Tag: fear

Lacking Color

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Not going to say much today. Just using this as a way to get some shit off my chest. Yesterday I had flowers delivered to an ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what I thought would come from it, but it’s not hurting as bad as I thought not receiving a message back from her. I think I can find closure through this… super odd thing to do. It was probably dumb. I don’t know. I’m so fucking lost.

I’m losing purpose in my everyday life. Each day again feels the same, gray, distant. Each day feels like there’s something crucial slipping away. Each day I feel like I’m wasting. Everything is gray.

I go into the office more to get away from my own thoughts, but here I am in the office only thinking of my thoughts. What an odd sentence. But I can’t help it – my focus isn’t there. I’ve tried changing up my routine, how I’m treating myself, and a few other aspects of my life, but I keep finding myself worse off than before.

And I very well could be bitching about absolutely nothing. Who knows what’s valid to complain about nowadays. Who knows what to do when you struggle with depression and anxiety every single damn day. You just take it on the chin and move on. That’s it. You tell everyone you’re okay. It’s better that way.

Everything is gray. And I have nothing left to say.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

2022 – So What?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

The title reads in a negative light. It isn’t supposed to. My bad.

Tomorrow we start 2022! To be completely honest, I’m not at all a “NEW YEAR, NEW ME” type of person, but I am proud of what I’ve accomplished this year. And I’m proud of the ones around me. Grateful, too.

This year had its ups and downs, that’s for sure. But if we were to sum it all up, I think the ups outweigh the downs. And that’s what we want, right?

This year has been about awareness for me. Truly the first year I’ve really focused in on it – and boy am I glad I did so. I’m aware of how I feel so much more often now and CAN STOP myself from doing horrible things and/or saying terrible things.

I’ve also grown professionally and grown physically. Mentally I’ve grown. All year – growth!

Have you checked in with yourself in a bit? You should. I bet you surprise yourself with all the awesome stuff you did this year (and no, it doesn’t have to be a trip to Jamaica or some shit).

Good luck in 2022. Thanks for tagging along with me on these blog posts. I appreciate you all pushing me to write more and more. It helps.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

NERVOUS

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everybody.

Quick post today. Wish me luck. I have a huge interview at 3 PM CT that could really change a lot for me. I’ve prepared for it but you know how our brains work – very unpredictable.

I’m hoping the best of me comes out. I tried everything in my power so far to pull him out – boxing, running, walking the dogs, eating a little something. It doesn’t seem to be working but maybe by 3 PM I’ll have a bit less anxiety.

I really hope I do well here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Decision Made

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s a R&R type of afternoon and I’ve had some time to think about this blog. I’ve decided the quality of my posts has drastically taken a hit with this damn streak on my mind, so I’ve set an end date for the streak.

With this post, it will be 147(?) posts in 147 days. That’s a lot. I think a lot but not enough to write THAT much. So I’ll be calling my daily streak quits at 150.

Now that sounds like a commitment, I get it, but it’s not. If I feel like I need to keep writing to solve a thought in my head or if my anxiety kicks in and doesn’t want to let the streak go away, I will continue to write.

But right here, right now, I think a good stopping point is 150 posts in 150 days. The goal was originally 30 posts in 30 days. We’re about to 5x that! Insane, right?

But the content has struggled as of yet. I apologize for that. I don’t know if it’s really because I’m writing too much. I think it’s just been my mood. I’m back to that whole “not excited” me. I hate this version. Luckily it hasn’t been hitting me like a ton of bricks as it usually does, but that time could come if I don’t figure something out.

So yeah, I might keep writing. But right now, let’s agree to stop at 150.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Yourself

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Do you have a difficult time understanding yourself? I do. Not all the time but, well, a lot of the time.

The funny thing? Most people I know think I’m one of the most confident people they know. The faces we can put on, right? You lot know the real me more than most in real life.

Are we made to understand ourselves? What’s to understand? Both good questions and both extremely difficult to answer. I mean, even when I think about things now, I wonder how I’ll ever “understand” myself or what that even means. But I came into writing this blog thinking it. Now, after the wonderful power of writing struck, I don’t think there is an understanding of ourselves. I mean, we kind of just are what we are, right? No need to understand it.

Again, what the hell did I just write?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It’s A QD!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Quote day. QD stands for quote day.

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently at a graduation party but I wanted to write a bit — then I realized I don’t have much today. So what did I do? Scoured the internet for some gosh darn amazing quotes. Just for you.

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

Morris West

You can say that again.

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

Seneca

I mean, that’s hard to argue.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

Sense a theme yet?

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.

Les Brown

Yup.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

If You’re Like Me, Read This

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

A friend who shares somewhat similar struggles as me recommended a book recently. Usually I say “OK, I’ll read it” and never follow through.

Well, it helps your recommendation to be read if I’m attracted to you. And that’s the case here. But boy, am I glad I listened to her and my attraction.

What’s this book? Published in 2007, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer, provides a gut punch to your inner self. The battle between outer vs. inner. You know, a lot of what this blog is about. At least that’s what I’ve read so far.

Pick the book up if you want to. I’m three chapters in and it’s already caught my eye. Enough so where I’m recommending it this early. Hell, the book could be absolutely terrible by the end of it all. But if you pick it up, at least read through chapter three.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

F Today

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Coming to an End

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Don’t worry, this blog isn’t finished! However, I think I need to stop thinking about this streak a bit less (this will be 78 days in a row). It actually drives my anxiety up and with the way I’ve been feeling lately, that’s definitely not needed. Why has this been driving my anxiety up? It’s not the writing itself, but it’s the self-given obligation + not much material to write about. Like today, I don’t have anything for ya really. I played tennis with my Pops earlier, worked out, did a bunch of chores, and I coach later this evening. That’s it. My days are all the same. At least it feels that way. Always in a rush, always looking at the clock.

Want to know what my focus is? I want to make some money. I want to be comfortable enough where I can travel more and just do more. Right now my life is boring. I’m getting to the point where I’m not excited for anything again and it’s fucking scary. My passions are depleting and the repetitive motions are getting to me. What can I change? Myself, a bit. I can be a bit more aware of this feeling and try to combat it with practical ideas, such as doing more work on the weekends so I better set myself up for the week. I don’t know. I’m drowning. I’m 30 and lost. I’m fucking lost.

I’ll still write to you lot, I promise. Maybe not tomorrow but maybe tomorrow, who the hell knows.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Month Change

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everybody.

I’m slightly worried. Tomorrow my girlfriend leaves for Egypt for a month. No, I’m not worried about what she’ll be doing in Egypt, but a lot of my time is spent with her. Whether it’s hanging out, grabbing dinner, or boxing, we spend A LOT of time together. So that will all change–and for a month at that–scary.

I plan to spend plenty of time on myself. Also, my wallet will thank her for leaving for a month (we eat out a decent amount, it’s one of my favorite things to do and hers as well). But again, I am worried. I’m a man that enjoys structure, routine, sometimes the same ol’ same ol’.

But I have my support system with me as always. Also, she’s just a WhatsApp message away. Who will be my new training partner for the next month? No clue. I need to figure that out quick.

I think I’ll spend a good amount of the next month writing to you lot, too. I hope you don’t mind. I consider those who read my blog some of the people that know me the best. You know the real me. The vulnerable me. And someone needs to know that side of me.

Let’s push through this together. With the help from you lot, I can do so much more than without you lot. When I write, I feel better. When I write to you, I feel a whole lot better.

I’m going to spend the rest of the day enjoying time with my girlfriend before she leaves. I hope she has a tremendous time, but I will miss her.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.