Lots Going On

Hi, everybody.

How often do I write here now? Every two weeks? Three? I only write when I know I need it. Right now, I do.

Tomorrow I have a boxing match. This one is weird. I’m not engaged. I’m not excited. I just want to get it over with. Maybe I’m sick of competing? Maybe. Or maybe I just have too much stuff going on.

My full-time job is great, it really is. It’s a lot of work, but I’m valued and the pay shows it. Finally. But everything else in life? I don’t feel like I’m getting the value out of it. The NFT stuff, the coaching, and even at times my relationship. It feels like I give a lot of myself and don’t have much of myself by the end of the day. Does anyone else run into that problem?

Also, I feel like I’m running in circles chasing my own tail nowadays. I mean, not every day is the same day, but every day is filled with tasks from about 9 AM to midnight. It’s not healthy – and this goes for weekends, too. I haven’t been able to keep up with any news, watch any of my favorite sports teams, or really see much of my friends. I need help, but I’m stuck with these responsibilities and obligations. These commitments. My pops always told me commitments are important and it’s stuck with me. I don’t want to let anyone down, ever. I’ve done that so often throughout my life and it’s something I just don’t want to do again – especially if I can have control over it.

All that said, the audience I know is screaming “BALANCE, BALANCE!”, and believe me, I’m trying. Each day I wake up I tell myself I’m not going to give into this, I’m not going to do that, but my mind plagues me with “You’re a piece of shit if you don’t do what you told yourself you would do.”

Example? I want to take a nap right now but in my Siri reminders I had “Blog”. What am I doing now? Blogging. What will I be doing after blogging? Getting my laundry done. Will I nap? Probably not.

But maybe if I stop writing, especially now that I’ve been able to muster this aggression out of me and into an outlet like this, maybe I can take that nap. And guess what, I’m going to go do that now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Random Thoughts/Early Morning

Hi, everybody.

It’s nice to see ya again! It’s been a minute. A lot has happened, a lot. My family and I are good again! My pops and I finally sat down and talked. Felt good – and I even got to go to church with my Ma because of it. Just in time! Nice.

OK, what to talk about this morning… well, to be honest, I decided to write because I fell asleep on the couch last night and I always wake up early when I do that. Oh, and my work programs are being slow, so I had really nothing else better to do than write to you.

I’ll never get tired of that rhyming.

With my dog at my feet, I feel secure today. Yet I know in a few hours everything will feel shaky, I’ll question every little thing I’m doing, and I’ll start to wonder when people will notice that I have no clue what I’m doing.

But do any of us have a fuckin’ clue about what we’re doing or are we just doing things the best we can? The best we can is right. And so far, the best I can give seems to be enough for many people – and I need to make sure it’s enough for me, too.

I think it is. I think I’m on the right track. I don’t believe I’m “going backwards” or anything like that, but it is hard to tell at times.

What else is on the mind… what else…

My stomach needs to figure it out. Seriously.

OK, what else, what else…

I don’t have much else. My dog gets therapy from my therapist on Friday. Hopefully I write about that right after it happens. Some type of locked emotion therapy? I don’t know – it’s free. I am so very interested to see if anything at all happens with my dog, or if this is just some weird/bogus attempt at therapy with animals. Either way, I bet my cute pup gets a treat at the end of it.

This was a terrible blog. Oh well. ON TO THE NEXT!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Overdoing It?

Hi, everybody.

Yup, Siri reminded me.

I’m writing today about overdoing things. I think I write about this topic a lot so I must not be learning from myself, or I just like the pain. Either way, I need to figure something out.

I’ve been overloaded and overwhelmed for the past couple of months, but guess what? I took on another side gig/job. A fun one, don’t get me wrong, but more work. Do I need to give myself more work? I don’t think so, but something about me right now can’t say no to opportunity.

And maybe that’s how I look at the struggle of overdoing it. I have my eggs in like 12 baskets but maybe this is how I get to my singular goal of running my own boxing gym/community center one day. Just maybe.

Other than the daily hectic scramble, I’m a bit under the weather today. Although, everything else in my life is going pretty damn great. I won my last boxing match last week, I fight again in 8 days, my career is going well, and my relationships with my girlfriend and mother have improved each day. I’m really starting to feel the growth in my life.

I’m a bit sleepy. Thanks for popping in and reading this thing. It means quite a bit to me that I still have some followers on here and people that take time to read about my life. Feel free to comment below something you would like to share (if you want).

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Enjoying Passage of Time

Hi, everybody.

It’s in my reminders to write today. I’m kind of forcing it, but I do need to get out some thoughts. I have lunch with my mother in just a bit, so this will be short!

So tomorrow I box again. I’m on a losing streak, 2 losses in a row, but I am confident moving into this fight. Why? I’ve trained my ass off and I’ve been able to relax and have fun in the ring again, which allows me to think about what I’m doing and execute it.

Other than that, my life is a hell of a mess. I work about 7 AM to 10 PM right now and it’s killing me. I’m not getting enough sleep. My eating habits are not the best. But I have been better at lashing out at people. I’ve done better communicating how I feel about certain things and not placing blame. I’ve had a lot of positives happen, just not much time to think about them.

Maybe that’s my next thing I should do. Sit down and write a list of things that I’m proud of doing over the past couple of months. Maybe that will provide some perspective to oppose this burnout I’m feeling.

Who the hell knows. Life is weird. And for all I know, life is just about enjoying the passage of time – and I need to a do a better job at that.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Losing My Raw Side

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Do It for Free

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know, I don’t write that often. Maybe I don’t want to write for free, alright?

BOOM. Already hit the title. Look at me goooooo.

OK, back to it. I’ve spent a significant amount of my time recently doing things that don’t bring me any income. It’s been great. Am I being sarcastic? Hell no. Value doesn’t come down to monetary alone. Value comes from so much more. I work on an NFT project and right now it’s not bringing much money in. Why? Well, we aren’t releasing anything. It’s more about keeping the community together as we build. And guess what? It’s been just as much fun as it was when we were making money.

It’s weird. Do the things you like with the people you love and you might find yourself in a good spot. I should always do that, shouldn’t I? Well, I’ve been doing it with boxing, too. Only coaching those who bring value into my life and only boxing when it drives that same value into my life. Boom, winner.

Work? Well, yes, I get paid for that. But the company I joined in November brings value into my life. Outside of the money deposited into my account, I get SO MUCH from my coworkers, the environment, and the day-to-day work. I love it.

So yeah, don’t do shit for free. Do shit that puts value directly in your life. You’ll thank yourself for it. And I’m thanking myself for writing this. It brought value to me, whether you believe it or not!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Fighting This Weekend

Hi, everybody.

My confidence isn’t sky high for my fight this upcoming weekend. And it has nothing to do with my boxing skill – which is a good thing.

However, I’ve been quite unsure of myself over the past couple of weeks. I can’t pick out why. It feels like I’m losing a lot of what’s built me up to this point.

But on to the fight – I get to fight the #1 guy in the state in my weight class. I’m pumped about that. Today I need to rest my body and make sure I’m on weight. Easy enough.

But tonight, what do I do? My sleeping habits have been poor, my eating habits not much better, and I’m exhausting myself each and every day. I need to let this negativity pass through me and go from there.

See, the power of writing. Just let the solution come to you. Try it sometime.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Siri Reminder

Hi, everybody.

I love Siri. Not like that weird movie where the dude falls in love with his phone. Definitely not that type of love.

But without Siri, I would forget SO MUCH. Including writing in this blog. So what’s been up?

I’m finally feeling comfortable in my job and it’s an exciting feeling. I’m almost pumped about my job now and it’s been two years since I’ve had that feeling. Outside of that, I’ve helped two individuals recently with their resumes and LinkedIn profiles – within a day one got an interview with a company he only dream about before! It’s a great feeling when the clients see success. It really is. Makes it all worth it.

I’ve had to tone back from some things in life to keep my head on straight. The NFTs were taking up quite a bit of time, so I’ve dialed back there. I’ve laid a good foundation and I don’t need to be as active anymore. It’s a blessing, really. Hard work does pay off.

I have another boxing match on the 19th of this month! I get to fight the #1 Middleweight in the state. I’m extremely excited and I can’t wait to beat him and be the #1 Middleweight in the state. EASY.

Outside of that, I finally have a healthy relationship with a woman. And I’m able to be open and honest with her about my mental health issues, which really lets us immerse ourselves in each other’s lives without any hesitations. It’s pretty cool to be honest and open about mental health.

My dog is still a dog. He’s becoming much more behaved and chilling out just a bit. Right now he’s napping next to me and I’ll probably join him for 20 minutes or so once I’m finished up writing this here.

For me, at least over these past couple months, I’ve focused on how I’m feeling at the current moment and making sure I don’t take my frustrations from my mental health out on anyone. I’ve failed once, but other than that I have done a tremendous job and I’m proud of myself for it. I never could have dreamed having this much control over my actions a year ago. A lot has changed, and it’s mostly all for the better.

I hope you’re experiencing growth, too. And I hope you’re taking a step back and looking at that growth, patting yourself on the back, and pushing for more.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Where I’m At

Hi, everybody.

I literally typed out that “Hi, everybody.” then took a meeting for 40 minutes so I need to readjust. What was I going to write about?

OK, I think I know. Understanding where I’m at, right? Bit ironic how this all worked out but I’m talking about a different understanding. An understanding of how I’m feeling emotionally at almost all times and how I’m now able to somewhat control that. By “control that”, I mean not feel terrible about feeling sad, mad, or confused. Not being overly anxious when I’m happy or rushed.

Having more control over the self. It’s important, and something I’ve been working on for this past year. I’m finally starting to see changes. I think even the people I’m close with can see the changes. I’m not lashing out nearly as much, if any. I’m controlling frustrations. I’m maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Things are looking up. And you know what? It’s all because I decided to take charge. I decided to take action with my mental health. And you can, too.

Remember to use those people around you that want to help. It’s not a handout, as my best friend says, it’s simply someone trying to help. You are no charity case, don’t you dare ever believe that. You are you. Strong. Determined. Fucking ready for anything.

And you know that, too. Because you understand more of the self.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Shifts

Hi, everybody.

Yep, I’m still around!

Today I wanted to discuss shifts, because they’re constant. Unavoidable. The human mind changes each and every day and as you all know, we must somewhat change with it.

For me, the shift has been to a much more professional stance. I’ve realized that if I do want to achieve my goals of a boxing gym and more, I must be much more focused on the task at hand and building myself up. I can’t focus on 20 things right now. I have to focus on me. My personal growth. My professional growth. And that’s a shift for me.

When we look at shifts in our lives, sometimes they’re forced and sometimes they happen out of the blue. Either way, both are manageable – if you take a breath and become aware of how you’re feeling about those shifts.

I always mention to check in with yourself. Are you doing that? I’m not doing a good enough job at it. I end up at 2 AM contemplating my entire life. That needs to shift. And I can make that shift, as long as I’m aware while it’s going on. Sadly, awareness can be a tricky bastard.

I’m happy that I haven’t lost touch with this blog. Yes, I don’t post often, I get it. But I do look forward to writing from time to time now, even if there’s not much substance. It helps me feel. It helps me understand the shifts that are taking place in my life. And it helps me stay aware of the little things, which are sometimes the most important things.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.