Checking In

Hey, everybody. Hope you’re all doing spectacular.

I haven’t put anything down on paper recently, and I really don’t have much to say today. I just felt like checking in with you lot.

I will say this morning has been easily my best morning in quite some time, especially after moving in with my parents for a short while so I can look for a good house/maybe a new state to live in.

I’m grateful for what I have, I really am. I need to remember that every day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Holding On

In my last post, I mentioned I was moving out of my first home ever purchased. So far, to the naked eye, it’s seemingly going great. I have food at my disposal at my new place of residence, people taking care of my laundry, etc.. The only problem: I’m almost 30 years old staying with my parents as I search for a new house.

I have a career, some money saved up, I know. It’s not bad. It could be a lot worse. I understand that. However, I’m still without passion. I still count down the hours of the day. I still can’t find anything to hold on to. I’m lost, & now more lost without a place to call my home.

I’ll find something soon enough. Problem there is, I don’t really know if I want to stay in this city. I don’t know if I want to stay in this state. I don’t know if I want to stay in this country. I’m just lost, man. I need something to hold on to.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Moving Out

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Monster

If you’re like me, you wake up without a clue on how you’ll feel for the rest of the day. And guess what? It’s our choice on how we want to feel. Now, do we get to that point of feeling good? That’s always up in the air.

I go to bed scared. Honestly, I do. It’s why I’m usually up till two, sometimes four in the morning. It’s scary as fuck to wake up. To bring your mind through its own warzone each & every day.

Wake up, look in the mirror, say you’re shit, take a shower, feel a bit better, get some food in ya, play with the dogs, see if the sun is out. Sun is out? Ah, damn, looks like you need to fill your day with shit. Ah, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, can’t really see anyone. What now? Do you read tonight? Maybe study? Will you have focus for that? Do you have any focus right now? Eh, maybe it’s best if you do everything tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better, right? Has to be.

I swear this thought process happens every morning for me right now. I don’t see an end to it. Each day is relatively the same. Yet, I do have my good days. These are days I need to build from. Days I need to recount when I’m having those shitty moments in the morning. Remember on long drives that I don’t always think negatively about myself. Stop torturing myself for my past.

Life’s full of ups & downs & guess what, we have to fucking deal with them. I’m sorting out mine. I hope you are, too.

Real quick, I read a quote not too long ago, forgive me for not remembering where I found it, but I want to put it on here.

“It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.”

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Uncertainties

All of us have them. I mean, just look at today. Did I wake up today thinking they’d finally announce who won the presidency? Nope. I thought it’d take longer. I was uncertain about it.

This flows into almost everything in my life right now, outside the love I have for my family, friends, & of course the doggos. I don’t know what I’d like to do for work, even though many think I’m very happy with my current career. I’m scared as shit to move out of my house, even though many think I’m only experiencing excitement with the move. The list goes on & on.

But that first thing I mentioned is important to remember. We all live with uncertainties. What I’m living through is no more special than what you are living through, or what your significant other might be going through. It’s up to me to figure out how I feel about certain things in my life, how I’ll respond, & how I’ll combat any negativity down the line.

I’m uncertain about quite a things in my life, but I’m not uncertain about my strength.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Standing Firm

It’s not easy to do. Each day you wake up you’re faced with what seems like a minimal impact decision: Do I get out of bed?

It’s important to get out of bed, especially if you struggle with mental health. If you don’t get out of bed, you’re compounding the misery. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact. Giving yourself leeway, however, isn’t wrong to do. Sometimes it’s important, but whatever you decide on, stand firm on that decision.

This morning, for example, I woke up at a decent time. I don’t have a working shower so I’ve been using the gym till the plumber fixes the pipes at my house. I woke up & immediately thought, “There’s no way I get to the gym, shower, and back in time to get anything done for work.”

Now normally, at least over the past 6-7 months, I would’ve rolled over in bed & said fuck it. Today, however, I stood firm in what I planned to do today. I got out of bed, had one of the most lackluster gym sessions I’ve ever had, but guess what? I got out of bed. I did what I told myself I would do. I made the rest of my day less stressful due to that decision.

It doesn’t sound like much. And really, it isn’t much. But do what you can do to help yourself. Don’t let that little evil guy or girl inside your brain tell you no. Stand up to that fucker. Tell yourself I can do this. I will do this. And in turn, you’ll be able to say “I did it.”

Stand firm, people.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rescheduling

This week was a shitstorm, and it could’ve been handled much, much better. How? Well, by not procrastinating on every little & big thing. Outside of work, I waited last minute, sometimes asking for an extension on deadlines, on everything. GRE? Rescheduled. Another house showing? Rescheduled. Halloween? Rescheduled (till next year). I just didn’t have it in me this week, but each night before bed I told myself I’d be better the next day. I wasn’t. It just kept coming. Compounding my misery each & every new morning, making the mountain feel too tall to climb.

Yet here I am, at the end of the week on a Sunday scrambling to get everything done. And guess what? I did it. Proper forms over to the lender, test rescheduled (yes, yes, I know – just do it. I WILL!), bills paid, credit card handled, stuff moved into storage, & I still have time for a couple drinks with a few old best friends.

What’s the lesson here? Well, if you can avoid fucking yourself over with procrastination, do that. If not, realize that life isn’t over because you didn’t pay your citation on time or didn’t get the laundry done today. Adapt when needed. Grow from that change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What’s Been Going On

Hey, all!

Sorry I haven’t posted in a minute. Life’s been hectic. Very hectic. Let’s recap.

After 3-4 days of work, and thankfully a ton of help from my Pops, my house went on the market. It sold in LESS THAN 24 HOURS. Insane! Official close date isn’t till December, so I have some time – however, I don’t have a next spot to live. I’m currently searching for houses, but it’s not going so well. Hopefully a gem pops up over the next couple of weeks.

As for the rest of my life? Let’s not get into that on this post. Just a bunch of nonsense anyway, but things look up for me most days. That’s progress.

Cheers to a busy life!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Much Needed Closure

Receiving a no rather than a maybe is always preferred in my book. This comes down to almost anything, minus maybe a few small things. I work in a competitive market & hear the word “no” quite often, so it doesn’t bother me. If anything, it frees me up to do other things, things actually worth my time. Tasks with potential, or in this case, working on myself.

You lot know I’ve struggled immensely over the past few months with my depression & anxiety. All of that stems from my past, but it was triggered most recently by a breakup. Breakups are never easy – this is the second one I’ve been on the wrong side of, & to be quite honest, I’m terrible at reacclimating my life once a split happens. It’s something I need to work on, & it all starts with that one saying you hear from EVERYBODY: You need to love yourself.

Well, I’ve had issues loving myself for about 15 years now. Some days I adore myself, most days I can’t stand the sight of myself. Now, this is just over the past… seven months, so hopefully I manage to swap those percentages down the road. I mean, that’s why I started this blog – an outlet, somewhere I can place my thoughts, & as I write, I work through my issues. It’s really been a great tool for me, & if you’re just a reader I highly advise you to start your own blog for an outlet. It’s much better than a personal journal.

Closure. I finally received it from my ex. I was told I never stand a chance of getting back with her due to my mental health & how I treat people close to me when I’m struggling. I can’t blame her. She’s right. I treated her like shit. My depression, my anxiety, allowing those two things to control me really controlled everything else I did. Meaning I didn’t have control. I still don’t have control, but I’m getting better. And now with closure, I can start to move on.

Yesterday I read something I thought to be extremely helpful in times like these. “It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.” I can’t remember where I read this, I think Reddit, but it really makes a lot of sense. Now, with closure, I can stare a bit less. I know that moment is gone for me & it’s time to focus on the present & a bit on the future.

Closure is a good thing, even if it’s a bit harsh. False hope is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, & if you have the opportunity to get some closure, even if you think it’s not the answer you want to hear, do it. It will allow you to move forward.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Should Probably Write

Hey, everybody. Hope you’ve been well. Can’t remember the last time I put something up on here, so here comes another word vomit.

I’m selling my house soon. I was extremely excited about it, but now it feels like an overwhelming task. I can’t even keep a sleep schedule right now, how am I supposed to manage selling & buying a new house? My mental capacity is so very low right now, but what must be done must be done.

I also have a major test coming up in the month of November. Y’know, one of those tests that tells you if you’re smart enough to be in an MBA program. I’m a bit worried here, too, because… well, my mental capacity is extremely low. I’ve mentioned that before, haven’t I? I’m not poor at school, but I am experiencing a motivation drought. Oh how I long for the times where I’ve felt extremely positive, but those times come & go so quickly.

Managing stress is one of the most important skills you can learn throughout life. I’ve done a decent job at staying sane during these moments in my life through not expecting the world out of myself. Telling yourself that you will get this done, along with 100 other miscellaneous items, can be tasks too daunting for individuals like you & I to take head on. That’s why you must cut yourself some slack. Maybe you got 50 of those tasks done. That’s a win.

Don’t discount the work you’ve put in to get here. The reason you’re stressed is because so many things in your life are changing & guess what, most likely you’re the one creating that change. That’s a good thing. You can’t have a journey without multiple stops. Nothing is seamless.

What the fuck am I writing?

Anyway, just keep after it. Day after day, things will hopefully slow down for you like I hope they slow down for me. Who knows, maybe things will pick up even more – but I’m positioning myself to handle that. I hope you are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.