Morning Monster

If you’re like me, you wake up without a clue on how you’ll feel for the rest of the day. And guess what? It’s our choice on how we want to feel. Now, do we get to that point of feeling good? That’s always up in the air.

I go to bed scared. Honestly, I do. It’s why I’m usually up till two, sometimes four in the morning. It’s scary as fuck to wake up. To bring your mind through its own warzone each & every day.

Wake up, look in the mirror, say you’re shit, take a shower, feel a bit better, get some food in ya, play with the dogs, see if the sun is out. Sun is out? Ah, damn, looks like you need to fill your day with shit. Ah, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, can’t really see anyone. What now? Do you read tonight? Maybe study? Will you have focus for that? Do you have any focus right now? Eh, maybe it’s best if you do everything tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better, right? Has to be.

I swear this thought process happens every morning for me right now. I don’t see an end to it. Each day is relatively the same. Yet, I do have my good days. These are days I need to build from. Days I need to recount when I’m having those shitty moments in the morning. Remember on long drives that I don’t always think negatively about myself. Stop torturing myself for my past.

Life’s full of ups & downs & guess what, we have to fucking deal with them. I’m sorting out mine. I hope you are, too.

Real quick, I read a quote not too long ago, forgive me for not remembering where I found it, but I want to put it on here.

“It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.”

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Uncertainties

All of us have them. I mean, just look at today. Did I wake up today thinking they’d finally announce who won the presidency? Nope. I thought it’d take longer. I was uncertain about it.

This flows into almost everything in my life right now, outside the love I have for my family, friends, & of course the doggos. I don’t know what I’d like to do for work, even though many think I’m very happy with my current career. I’m scared as shit to move out of my house, even though many think I’m only experiencing excitement with the move. The list goes on & on.

But that first thing I mentioned is important to remember. We all live with uncertainties. What I’m living through is no more special than what you are living through, or what your significant other might be going through. It’s up to me to figure out how I feel about certain things in my life, how I’ll respond, & how I’ll combat any negativity down the line.

I’m uncertain about quite a things in my life, but I’m not uncertain about my strength.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rescheduling

This week was a shitstorm, and it could’ve been handled much, much better. How? Well, by not procrastinating on every little & big thing. Outside of work, I waited last minute, sometimes asking for an extension on deadlines, on everything. GRE? Rescheduled. Another house showing? Rescheduled. Halloween? Rescheduled (till next year). I just didn’t have it in me this week, but each night before bed I told myself I’d be better the next day. I wasn’t. It just kept coming. Compounding my misery each & every new morning, making the mountain feel too tall to climb.

Yet here I am, at the end of the week on a Sunday scrambling to get everything done. And guess what? I did it. Proper forms over to the lender, test rescheduled (yes, yes, I know – just do it. I WILL!), bills paid, credit card handled, stuff moved into storage, & I still have time for a couple drinks with a few old best friends.

What’s the lesson here? Well, if you can avoid fucking yourself over with procrastination, do that. If not, realize that life isn’t over because you didn’t pay your citation on time or didn’t get the laundry done today. Adapt when needed. Grow from that change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Should Probably Write

Hey, everybody. Hope you’ve been well. Can’t remember the last time I put something up on here, so here comes another word vomit.

I’m selling my house soon. I was extremely excited about it, but now it feels like an overwhelming task. I can’t even keep a sleep schedule right now, how am I supposed to manage selling & buying a new house? My mental capacity is so very low right now, but what must be done must be done.

I also have a major test coming up in the month of November. Y’know, one of those tests that tells you if you’re smart enough to be in an MBA program. I’m a bit worried here, too, because… well, my mental capacity is extremely low. I’ve mentioned that before, haven’t I? I’m not poor at school, but I am experiencing a motivation drought. Oh how I long for the times where I’ve felt extremely positive, but those times come & go so quickly.

Managing stress is one of the most important skills you can learn throughout life. I’ve done a decent job at staying sane during these moments in my life through not expecting the world out of myself. Telling yourself that you will get this done, along with 100 other miscellaneous items, can be tasks too daunting for individuals like you & I to take head on. That’s why you must cut yourself some slack. Maybe you got 50 of those tasks done. That’s a win.

Don’t discount the work you’ve put in to get here. The reason you’re stressed is because so many things in your life are changing & guess what, most likely you’re the one creating that change. That’s a good thing. You can’t have a journey without multiple stops. Nothing is seamless.

What the fuck am I writing?

Anyway, just keep after it. Day after day, things will hopefully slow down for you like I hope they slow down for me. Who knows, maybe things will pick up even more – but I’m positioning myself to handle that. I hope you are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It’s Been a Minute

Hey, everyone!

It’s been a while. I do apologize. I’ve been in the shit.

However! Tomorrow I head off to Maine for eight days. Very, very pumped about it. It’s time for a trip filled with restoration & almost no expectations. It’s really freeing to have something like this booked. A week on the river, right by the ocean, just a couple kayaks & me. I have a rental car to skedaddle anywhere I want in the state & who knows where that will be!

So let’s talk about the shit. I haven’t posted in a week, why? Well, like I said, I’ve been in the shit. Self-motivation? Big fat NOPE. Self-care? Big fat NOPE. Crying? Big fat YES. But things change. They do. This week had shitty weather anyway, maybe it’s not even my fault. One thing I do know: Who cares! We have another day to live tomorrow, another breath to take right now, & another smile to unearth sometime soon, hopefully.

What am I going to do on my trip? Disconnect. I will have to work, but I’ve told my team that I will be delegating quite a bit of my workload next week. They understand. It’s nice to have coworkers that understand (they won’t understand unless you’re honest about your situation – try that sometime). I have a list concocted by a work acquaintance of the best street to shop in a certain city in Maine, the best trails, the best foods, the best everything. Very excited to use that resource as somewhat of a compass throughout the trip. Props to the person that cared enough to share the list, right? Some good people out there.

Most importantly, I’m going to be doing nothing. Not nothing in the sense of just sitting on the couch like I’ve been doing this week, but nothing in the sense of expectations. Sometimes those pesky expectations weigh you down, drive guilt into your cranium, and make that heart puff up to the point of uncomfortability. I’m getting away from that next week & I cannot wait.

Will I write next week? Most likely. I tend to write when I do quite a bit of thinking, & I believe I’ll be doing quite a bit of thinking. I mean, it is just me & some kayaks.

I’m bringing four to five books with me, all untouched. If I don’t like the first few pages, bang!, I’m discarding the book. Well, maybe, they’re quite expensive. My point is: I’m doing what I want next week. Nothing more, nothing less, & that feels AMAZING to type out.

I hope you lot had a fantastic week. I hope to be on here more, writing my own shit & reading some of your great posts.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Day to Day Change

If you read my post yesterday, you’d know I was in a quite happy-go-lucky mood. I was intent on realizing the life-changing opportunities and/or possibilities for me now & in the future.

Well, things change. They change day to day, as the title reads, but they also change minute to minute, sometimes in even shorter spans than that.

What spurred this change? Well, my emotional instability is a key factor in all of this, but let’s run the tape back to later in the evening of last night and earlier today.

Last night I had a conversation with that new possible companion I wrote about a few posts back that really changed everything for us moving forward. We didn’t click like we were clicking. There was anger for no apparent reason, and surprisingly not from my side. However, she is at a bachelorette party this weekend & drinking quite heavily, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we just don’t mesh. Sucks, but yeah. That’s the conclusion of that.

Earlier today, I of course was texting my ex. Earlier in the week we chatted over the phone & she asked a peculiar question, “Have you been seeing anyone?” I of course replied with a kinda, sorta, maybe answer – because that’s the honest truth. I spoke in my last post of letting go of the love and desire I have to be with my ex, but it’s extremely difficult to think of ever creating a connection even close to that again in my lifetime.

Well, going back to the question she asked earlier in the week, she ended up explaining why she asked it. First, she wanted to know if I was screwing anyone. Then she wanted to, at some point, tell me she’s been casually seeing someone. It took quite a bit to get her away from hinting at it & changing that to just telling me the harsh truth. I mean, she’s trying to move on. I get it, I do. Does that make it better? No.

It’s really hard to stomach. It really is. I have to go to a family friend’s house this evening for a dinner & I don’t know how I’ll behave. I’m frightened to be around anyone right now. Hell, I can’t even handle trying to give my dog’s attention right now. To top it off, I have to golf with those same family friends tomorrow morning, so I won’t be staying at my residence this evening. I’ll be in someone else’s bed with these thoughts. I always struggle with that.

Every single day, something changes. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s the exact opposite. Also, sometimes it feels like death. At least that’s what today feels like for me.

I hope you’re having a better day than me. You might be have a worse day than me & if so, I hope you get through it. I hope I get through this. I hope we all get through the struggles we’re faced with in this day to day, always changing life we lead.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Life’s Opportune Shifts

Good morning.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts (if you haven’t read my previous posts, shame on you), I’ve recently went through a split/break-up. However, I don’t think I’ve mentioned I moved to a new city about two years back. Thought buying a house was a good idea around my new place of employment. WRONG. This town sucks.

Anyway, what do those two things have in common? Well, each & every day/week/month I’m limited to the occasional hang with my one and only friend in this town, but when she’s busy, well, I just have me. That’s not always a bad thing, but if it’s always the case, that’s a bad thing. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.

Two days ago I was introduced to a woman via a mutual friend. To be honest, I was skeptical, still am. However, we haven’t stopped texting in about 48 hours and she hit me with a “What’s shakin?” this morning instead of a generic “Good morning”, kinda like what I hit you with at the start of this post. I absolutely loved waking up to that. Weird people are the best. A simple “Good morning” is great, too, but nothing beats getting a “What’s shakin?” at 7 AM CST.

You know how I also mentioned I don’t have many friends around me? Well, while walking my dogs down the block yesterday, I walked past a familiar face working on his car. After a look back, a second look back, and a third look back, we both realized we knew each other. And thankfully for good reason.

I guess he and his wife moved in about a week ago. Literally like across the street and two houses down. Nuts. I’ve played a few rec league basketball seasons with this guy & we’ve always connected on the court for a couple of reasons:

  1. We don’t put up with bullshit/crying/excuses on the court
  2. We love throwing our body weight around & possibly causing a testosterone-driven brawl in the paint

He’s a super good dude. Someone I considered a friend while we played basketball each Wednesday, losing majority of the time but hey, we had teams that wanted to beat both of us up at the end of the game & that was a big enough win for us at times. Typical men, I know.

So life’s crazy, opportune shifts. Weird, huh? I started my morning two days ago texting my father I have absolutely nothing fucking to do here in this town. Barely any friends & it’s not like I’m in the best spot to “get out there”.

Well, within 48 hours, quite a bit shifted. Who knows what will happen with this woman, but right now we’re having great conversation & supposedly a date next week. Who knows what my neighbor will be like off the basketball court, but right now I have a chance to be around somewhat of a friend & build off of that. Plus, there’s a basketball hoop up the street at the neighborhood park. Maybe we’ll start there.

I wanted to give up two days ago. I’m sure I’ll want to give up two days from now. It always shifts – that ALWAYS shifts. But sometimes you have to remember that the good shifts almost always outweigh the bad shifts. I went from crying in my bedroom at 7 AM Monday morning to setting up a date with an absolutely gorgeous woman inside-and-out (seemingly) & having a really cool dude move in across the street from me by Wednesday. Also, side note, he likes hot peppers, so I finally have someone to offload the 12,083,203 lbs of peppers I have growing in my backyard.

Life is random. You never know what’s going to happen next. I so almost went with that Forrest Gump quote, oh I was so close. You’re lucky I didn’t do it. I was hopeless two days ago. Absolutely hopeless. At least that’s how I felt. We get down on ourselves like that quite often. We shouldn’t. We do, but we shouldn’t. Why? Because if we keep going strong, if we don’t give up, we always give ourselves a shot at an opportune shift in our daily lives.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.