Not Nearly as Consistent

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know. Last time I blogged I told you lot that I’m back, I’d write more, yada yada. Well, you know life. Shit happens. And it hasn’t been bad shit, I’ve just been busy getting my life back in order after those blips I mentioned in my last blog post.

It’s been hectic getting everything back together in my life. Dog passed unexpectedly, gf broke up with me due to my mental health (again), totaled my car (my fault, yikes), my boxing match didn’t happen because my opponent found himself in jail… and I’m sure there was more.

I’m not here to bitch. I”m here to be grateful and share what I’m excited about.

I’m grateful for my Pops. Without him, I would be drowning in even more depression and even more debt. He’s truly a special individual. I love him with all my heart – even though I fail to showcase it at times.

I’m grateful for my best friend. He knows who he is. He’s brought me outta the mud so many times and with our new NFT venture, it’s really given me another outlet to “distract” myself with. No, I don’t think distracting yourself is good but I don’t mean it that way. I just can’t seem to come up with another word. I guess “hobby” fits. Anyway, if you’re reading this, thank you.

I’m grateful for the communities I’m in, the people around me, my boxers who made a custom hat which says “Coach {{lastname}}”. I’m grateful for so fucking much. I should get that tattooed on the back of my hand or somewhere VERY noticeable. Just to remind myself. I am grateful for so. fucking. much.

I hope to write more. I’m not pushing pressure on myself to do so anymore. I’ll write when I feel like writing. Don’t worry, I still love you lot. And I’m still here. If you comment, I’ll see it. I’ll respond. I’ll be here to chat with you. But I’m done imprisoning myself in thinking “I need to do this, I need to do that”. It’s not healthy.

I’m excited for so many things. I started an amazing new job and it provides so much opportunity. Opportunity to finally look at my life-long goal of owning a free to the public boxing gym as something achievable.

But it’s not about the job. It’s about my state of mind nowadays. I’ve changed. Yeah, I’m still conquered at times by my mental health struggles, but I understand limits and understand my potential. I’m much more aware than I’ve ever been, in and outside the ring.

Enough about me. I hope you’re doing fuckin’ fantastic. If not, hit me up. Let’s chat about it.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quickie

Hi, everybody.

No, it’s not what you think. We aren’t talking about sex today. The title reflects what this blog will be for me: quick. I have a shit ton to do today but on my list was… well, to blog. I didn’t realize that it would just add stress, haha. I do that too often in life – complete overload.

I raked today and I fucking hate raking. It’s over. It’s done. Yard already has leaves back on it. WHAT IS THE POINT?!

Overall I’m better today than I was yesterday, or whenever I wrote my last blog letting you know what’s been going on in my life. I start at my new company tomorrow and … yeah, I’m scared. But I’m excited. You lot know I struggle when I’m not excited about anything.

Was your weekend good, bad, OK? I hope it was amazing. I really do.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I’m Still Here

Hi, everybody.

It’s been a minute. I’m still here but quite a bit has happened over the past few weeks. In this blog, I’m simply going to recount what’s happened here for my own wellbeing. I’ll see if I can break down a few things down the road once I’ve fully grasped them and the impact they end up making in my life.

It hasn’t been good. Not saying there hasn’t been anything good. I got a new job (it should be fantastic) and I’m going to be OK financially thanks to some help. I’m grateful for what I have around me.

But the past two weeks have been a shit show.

I…

  • Lost my dog, best friend of 11 years
  • Lost my girlfriend
  • Totaled my car
  • Phone stopped working from a system update
  • Didn’t get to box because my opponent found himself in jail
  • Cried repeatedly for the past two weeks

But I made it through all the bullshit. I did my best to let it pass through me. Did it win at times? Oh fuck yeah it did. I lashed out, I became the old me, I unleashed everything I dislike about myself. But this time it was slightly different-I was aware of what was going on. Now I still couldn’t stop it and that’s a problem I need to work on, but at least I could feel it build. I could sense where my mind was going.

I can’t thank my support system enough for their help over the past two weeks and well, my entire life. I love you lot. And readers, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve wanted to write but I’ve been sad. I’m looking to work on that, too.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Losing My Best Friend

Hi, everybody.

Last week, on Thursday, I lost my best friend of 11 years. Her name was Bella and she was a beautiful dog with an even more beautiful soul. Here’s what I wrote from one of my posts yesterday and I wanted to make sure to put it right here on my blog. I might even upload some photos, who knows. I don’t feel like typing more stuff out right now because it saddens me, but I would love to recount everything about Bella one day. One day real soon.

This whole thing tore me apart. It really did. Bella experienced a rapid health decline due to unknown cancer in her body. But if there’s one thing I learned from my very best friend, it’s this: You can keep going, no matter how shitty you feel. Bella brought me through beating drug addiction, battling depression and anxiety, bad relationships, and so much more. Every time I looked at her she would reassure me to keep going. She loved me no matter which side of the bed I woke up on—and man, am I forever grateful for her.

Bella also spent quite a bit of time with many close friends in my life and left a positive impact on them, too. She was truly special.

Bella loved to: 1. play fetch, 2. play more fetch, 3. butt rubs, 4. chase squirrels (damn them), 5. swim, run, anything exciting, 6) eat anything, including trash, 7) be there for me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever capture a relationship quite like I had with Bella. I don’t believe I want another relationship like the one I had with her. Nothing can replace her and that makes me happy. Genuinely happy. She lived an extremely healthy life and sadly cancer came to end it short (and abruptly).

I love you so much, Bella. I hope wherever you are they are topping your food with raw salmon, feeding you eggs, and continuously throwing the tennis ball for you. Heck, I hope they have a Chuck-It! for you. You loved those.

I’ll miss my best friend but Bella was also a best friend to my other dog, Louie. He is adjusting quite well—probably gets his strength from ol’ Bella girl. I’ll miss you, Bella. Gone too soon. You’ll never be forgotten.

Thank you for everything, Bella. You were one of a kind. A true best friend. Family.

Bella Girl | 05/26/2010 – 11/04/21

The Last Few Days

Hi, everybody.

It’s not often anymore that I write to you in the morning but here we are. The past week took me for a ride – let’s go through that.

Wednesday of last week I took a new job. A job I consider to be “life-changing” if I do it right. I was very happy. I even wrote a tiny blog on it.

Wednesday night, my 11-year old dog starts to look sick, lethargic, whatever. Bad.

Thursday morning I bring her to the vet. No good news. Rapid decline in health. Needs to be put down by end of the day.

I had that dog at the age of 19. She got me through EVERYTHING over the past 11 years. It was my turn to help her out by making sure she didn’t spend a single day on this planet being miserable or in poor health. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right decision to make. I’ll miss her always and forever, but just like my brother she will live on with me. She made me such a better human being without every saying a word.

I chose to box on Saturday and compete in the event I was scheduled to compete in. Coach and I drove a couple hours to the venue – I had just lost about 5 lbs because I put on some weight after my dog passed. I needed to weigh in at 168 so I made sure to chew gum and spit throughout the whole drive to the venue. Came in at 168.6 – just good enough. Phew. Hell of a week but still made weight.

Coach and I head out to grab some food. When we come back, I notice my name isn’t on the bout sheet. I asked what’s up? Why not?

The guy I was supposed to box found himself in jail the morning of the fight. Go figure. Shit. I was really looking forward to punching someone after the week I had.

Want to know the craziest shit? I’m actually doing OK now. My family supported me, my friends supported me, and all of my past adversities supported me here. We really do get stronger if we choose to get stronger. I know this blog is always a mess and this post proves it, but as always, thank you for letting me talk to you–it’s always nice to vent.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Need to Get It Out of My System

Hi, everybody.

Today will be short. I plan to write a rather long blog post about this topic but I really just needed to type something out today. Call it therapeutic.

Wednesday night my older dog (11) started acting funny. Lethargic, not right. I took her to the vet the next morning and by 4 PM yesterday, she was put down. She meant the world to me. She brought me through addiction, multiple breakups… I mean, so so much. I will miss her. And I will make sure she’s remembered.

I love you lot. I hope you’re holding your loved ones close and your furry friends just as close.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Put In My Two Weeks!

Hi, everybody!

It happened! I negotiated the offer and got closer to what I wanted. You are looking at a guy with a new job! I start November 22nd and I couldn’t be happier/more intimidated right now. The more important is the former: I’m happy.

I also got to put in my two weeks at my current company. Gosh, that felt good. The stark contrast between both our facial expressions when it was mentioned was fantastic. My boss knows how much I help the team and it was like a dagger to his side to lose me. Sadly this isn’t his fault, but the company’s as to why I’m leaving. They don’t coach. They don’t enable. They don’t push you.

On to bigger and better things. MUCH bigger and hopefully MUCH better.

I say it all the time: don’t be afraid of change.

I wish you the best. Don’t beat the shit out of yourself.

Negotiation Talks & Ma’s Birthday

Hi, everybody.

It’s been a few days since I’ve written to you. My apologies. Honestly I have thought about it–I just didn’t have anything to write about. I’ve missed you. Welcome back.

OK! So some big news coming from my camp. I’m accepting a new job this week at a massive company and I’m super thrilled about it. The company I’m at right now is a dead end and lied to me during the interview process, so… yeah, I’m happy. ECSTATIC.

But that’s not the best part of the day. It’s my Ma’s birthday! We did a brunch yesterday since today is a Monday, but after coaching I’ll make sure to drop by her house and say hello. Give her a big hug and tell her I love her. She’s a great mom. The best.

And last thing to update you on: I fight this weekend! In Iowa! I don’t know why I’m yelling! But yes, I’m boxing again this weekend. I have a few pounds to cut so I’m limiting what I eat and wearing trash bags all week (sauna suits) to make sure I come in at weight. Wish me luck.

But yeah, things are exciting right now. In about 40 minutes I have to sit down with my soon-to-be new boss and negotiate my starting wage. I’ve never successfully done that before but this time I hope will be different. I’m more confident in what I bring to the table. I’m more confident in myself and in my life. I hope you are, too. You deserve to be confident.

My anxiety? Depression? All still there. Oh don’t you worry, that shit never goes away. But I let it pass through me much easier now. I constantly remind myself to let things pass through me and not to fight with the negative emotions I have throughout the day. It helps. Just let it go through you–don’t wear yourself down by fighting your own emotions.

Phew, I blacked out writing that. I don’t think I’ll go back and edit. You get what you get, right?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MA!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Update: CO Trip

Hi, everybody.

I meant to write this yesterday but I was just a bit too tired. The girlfriend and I spent the weekend in Golden, CO and not to sound corny… but it was an absolutely golden trip.

Yeah, corny.

Anyway, it was a trip filled with no plans. We knew we wanted to hike. Where? We figured we would find that out when we were there. We did and it was an absolutely gorgeous (and tiring) hike.

We didn’t have food plans but we never had a bad meal. If anything, our lack of knowledge going into some restaurants surprised us in a good way.

I learned this trip that not everything needs to be in a routine. Sometimes it’s necessary to be impulsive and just choose what you want to do in that moment while you’re in that moment. You can worry about the consequences later (most of the time).

I enjoyed my trip. The girlfriend enjoyed it, too. Now it’s back to the daily grind but guess what? I’m recharged. Self care matters, people. Make friends with it.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Colorado Vibes

Hi, everybody.

I know, alarming off the bat. I used the word “vibe” in the title. Who have I become?

In all seriousness, I had an anxiety attack as I normally do when I head out on a trip. Luckily I had someone to talk to about it. It’s nice to be close enough to someone to talk about these things audibly sometimes. It’s also nice that she cares and tries to understand.

Tonight I get to take her out to dinner after a long car ride and some dispensary/walking around fun this afternoon. I’m grateful for that. But I wanted to make sure to take a moment here, breathe, acknowledge this, and move on with the night.

Thank you for being an outlet for me. Anxiety, depression, all of it — we can beat any of it. You can. I can. It doesn’t happen all at once, but one won battle is worth a celebration. Celebrate yourself tonight/today/whatever time it is for you right now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.