Sorry For The Language, But… Fuck

Let me start this off with…

Wait, hold on.

Hi, everybody!

OK, let me start this off with the fact that I am stupid tired right now. I’m so very stressed at the moment I just scheduled out emails to go out in the morning for me. Highly effective, but I rarely do that. I know I’m overextending myself when I am doing that. WOAH, see? Writing just fleshed that all out for me. Holy shit.

OK, where are we driving?

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the language in the title. Let me explain the best I can. Disclaimer: I know there are certain stigmas around things, some items are overblown, not as bad as we’ve been conditioned into thinking they are, but still, as you read this, understand I’m just fucking scared. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m scared.

I slept with a woman the other night. Long story short, the condom broke within 30-45 seconds, most likely. Things got weird at the very start & I cut it off. Once I pulled out, well, things got even more weird.

Fuck, you know what I just realized? My Pops reads this shit. Welp, if you’re reading this, man, understand I’m a BIT STRESSED FROM THIS RIGHT NOW. Sorry in advance. Well, I’ll try to be aware. I will. See? Writing, man. It’s pretty cool.

OK, we were driving the right way there but we lost our signal for a moment. We’re back, baby. Remember, I’m stupid tired. So, yes, things somehow became more strange & let me tell you, the things that made me stop within a minute were very, very strange. I don’t just stop having sex without a valid reason. I heard things I’ve never heard before. I don’t know if I’ll unhear them.

Anyway, let’s get back to it. This is the paragraph, I promise. I will get to the fucking point. (You should find that funny later.) Cut past some emotional moments, questions, & it turns out she has herpes. Yes, herpes. Just typing that made my heart drop. IF YOU FOUND ANGER READING THAT, PLEASE REFER TO THE KIND DISCLAIMER UP TOP. THANK YOU. I don’t know what it is about it, but the best way I can describe it is I don’t want to add it to my list. One thing to definitely mention: there was no outbreak & there hasn’t been any in quite some time. That gives me slight piece of mind. But OK, the list…

I am:

  • Gluten intolerant – like the real kind
  • Soy intolerant – honestly don’t know if this is real but I feel better without it
  • Lactose intolerant – not going to lie to you folks, I can sacrifice a lot of time & toilet paper if the cheese is good enough
  • Former drug addict – once a drug addict, always a drug addict, am I right, y’all? WHY DID THEY TEACH US THAT?
  • Jailed multiple times as a kid
  • Pulled away from the home to stay in group homes & other places that were… oof, to say the least
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • I write blogs about herpes at 1:15 AM

I mean, do I need to keep going? No. You get the point. But now we add a whopper to this list. Whopper Jr., if you’re reading this. We could be adding herpes, folks. Fuck. That’s why I said it in the title. Because, well, fuck. That’s all I can think about it. I’m not even trying to be funny. I can’t be funny with this shit. I can’t get a single straight thought across.

I know my life isn’t over. Again, check the disclaimer. I’m just scared, y’all. I’m hoping I can catch a break. I really hope I do. Knock on wood? (Literally knocked on wood after I typed that… out. Well, I did it again for good measure right now.)

I gave you a list of the bad shit about me. That was rude. Woe is me isn’t allowed in this shit. I have plenty positive to say to myself, to you about myself, & plenty to be grateful for. But sometimes, y’all, it’s OK to feel like the fucking world is closing in on you. The water rising as you reach the ceiling. Breath becoming more & more valuable with the pass of each anxious moment.

Again, I’m stupid tired right now. I don’t even know if we’re talking about herpes anymore.

OK, well, I’m not going to list out of the positive things. I’ve said them to myself. I’m good with that. I hope you are, too. Why don’t you try saying some positive things about yourself? Stop being so negative all the time, god damn. What’s there to be scared about? Herpes?

Maybe.

But we’ll get through it. Together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

IF YOU CARE: I’m getting tested tomorrow morning for all other STDs, getting tested for herpes after the accurate incubation period. All of these fucking medical bills are getting ridiculous.

SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, OH WELL. I REFUSE TO EDIT vA BLOG ON HERPES. GOOD DAY.

UPDATE TO THE SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I DID EDIT. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, JUST GO AWAY. Fuck, I need to sleep.

Bar Thoughts

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Therapy Through Punching

Yesterday most of you (the followers, thank you) read I was in a dark place. Don’t let that past-tense fool you, I’m still there. What’s most important is that I’m still here. Living, breathing, trying to calm down.

Yet what helps me is my passion. My passion for boxing, which I wholeheartedly attribute my breakaway from addiction to. Now that I’m not fighting anymore, I coach, & I coach for free.

20 of the 24 hours of yesterday sucked ass. Yet, the four hours I spent volunteering my time to help build strength, stamina, & most importantly, self confidence, helped me more than it helped the boxers I was training.

I guess Anthony De Mello was right when he said every act, even a charitable one, is selfish. Look what I just said. It helped me. That’s not a bad thing necessarily if your perspective shines in a positive light. If the training didn’t help me, I wouldn’t be there to do it. Those individuals coming to learn wouldn’t have me as their coach. They wouldn’t get to see me perform in my now-natural environment. They wouldn’t be able to build their confidence like I did ten years back with boxing.

I’m here now outside of myself. I’m here for others. I haven’t given up on myself, but I’ve tried almost everything under the sun to break through my depressive disorder. It always comes back, sometimes (most of the time) more fierce than the last time. Yesterday I lashed out on my mother, lashed out on my father, & went to bed at 4 AM. I’m not OK, but I’m doing my damn best.

As my coach always said: Chin down, eyes up. (Keeps ya from getting knocked out.)

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back To It

I’ve failed miserably over the past few days. I recently spoke with my psych & we both felt comfortable moving me to solely anxiety meds, no more anti-depressants.

I don’t know if that was a good choice. I can’t tell if it’s me, if it’s the drugs, or if it’s my current environment, but I’ve never thought so much about ending things than I have over the past few days. It sucks to admit, but hey, this is why I write. So you know. So I know. So we all can hold each other accountable.

I’m lost right now. I still think about my ex far too much, I’m lonely as fucking hell, & I don’t know if I’ll ever find happiness within myself for a substantial period of time. I’m running out of options. I’m running out of hope. I feel like I’m running out of time.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

On A Roll

These are halftime thoughts, really. Everton is playing Manchester United in the League Cup. I think I have about seven to eight minutes to finish this post. Oh, score is 0-0 if you’re wondering. United look more likely to score. Edinson Cavani is a baller.

OK, so we need to connect to the title. I mean, really, we spoke about soccer (yes, I’m American, I say soccer). Soccer balls roll, so this post is pretty much complete.

What the fuck is wrong with me sometimes?

No, the reason I’m writing to you today is two-fold:
1. Family member I’m staying with has COVID, therefore I’m on lockdown as well
2. I’m on a fucking roll with blogs, there’s no denying it

Funny thing is I’m not even trying to write more often. It’s just happening. I told myself I wanted to be active on this blog back in August when I started it. I’ve been more than excelling past my own expectations of myself for this $42/yr website. Totally worth every penny.

It’s funny how like … I’d say 85% of the followers are bots. WordPress has some issues there, definitely. I hope some of you out there read this stuff & get something from it. I mean, go back to some August 2020 or September 2020 posts. Fucking tragic. Yeah, some posts now are just as tragic, but let’s not pretend there’s no improvement.

OH, I’m down to my original medication, too. Once a month for therapy instead of the weekly followed by bi-weekly.

Lots of information for you lot, I know. Back to the game! Life rolls on! (I’m so sorry for that.)

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Update: You people made me miss one minute & fifty-four seconds of the second half. How dare you.

Story Time #1 – One Lives for Two

Hi, everybody!

I’ve been thinking, & I think it’s about time you lot get to know me a bit more. No, not my name, location, etc., but some moments in my life I believe impacted me in a certain way (neither all good or all bad).

So, with that said, we’ll call these installments “Story Time” – I can’t think of anything better right now. One of my many English professors told me multiple times to just “throw up on the page” when writing, so here it goes: My mantra explained.

The way I recall this event may be slightly different than how it actually happened. My Pops is the only family member that knows about this blog, so he may pick out some errors if he decides to read this. But hey, we can’t change our memories. This story takes place when I was four, almost five. My brother nine, & my mother & father in their late 30’s – early 40’s. I’m actually sitting on the couch in the same home this all happened. Eery, really. I don’t enjoy it much here.

I really get off track quickly, don’t I?

Anyway, about that mantra I’m supposed to explain. It’s “One lives for two”, & it’s for my late brother.

Flashback to 96′, it was a blindingly sunny day in the backyard, early summertime. Kids running, laughing, screaming, & of course, playing every single sport known to mankind. I remember my parents served pizza that day, but I couldn’t eat it. Stupid gluten. I was really mad about that. Next thing I remember is my brother collapsing in the backyard. Again, I could be misremembering, but I do remember a frenzy. Things I couldn’t understand. Things happening so fast. No more laughing. Only screaming, running, & crying. No one knew what to do.

My parents took control. One gave CPR, the other called for help. Neighbors booked it up the street to alert the cop on our block. His wife said he was too busy sleeping to come help. What a guy, right? Fuck that guy. He ended up divorced, go figure.

I stayed the night away from my brother. I stayed at a neighbor’s house. I don’t remember a single thing we did. All I remember is sitting on my bed the next day, parents slouched in front of me letting me know Nick wasn’t coming home.

Last Wednesday, my parents & I took a small tree to his gravestone. After my parents stepped away as we were leaving, I took a step back towards him. “You’re an asshole for leaving me here alone,” I said, laughing & crying. I hope he got a good laugh out of that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It Gets Better

Example: Me.

Now look, I’m not 100% better. If you’ve followed my blog posts since August when I started this outlet, you know I’ve been struggling with many things in my life. Mainly passion, loneliness, & overall depression. Anxiety gets tossed in there, too. Can’t stand that shit.

Over the past couple of days I’ve actually seen progress. Is it from my meds? Who knows. Is it from my therapy? Again, who knows. Who really cares? If we try to find answers for everything in our lives, we’ll go absolutely mad. Whatever I’m doing is working. I’m not close to my normal self yet, but I’m making progress most days.

Weekends still suck. Way too much time on my hands on the weekends. Monday through Friday? Doing real well.

Work is going well although I am interviewing for other companies (keep all doors open), I’m putting my house up for sale at the end of this month, & my future is quite unknown. I’m not scared about that any longer. I’m excited for it. I haven’t felt excitement in months, so I’m acclimating to it the best I possibly can. I must make sure not to get overexcited, because I’m sure something will slap me in the face over the next few days. You’re quite dense if you think everything is going to go smoothly because all of a sudden you feel like somewhat like yourself again. At least that’s what I think. If you don’t agree, you are a much more positive person & I can’t fault for you that. No one can. Keep that positivity. It’s hard to get back. (Again, example: Me.)

It feels good to genuinely laugh again. To go on dates & actually want to go on dates. To hit the heavy bag with purpose. To golf with my father. To walk my dogs. To cooking some of my favorite meals. To going to a dog birthday party this weekend.

It’s starting to feel like I’m turning a corner. Let’s hope it lasts, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Figuring Out Passion

One thing I struggle with on a daily basis, moreso over the past four months since my break-up & most of my life shifted in a different direction, is what I’m passionate about nowadays.

In the midst of the pandemic, my normal passion, boxing, is put to a halt. Coaching children in the art of boxing isn’t something I can just up & go do right now. That’s left me a bit stranded. I have, however, volunteered more of my time to another volunteer opportunity & I do hope the work with that picks up.

Passion, it’s an odd thing really. One day you have it, one day you don’t. It’s OK though, sometimes feeling passionate isn’t natural. For me, it’s understandable that it’s difficult to feel passionate about anything right now. My life, along with all of your lives, shifted in a crazy way. Those who used to spend their evenings with friends, having drinks, etc. are all now… somewhat stuck in their homes if they’re listening to social distancing guidelines. I sometimes fail at that, but if I didn’t go out in public (gym, grocery store, sometimes the bar for a soccer match), I would go ABSOLUTELY INSANE.

So let’s get back to passion. If you read my last post, you know that I also struggle with focus. That’s definitely on display here.

I’m almost 30. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that in the past, but that eats at me. Not because I think I’m old, but due to the fact that I don’t feel passionate about a single thing in life right now. At the age of 30, or just a bit younger, I thought I’d have it all figured out by now. Luckily I acknowledge that’s a myth & no one really has anything figured out in life. We’re all just winging it. Yes, you may have a plan, but there’s a good chance that doesn’t go exactly your way. I speak from experience, it definitely doesn’t go 100% our way when we have a plan.

Holy shit, I’ve somehow managed to get away from the topic at hand again. PULL IT TOGETHER, BLOGGER.

Passion. I don’t have it right now. I wish I did. I need something to keep me going. I am not dangerous when I’m bored, but holy shit do I treat my body like hell when I have nothing to do. Nothing to really look forward to.

It’s important to note that I most likely have plenty to look forward to, but that’s the funny thing about depression & anxiety & whatever else you could be dealing with – those little demons don’t give you much help in feeling good about yourself. They don’t help you find a passion, pursue a passion, or stick to a passion. They’re barriers. And maybe before I worry myself with what I’m passionate about, I should really look at why I’m not happy with myself.

Welp, don’t know if I said anything of value in this post. I hope you’re passionate about something in life, even if it’s something you consider small. It’s so very important to be excited about something in life. When you aren’t, everything just repeats. It’s all the same. Every day is the damn same.

Find a passion. Stick with it. Follow that shit. And if you have any outside the box ideas for a passion, LET ME KNOW. I am in dire need of a new passion. Hell, maybe even a passion project.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Stopgaps

Every night I go to bed with similar & quite stressful thoughts: Why do I keep filling my day with meaningless tasks? What void am I trying to fill & why am I doing such a terrible job at it? Will I be better tomorrow? I’ll be better tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do x differently & y so much better.

That last part doesn’t usually end up happening. My days remain relatively consistent – couch lounging, menial house & gardening work, & a mix of Tinder & cannabis. Let’s just say this mixture isn’t your best bet to get out of a slump – at least a mental health “slump” or whatever you want to call it.

Tinder is where I really go wrong. In the past week I’ve had four encounters with four different women, all usually followed by a heap of regret outside of my encounter in Maine. That person is now a friend.

You’re probably asking yourself why I keep swiping left & right. I don’t have a good answer for you. I mean, part of me wants to say that sex is an easy fix that creates some type of happiness/joy, but it doesn’t last. I’m not looking to create anything long-lasting. I promise I tend to be a nice guy when it comes to women which generates even more regret when I blow someone off or tell them I’m just not interested anymore.

One of the many stopgaps.

Let’s discuss my use of cannabis. I’m not a crazy heavy user, but when things get tough, I tend to smoke some cannabis & lie down. It helps with my anxiety, but it doesn’t help me long term. Where’s the balance in that? Which one is more important than the other? More questions I constantly ask myself each & every day.

Could I quit cannabis? I don’t think so – at least not right now. When I traveled to Maine, I didn’t have an itch for it, but when I’m in my own home… well, it just feels too natural & sometimes my anxiety climbs too high.

Another stopgap.

My menial tasks, my lounging. These are tasks that I do to just pass time. You have no idea how quickly I want days to end. I want to wake up & it be time for bed already. Sadly that doesn’t happen, but I strive for that right now. If I can spend less than six hours a day conscious, I call that a win. Luckily it’s not a big enough of a win for me to go back to my destructive opiate addiction (almost 10 years clean! See, there’s a positive in here).

Too many stopgaps & nonsensical tasks. Hell, I have to take the GRE to get into an MBA program in less than a month & I haven’t studied a page. I’m fucked, I know it, but I’m having trouble self-starting. Outside of work, I can’t do much for myself at this point. Luckily I’ve been able to get into the gym recently & have some decent workouts, but the hours before & after that gym visit are mostly shitty.

Holy fuck, this post sucks. Can I say anything positive at all?

Yeah, I can say a few positive things. I mean, if I didn’t, my best friend would holler at me for not listening to his #1 rule when it comes to venting/bitching/whatever this is. So let’s do it, let’s get into the positives.

My house is almost ready to sell. My dogs are healthy. I’m physically healthy. My parents are celebrating their 37th! wedding anniversary in the mountains as I type this post. My garden is still going strong. I do have something to look forward to – the test for the MBA program – I just need to get to studying at some point. I have a final interview on Monday & should receive two job offers over the next week. Anything else? Hey, I have a fully stocked fridge. That’s a huge win, too.

Life isn’t the absolute worst right now. Really, it isn’t. However, I need to figure out how to get rid of my stopgaps & dive into some passions. The problem is I don’t really feel like I have too much passion for any passions right now, if that makes sense. I’m hoping that changes, & until then I’ll keep using the stopgaps proven to get me by.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Maine Fun Facts & PICTURES!

Hi, everybody!

I went to a place this week where the sun hits first in the USA. Pretty dang cool. It’s called Cadillac Mountain, nestled in Acadia State Park, & I highly suggest you try to make it up there at some point in your life. The air, the wind, the sunlight, & most importantly the quiet is really something to make you appreciate the world we live in. Don’t worry, I’ll put some photos down below so you can take a look for yourself.

Did you know Maine provides about 90% of the lobster distributed throughout the USA? I didn’t, & today I’ll be trying my first bite in Portland, Maine. To be honest, I’m not huge on lobster. So far I’ve devoured bolognese, fish & chips, & a few other items not specific to Maine. I don’t have any regrets yet & I hope to not have any by the time I leave.

This trip hasn’t been all sunflowers & daisies, though. I’ve had my struggles. Being alone in a new place is always a struggle, but day after day you tend to get better. The more decisions you make for you, the better off you usually are. I’ve finally figured that out. Finally.

I’ve also had some bumps & bruises with Airbnb, but let’s not get into that. PLEASE, let’s not get into that.

Did you know that Maine is the number one provider of blueberries in the USA? I just missed out on blueberry season, so I’ve had to settle with strawberries. These little pockets of sugar are FANTASTIC. Highly recommend.

Outside of that, Maine is kind of a… slow-moving place. I’ve asked locals what to do & they usually respond with “go to the coast”. Well, pretty much everywhere in Maine is the coast. Did you know that Maine has more coastline than California? Crazy, innit?

Mind you, I’ve still yet to see the state bird. I know I posted a few weeks back which state bird it is, but honestly forgot till about right now! I’ll keep my eyes peeled for a sighting.

This trip is about restoration. It’s about getting out of my comfort zone & surviving, thriving, whatever. It’s really about learning how to take deep breaths again.

Deep breaths are so very important. I was able to meditate atop the Cadillac Mountain & wow, was that an experience. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt connected to nature. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go all hippy on you. Deep breaths are so, so very important.

My anxiety’s picked up a bit since I’ve been out here, but that was to be expected. The deep breaths help. I hope to find more of those today as I travel throughout Portland and other southern parts of Maine.

Oh! The locals are extremely friendly & nice. Keep that in mind if you make a solo trip out here. When in doubt, when tired, when beat up, strike up a conversation with a local Mainer. I haven’t been disappointed yet.

I’m off to get some breakfast & coffee! I have a list that tells me… Bards Coffee is the best coffee in Portland & Hot Suppa or Local 188 are the best spots for breakfast. We’ll just have to see about that, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Portland Headlight Lighthouse in Cape Elizabeth
Airbnb in Camden, ME
Cadillac Mountain (West Trail) in Bar Harbor, ME