Broken Promise

Hi, everybody.

First, let me say I don’t know if I ever promised to stop writing daily. I said I wanted to. Things change (as I’ve mentioned in 25-50 blog posts here) and I decided to take some time right now to jot down some thoughts.

Mornings are long, nights are short.

My dogs are a blessing and a curse.

I want more freedom.

I would like to travel to Las Vegas for the Bud Crawford fight on November 20th but money will stop me from going.

Each day feels the same.

I’m missing that special someone in my life and I’m worried that I’ve broken too far apart from that side of me, leaving me alone for the rest of my life due to my failure to open up and be myself. I mean, it’s scary to tell people exactly who you are or how you act – more of what you’re capable of than anything else, really. It’s scary to others.

I box this Sunday. I’m kind of excited for it, kind of not. This was a rushed matchup so I don’t know what I’m getting myself into here.

I wish my mind was more creative. Like, a lot more creative.

Graphic design is something I wish I could create the patience for.

I am thinking about a lot more right now than I even thought.

My investments are doing well for once. That’s cool.

I need a new job. This one will do for now but man, I am bored.

I think that covers my thoughts for right now. I know you lot didn’t ask for them. What are you thinking about today? What’s taking the most mental real estate in your life right at this moment?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Relationships

Hi, everybody.

I really hope you’re doing well today. I am. I hope you are, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships–and not just those with a significant other, but I’ll focus on that specific situation here.

Recently I have spent quite a bit of time with what some would call a “significant other” or someone I’m in a relationship with, but I don’t believe we identify with that label. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding everything around me. But we have talked about it and decided that dating isn’t a good idea right now–but is that truthful from both ends?

So now it’s about trying to understand or unearth what we do not know. Whatever’s going on inside that other person’s noggin. It’s a scary venture and I’m here to tell you one thing: DON’T DO IT.

It’s not your job to know what the other person is thinking. It is on you to treat someone with respect and dignity, but it is in no way, shape, or form your job to express another person’s feelings for them.

Am I just telling myself this so I don’t feel like a dick? Yes and no.

I’ve made this mistake many of times before and I hope I’m not making yet another mistake here. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the conversation, I enjoy the other stuff. Maybe one day it will evolve into something else, but right now I’m happy with what’s in front of me. I’m happy with what I’m doing right now with this situation.

So, yeah. Understanding relationships is kind of your job, I guess that’s my point here. It’s your job to understand where you’re at in the relationship and it’s your job to be respectful of the person you are with.

Sounds easy, right? Ha.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Celebrating Others

Hi, everybody!

Gooooood morning!

It actually is a good morning. Last night I had a great time with a friend and we followed it up with a drive through a torrential downpour. It was pretty awesome. Downtown is flooded but… it still looked and felt pretty dang cool. (I hope everyone is alright downtown, of course.)

But last night at dinner I found some trouble within myself. I noticed I wasn’t truly embracing and relishing in my friend’s recent successes. Instead, I was thinking if I did anything about as cool/even better. What kind of dick thinks that way?

A lot of us do. And a lot of us need to change that. It all comes down to being an active listener. That whole idea of listening to listen, not to respond. You don’t always have to have something to say back—sometimes a nod is better than breaking off into your own tangent.

Think about it, though. If you give others your undivided attention and just purely listen, there’s a good chance they notice that and do the same for you when you want to share successes or even failures.

Become an active listener. I have said it since my last breakup and I am still working on it daily. I think it’s something we should all work on. Don’t you?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

F Today

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

They’re Back

Hi, everybody.

Here we go again, another blog to vent to you lot. My apologies. After this damn streak hits 100, I am going to move to a blog post a week. All with real substance to them, too. Well, hopefully. You lot know how my mind works at this point–it’s kind of all over the place.

Welp, my significant other arrived back in the country today. They have no clue where my mind has been at the past month but I do plan on breaking it off with the individual. It’s scary because they’re so integrated into my life and, well, I hate doing this type of stuff. It hurts to hurt someone.

But I have to remind myself of the positives here. I’m 1) stopping any false hope 2) ending things before they escalate 3) I’m setting someone free from someone like me.

The last one sounds harsh, but I’ll be honest with you lot as I usually am–I’m still in no condition to be in a relationship. I’m angry, irritable, selfish, and worst of all, I shut down.

The person deserves more than me. I deserve more of myself and learning more about myself so I can better love who I am as a person. But this time I’ve learned a lesson. At least I hope so. Impulse is almost never a good feeling to follow, and that’s just what I did here. I mention overthinking a lot, but sometimes it’s necessary. Life isn’t always about throwing shit at a wall and hoping it sticks. Sometimes it takes a deep dive into your own damn soul to figure out what’s going on with you.

I’m still trying to figure that out. Hopefully therapy tomorrow helps.

I am fearful of what’s to come but ready to accept any consequences of my actions here. I must remain aware of that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Much Room for Activities

Hi, everybody!

It’s been a busy, busy day (what else is new?). It’s been a FANTASTIC day so far. What happened? Well, good 5-6 rounds of sparring, some tennis with my Pops, and finished off with some more bag rounds (mainly working on my inside game–uppercuts and hooks). In just a bit, I’ll be heading to play volleyball. Safe to say I should sleep just fine tonight.

So all the external stuff is going well for me today, now it’s time to check in mentally. I advise you to do the same. The day might feel like it’s going well, but maybe you aren’t dealing with some demons. Maybe I’m not dealing with some demons. But it’s time to figure that out for ourselves.

Time to dig deep. Give me one moment.

I still fear the potential conversation I will have to have with my significant other when they return. Maybe that’s why I’ve kept myself so busy today (shit, I’ve only eaten a banana today, too). Maybe I’m hiding. Hopefully this writing is bringing me out of my shell. Well, it is. I’m already working though this issue in my head, through this writing. Am I any better off? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s like I always say, the important part is being aware. Understanding not just what’s around you, but what’s going on inside you, too.

Remember that. Even if the day is feeling great, make sure to take a deep breath and really check in with yourself. Same thing goes for when you’re feeling shitty. Awareness is key. Now let’s get back to the physical demands of the day, eh?!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Complicated Problem (To Me)

Hi, everybody!

Well, I’m back. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that or not. I am back home. And booooy does it feel good. Doggos are being doggos, running around like crazy, begging for food and walks. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But I have a problem.

Since my significant other has been gone, I’ve noticed I don’t share the connection I thought I had with them. Things scare me about the relationship, mainly age and where we’re at in life. We’ve went through completely different lives. I’m at a loss. They have been away and when they’re back, I may have to break it off. I’m beat up about this. But I shouldn’t be, should I? At least I’ve realized this. I can’t break up with them while they’re in another country, obviously, that’s heartbreaking. But I do want to have a talk to them in-person. I want to let them know I’m not happy with how things are now that we’re dating.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I do this every single time. I jump into something and realize I’ve fucked up about two weeks in. It’s terrible.

So what do I do? Well, maybe my feelings will change after the next week. Maybe they’ll change before they gets back. Hell, it has been a long month and this week has really put a dent in my mental stamina. But maybe it won’t. Maybe my feelings won’t change.

And what about this pattern I have? What do I do about that?

Usually when I write… I get to solutions for myself. This time that’s not the case. I guess I’ll have to keep digging deeper, try to understand what I’m feeling a bit more, and hopefully receive some advice from friends… if I have the balls to mention this.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Thoughts

Hi, everybody!

Each and every day we have here is different. There’s times when everything feels like a replay, but really, every single day is different.

We tell ourselves “no” often. Why? We hate hearing no from others.

I would like to move out of my hometown.

When’s the moment I stop thinking about certain people? How can I get closer to that moment in time?

I constantly need to remind myself about gratitude. Typing out that last sentence reminded me this time.

So what the hell was this? Airport thoughts, really. Maybe I need to start bringing my phone in the shower and typing out shower thoughts. That would be… interesting.

Welp, I’m off to Texas. Flight boards in just a few minutes. I’m gonna miss my pups! And the boxing gym. But I’ll be back Thursday. That’s a short, short trip. I should be fine, right? I will be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Day

Hi, everybody.

Happy Pop’s Day to all you wonderful fathers out there. You are appreciated, very appreciated.

Right now I’m in my parent’s living room. Typing here on my phone. I don’t have much to say—I’m just grateful. I’m grateful to have such a wonderful family and a Pops that’s always supported me.

My Pops never told me who to be. He let me be me, even if I was shitting the bed there for a bit. My Pops never tried to influence how I thought. He knew I understood right v. wrong, it just took me a bit to put that knowledge into action.

I feel like my Pops has always had trust in me. And that means the world to me. He’s the best damn man on this planet, he really is. I’m grateful to have him. I am grateful to spend part of this day with him.

I hope you get a chance to hug or high-five your Pops today. If you don’t have a father, please forgive me. To all those celebrating, enjoy your day. Show gratitude.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Birthday

Hi, everybody!

Today is a special day. The man himself, Pops, turned ## today!

We golfed this morning. Relaxing. Had a couple of arguments but we’re past those already.

If you have family, keep them close, even if you tend to get on each other’s nerves every so often. Family is important. You’re important.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Oh also, Pops, if you’re reading this—I love you and appreciate you. Thank you for being there for me every second of my life. – Bud