Thanksgiving!

Hi, everybody.

It’s of course been a minute since I last posted here, but I figure a post leading into Thanksgiving makes a bunch of sense for this website.

So what am I grateful for this year? A lot. Number one thing? My mental fortitude. I struggle on a day to day basis, but I always end up OK. Sometimes better than OK. And I’m grateful for that.

My parents. My god, my parents. They are everything to me. They mean so much to me, and I am so thankful and grateful to have them in my life.

My very best friend who I will not name. The only person in the entire universe that really knows all of me. The one person in the universe I can trust with anything and everything. Love you, brother.

My dog Louie. I mean, he’s right next to me snuggled up. He’s always there for me. I’m always there for him. We’re grateful for each other.

My career. It brings me security and honestly I have a lot of fun doing what I do. Not all folks are in this position and I acknowledge that. I’m thankful to have this privilege.

And you lot. I’ve had this blog for roughly two years, maybe a bit over. I don’t get crazy views, I don’t get crazy comments, but I do see you folks reading this blog and actually giving a damn. I hope you get something out of it like I do.

Thanksgiving is the best holiday. Endless food, sports, and you’re celebrated for taking a nap. Can’t beat it. However, I know some of you are not in this state of mind or not as privileged as I am to have these blessings. I hope you find the small happinesses in your life to bring yourself to a state of gratitude this week. If you would like to chat about it, feel free to comment.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Cast Aside

Hi, everybody.

I lost another person in my life. Not to death, don’t worry about that, but a relationship I’ve been in and out of over the past three years blocked me to heal. She felt that our open communication wasn’t allowing either of us to heal – and I somewhat agree, but I’m left heavily confused and at a loss for self worth.

What blows my mind is how healing means throwing someone completely away. No possible future communication – all memories just that, memories. Nothing more. And most are in the process of being deleted out of my devices and hopefully out of my memory.

I’m self destructing as usual. I wanted to blog today because I thought it would help me feel better. Instead, I see a recurring situation here. I’m always moaning. I’m always talking about how much I suck, how small I am, and how much value I find in myself. That sucks. I don’t have much more time to figure all of this out. Each night I lie down in bed and hope to fall asleep without hitting an existential crisis and overwhelming thoughts of mortality. It doesn’t happen often. And when it does, it’s because I’ve stayed up with distractions that do nothing to better my life just so my mind is dead enough to just turn the fuck off.

I don’t get why I never feel good enough. To myself. To others. To family. To friends. To even my dog. It’s weird, and I know it all starts with loving myself. Understanding myself. All of that jazz. The stuff I talk about sometimes on here. But sometimes that shit feels unachievable. Each time I love myself, someone tells me a reason they don’t love me – and that builds and builds in my mind. At what point do I completely shut myself out from people? I feel it’s coming close. I find distractions just to keep going. I find distractions to keep breathing. I find distractions to cast aside who I am, who I need to be, and if I’ll ever be enough to myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Four Walls

Each day I wake up on one bed, next to one dog, between four walls. Each day I roll out of bed, brush my teeth one time, shower once, and find myself between four walls.

I never quite know if I’m in the right spot. I know I’m safe. I know I’m where the world would want me. I’m exactly what everyone asked me to be. I’m everything people thought I wouldn’t be. I’m nothing I want to be. I’m there. But I’m not here. I don’t know if I will ever be here.

Each day I wake up on one bed, next to one dog, between four walls.

When I look in the mirror each morning, I don’t know who I’m looking at. Am I young? Am I old? How much time do I have left? How much time do others around me have left? Why do I have so many questions? What can I possibly do differently? What am I doing here? What happens if I’m not here? What should my focus be on? Wait, this mirror isn’t straight. I need to fix that.

Each day I roll out of bed, brush my teeth one time, shower once, and find myself between four walls.

It’s time to not worry about myself. It’s time to answer other people’s problems. Have I addressed any of my own? No, the answer is no. But again I’m there, there for others and continuously thinking of what I would like to do for myself. I’m trapped with my own shortcomings. Each mistake I’ve made I relive. Each poor decision I’ve made factors into my daily life. I don’t forgive myself. 

Each day I wake up on one bed, next to one dog. Each day I roll out of bed, brush my teeth one time, and shower once.

Stuck in these four walls and stuck within the confines of my own mind. Blinded by my past and scared of the future, unaware of the present at all times. I’m tired. I’m worn. I’m not prepared for what’s next. I like the four walls. They keep me safe.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Chilly Hands

Hi, everybody.

Why is this titled Chilly Hands? Well, I have chilly hands at this exact moment. I’m super literal on these blogs, especially when I just have a Siri reminder telling me to blog at random times. I don’t really have too much to write about… yet.

Let’s see. Life is fucking weird, man. I’ve now went back and forth with my girlfriend like 5 times now and we feel the healthiest and most open we’ve ever felt. Sometimes bumps and bruises can lead to a reward I guess? I really can’t understand this life shit – especially being ‘healthy.’

But I do feel exactly that. Healthy, most of the times. I’m getting good sleep, I’m eating well, financially I’m somewhat responsible, and I’m being more loosey-goosey in life again. It feels good. I feel good. I hope you feel good, too.

But what is going on in your life? Is there something you could dig into real quick that might best prepare you for the next 20 minutes of your life? Something you need to sit down and just think about for a second, with zero distractions around ya? I think that’s what’s gotten me to this state of ‘healthy’ – letting myself sit and think for a bit when I need to. Self reflection and all that stuff, ya know?

Well, I think the well is dry. I don’t have much more to write about when things aren’t going shitty. It’s weird, I’m much more vocal and audible when I feel better. Less of a writer, more of a talker. I guess that isn’t that weird, is it? I’m sure I’ll be back with PLENTY to write about sometime soon.

Until then, nah.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rainy Day But Good Day – Good Everything, Actually

Hi, everybody. Quick brag blog! OOO-WEE.

I hope you’ve had a good couple past weeks. I’ve had my ups and downs, but mostly ups. I have a fight at the end of the month! Excited for that. A bachelor party next weekend. Excited about that. And I’m heading to a college football game for tailgating/the game today. Excited about that.

I met someone new, too! Nothing major yet, but she’s really nice. A nurse. Kinda cool. Smart, funny, seemingly accepting. We’ll see where that goes. Probably nowhere, but hey there’s hope.

I’ve slowed down a lot of the extracurricular shit in my life and focused a lot on career recently, and it’s paid dividends. My company is very happy with my performance and I received a raise this week!

My body feels healthy, my mind feels healthy majority of the time, and I have a genuine sense of joy majority of the time. Again, excited about that.

Today was a blog to brag. I feel good about myself. I’m pretty sure my past blogs have been pretty Debby Downer, so I hope this one gives you a bit of a boost to remember the cool shit happening in your life. It may not be big life events, either. It could just be a really dope sandwich you had. Celebrate that shit.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lots of Uncertainty

Hi, everybody.

I tried writing this blog a few days ago. It had a different title. “I Need To Write This Blog” – I’m glad we have a new topic to discuss, because to be honest, I had NOTHING that day. Woulda been just a bunch of mamma-jamma.

So let’s discuss uncertainty. That sounds fun, doesn’t it? I’m not on the verge of tears, I promise. I’m not typing extra fast because I’m getting more and more angry with each and every single word I’m typing here. HOLD. Take a breath. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. There’s still a whole day ahead of you. A whole day.

But that’s a whole day filled with uncertainty. Sure, there’s stuff on the schedule, but how will you feel? That’s always the question for me. I know I have coaching, I know I have work, I know I have computer shit to do – doesn’t mean I know what the hell is going on. Life is filled with uncertainty unless we’re strapped with the right level of awareness. And as I’m typing this, my thoughts are beginning to slow, my typing beginning to become less violent, and my body a bit more fatigued.

Control is something we all struggle with. Too much, too little. Whatever it is, it’s never good enough. And the funny thing about control? It’s not something you can usually control!

Control integrates well with uncertainty. If you don’t know how your mind will cope with emotional struggle, you don’t know how well you will be able to control yourselves in times of stress. It’s so very important – and oh so difficult to balance.

But here we are, a bit all over the place as usual. I write from the heart, nowhere else. I talk to you, not write. That’s the best way of putting it. And I’m certain that I’m not talking to enough people. I’m not feeling like I’m connected with a damn thing. And I’m uncertain at how sustainable that is long term. No, not thoughts of BS, but I do worry about my overall well-being in the sense of not beating the shit out of myself every other freakin’ day. It would be nice to give myself a break from myself. I’m certain of that.

I wonder how many times I typed out a variation of the word certain. I’m not going to go back and check. I never edit these things. If there’s one thing I have control over, some certainty with, it’s my impulsivity. Phew, what a rollercoaster of a blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Note

Hi, everybody.

Yes, I know. Stop writing quick notes. Stop saying you can’t write that much right now. I KNOW. Well, guess what? I have about 10 minutes to get three things done. I’ll do what I want.

Really only one thing to report – I’m talking to the woman I love again and we’re working through things. I have a healthy amount of hope, and I trust myself to learn from my past mistakes finally.

Let’s see how it goes, eh?

Weird blog, I know. I got more stuff to do! I’ll throw in a Siri reminder to write again midweek.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Been Meaning to Say Hi

Hi, everybody.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. I usually check in around … well, yeah, when things get a bit rough.

Again, I’ve had issues with purpose, relationships, and frustration. I’ve been aware, but my mind is still in control – not the other way around. However, I do feel like I’ve navigated my issues really well this time around. It’s weird, usually when I sit down to type about this stuff, I end up figuring out the answer to my question. Except today I don’t have a question in my head – have I figured something out?

You know, it’s weird to think about what we know subconsciously. Does that make sense? Like what our mind works on without us even knowing. Did I find closure with a few of the issues I was experiencing? Right now it feels that way, but I don’t remember finding closure.

Or is mental healthy signal just spotty in general? Comes and goes. I think that’s the better bet. And I guess we’ll find out as the day develops.

I honestly thought I had more to write, but I don’t. I’m glad I got to say hi, though.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Need To Write

Hello, everybody. Good morning.

I put a reminder in my phone last night to blog, but on Thursday. I couldn’t wait. I don’t have much to say, but I’m sure that will change as I continue to type this out.

I’m currently at the dog park. This is my routine now: Wake up at 5, work out, dog park, work, work out/coach, stay up far too late, and repeat. It’s not sustainable, but I’m somewhat enjoying it.

My main problem right now are my relationships with people. Family, friends, potential romances. I’m shut down and closed off from it. I’m not finding joy in people or myself, and it worries me.

So what can I do about that? Not quite sure. Started with this — and I have my monthly therapy session on Friday. Things usually turn around, but I’d love some stability with my happiness. I know it’s on me, but I promise I’m trying. It’s just not easy. Never let anyone take that validation away from you. You feel how you feel – and only you know how strong that grip is around you. No one else.

I think I’ll start by continuing my routine, and maybe I step outside my comfort zone and ask a woman to dinner this week. Maybe I go grab a drink with a friend. But hopefully? Hopefully I find happiness within myself. And I hope the same for you, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Random All-Nighter

Well, shit. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 AM on the dot. I have to work out in about an hour and a half. For some reason, my eyes won’t shut. I’ve done everything under the sun (while not under the sun) and I can’t get tired.

I did just get back from a trip visiting a buddy. I heard some rough news (shouldn’t have been rough) when I was there and I’ve been thinking about it since. But I don’t want to discuss it. I just, I don’t know what to fucking do about my thoughts anymore. I don’t know how to get rid of the depression at times. I have no clue how to battle the shit in me that’s keeping me up right now. I don’t even know what it is.

And sometimes I tell you lot I know what the fuck is going on. Not true. Maybe true. I don’t know anymore. I need sleep. Bad. But soon I’ll be in a pool, swimming. Why? No clue. I’m struggling to figure out my “why” recently, and that’s a big issue for me to have. Whenever that’s occurring, I know something is wrong. But what? What the shit this time?

Hopefully check back in soon. Let’s try to make it through this glorious Monday together, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.