Tag: love

Sleepy Blog

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

You guessed it. Siri reminded me again.

I’ve had a weird couple of weeks since I last blogged. A lot of ups and downs. However, I did get a chance to disconnect and recharge while I visited Arizona with the girlfriend. It was a great trip – filled with hikes, legal cannabis, and amazing food. Also really, really good company. It was only a few days, but it was just what I needed. I would never, ever live in Arizona, though. Yes, it’s dry so it doesn’t “feel” hot. But it “feels” hot, still. People down there just don’t want to admit it.

Outside of a little trip, I’ve had issues with my boxing coach and future going forward. That’s still up in the air. Although I have been training twice a day and really focusing in – but I don’t really have a goal in front of me, and that’s a bit scary. I worry for the longevity of my passion.

A couple other things going on. I’m overwhelmed. With work, with my side work, with coaching, training, spending time with friends and the girlfriend, family… lacking sleep. It’s getting a bit much, but I can’t seem to cut out anything. If anything, I just keep adding more and more, which leads me into the final thing “going on” with me right now.

The girlfriend is going through some internal struggles and that’s causing doubt in her heart. We had a long conversation about it yesterday, and it has nothing to do with me according to her, but a lot to do with her family and how tied in she is with them. She feels trapped. This was one of the only times I’ve been able to look someone in the eyes and tell me, “I love you, so I want you to choose what makes you happy.” Anthony de Mello would be proud. She chose to be with me, and understand that I don’t need anything out of her. If anything at all, I want her to focus on herself and solely herself. I want my girlfriend back, not the person who’s attacking herself and belittling her achievements each and every day. And that starts with her focusing on herself and forgetting about me for a bit. I’m fine being on the back burner for someone I love.

Not a bad blog for a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 days. Not bad at all. Or maybe it’s really bad. I guess it’s all subjective, isn’t it.

Oh! My pup is doing awesome. Sleeping right now after a long walk and a bit of a jog. I don’t know why I’m adding this, I just wanted to?

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

2022 – So What?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

The title reads in a negative light. It isn’t supposed to. My bad.

Tomorrow we start 2022! To be completely honest, I’m not at all a “NEW YEAR, NEW ME” type of person, but I am proud of what I’ve accomplished this year. And I’m proud of the ones around me. Grateful, too.

This year had its ups and downs, that’s for sure. But if we were to sum it all up, I think the ups outweigh the downs. And that’s what we want, right?

This year has been about awareness for me. Truly the first year I’ve really focused in on it – and boy am I glad I did so. I’m aware of how I feel so much more often now and CAN STOP myself from doing horrible things and/or saying terrible things.

I’ve also grown professionally and grown physically. Mentally I’ve grown. All year – growth!

Have you checked in with yourself in a bit? You should. I bet you surprise yourself with all the awesome stuff you did this year (and no, it doesn’t have to be a trip to Jamaica or some shit).

Good luck in 2022. Thanks for tagging along with me on these blog posts. I appreciate you all pushing me to write more and more. It helps.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

The Last Few Days

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s not often anymore that I write to you in the morning but here we are. The past week took me for a ride – let’s go through that.

Wednesday of last week I took a new job. A job I consider to be “life-changing” if I do it right. I was very happy. I even wrote a tiny blog on it.

Wednesday night, my 11-year old dog starts to look sick, lethargic, whatever. Bad.

Thursday morning I bring her to the vet. No good news. Rapid decline in health. Needs to be put down by end of the day.

I had that dog at the age of 19. She got me through EVERYTHING over the past 11 years. It was my turn to help her out by making sure she didn’t spend a single day on this planet being miserable or in poor health. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right decision to make. I’ll miss her always and forever, but just like my brother she will live on with me. She made me such a better human being without every saying a word.

I chose to box on Saturday and compete in the event I was scheduled to compete in. Coach and I drove a couple hours to the venue – I had just lost about 5 lbs because I put on some weight after my dog passed. I needed to weigh in at 168 so I made sure to chew gum and spit throughout the whole drive to the venue. Came in at 168.6 – just good enough. Phew. Hell of a week but still made weight.

Coach and I head out to grab some food. When we come back, I notice my name isn’t on the bout sheet. I asked what’s up? Why not?

The guy I was supposed to box found himself in jail the morning of the fight. Go figure. Shit. I was really looking forward to punching someone after the week I had.

Want to know the craziest shit? I’m actually doing OK now. My family supported me, my friends supported me, and all of my past adversities supported me here. We really do get stronger if we choose to get stronger. I know this blog is always a mess and this post proves it, but as always, thank you for letting me talk to you–it’s always nice to vent.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Decision Made

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s a R&R type of afternoon and I’ve had some time to think about this blog. I’ve decided the quality of my posts has drastically taken a hit with this damn streak on my mind, so I’ve set an end date for the streak.

With this post, it will be 147(?) posts in 147 days. That’s a lot. I think a lot but not enough to write THAT much. So I’ll be calling my daily streak quits at 150.

Now that sounds like a commitment, I get it, but it’s not. If I feel like I need to keep writing to solve a thought in my head or if my anxiety kicks in and doesn’t want to let the streak go away, I will continue to write.

But right here, right now, I think a good stopping point is 150 posts in 150 days. The goal was originally 30 posts in 30 days. We’re about to 5x that! Insane, right?

But the content has struggled as of yet. I apologize for that. I don’t know if it’s really because I’m writing too much. I think it’s just been my mood. I’m back to that whole “not excited” me. I hate this version. Luckily it hasn’t been hitting me like a ton of bricks as it usually does, but that time could come if I don’t figure something out.

So yeah, I might keep writing. But right now, let’s agree to stop at 150.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lake Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’ve waited all summer for this day. Finally, I’m on a lake.

The person I’m with just ran three miles with me around the lake — that was nice. Guess what? Now it’s time for some tacos and beer. Tomorrow we get back into the thick of training. Let’s have some fun tonight, yeah?

But I have to leave you with something, don’t I? Something to think about. So how about this: Don’t think about anything. Try that. Just let today be today and enjoy yourself. Hell, if you’re successful, it might just roll in tomorrow and you might just enjoy tomorrow, too! That would be nuts, right?

We can hope. We can do our best. We can live. Maybe one day we can live on a lake.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It’s A QD!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Quote day. QD stands for quote day.

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently at a graduation party but I wanted to write a bit — then I realized I don’t have much today. So what did I do? Scoured the internet for some gosh darn amazing quotes. Just for you.

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

Morris West

You can say that again.

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

Seneca

I mean, that’s hard to argue.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

Sense a theme yet?

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.

Les Brown

Yup.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

F Today

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Each and every day we have here is different. There’s times when everything feels like a replay, but really, every single day is different.

We tell ourselves “no” often. Why? We hate hearing no from others.

I would like to move out of my hometown.

When’s the moment I stop thinking about certain people? How can I get closer to that moment in time?

I constantly need to remind myself about gratitude. Typing out that last sentence reminded me this time.

So what the hell was this? Airport thoughts, really. Maybe I need to start bringing my phone in the shower and typing out shower thoughts. That would be… interesting.

Welp, I’m off to Texas. Flight boards in just a few minutes. I’m gonna miss my pups! And the boxing gym. But I’ll be back Thursday. That’s a short, short trip. I should be fine, right? I will be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Happy Pop’s Day to all you wonderful fathers out there. You are appreciated, very appreciated.

Right now I’m in my parent’s living room. Typing here on my phone. I don’t have much to say—I’m just grateful. I’m grateful to have such a wonderful family and a Pops that’s always supported me.

My Pops never told me who to be. He let me be me, even if I was shitting the bed there for a bit. My Pops never tried to influence how I thought. He knew I understood right v. wrong, it just took me a bit to put that knowledge into action.

I feel like my Pops has always had trust in me. And that means the world to me. He’s the best damn man on this planet, he really is. I’m grateful to have him. I am grateful to spend part of this day with him.

I hope you get a chance to hug or high-five your Pops today. If you don’t have a father, please forgive me. To all those celebrating, enjoy your day. Show gratitude.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Doggos

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everybody.

This week for me has been about gratitude. It’s very important to check yourself every once in a while and appreciate what you do have in your life. And what’s something I’m extremely appreciative of? My doggos.

This pandemic hasn’t been fun as we all know. But I can tell you one thing for certain: my doggos have kept me going each and every day. If I’m down, I grab one of them and cuddle. If I’m up, I take them for a ride to the dog park.

My doggos are always there for me. (Should I stop referring to them as doggos now? I don’t know if I can, I mean, it’s in the title.) “Man’s best friend”. And for good reason. The loyalty they show is something we could all learn from. I know they’re animals, but my god they are fantastic at living in the moment. We could all learn something from doggos there, too.

But love is where they excel. And I’m grateful to have their love and loyalty. They’re my best friends and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Thank you, doggos.

Oh! Quick reminder: ADOPT, DON’T SHOP!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.