Hey There!

I’m going to give you lot a break from reading about STDs. It is important to educate yourself on them, though. Remember that.

This is another bar blog. I don’t have too much to say as of now, but as I get writing, maybe something will flesh out.

Each day is different for me now. Not in the sense of what’s going on during that day, but my mood. I’ve been crazy with mood swings. Particular about who I take my anger out on. Disgusting at times. It hasn’t been pretty.

Other times I’ve been the best person I can be. I’m now training NINE boxers! Nine! Two weeks ago I had one. I’m giving away my time for my biggest passion & let me tell you, it feels fucking good.

I’ve started to spar again. I currently have a bruise under my right eye & a cut above my left eye. I feel alive. Boxing makes me feel alive.

I told you I would flesh some stuff out, probably. Doesn’t look like that was the case. Consider this another “diary” entry. I know you probably didn’t get much from this, but I really do hope you’re doing well. I am grateful you continue to read what I write. I believe this should be used for good, even when I’m talking shit about myself. Use this as inspiration. Use this as an “I’m not alone in this shit” way. Use it somehow. I do this for me, I do. But I wouldn’t mind you getting something out of it, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Unexpected Hilarity

You aren’t going to believe this shit.

First, read this last post. If you don’t, you won’t understand the humor & you won’t clap at the end.

Haven’t read it yet? Shame on you. Enjoy the stock photos below but don’t you dare scroll below those things before you read the last post.

Creative-AP Stock Subscription | Buy Photos | AP Images
read the last post
How to Unstock Your Images: 5 Mistakes to Avoid | atomix
do it

Did you read it? It’s linked here if you haven’t yet. I’m telling you, it adds to this post. Maybe you need another stock photo.

What Is a Stock Split?
look how pleased they are reading my last post

OK, I trust you now. Let’s get into it.

So I was worried I have herpes. Still kinda worried, but some funny shit happened. For the past couple of days before this event, I had felt a slight itch on the tip of my penis. Anyway, I was getting a regular screening the other day for the other STDs, including HIV. I’m sitting in the lobby filling out forms. Then… *ding*

Text message from _____ _____:
Hey, just to let you know I got tested & I have Chlamydia. You may want to get tested.

Text message back from me:
You aren’t going to believe what I’m doing right now.

I mean the timing, the odds, & the hilarity of that moment. Kinda made the whole thing worth it. I’m kidding. Nothing makes pissing flames worth it. Wear a condom, people. Wear a damn condom.

OH. I still don’t know if I have herpes. Guess I have to wait it out, according to the doctor. No tests really give you an accurate result UNLESS you have lesions. Super great. Awesome. Yay.

Fun blog, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sorry For The Language, But… Fuck

Let me start this off with…

Wait, hold on.

Hi, everybody!

OK, let me start this off with the fact that I am stupid tired right now. I’m so very stressed at the moment I just scheduled out emails to go out in the morning for me. Highly effective, but I rarely do that. I know I’m overextending myself when I am doing that. WOAH, see? Writing just fleshed that all out for me. Holy shit.

OK, where are we driving?

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the language in the title. Let me explain the best I can. Disclaimer: I know there are certain stigmas around things, some items are overblown, not as bad as we’ve been conditioned into thinking they are, but still, as you read this, understand I’m just fucking scared. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m scared.

I slept with a woman the other night. Long story short, the condom broke within 30-45 seconds, most likely. Things got weird at the very start & I cut it off. Once I pulled out, well, things got even more weird.

Fuck, you know what I just realized? My Pops reads this shit. Welp, if you’re reading this, man, understand I’m a BIT STRESSED FROM THIS RIGHT NOW. Sorry in advance. Well, I’ll try to be aware. I will. See? Writing, man. It’s pretty cool.

OK, we were driving the right way there but we lost our signal for a moment. We’re back, baby. Remember, I’m stupid tired. So, yes, things somehow became more strange & let me tell you, the things that made me stop within a minute were very, very strange. I don’t just stop having sex without a valid reason. I heard things I’ve never heard before. I don’t know if I’ll unhear them.

Anyway, let’s get back to it. This is the paragraph, I promise. I will get to the fucking point. (You should find that funny later.) Cut past some emotional moments, questions, & it turns out she has herpes. Yes, herpes. Just typing that made my heart drop. IF YOU FOUND ANGER READING THAT, PLEASE REFER TO THE KIND DISCLAIMER UP TOP. THANK YOU. I don’t know what it is about it, but the best way I can describe it is I don’t want to add it to my list. One thing to definitely mention: there was no outbreak & there hasn’t been any in quite some time. That gives me slight piece of mind. But OK, the list…

I am:

  • Gluten intolerant – like the real kind
  • Soy intolerant – honestly don’t know if this is real but I feel better without it
  • Lactose intolerant – not going to lie to you folks, I can sacrifice a lot of time & toilet paper if the cheese is good enough
  • Former drug addict – once a drug addict, always a drug addict, am I right, y’all? WHY DID THEY TEACH US THAT?
  • Jailed multiple times as a kid
  • Pulled away from the home to stay in group homes & other places that were… oof, to say the least
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • I write blogs about herpes at 1:15 AM

I mean, do I need to keep going? No. You get the point. But now we add a whopper to this list. Whopper Jr., if you’re reading this. We could be adding herpes, folks. Fuck. That’s why I said it in the title. Because, well, fuck. That’s all I can think about it. I’m not even trying to be funny. I can’t be funny with this shit. I can’t get a single straight thought across.

I know my life isn’t over. Again, check the disclaimer. I’m just scared, y’all. I’m hoping I can catch a break. I really hope I do. Knock on wood? (Literally knocked on wood after I typed that… out. Well, I did it again for good measure right now.)

I gave you a list of the bad shit about me. That was rude. Woe is me isn’t allowed in this shit. I have plenty positive to say to myself, to you about myself, & plenty to be grateful for. But sometimes, y’all, it’s OK to feel like the fucking world is closing in on you. The water rising as you reach the ceiling. Breath becoming more & more valuable with the pass of each anxious moment.

Again, I’m stupid tired right now. I don’t even know if we’re talking about herpes anymore.

OK, well, I’m not going to list out of the positive things. I’ve said them to myself. I’m good with that. I hope you are, too. Why don’t you try saying some positive things about yourself? Stop being so negative all the time, god damn. What’s there to be scared about? Herpes?

Maybe.

But we’ll get through it. Together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

IF YOU CARE: I’m getting tested tomorrow morning for all other STDs, getting tested for herpes after the accurate incubation period. All of these fucking medical bills are getting ridiculous.

SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, OH WELL. I REFUSE TO EDIT vA BLOG ON HERPES. GOOD DAY.

UPDATE TO THE SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I DID EDIT. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, JUST GO AWAY. Fuck, I need to sleep.

Bar Thoughts

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Nothing Substantial

The title of this post tells you exactly what you’ll be reading, so don’t worry, you have time to hit the “back” button & get the hell out of here. If you stay, well, thank ya.

I’m here writing to write. I’m pretty indifferent today. Comfortable in my own skin today. It feels great. OH! I woke up at a decent time today. Granted I only got about 3.5 hours of sleep because of it, but it’s a goal I set for myself this week & I fucking did it. Go me, right?

How are you holding up? Are you pushing yourself when you’re feeling down? Are you not giving up? Are you checking in with yourself? We, the mentally ill people, need you around. There’s a chance I run into you at a bar & you have no idea I’m the one writing these blogs & I have no idea you’ve read my blogs. We could have a conversation down the road. A good conversation. One of those conversations we all live for.

I have absolutely no clue who the hell you are, but you’re doing something right in this world. Everyone is. Stick with it. I told you I’m writing to write, I don’t think a single solid thought was fleshed out in this blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back To It

I’ve failed miserably over the past few days. I recently spoke with my psych & we both felt comfortable moving me to solely anxiety meds, no more anti-depressants.

I don’t know if that was a good choice. I can’t tell if it’s me, if it’s the drugs, or if it’s my current environment, but I’ve never thought so much about ending things than I have over the past few days. It sucks to admit, but hey, this is why I write. So you know. So I know. So we all can hold each other accountable.

I’m lost right now. I still think about my ex far too much, I’m lonely as fucking hell, & I don’t know if I’ll ever find happiness within myself for a substantial period of time. I’m running out of options. I’m running out of hope. I feel like I’m running out of time.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Freak Yourself Out

If you read my last post (here, you lazy but loveable pile of shit) you know I broke up with a short-term girlfriend last night.

Man, did she surprise me. Not only was she accepting that my mental health holds me back from being 100% committed right now, but she also offered help moving forward. She didn’t cling. She didn’t fight. She just listened.

People surprise us. I found myself more welled up with tears than she was, but coming to terms with your own ‘right here, right now‘ deficiencies can really get to ya.

What’s the lesson here? I don’t really know. Don’t freak yourself out because you need to be honest due to the importance of your own self care?

Yeah, let’s go with that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rushing Into Things

I have a habit of this.

I have many habits (as many addicts do). Most of my habits are bad, too. One habit? Jumping into things way too early.

I have to break up with a really nice woman later tonight. Currently I’m eating tacos & downing tequila because I really, really dislike this interaction in life. There’s nothing satisfying from it. Yes, you get to let that person go. You get to move on. Yet, the tears, the disappointment, everything that comes tumbling down – it hurts. Both sides.

I’m regretting my decision of jumping into this, rushing into this, but part of me doesn’t hold that regret. Over the past few weeks, I’ve made a tremendous connection with someone. We’ve shared laughs, hugs, kisses, ideas, & much more. I really hope we can remain friends. You never know what’ll happen down the road. Right now, I need my time. I need to love myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Another Good’un

To be quite honest with everyone reading this blog regularly, the last few days I’ve been a nightmare. I turned another corner for now, though.

Oh! Happy New Year, errybody! Can we kill the 2020 jokes now? I think they’re a bit worn out.

But today I had an upturn, uptick, whatever you want to call it. I started the day with a fantastic boxing coaching session with a lady friend of mine, followed by a dog party of four, finished with a bit of side work.

Oh! I also got the inspection on my new house done today. The inspector said nothing but glorious things about the structure & innards of the house. Very happy to move into this place soon. I need to get out of my parent’s house. Bad.

Well, that’s all I have today. Just another day where I want to write to you lot. I really do hope you’re doing pretty damn awesome nowadays.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Smile to Your Anger

Hi, everyone.

I wake up in the morning a wildcard. I may look tired when I wake up, but I assure you, my mind has plenty of energy. At least negative energy. No valid thoughts, judgments, or anything, really. Just anger. Anger at others for no reason. Anger at myself for, well, stuff I still can’t thoroughly determine.

Yesterday morning was one of many examples. I unleashed on my parents, the people allowing me to stay with them as I close on a new house (finally got one this week). This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this is in the past month I’ve been with them. It’s a recurring process of yelling, arguing, & usually followed by many apologies.

To combat this issue, I need to learn how to listen to myself in the morning. How to tell myself this anger doesn’t stem from what’s around me, but from what’s within. I’ve leaned into a book called How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. So far it’s slapped me in the face with how terrible of a listener I am, but I hope to grow from it.

Growing yourself requires awareness. Awareness can come & go, though. Right now I have clear thoughts–in an hour I may have my brain dead brain back. I might lose control. I can’t, though. Or, let’s not say I can’t, but let’s say the regularity of it happening needs to slow the fuck down.

We “kill” our anger by smiling to it, holding it gently, looking deep to understand its roots and transforming it with understanding and compassion.

How to Fight, Thich Nhat Hanh, Page 20

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.