Tag: Relationship

Cast Aside

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I lost another person in my life. Not to death, don’t worry about that, but a relationship I’ve been in and out of over the past three years blocked me to heal. She felt that our open communication wasn’t allowing either of us to heal – and I somewhat agree, but I’m left heavily confused and at a loss for self worth.

What blows my mind is how healing means throwing someone completely away. No possible future communication – all memories just that, memories. Nothing more. And most are in the process of being deleted out of my devices and hopefully out of my memory.

I’m self destructing as usual. I wanted to blog today because I thought it would help me feel better. Instead, I see a recurring situation here. I’m always moaning. I’m always talking about how much I suck, how small I am, and how much value I find in myself. That sucks. I don’t have much more time to figure all of this out. Each night I lie down in bed and hope to fall asleep without hitting an existential crisis and overwhelming thoughts of mortality. It doesn’t happen often. And when it does, it’s because I’ve stayed up with distractions that do nothing to better my life just so my mind is dead enough to just turn the fuck off.

I don’t get why I never feel good enough. To myself. To others. To family. To friends. To even my dog. It’s weird, and I know it all starts with loving myself. Understanding myself. All of that jazz. The stuff I talk about sometimes on here. But sometimes that shit feels unachievable. Each time I love myself, someone tells me a reason they don’t love me – and that builds and builds in my mind. At what point do I completely shut myself out from people? I feel it’s coming close. I find distractions just to keep going. I find distractions to keep breathing. I find distractions to cast aside who I am, who I need to be, and if I’ll ever be enough to myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Note

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Yes, I know. Stop writing quick notes. Stop saying you can’t write that much right now. I KNOW. Well, guess what? I have about 10 minutes to get three things done. I’ll do what I want.

Really only one thing to report – I’m talking to the woman I love again and we’re working through things. I have a healthy amount of hope, and I trust myself to learn from my past mistakes finally.

Let’s see how it goes, eh?

Weird blog, I know. I got more stuff to do! I’ll throw in a Siri reminder to write again midweek.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sleepy Blog

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

You guessed it. Siri reminded me again.

I’ve had a weird couple of weeks since I last blogged. A lot of ups and downs. However, I did get a chance to disconnect and recharge while I visited Arizona with the girlfriend. It was a great trip – filled with hikes, legal cannabis, and amazing food. Also really, really good company. It was only a few days, but it was just what I needed. I would never, ever live in Arizona, though. Yes, it’s dry so it doesn’t “feel” hot. But it “feels” hot, still. People down there just don’t want to admit it.

Outside of a little trip, I’ve had issues with my boxing coach and future going forward. That’s still up in the air. Although I have been training twice a day and really focusing in – but I don’t really have a goal in front of me, and that’s a bit scary. I worry for the longevity of my passion.

A couple other things going on. I’m overwhelmed. With work, with my side work, with coaching, training, spending time with friends and the girlfriend, family… lacking sleep. It’s getting a bit much, but I can’t seem to cut out anything. If anything, I just keep adding more and more, which leads me into the final thing “going on” with me right now.

The girlfriend is going through some internal struggles and that’s causing doubt in her heart. We had a long conversation about it yesterday, and it has nothing to do with me according to her, but a lot to do with her family and how tied in she is with them. She feels trapped. This was one of the only times I’ve been able to look someone in the eyes and tell me, “I love you, so I want you to choose what makes you happy.” Anthony de Mello would be proud. She chose to be with me, and understand that I don’t need anything out of her. If anything at all, I want her to focus on herself and solely herself. I want my girlfriend back, not the person who’s attacking herself and belittling her achievements each and every day. And that starts with her focusing on herself and forgetting about me for a bit. I’m fine being on the back burner for someone I love.

Not a bad blog for a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 days. Not bad at all. Or maybe it’s really bad. I guess it’s all subjective, isn’t it.

Oh! My pup is doing awesome. Sleeping right now after a long walk and a bit of a jog. I don’t know why I’m adding this, I just wanted to?

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Losing My Best Friend

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

Last week, on Thursday, I lost my best friend of 11 years. Her name was Bella and she was a beautiful dog with an even more beautiful soul. Here’s what I wrote from one of my posts yesterday and I wanted to make sure to put it right here on my blog. I might even upload some photos, who knows. I don’t feel like typing more stuff out right now because it saddens me, but I would love to recount everything about Bella one day. One day real soon.

This whole thing tore me apart. It really did. Bella experienced a rapid health decline due to unknown cancer in her body. But if there’s one thing I learned from my very best friend, it’s this: You can keep going, no matter how shitty you feel. Bella brought me through beating drug addiction, battling depression and anxiety, bad relationships, and so much more. Every time I looked at her she would reassure me to keep going. She loved me no matter which side of the bed I woke up on—and man, am I forever grateful for her.

Bella also spent quite a bit of time with many close friends in my life and left a positive impact on them, too. She was truly special.

Bella loved to: 1. play fetch, 2. play more fetch, 3. butt rubs, 4. chase squirrels (damn them), 5. swim, run, anything exciting, 6) eat anything, including trash, 7) be there for me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever capture a relationship quite like I had with Bella. I don’t believe I want another relationship like the one I had with her. Nothing can replace her and that makes me happy. Genuinely happy. She lived an extremely healthy life and sadly cancer came to end it short (and abruptly).

I love you so much, Bella. I hope wherever you are they are topping your food with raw salmon, feeding you eggs, and continuously throwing the tennis ball for you. Heck, I hope they have a Chuck-It! for you. You loved those.

I’ll miss my best friend but Bella was also a best friend to my other dog, Louie. He is adjusting quite well—probably gets his strength from ol’ Bella girl. I’ll miss you, Bella. Gone too soon. You’ll never be forgotten.

Thank you for everything, Bella. You were one of a kind. A true best friend. Family.

Bella Girl | 05/26/2010 – 11/04/21

The Last Few Days

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s not often anymore that I write to you in the morning but here we are. The past week took me for a ride – let’s go through that.

Wednesday of last week I took a new job. A job I consider to be “life-changing” if I do it right. I was very happy. I even wrote a tiny blog on it.

Wednesday night, my 11-year old dog starts to look sick, lethargic, whatever. Bad.

Thursday morning I bring her to the vet. No good news. Rapid decline in health. Needs to be put down by end of the day.

I had that dog at the age of 19. She got me through EVERYTHING over the past 11 years. It was my turn to help her out by making sure she didn’t spend a single day on this planet being miserable or in poor health. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right decision to make. I’ll miss her always and forever, but just like my brother she will live on with me. She made me such a better human being without every saying a word.

I chose to box on Saturday and compete in the event I was scheduled to compete in. Coach and I drove a couple hours to the venue – I had just lost about 5 lbs because I put on some weight after my dog passed. I needed to weigh in at 168 so I made sure to chew gum and spit throughout the whole drive to the venue. Came in at 168.6 – just good enough. Phew. Hell of a week but still made weight.

Coach and I head out to grab some food. When we come back, I notice my name isn’t on the bout sheet. I asked what’s up? Why not?

The guy I was supposed to box found himself in jail the morning of the fight. Go figure. Shit. I was really looking forward to punching someone after the week I had.

Want to know the craziest shit? I’m actually doing OK now. My family supported me, my friends supported me, and all of my past adversities supported me here. We really do get stronger if we choose to get stronger. I know this blog is always a mess and this post proves it, but as always, thank you for letting me talk to you–it’s always nice to vent.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Colorado Vibes

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I know, alarming off the bat. I used the word “vibe” in the title. Who have I become?

In all seriousness, I had an anxiety attack as I normally do when I head out on a trip. Luckily I had someone to talk to about it. It’s nice to be close enough to someone to talk about these things audibly sometimes. It’s also nice that she cares and tries to understand.

Tonight I get to take her out to dinner after a long car ride and some dispensary/walking around fun this afternoon. I’m grateful for that. But I wanted to make sure to take a moment here, breathe, acknowledge this, and move on with the night.

Thank you for being an outlet for me. Anxiety, depression, all of it — we can beat any of it. You can. I can. It doesn’t happen all at once, but one won battle is worth a celebration. Celebrate yourself tonight/today/whatever time it is for you right now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Relationships

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I really hope you’re doing well today. I am. I hope you are, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships–and not just those with a significant other, but I’ll focus on that specific situation here.

Recently I have spent quite a bit of time with what some would call a “significant other” or someone I’m in a relationship with, but I don’t believe we identify with that label. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding everything around me. But we have talked about it and decided that dating isn’t a good idea right now–but is that truthful from both ends?

So now it’s about trying to understand or unearth what we do not know. Whatever’s going on inside that other person’s noggin. It’s a scary venture and I’m here to tell you one thing: DON’T DO IT.

It’s not your job to know what the other person is thinking. It is on you to treat someone with respect and dignity, but it is in no way, shape, or form your job to express another person’s feelings for them.

Am I just telling myself this so I don’t feel like a dick? Yes and no.

I’ve made this mistake many of times before and I hope I’m not making yet another mistake here. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the conversation, I enjoy the other stuff. Maybe one day it will evolve into something else, but right now I’m happy with what’s in front of me. I’m happy with what I’m doing right now with this situation.

So, yeah. Understanding relationships is kind of your job, I guess that’s my point here. It’s your job to understand where you’re at in the relationship and it’s your job to be respectful of the person you are with.

Sounds easy, right? Ha.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

F Today

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

They’re Back

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

Here we go again, another blog to vent to you lot. My apologies. After this damn streak hits 100, I am going to move to a blog post a week. All with real substance to them, too. Well, hopefully. You lot know how my mind works at this point–it’s kind of all over the place.

Welp, my significant other arrived back in the country today. They have no clue where my mind has been at the past month but I do plan on breaking it off with the individual. It’s scary because they’re so integrated into my life and, well, I hate doing this type of stuff. It hurts to hurt someone.

But I have to remind myself of the positives here. I’m 1) stopping any false hope 2) ending things before they escalate 3) I’m setting someone free from someone like me.

The last one sounds harsh, but I’ll be honest with you lot as I usually am–I’m still in no condition to be in a relationship. I’m angry, irritable, selfish, and worst of all, I shut down.

The person deserves more than me. I deserve more of myself and learning more about myself so I can better love who I am as a person. But this time I’ve learned a lesson. At least I hope so. Impulse is almost never a good feeling to follow, and that’s just what I did here. I mention overthinking a lot, but sometimes it’s necessary. Life isn’t always about throwing shit at a wall and hoping it sticks. Sometimes it takes a deep dive into your own damn soul to figure out what’s going on with you.

I’m still trying to figure that out. Hopefully therapy tomorrow helps.

I am fearful of what’s to come but ready to accept any consequences of my actions here. I must remain aware of that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Much Room for Activities

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

It’s been a busy, busy day (what else is new?). It’s been a FANTASTIC day so far. What happened? Well, good 5-6 rounds of sparring, some tennis with my Pops, and finished off with some more bag rounds (mainly working on my inside game–uppercuts and hooks). In just a bit, I’ll be heading to play volleyball. Safe to say I should sleep just fine tonight.

So all the external stuff is going well for me today, now it’s time to check in mentally. I advise you to do the same. The day might feel like it’s going well, but maybe you aren’t dealing with some demons. Maybe I’m not dealing with some demons. But it’s time to figure that out for ourselves.

Time to dig deep. Give me one moment.

I still fear the potential conversation I will have to have with my significant other when they return. Maybe that’s why I’ve kept myself so busy today (shit, I’ve only eaten a banana today, too). Maybe I’m hiding. Hopefully this writing is bringing me out of my shell. Well, it is. I’m already working though this issue in my head, through this writing. Am I any better off? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s like I always say, the important part is being aware. Understanding not just what’s around you, but what’s going on inside you, too.

Remember that. Even if the day is feeling great, make sure to take a deep breath and really check in with yourself. Same thing goes for when you’re feeling shitty. Awareness is key. Now let’s get back to the physical demands of the day, eh?!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.