feel better. When I write to you, I feel a whole lot better.

I’m going to spend the rest of the day enjoying time with my girlfriend before she leaves. I hope she has a tremendous time, but I will miss her.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Today I Can’t Talk

Hi, everybody!

BIG study day for me today. Final assessment out of the company boot camp tomorrow morning. Also, today’s a day I like peace and quiet. Along with the pressure for the presentation tomorrow, it happens to be the anniversary of my brother’s death today.

I can get further into detail about all of this stuff at a later date. Today my goals are to keep my head down and study, be there for my parents at the cemetery, and play some damn good sand volleyball. That’s all I got for you today. Heart is racing quite a bit and it’s racing more as a type, so it’s time to sign off devices.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.