Cast Aside

Hi, everybody.

I lost another person in my life. Not to death, don’t worry about that, but a relationship I’ve been in and out of over the past three years blocked me to heal. She felt that our open communication wasn’t allowing either of us to heal – and I somewhat agree, but I’m left heavily confused and at a loss for self worth.

What blows my mind is how healing means throwing someone completely away. No possible future communication – all memories just that, memories. Nothing more. And most are in the process of being deleted out of my devices and hopefully out of my memory.

I’m self destructing as usual. I wanted to blog today because I thought it would help me feel better. Instead, I see a recurring situation here. I’m always moaning. I’m always talking about how much I suck, how small I am, and how much value I find in myself. That sucks. I don’t have much more time to figure all of this out. Each night I lie down in bed and hope to fall asleep without hitting an existential crisis and overwhelming thoughts of mortality. It doesn’t happen often. And when it does, it’s because I’ve stayed up with distractions that do nothing to better my life just so my mind is dead enough to just turn the fuck off.

I don’t get why I never feel good enough. To myself. To others. To family. To friends. To even my dog. It’s weird, and I know it all starts with loving myself. Understanding myself. All of that jazz. The stuff I talk about sometimes on here. But sometimes that shit feels unachievable. Each time I love myself, someone tells me a reason they don’t love me – and that builds and builds in my mind. At what point do I completely shut myself out from people? I feel it’s coming close. I find distractions just to keep going. I find distractions to keep breathing. I find distractions to cast aside who I am, who I need to be, and if I’ll ever be enough to myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lots of Uncertainty

Hi, everybody.

I tried writing this blog a few days ago. It had a different title. “I Need To Write This Blog” – I’m glad we have a new topic to discuss, because to be honest, I had NOTHING that day. Woulda been just a bunch of mamma-jamma.

So let’s discuss uncertainty. That sounds fun, doesn’t it? I’m not on the verge of tears, I promise. I’m not typing extra fast because I’m getting more and more angry with each and every single word I’m typing here. HOLD. Take a breath. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. There’s still a whole day ahead of you. A whole day.

But that’s a whole day filled with uncertainty. Sure, there’s stuff on the schedule, but how will you feel? That’s always the question for me. I know I have coaching, I know I have work, I know I have computer shit to do – doesn’t mean I know what the hell is going on. Life is filled with uncertainty unless we’re strapped with the right level of awareness. And as I’m typing this, my thoughts are beginning to slow, my typing beginning to become less violent, and my body a bit more fatigued.

Control is something we all struggle with. Too much, too little. Whatever it is, it’s never good enough. And the funny thing about control? It’s not something you can usually control!

Control integrates well with uncertainty. If you don’t know how your mind will cope with emotional struggle, you don’t know how well you will be able to control yourselves in times of stress. It’s so very important – and oh so difficult to balance.

But here we are, a bit all over the place as usual. I write from the heart, nowhere else. I talk to you, not write. That’s the best way of putting it. And I’m certain that I’m not talking to enough people. I’m not feeling like I’m connected with a damn thing. And I’m uncertain at how sustainable that is long term. No, not thoughts of BS, but I do worry about my overall well-being in the sense of not beating the shit out of myself every other freakin’ day. It would be nice to give myself a break from myself. I’m certain of that.

I wonder how many times I typed out a variation of the word certain. I’m not going to go back and check. I never edit these things. If there’s one thing I have control over, some certainty with, it’s my impulsivity. Phew, what a rollercoaster of a blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Need To Write

Hello, everybody. Good morning.

I put a reminder in my phone last night to blog, but on Thursday. I couldn’t wait. I don’t have much to say, but I’m sure that will change as I continue to type this out.

I’m currently at the dog park. This is my routine now: Wake up at 5, work out, dog park, work, work out/coach, stay up far too late, and repeat. It’s not sustainable, but I’m somewhat enjoying it.

My main problem right now are my relationships with people. Family, friends, potential romances. I’m shut down and closed off from it. I’m not finding joy in people or myself, and it worries me.

So what can I do about that? Not quite sure. Started with this — and I have my monthly therapy session on Friday. Things usually turn around, but I’d love some stability with my happiness. I know it’s on me, but I promise I’m trying. It’s just not easy. Never let anyone take that validation away from you. You feel how you feel – and only you know how strong that grip is around you. No one else.

I think I’ll start by continuing my routine, and maybe I step outside my comfort zone and ask a woman to dinner this week. Maybe I go grab a drink with a friend. But hopefully? Hopefully I find happiness within myself. And I hope the same for you, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Random All-Nighter

Well, shit. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 AM on the dot. I have to work out in about an hour and a half. For some reason, my eyes won’t shut. I’ve done everything under the sun (while not under the sun) and I can’t get tired.

I did just get back from a trip visiting a buddy. I heard some rough news (shouldn’t have been rough) when I was there and I’ve been thinking about it since. But I don’t want to discuss it. I just, I don’t know what to fucking do about my thoughts anymore. I don’t know how to get rid of the depression at times. I have no clue how to battle the shit in me that’s keeping me up right now. I don’t even know what it is.

And sometimes I tell you lot I know what the fuck is going on. Not true. Maybe true. I don’t know anymore. I need sleep. Bad. But soon I’ll be in a pool, swimming. Why? No clue. I’m struggling to figure out my “why” recently, and that’s a big issue for me to have. Whenever that’s occurring, I know something is wrong. But what? What the shit this time?

Hopefully check back in soon. Let’s try to make it through this glorious Monday together, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

2022 – So What?

Hi, everybody!

The title reads in a negative light. It isn’t supposed to. My bad.

Tomorrow we start 2022! To be completely honest, I’m not at all a “NEW YEAR, NEW ME” type of person, but I am proud of what I’ve accomplished this year. And I’m proud of the ones around me. Grateful, too.

This year had its ups and downs, that’s for sure. But if we were to sum it all up, I think the ups outweigh the downs. And that’s what we want, right?

This year has been about awareness for me. Truly the first year I’ve really focused in on it – and boy am I glad I did so. I’m aware of how I feel so much more often now and CAN STOP myself from doing horrible things and/or saying terrible things.

I’ve also grown professionally and grown physically. Mentally I’ve grown. All year – growth!

Have you checked in with yourself in a bit? You should. I bet you surprise yourself with all the awesome stuff you did this year (and no, it doesn’t have to be a trip to Jamaica or some shit).

Good luck in 2022. Thanks for tagging along with me on these blog posts. I appreciate you all pushing me to write more and more. It helps.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Not Nearly as Consistent

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know. Last time I blogged I told you lot that I’m back, I’d write more, yada yada. Well, you know life. Shit happens. And it hasn’t been bad shit, I’ve just been busy getting my life back in order after those blips I mentioned in my last blog post.

It’s been hectic getting everything back together in my life. Dog passed unexpectedly, gf broke up with me due to my mental health (again), totaled my car (my fault, yikes), my boxing match didn’t happen because my opponent found himself in jail… and I’m sure there was more.

I’m not here to bitch. I”m here to be grateful and share what I’m excited about.

I’m grateful for my Pops. Without him, I would be drowning in even more depression and even more debt. He’s truly a special individual. I love him with all my heart – even though I fail to showcase it at times.

I’m grateful for my best friend. He knows who he is. He’s brought me outta the mud so many times and with our new NFT venture, it’s really given me another outlet to “distract” myself with. No, I don’t think distracting yourself is good but I don’t mean it that way. I just can’t seem to come up with another word. I guess “hobby” fits. Anyway, if you’re reading this, thank you.

I’m grateful for the communities I’m in, the people around me, my boxers who made a custom hat which says “Coach {{lastname}}”. I’m grateful for so fucking much. I should get that tattooed on the back of my hand or somewhere VERY noticeable. Just to remind myself. I am grateful for so. fucking. much.

I hope to write more. I’m not pushing pressure on myself to do so anymore. I’ll write when I feel like writing. Don’t worry, I still love you lot. And I’m still here. If you comment, I’ll see it. I’ll respond. I’ll be here to chat with you. But I’m done imprisoning myself in thinking “I need to do this, I need to do that”. It’s not healthy.

I’m excited for so many things. I started an amazing new job and it provides so much opportunity. Opportunity to finally look at my life-long goal of owning a free to the public boxing gym as something achievable.

But it’s not about the job. It’s about my state of mind nowadays. I’ve changed. Yeah, I’m still conquered at times by my mental health struggles, but I understand limits and understand my potential. I’m much more aware than I’ve ever been, in and outside the ring.

Enough about me. I hope you’re doing fuckin’ fantastic. If not, hit me up. Let’s chat about it.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Losing My Best Friend

Hi, everybody.

Last week, on Thursday, I lost my best friend of 11 years. Her name was Bella and she was a beautiful dog with an even more beautiful soul. Here’s what I wrote from one of my posts yesterday and I wanted to make sure to put it right here on my blog. I might even upload some photos, who knows. I don’t feel like typing more stuff out right now because it saddens me, but I would love to recount everything about Bella one day. One day real soon.

This whole thing tore me apart. It really did. Bella experienced a rapid health decline due to unknown cancer in her body. But if there’s one thing I learned from my very best friend, it’s this: You can keep going, no matter how shitty you feel. Bella brought me through beating drug addiction, battling depression and anxiety, bad relationships, and so much more. Every time I looked at her she would reassure me to keep going. She loved me no matter which side of the bed I woke up on—and man, am I forever grateful for her.

Bella also spent quite a bit of time with many close friends in my life and left a positive impact on them, too. She was truly special.

Bella loved to: 1. play fetch, 2. play more fetch, 3. butt rubs, 4. chase squirrels (damn them), 5. swim, run, anything exciting, 6) eat anything, including trash, 7) be there for me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever capture a relationship quite like I had with Bella. I don’t believe I want another relationship like the one I had with her. Nothing can replace her and that makes me happy. Genuinely happy. She lived an extremely healthy life and sadly cancer came to end it short (and abruptly).

I love you so much, Bella. I hope wherever you are they are topping your food with raw salmon, feeding you eggs, and continuously throwing the tennis ball for you. Heck, I hope they have a Chuck-It! for you. You loved those.

I’ll miss my best friend but Bella was also a best friend to my other dog, Louie. He is adjusting quite well—probably gets his strength from ol’ Bella girl. I’ll miss you, Bella. Gone too soon. You’ll never be forgotten.

Thank you for everything, Bella. You were one of a kind. A true best friend. Family.

Bella Girl | 05/26/2010 – 11/04/21

The Last Few Days

Hi, everybody.

It’s not often anymore that I write to you in the morning but here we are. The past week took me for a ride – let’s go through that.

Wednesday of last week I took a new job. A job I consider to be “life-changing” if I do it right. I was very happy. I even wrote a tiny blog on it.

Wednesday night, my 11-year old dog starts to look sick, lethargic, whatever. Bad.

Thursday morning I bring her to the vet. No good news. Rapid decline in health. Needs to be put down by end of the day.

I had that dog at the age of 19. She got me through EVERYTHING over the past 11 years. It was my turn to help her out by making sure she didn’t spend a single day on this planet being miserable or in poor health. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right decision to make. I’ll miss her always and forever, but just like my brother she will live on with me. She made me such a better human being without every saying a word.

I chose to box on Saturday and compete in the event I was scheduled to compete in. Coach and I drove a couple hours to the venue – I had just lost about 5 lbs because I put on some weight after my dog passed. I needed to weigh in at 168 so I made sure to chew gum and spit throughout the whole drive to the venue. Came in at 168.6 – just good enough. Phew. Hell of a week but still made weight.

Coach and I head out to grab some food. When we come back, I notice my name isn’t on the bout sheet. I asked what’s up? Why not?

The guy I was supposed to box found himself in jail the morning of the fight. Go figure. Shit. I was really looking forward to punching someone after the week I had.

Want to know the craziest shit? I’m actually doing OK now. My family supported me, my friends supported me, and all of my past adversities supported me here. We really do get stronger if we choose to get stronger. I know this blog is always a mess and this post proves it, but as always, thank you for letting me talk to you–it’s always nice to vent.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Need to Get It Out of My System

Hi, everybody.

Today will be short. I plan to write a rather long blog post about this topic but I really just needed to type something out today. Call it therapeutic.

Wednesday night my older dog (11) started acting funny. Lethargic, not right. I took her to the vet the next morning and by 4 PM yesterday, she was put down. She meant the world to me. She brought me through addiction, multiple breakups… I mean, so so much. I will miss her. And I will make sure she’s remembered.

I love you lot. I hope you’re holding your loved ones close and your furry friends just as close.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Update: CO Trip

Hi, everybody.

I meant to write this yesterday but I was just a bit too tired. The girlfriend and I spent the weekend in Golden, CO and not to sound corny… but it was an absolutely golden trip.

Yeah, corny.

Anyway, it was a trip filled with no plans. We knew we wanted to hike. Where? We figured we would find that out when we were there. We did and it was an absolutely gorgeous (and tiring) hike.

We didn’t have food plans but we never had a bad meal. If anything, our lack of knowledge going into some restaurants surprised us in a good way.

I learned this trip that not everything needs to be in a routine. Sometimes it’s necessary to be impulsive and just choose what you want to do in that moment while you’re in that moment. You can worry about the consequences later (most of the time).

I enjoyed my trip. The girlfriend enjoyed it, too. Now it’s back to the daily grind but guess what? I’m recharged. Self care matters, people. Make friends with it.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.