A Mother’s Day Post

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waiting at Vet

Hi, everybody.

Title is pretty self-explanatory. I’m at the vet. Both dogs getting juiced up with their yearly shots so I decided to write to you lot. Hopefully they’re drowsy the rest of the day, right? I could use a break from their energy.

So what’s on the agenda today? BOXING! And fixing up a boxing club that’s been in the community for 43 years. It’s a tremendous place run by one of the best men you could possibly meet. He’s run this club for FORTY THREE years. And it’s all been free for inner city kids to come box and compete out of there. You hear that? 43 years of service to community. All to help, not for money. Pretty damn cool.

Combat sports are cool. The community is even cooler. You would think we’re all jerks who want to beat everyone up, but it’s quite the opposite. Now put us in a ring with someone and yeah, we want to beat that person up. But I’ve never seen a more helpful and inclusive community than the boxing community here where I live.

I’m excited to go down there and paint some more, bullshit with the coaches, and give my boxers hell for messing up on the trim.

Today’s another busy day, but another good busy day. I’m excited for today. I hope you are, too. If you aren’t, think about volunteering some of your time. It’s never a wasteful act.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Overslept (For A Reason)

Hi, everyone!

Today I slept till 8:30 AM CT. Why? Because I’m fucking exhausted, that’s why. Did I push it a bit with work and my 9 AM meeting? Kind of, but karma was on my side. That meeting was pushed back to 10 AM.

Why did I oversleep? I mentioned it: Exhaustion. But I’ve spoken about this before: It’s a good exhaustion. It comes from hard work through my passion, which if you don’t know by now is boxing. Multi-mile runs, plenty of bag rounds, sparring, and sprinkle in some coaching…. boy, does it tire you out. I have no clue how my head coach has done it for so many years, but one day I hope to be like him.

As always, I don’t have too much to type today. It’s a relatively relaxed day for me. Work till about 4 PM, hit the gym for an hour, and sneak a mile run in sometime during the day. Then it’s date night! (I still need to figure out how to get out of this “relationship” as my buddy calls it. I’ve been clear about it NOT being a relationship with the woman, but I don’t think that message firmly sits in her head. I gotta figure this out.)

OK! What a weird blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick But Sad (Maybe?) Thoughts

Hi, everybody!

I’ll make this quick. As I mentioned yesterday in my post (oh my gosh, you didn’t read it, did you? Don’t worry, I got you), I put in my two weeks at a company I’ve worked for over the past three years.

One thing I didn’t notice? Well, a lot of people care about me in this company. I’ve had such nice words come my way over these past 24 hours. It’s been really great. Also has me a bit in my feels. But you know what this tells me? I know I’m a good person, and it looks like others know it, too. Feels kinda good, not gonna lie. Especially with how much I’ve told myself that I’m shit over this past year.

I really do hope I’m able to hold on to some of these relationships as I move forward, but we all know how that ends up turning out. Luckily we have LinkedIn, IG, Twitter, texts, etc., to stay in touch. Shouldn’t be tough, right? It still is.

Anyway, not really sad thoughts after I’ve typed it out. Again, this is what’s wonderful about writing. You learn about yourself and work through struggles, naturally.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Mystery Boxes

Hi, everyone.

If you’ve been reading my blog for some time, you’ll know 1 – I got out of a relationship a year ago, 2 – I sold my house that had everything of hers in it, 3 – I bought a new house.

Doesn’t sound crazy. Nothing unique. Ordinary shit, I know. But today I realized how difficult it really is to separate from someone fully, even if you haven’t talked to them in months. I mean, maybe it isn’t even possible. Yet to find out. Example? I went through my last boxes to unpack in the basement this morning. Two letters from her. Saw the handwriting, saw the name, ripped them up. Shoved them deep into a trash can and now I’m hoping I don’t think about those letters today.

Welp, I failed but I at least made it about 30 minutes till failure. Look what I’m writing about. The letters. Shit.

Maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about this. This is a natural progression into a new life, a new me, a new everything. It’s exciting going at it alone (well, not entirely alone, I do have a wonderful support system–get one, they’re helpful). But today I’m proud of one thing: I didn’t lose my damn mind over this. Instead, I disposed of the letters and moved on to the next box. A few months back? I would have stopped right there. Went to my bed. Laid down. Got a bit high. Try to fall asleep. Try to forget.

Now? Well, here I am, writing to you about it. I call that growth. If your read my post from… yesterday? Well, we could call this ordinary courage. Have you made small progressions you haven’t yet noticed? I bet you have. I didn’t notice this till it slapped me in my face. Go ahead, take a look in the mirror. I bet you’re better today than you were yesterday, and if not, you’re on your way. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be up reading this. You’d be in the fetal position in your bed, wondering what the fuck to do next. I’ve been there. A lot of individuals have been there. Keep motherfuckin’ pushing. It’s worth it. I promise. I wouldn’t be telling you this shit every single post if I didn’t believe it to be true myself. You. Can. Do. This. Shit.

And if you’re in the fetal position in your bed while reading this, please know that we’re here for you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Freak Yourself Out

If you read my last post (here, you lazy but loveable pile of shit) you know I broke up with a short-term girlfriend last night.

Man, did she surprise me. Not only was she accepting that my mental health holds me back from being 100% committed right now, but she also offered help moving forward. She didn’t cling. She didn’t fight. She just listened.

People surprise us. I found myself more welled up with tears than she was, but coming to terms with your own ‘right here, right now‘ deficiencies can really get to ya.

What’s the lesson here? I don’t really know. Don’t freak yourself out because you need to be honest due to the importance of your own self care?

Yeah, let’s go with that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rushing Into Things

I have a habit of this.

I have many habits (as many addicts do). Most of my habits are bad, too. One habit? Jumping into things way too early.

I have to break up with a really nice woman later tonight. Currently I’m eating tacos & downing tequila because I really, really dislike this interaction in life. There’s nothing satisfying from it. Yes, you get to let that person go. You get to move on. Yet, the tears, the disappointment, everything that comes tumbling down – it hurts. Both sides.

I’m regretting my decision of jumping into this, rushing into this, but part of me doesn’t hold that regret. Over the past few weeks, I’ve made a tremendous connection with someone. We’ve shared laughs, hugs, kisses, ideas, & much more. I really hope we can remain friends. You never know what’ll happen down the road. Right now, I need my time. I need to love myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Much Needed Closure

Receiving a no rather than a maybe is always preferred in my book. This comes down to almost anything, minus maybe a few small things. I work in a competitive market & hear the word “no” quite often, so it doesn’t bother me. If anything, it frees me up to do other things, things actually worth my time. Tasks with potential, or in this case, working on myself.

You lot know I’ve struggled immensely over the past few months with my depression & anxiety. All of that stems from my past, but it was triggered most recently by a breakup. Breakups are never easy – this is the second one I’ve been on the wrong side of, & to be quite honest, I’m terrible at reacclimating my life once a split happens. It’s something I need to work on, & it all starts with that one saying you hear from EVERYBODY: You need to love yourself.

Well, I’ve had issues loving myself for about 15 years now. Some days I adore myself, most days I can’t stand the sight of myself. Now, this is just over the past… seven months, so hopefully I manage to swap those percentages down the road. I mean, that’s why I started this blog – an outlet, somewhere I can place my thoughts, & as I write, I work through my issues. It’s really been a great tool for me, & if you’re just a reader I highly advise you to start your own blog for an outlet. It’s much better than a personal journal.

Closure. I finally received it from my ex. I was told I never stand a chance of getting back with her due to my mental health & how I treat people close to me when I’m struggling. I can’t blame her. She’s right. I treated her like shit. My depression, my anxiety, allowing those two things to control me really controlled everything else I did. Meaning I didn’t have control. I still don’t have control, but I’m getting better. And now with closure, I can start to move on.

Yesterday I read something I thought to be extremely helpful in times like these. “It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.” I can’t remember where I read this, I think Reddit, but it really makes a lot of sense. Now, with closure, I can stare a bit less. I know that moment is gone for me & it’s time to focus on the present & a bit on the future.

Closure is a good thing, even if it’s a bit harsh. False hope is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, & if you have the opportunity to get some closure, even if you think it’s not the answer you want to hear, do it. It will allow you to move forward.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Shaky Writing

Today I sit here 27 pounds slimmer than a month or so ago. Not on purpose, I mean… I wasn’t in bad shape prior to the breakup & new medication. I’m a 6’3″ guy that weighed about 196. Today I clocked in at 169. It wasn’t a good feeling.

Don’t tell me to eat like I haven’t already tried that. I do try to eat. For some reason, my appetite is suppressed & no matter what I do, I don’t work up any supplemental appetite throughout the day.

People have told me I still look good. I look healthy. All that jazz. I mean, I’m back around my fighting weight. I don’t feel good like I did when I was fighting around this weight. I feel like a skeleton, brittle & shaky. It’s difficult to focus on this screen & the movements my fingers are trying to make. Eyes blur constantly. My hands, from wrists to fingertips, are substantially uneasy. I’m not nervous, I just have nothing left in my body. It’s starting to show not only on my body, but in my body, too.

I went to the gym today to try & box, one of my many ways of release/therapy. I hit the bag for about 20-30 seconds & boom! Lightheadedness, breathing difficulties, heart moving at an unrecognizable pace. I stopped. I knew I didn’t have any gas in my body – I mean, I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. YES, I’M TRYING TO EAT. Ask one more time.

I have a bag of Chipotle in front of me. It’s been in front of me for 30 minutes. I waited 15 minutes to pick up that Chipotle. I should eat it, right? I mean, Chipotle isn’t super duper cheap.

Maybe I’ll eat it later. I should eat it right now. Maybe I’ll eat it later. I should eat it right now. I’ll eat it later.

Every day it’s that. It’s that type of thought that blocks me from eating. I can’t figure it out. I really can’t. Also, when I do have an appetite? Well, it’s still not very helpful. My stomach is the size of an ant right now & it shows when I try to eat – especially while out. I took THREE to-go boxes a couple nights ago. I’m usually the type of person that can order two meals & walk it off fine. It really is a drastic change for me – one I hope to figure out how to reverse sooner rather than later.

So what are my options here? I ask myself this every day. I’ve tried expanding what I eat to things like morning power shakes, more eggs, anything fatty. I’ve tried the extremely healthy route with dairy-free yogurt, bananas, & plenty more fruit. I’ve intersected the two routes & still… no luck.

I’m hoping in writing this before I try to eat Chipotle will help me this time. That’s literally why I’m writing this post. Seriously, I just laughed out loud writing that because holy shit, that’s pathetic. But if it helps, it helps. Who gives a shit.

If you have any tips for someone recently struggling with working up an appetite, loser major weight, & struggling to focus day-to-day due to it – please advise. I’ll take any tips on how to get back on the right track.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Update: Finished half of the Chipotle bowl. I will finish it… in like 30 minutes. Right now I have to work on keeping it down.