Tag: writing

Cutting Things Out

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m back today and back with a bit of substance! Immediately when I pulled this up I had a jump of anxiety, so I might keep this short. I’m still having trouble processing and working through my thoughts right now, and each time I write it amplifies those feelings. I don’t know if my mind and heart are capable of handling the amplification on a regular basis, so I seldomly write “for the public” anymore. My apologies. I will be back.

I guess that’s a good segue, although writing to this blog was never planned to be cut out. I am cutting out a lot, though. I’m trying to shock myself into something new. The goal is to feel uncomfortable and work off of my intuition for once – instead of continuously driving at the same routine with no clear end goal. Now, it will be important to understand what my goals are once I do get to that sense of discomfort. Or else I go down the same path.

I’ve cut out a few good friends, I’ve cut out a lot of my boxing, I plan to cut out some of my side business, and I’m spending more time with myself. I started reading again. I’m five chapters in to a good book – and I’ve enjoyed that. It’s still difficult to keep my mind still while I read, but it’s getting better.

I’m having issues with cutting things out. I feel like I’m letting myself get lonelier and lonelier, but I don’t know what other options I have at this point. It’s fight or flight, and I’m luckily still fighting. I need to keep fighting. But if I cut everyone out, what do I do if I’m feeling too much discomfort?

It’s a tough balance. It’s all part of this journey. This life. And for now, this is how is has to be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Just Blog

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Sorry I’ve been quiet. I’ve been writing, but I’ve had to keep it more personal as some of it is even too personal for an anonymous audience. But don’t worry, I’m doing OK.

I still feel in an odd spot and I’m still struggling with writing here, but I wanted to check in with whoever reads this to let you know I am OK.

Life changes each and every day – sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. However when you think about it, it’s really just a matter of perspective, isn’t it?

Meh.

Wow. I just checked – over a month since my last blog post. I feel wrong cutting this one so short, but I’m hoping this one short blog drives me back to writing through my problems here. It’s really helpful – and I’ve wanted to do it plenty of times over the past month. Every time I sit down to write though, I feel empty. I’m not talking aloud like I normally do when I’m blogging. I’m not frantically typing like I normally do when I’m blogging. I’m double-checking work – and I don’t do that shit when I’m blogging.

But things don’t need to be perfect to do something. I love writing – why stop myself from it? Just because I might hurt some feelings or hurt myself even more? Who cares. And as I said above, it’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it? And if there’s one thing under constant change, it’s that lovely thing we call perspective.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Undiscovered Trauma Discovered

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Well, it’s not every day I come on here with an actual topic to discuss. Usually it’s just babble with some rambling and some hootin’ and hollerin’.

Ok, sorry, I’ll get to it.

Tonight an old friend is in town. An old ex, although that was short-lived and not part of the picture any longer. This fiend has been a friend for quite some time, tested our friendship quite a few times, but remained a solid friend in my life and someone I’m honored and grateful to call a friend.

But there’s a catch. A couple years back, my friend hanged themselves in my house. I might have wrote about it – I can’t remember if I had this blog or not, and everyone knows I don’t read these things after I hit publish. Anyway, that fiend is in town for a couple of weeks seeing family, and they need a place to stay. Tonight, they stay at my new house. Well, new to them.

I’ve been telling people since the incident that I don’t believe it really impacted me, but this morning I woke up with an irrational fear. A fear of reliving the moment. Finding the friend after my late dog led me to them on the floor, belt broken, me screaming, me yelling at the 911 dispatcher, me crying, me pumping the chest, me yelling more, me lifting the head, me yelling even more at the 911 dispatcher, me crying, me pumping, and at last – my friend spit up and started to breathe again.

I know it’s irrational. I already mentioned that. This friend has bettered their life in 100 different ways since this incident, but I can’t help but think about it a bit.

One thing that’s always been hard for me to swallow is the thought that this friend thinks they owe me. They don’t I understand why they do think that, but really the best thing they can do is continue to better themselves and be the person they want to be. And they’re doing just that. So no, this friend owes me nothing – but they believe they do. How do I confront that without sounding like a dick? Do I just keep letting it be said?

You saved my life!

– Friend

Anyone would, right? You see one of your best friends lying there, you do anything you can to bring them back. Anything.

Do I feel guilt for not being around in the house when they did this? Fear they’ll do it again? Fear and guilt? Anxiety about it all? Who knows. However, I need to take notes from my own writing and remember to focus on the positives out of this. This friend is still alive. They are here today and I will get to see them in the flesh for the first time in a couple of years. They have worked on their mental health. They are true to who they are.

See, writing does help. It really does. I am still scared, but I do feel a hell of a lot better. Wish me luck tonight, eh? Maybe I’ll update you by the end of the week, but I’m pretty spotty nowadays with writing. Either way, assume I’m good, alright?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Spasms & Serenity

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Title doesn’t make much sense, does it? Yeah, I know. I think it’ll make more sense as we go along here.

It’s end of quarter. I’m at 99% to goal. I don’t know if I’ll get to 100%. I’m really angry, frustrated, and disappointed. There was probably 100 things I could’ve done differently. The stress is real and even though I’m feeling much better about myself, I can’t help but feel pressure from this scenario. It’s not all the time, but right now it is too much. I don’t want the weekend to come because I want to keep working.

We’ve really made this world healthy, haven’t we?

Work, work, hey you! Work some more.

Eat shit.

Seriously, what the hell are we doing? Every single day it’s work, then follow it up with your second job/hobby, maybe find a pocket of time to eat a sandwich, and guess what – get back to fucking work.

What have we done with this world? Don’t even get me started on the amount of times we LIE to each other in the business world. WHY? We’ve overcomplicated everything in this damn world. Everything. Basic human interaction? Nah, who wants that? That’s not convoluted enough.

Ok, sorry, got off track. Maybe it was a spasm. That’s usually what happens with my writing – I just go on a tear and have to refocus myself. What the hell were we talking about?

SERENITY! Ha. It’s funny to transition into this right after what I typed above. Borderline impossible, but I AM A BEACON OF POSITIVITY and will make sure to expand on what serenity means to me today.

I’m happy. I am. I’m content. I am. I’m not content with being content – and that’s always a positive.

But serenity is difficult. It’s not about being happy. It’s not about being successful. It’s about being at peace. One thing I’ve always struggled and one thing that is quite visibly apparent to most folks I have relationships with.

So what does it mean to me? Right now, it means “unattainable” – but I’m working on shifting my mind there to a more positive outlook. Maybe I can find myself in a state of serenity from time to time. It doesn’t have to be right now. It doesn’t have to be 24/7, but even a 5-minute pocket of serenity would do me something special.

I think I’ll work on that. Let’s just hope I don’t spaz out too much on my journey. Thanks for reading whatever the hell this blog was. Jeesh.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Focus – Ha!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Good morning. I am in a discovery clinic for work right now but I can’t keep my mind on it. I swear I’ve been in 20 of these meetings in my 6 years in sales. Can I go to sleep yet?

Focus. That’s a hard thing to grasp for a man like myself. I was recently told, “You seem like the type to have 12 things on your mind at once”. That is correct. It might be more – definitely a baker’s dozen. There’s pros and cons to it, really. It isn’t all bad. It’s nice to be able to multitask, but I would like to grab a bit of my focus back in life.

So how do I do that? Open to suggestions! It seems like the world moves at such a quick pace that it’s almost impossible to focus on one thing at a time. I’m needed here, there, and way over there somehow. At least that’s what it feels like. Maybe I need to figure out a new reality.

Interesting.

I’m in this discovery clinic and right now I’m doing a bit of discovery on myself. That’s kinda neat.

OK – I should get back to my job. I am on a video call and I’m simply nodding at the pauses. I hope the nods make sense. If not, oh well. I’ll focus on something else.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Empty Thoughts & Sweaty Palms

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Good morning. How’s the day so far for you? I’m on day… four or five of being sick. I can’t tell what it is. Weird sickness. Anyway, it’s not killing me (I think) so that’s a plus!

A few days sick can leave your brain mush. I just noticed I wrote to you lot just the other day. I’m kinda on fire with this whole writing thing. Being severely depressed and riddled with anxiety really helps the fingers move.

I’m listening to an absolute gem of a song right now. Gap in the Clouds by Yellow Days. Highly recommend. I might start leaving a song or two in my blogs that I’m listening to at the current moment. Usually the songs I listen to correspond pretty well with my mood. Music is a beautiful thing, innit?

What the hell am I even talking about? I type that pretty often. It’s true, though. I never have a plan coming in here. It’s just sit down and write, see what comes out, hit publish. It’s freeing, man is it so freeing.

Oh! The title. Empty Thoughts & Sweaty Palms. Umm, let’s explain that. I am not thinking about too much and I have sweaty palms. Ok, we’re past that now.

Hmm, what else can I bore you with? Maybe I should get back to my day and you get back to your day. Maybe. Or maybe this is part of the day? What the hell am I even talking about?

As you can probably tell, my mood’s shifted since I last wrote. I don’t really know why, and it’ll probably change back to gray, but right now I have some colors in my life. I’m going to keep my focus on those colors and hopefully amplify them throughout the day.

What the hell am I even talking about? Really odd blog today. Next one will be better, maybe!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sick

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s exactly what it sounds like BUT MORE! I am sick, under the weather, have a cold, whatever you wanna call it. Worst thing about it? Yesterday I received even more bad news from someone I truly and deeply care about and today I’m stuck in bed thinking about that nonstop instead of chucking my fists at a heavy bag (or a real person) to clear my mind.

I don’t have much to write today. I just typed in “tw” to get to Twitter (further distraction) and it auto-populated to bring me here. I figured that was a sign I should at least say something.

I’m not OK. I’m physically sick and that will pass. I’m mentally sick and I’m not so sure about that one. I mean just yesterday I had an anxiety attack I couldn’t shake for two hours.

We’re supposed to have control of ourselves, right? How the shit do we do that? People make it sound so easy. It’s not. I hope it’s easy for you, but for me it is not easy. Never has been and I know it sounds defeatist, but I don’t think it will ever get easier.

I’m stuck with who I am. I need to accept that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Confusion in Colorado

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

My buddy and I are about to drive back from a short trip to Colorado. Denver to be exact. I had quite a bit of fun – and one day I was slightly angry – and the entire time I felt confusion.

We arrived on Friday night, had a fantastic dinner (I ordered two entrees and even had Banana Cream pie, which I’ve never had before due to my gluten intolerance – everything was gluten free!). It was a great night. My type of way to start a vacation – a treat yourself type of meal.

Saturday kinda sucked. I get it, my buddy is big into snowboarding, but he went to the mountain (after I said sure, go) and he was gone for the entire day. No car for me, no one around, just lots to think about. I went to some bars and hit up a dispensary. It could have been worse.

Sunday was the best day. I got to meet a friend from online that I’ve known for roughly a year – great guy. Played volleyball, went to a Denver Nuggets game that went into overtime against the Clippers. More amazing food. Just everything I enjoy during a vacation minus the weather.

But the whole time, I’ve been thinking about that one person. She called me the night before I left. We spoke for six hours. I put her in my phone as “Do Not Call” after she called me. She said we weren’t going to talk again. I keep getting texts.

I’m lost. However it’s different this time for me. I don’t feel scared. I’m just ready for whatever to happen. It’s kinda freeing in a sense.

Time to get on the road back home!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Urge

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently eating breakfast but my computer is open. I just had a thought as I was eating “meh” eggs and amazing bacon. I feel different today. That’s it. I feel different. In a good way. And I just had this urge to pop in here and write to you lot that each day is different, each day we can be something, and each day we do have power inside ourselves — we just have to find it.

That’s all I had today. I have to get back to the breakfast before these eggs get even more “meh”. Also I have a 4-hour work training in like 20 minutes. Thankfully I feel different today.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lacking Color

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Not going to say much today. Just using this as a way to get some shit off my chest. Yesterday I had flowers delivered to an ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what I thought would come from it, but it’s not hurting as bad as I thought not receiving a message back from her. I think I can find closure through this… super odd thing to do. It was probably dumb. I don’t know. I’m so fucking lost.

I’m losing purpose in my everyday life. Each day again feels the same, gray, distant. Each day feels like there’s something crucial slipping away. Each day I feel like I’m wasting. Everything is gray.

I go into the office more to get away from my own thoughts, but here I am in the office only thinking of my thoughts. What an odd sentence. But I can’t help it – my focus isn’t there. I’ve tried changing up my routine, how I’m treating myself, and a few other aspects of my life, but I keep finding myself worse off than before.

And I very well could be bitching about absolutely nothing. Who knows what’s valid to complain about nowadays. Who knows what to do when you struggle with depression and anxiety every single damn day. You just take it on the chin and move on. That’s it. You tell everyone you’re okay. It’s better that way.

Everything is gray. And I have nothing left to say.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.