Losing My Best Friend

Hi, everybody.

Last week, on Thursday, I lost my best friend of 11 years. Her name was Bella and she was a beautiful dog with an even more beautiful soul. Here’s what I wrote from one of my posts yesterday and I wanted to make sure to put it right here on my blog. I might even upload some photos, who knows. I don’t feel like typing more stuff out right now because it saddens me, but I would love to recount everything about Bella one day. One day real soon.

This whole thing tore me apart. It really did. Bella experienced a rapid health decline due to unknown cancer in her body. But if there’s one thing I learned from my very best friend, it’s this: You can keep going, no matter how shitty you feel. Bella brought me through beating drug addiction, battling depression and anxiety, bad relationships, and so much more. Every time I looked at her she would reassure me to keep going. She loved me no matter which side of the bed I woke up on—and man, am I forever grateful for her.

Bella also spent quite a bit of time with many close friends in my life and left a positive impact on them, too. She was truly special.

Bella loved to: 1. play fetch, 2. play more fetch, 3. butt rubs, 4. chase squirrels (damn them), 5. swim, run, anything exciting, 6) eat anything, including trash, 7) be there for me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever capture a relationship quite like I had with Bella. I don’t believe I want another relationship like the one I had with her. Nothing can replace her and that makes me happy. Genuinely happy. She lived an extremely healthy life and sadly cancer came to end it short (and abruptly).

I love you so much, Bella. I hope wherever you are they are topping your food with raw salmon, feeding you eggs, and continuously throwing the tennis ball for you. Heck, I hope they have a Chuck-It! for you. You loved those.

I’ll miss my best friend but Bella was also a best friend to my other dog, Louie. He is adjusting quite well—probably gets his strength from ol’ Bella girl. I’ll miss you, Bella. Gone too soon. You’ll never be forgotten.

Thank you for everything, Bella. You were one of a kind. A true best friend. Family.

Bella Girl | 05/26/2010 – 11/04/21

The Last Few Days

Hi, everybody.

It’s not often anymore that I write to you in the morning but here we are. The past week took me for a ride – let’s go through that.

Wednesday of last week I took a new job. A job I consider to be “life-changing” if I do it right. I was very happy. I even wrote a tiny blog on it.

Wednesday night, my 11-year old dog starts to look sick, lethargic, whatever. Bad.

Thursday morning I bring her to the vet. No good news. Rapid decline in health. Needs to be put down by end of the day.

I had that dog at the age of 19. She got me through EVERYTHING over the past 11 years. It was my turn to help her out by making sure she didn’t spend a single day on this planet being miserable or in poor health. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right decision to make. I’ll miss her always and forever, but just like my brother she will live on with me. She made me such a better human being without every saying a word.

I chose to box on Saturday and compete in the event I was scheduled to compete in. Coach and I drove a couple hours to the venue – I had just lost about 5 lbs because I put on some weight after my dog passed. I needed to weigh in at 168 so I made sure to chew gum and spit throughout the whole drive to the venue. Came in at 168.6 – just good enough. Phew. Hell of a week but still made weight.

Coach and I head out to grab some food. When we come back, I notice my name isn’t on the bout sheet. I asked what’s up? Why not?

The guy I was supposed to box found himself in jail the morning of the fight. Go figure. Shit. I was really looking forward to punching someone after the week I had.

Want to know the craziest shit? I’m actually doing OK now. My family supported me, my friends supported me, and all of my past adversities supported me here. We really do get stronger if we choose to get stronger. I know this blog is always a mess and this post proves it, but as always, thank you for letting me talk to you–it’s always nice to vent.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Colorado Vibes

Hi, everybody.

I know, alarming off the bat. I used the word “vibe” in the title. Who have I become?

In all seriousness, I had an anxiety attack as I normally do when I head out on a trip. Luckily I had someone to talk to about it. It’s nice to be close enough to someone to talk about these things audibly sometimes. It’s also nice that she cares and tries to understand.

Tonight I get to take her out to dinner after a long car ride and some dispensary/walking around fun this afternoon. I’m grateful for that. But I wanted to make sure to take a moment here, breathe, acknowledge this, and move on with the night.

Thank you for being an outlet for me. Anxiety, depression, all of it — we can beat any of it. You can. I can. It doesn’t happen all at once, but one won battle is worth a celebration. Celebrate yourself tonight/today/whatever time it is for you right now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Relationships

Hi, everybody.

I really hope you’re doing well today. I am. I hope you are, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships–and not just those with a significant other, but I’ll focus on that specific situation here.

Recently I have spent quite a bit of time with what some would call a “significant other” or someone I’m in a relationship with, but I don’t believe we identify with that label. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding everything around me. But we have talked about it and decided that dating isn’t a good idea right now–but is that truthful from both ends?

So now it’s about trying to understand or unearth what we do not know. Whatever’s going on inside that other person’s noggin. It’s a scary venture and I’m here to tell you one thing: DON’T DO IT.

It’s not your job to know what the other person is thinking. It is on you to treat someone with respect and dignity, but it is in no way, shape, or form your job to express another person’s feelings for them.

Am I just telling myself this so I don’t feel like a dick? Yes and no.

I’ve made this mistake many of times before and I hope I’m not making yet another mistake here. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the conversation, I enjoy the other stuff. Maybe one day it will evolve into something else, but right now I’m happy with what’s in front of me. I’m happy with what I’m doing right now with this situation.

So, yeah. Understanding relationships is kind of your job, I guess that’s my point here. It’s your job to understand where you’re at in the relationship and it’s your job to be respectful of the person you are with.

Sounds easy, right? Ha.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

F Today

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

They’re Back

Hi, everybody.

Here we go again, another blog to vent to you lot. My apologies. After this damn streak hits 100, I am going to move to a blog post a week. All with real substance to them, too. Well, hopefully. You lot know how my mind works at this point–it’s kind of all over the place.

Welp, my significant other arrived back in the country today. They have no clue where my mind has been at the past month but I do plan on breaking it off with the individual. It’s scary because they’re so integrated into my life and, well, I hate doing this type of stuff. It hurts to hurt someone.

But I have to remind myself of the positives here. I’m 1) stopping any false hope 2) ending things before they escalate 3) I’m setting someone free from someone like me.

The last one sounds harsh, but I’ll be honest with you lot as I usually am–I’m still in no condition to be in a relationship. I’m angry, irritable, selfish, and worst of all, I shut down.

The person deserves more than me. I deserve more of myself and learning more about myself so I can better love who I am as a person. But this time I’ve learned a lesson. At least I hope so. Impulse is almost never a good feeling to follow, and that’s just what I did here. I mention overthinking a lot, but sometimes it’s necessary. Life isn’t always about throwing shit at a wall and hoping it sticks. Sometimes it takes a deep dive into your own damn soul to figure out what’s going on with you.

I’m still trying to figure that out. Hopefully therapy tomorrow helps.

I am fearful of what’s to come but ready to accept any consequences of my actions here. I must remain aware of that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Much Room for Activities

Hi, everybody!

It’s been a busy, busy day (what else is new?). It’s been a FANTASTIC day so far. What happened? Well, good 5-6 rounds of sparring, some tennis with my Pops, and finished off with some more bag rounds (mainly working on my inside game–uppercuts and hooks). In just a bit, I’ll be heading to play volleyball. Safe to say I should sleep just fine tonight.

So all the external stuff is going well for me today, now it’s time to check in mentally. I advise you to do the same. The day might feel like it’s going well, but maybe you aren’t dealing with some demons. Maybe I’m not dealing with some demons. But it’s time to figure that out for ourselves.

Time to dig deep. Give me one moment.

I still fear the potential conversation I will have to have with my significant other when they return. Maybe that’s why I’ve kept myself so busy today (shit, I’ve only eaten a banana today, too). Maybe I’m hiding. Hopefully this writing is bringing me out of my shell. Well, it is. I’m already working though this issue in my head, through this writing. Am I any better off? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s like I always say, the important part is being aware. Understanding not just what’s around you, but what’s going on inside you, too.

Remember that. Even if the day is feeling great, make sure to take a deep breath and really check in with yourself. Same thing goes for when you’re feeling shitty. Awareness is key. Now let’s get back to the physical demands of the day, eh?!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Complicated Problem (To Me)

Hi, everybody!

Well, I’m back. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that or not. I am back home. And booooy does it feel good. Doggos are being doggos, running around like crazy, begging for food and walks. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But I have a problem.

Since my significant other has been gone, I’ve noticed I don’t share the connection I thought I had with them. Things scare me about the relationship, mainly age and where we’re at in life. We’ve went through completely different lives. I’m at a loss. They have been away and when they’re back, I may have to break it off. I’m beat up about this. But I shouldn’t be, should I? At least I’ve realized this. I can’t break up with them while they’re in another country, obviously, that’s heartbreaking. But I do want to have a talk to them in-person. I want to let them know I’m not happy with how things are now that we’re dating.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I do this every single time. I jump into something and realize I’ve fucked up about two weeks in. It’s terrible.

So what do I do? Well, maybe my feelings will change after the next week. Maybe they’ll change before they gets back. Hell, it has been a long month and this week has really put a dent in my mental stamina. But maybe it won’t. Maybe my feelings won’t change.

And what about this pattern I have? What do I do about that?

Usually when I write… I get to solutions for myself. This time that’s not the case. I guess I’ll have to keep digging deeper, try to understand what I’m feeling a bit more, and hopefully receive some advice from friends… if I have the balls to mention this.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Day to Day Change

If you read my post yesterday, you’d know I was in a quite happy-go-lucky mood. I was intent on realizing the life-changing opportunities and/or possibilities for me now & in the future.

Well, things change. They change day to day, as the title reads, but they also change minute to minute, sometimes in even shorter spans than that.

What spurred this change? Well, my emotional instability is a key factor in all of this, but let’s run the tape back to later in the evening of last night and earlier today.

Last night I had a conversation with that new possible companion I wrote about a few posts back that really changed everything for us moving forward. We didn’t click like we were clicking. There was anger for no apparent reason, and surprisingly not from my side. However, she is at a bachelorette party this weekend & drinking quite heavily, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we just don’t mesh. Sucks, but yeah. That’s the conclusion of that.

Earlier today, I of course was texting my ex. Earlier in the week we chatted over the phone & she asked a peculiar question, “Have you been seeing anyone?” I of course replied with a kinda, sorta, maybe answer – because that’s the honest truth. I spoke in my last post of letting go of the love and desire I have to be with my ex, but it’s extremely difficult to think of ever creating a connection even close to that again in my lifetime.

Well, going back to the question she asked earlier in the week, she ended up explaining why she asked it. First, she wanted to know if I was screwing anyone. Then she wanted to, at some point, tell me she’s been casually seeing someone. It took quite a bit to get her away from hinting at it & changing that to just telling me the harsh truth. I mean, she’s trying to move on. I get it, I do. Does that make it better? No.

It’s really hard to stomach. It really is. I have to go to a family friend’s house this evening for a dinner & I don’t know how I’ll behave. I’m frightened to be around anyone right now. Hell, I can’t even handle trying to give my dog’s attention right now. To top it off, I have to golf with those same family friends tomorrow morning, so I won’t be staying at my residence this evening. I’ll be in someone else’s bed with these thoughts. I always struggle with that.

Every single day, something changes. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s the exact opposite. Also, sometimes it feels like death. At least that’s what today feels like for me.

I hope you’re having a better day than me. You might be have a worse day than me & if so, I hope you get through it. I hope I get through this. I hope we all get through the struggles we’re faced with in this day to day, always changing life we lead.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.