Don’t Freak Yourself Out

If you read my last post (here, you lazy but loveable pile of shit) you know I broke up with a short-term girlfriend last night.

Man, did she surprise me. Not only was she accepting that my mental health holds me back from being 100% committed right now, but she also offered help moving forward. She didn’t cling. She didn’t fight. She just listened.

People surprise us. I found myself more welled up with tears than she was, but coming to terms with your own ‘right here, right now‘ deficiencies can really get to ya.

What’s the lesson here? I don’t really know. Don’t freak yourself out because you need to be honest due to the importance of your own self care?

Yeah, let’s go with that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rushing Into Things

I have a habit of this.

I have many habits (as many addicts do). Most of my habits are bad, too. One habit? Jumping into things way too early.

I have to break up with a really nice woman later tonight. Currently I’m eating tacos & downing tequila because I really, really dislike this interaction in life. There’s nothing satisfying from it. Yes, you get to let that person go. You get to move on. Yet, the tears, the disappointment, everything that comes tumbling down – it hurts. Both sides.

I’m regretting my decision of jumping into this, rushing into this, but part of me doesn’t hold that regret. Over the past few weeks, I’ve made a tremendous connection with someone. We’ve shared laughs, hugs, kisses, ideas, & much more. I really hope we can remain friends. You never know what’ll happen down the road. Right now, I need my time. I need to love myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Much Needed Closure

Receiving a no rather than a maybe is always preferred in my book. This comes down to almost anything, minus maybe a few small things. I work in a competitive market & hear the word “no” quite often, so it doesn’t bother me. If anything, it frees me up to do other things, things actually worth my time. Tasks with potential, or in this case, working on myself.

You lot know I’ve struggled immensely over the past few months with my depression & anxiety. All of that stems from my past, but it was triggered most recently by a breakup. Breakups are never easy – this is the second one I’ve been on the wrong side of, & to be quite honest, I’m terrible at reacclimating my life once a split happens. It’s something I need to work on, & it all starts with that one saying you hear from EVERYBODY: You need to love yourself.

Well, I’ve had issues loving myself for about 15 years now. Some days I adore myself, most days I can’t stand the sight of myself. Now, this is just over the past… seven months, so hopefully I manage to swap those percentages down the road. I mean, that’s why I started this blog – an outlet, somewhere I can place my thoughts, & as I write, I work through my issues. It’s really been a great tool for me, & if you’re just a reader I highly advise you to start your own blog for an outlet. It’s much better than a personal journal.

Closure. I finally received it from my ex. I was told I never stand a chance of getting back with her due to my mental health & how I treat people close to me when I’m struggling. I can’t blame her. She’s right. I treated her like shit. My depression, my anxiety, allowing those two things to control me really controlled everything else I did. Meaning I didn’t have control. I still don’t have control, but I’m getting better. And now with closure, I can start to move on.

Yesterday I read something I thought to be extremely helpful in times like these. “It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.” I can’t remember where I read this, I think Reddit, but it really makes a lot of sense. Now, with closure, I can stare a bit less. I know that moment is gone for me & it’s time to focus on the present & a bit on the future.

Closure is a good thing, even if it’s a bit harsh. False hope is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, & if you have the opportunity to get some closure, even if you think it’s not the answer you want to hear, do it. It will allow you to move forward.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Shaky Writing

Today I sit here 27 pounds slimmer than a month or so ago. Not on purpose, I mean… I wasn’t in bad shape prior to the breakup & new medication. I’m a 6’3″ guy that weighed about 196. Today I clocked in at 169. It wasn’t a good feeling.

Don’t tell me to eat like I haven’t already tried that. I do try to eat. For some reason, my appetite is suppressed & no matter what I do, I don’t work up any supplemental appetite throughout the day.

People have told me I still look good. I look healthy. All that jazz. I mean, I’m back around my fighting weight. I don’t feel good like I did when I was fighting around this weight. I feel like a skeleton, brittle & shaky. It’s difficult to focus on this screen & the movements my fingers are trying to make. Eyes blur constantly. My hands, from wrists to fingertips, are substantially uneasy. I’m not nervous, I just have nothing left in my body. It’s starting to show not only on my body, but in my body, too.

I went to the gym today to try & box, one of my many ways of release/therapy. I hit the bag for about 20-30 seconds & boom! Lightheadedness, breathing difficulties, heart moving at an unrecognizable pace. I stopped. I knew I didn’t have any gas in my body – I mean, I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. YES, I’M TRYING TO EAT. Ask one more time.

I have a bag of Chipotle in front of me. It’s been in front of me for 30 minutes. I waited 15 minutes to pick up that Chipotle. I should eat it, right? I mean, Chipotle isn’t super duper cheap.

Maybe I’ll eat it later. I should eat it right now. Maybe I’ll eat it later. I should eat it right now. I’ll eat it later.

Every day it’s that. It’s that type of thought that blocks me from eating. I can’t figure it out. I really can’t. Also, when I do have an appetite? Well, it’s still not very helpful. My stomach is the size of an ant right now & it shows when I try to eat – especially while out. I took THREE to-go boxes a couple nights ago. I’m usually the type of person that can order two meals & walk it off fine. It really is a drastic change for me – one I hope to figure out how to reverse sooner rather than later.

So what are my options here? I ask myself this every day. I’ve tried expanding what I eat to things like morning power shakes, more eggs, anything fatty. I’ve tried the extremely healthy route with dairy-free yogurt, bananas, & plenty more fruit. I’ve intersected the two routes & still… no luck.

I’m hoping in writing this before I try to eat Chipotle will help me this time. That’s literally why I’m writing this post. Seriously, I just laughed out loud writing that because holy shit, that’s pathetic. But if it helps, it helps. Who gives a shit.

If you have any tips for someone recently struggling with working up an appetite, loser major weight, & struggling to focus day-to-day due to it – please advise. I’ll take any tips on how to get back on the right track.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Update: Finished half of the Chipotle bowl. I will finish it… in like 30 minutes. Right now I have to work on keeping it down.

Surprises Should Make Ya Think

Yesterday I woke up dehydrated from the previous night. No, not from booze. It was 90 degrees (all humidity) & I played an INTENSE volleyball match in which we lost.

I then proceeded to hang out with a friend &, well, I ran out of gas. I drove an hour home & laid down, chugging as much water as I possibly could. Didn’t really help. Totally forgot about the usefulness of pickle juice.

Anyway, I was freaking out last night & yesterday morning not because I was dehydrated, but because my ex was coming over to pick up some stuff & say hi to the pup. What was the biggest surprise of it all? She stayed for close to 10 hours. Boy, did we have fun.

Am I worried about the fun we had? No. Am I worried about false hope? No. Did yesterday feel normal? Yes. That’s what I’m worried about. It felt normal, which felt good. Gotta push that to the back of my mind… or do I?

Today I’ve decided the best way to push it waaaaaay back into my mind is help my Pops with some manual labor. Building a deck, to be exact. He’ll do most of the work, I guarantee it, but I’ll do what I can. Maybe that’ll keep yesterday off my mind a bit more. Or will it? Should it matter?

But sometimes I think… why fight it? I had a great time yesterday, why push that away? I think it’s the surprise aspect of it all. I just didn’t expect it. Now it’s time to either internalize it, think on it, or act on it. I think the middle option seems the smartest, wouldn’t you agree?

Each day brings surprises, some bad, some good. Always take sufficient time to think on these surprises because, well, you didn’t have time to think about them before because, well, they’re surprises. Don’t get too high. Don’t get too low. It’s so very important.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Day to Day Change

If you read my post yesterday, you’d know I was in a quite happy-go-lucky mood. I was intent on realizing the life-changing opportunities and/or possibilities for me now & in the future.

Well, things change. They change day to day, as the title reads, but they also change minute to minute, sometimes in even shorter spans than that.

What spurred this change? Well, my emotional instability is a key factor in all of this, but let’s run the tape back to later in the evening of last night and earlier today.

Last night I had a conversation with that new possible companion I wrote about a few posts back that really changed everything for us moving forward. We didn’t click like we were clicking. There was anger for no apparent reason, and surprisingly not from my side. However, she is at a bachelorette party this weekend & drinking quite heavily, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we just don’t mesh. Sucks, but yeah. That’s the conclusion of that.

Earlier today, I of course was texting my ex. Earlier in the week we chatted over the phone & she asked a peculiar question, “Have you been seeing anyone?” I of course replied with a kinda, sorta, maybe answer – because that’s the honest truth. I spoke in my last post of letting go of the love and desire I have to be with my ex, but it’s extremely difficult to think of ever creating a connection even close to that again in my lifetime.

Well, going back to the question she asked earlier in the week, she ended up explaining why she asked it. First, she wanted to know if I was screwing anyone. Then she wanted to, at some point, tell me she’s been casually seeing someone. It took quite a bit to get her away from hinting at it & changing that to just telling me the harsh truth. I mean, she’s trying to move on. I get it, I do. Does that make it better? No.

It’s really hard to stomach. It really is. I have to go to a family friend’s house this evening for a dinner & I don’t know how I’ll behave. I’m frightened to be around anyone right now. Hell, I can’t even handle trying to give my dog’s attention right now. To top it off, I have to golf with those same family friends tomorrow morning, so I won’t be staying at my residence this evening. I’ll be in someone else’s bed with these thoughts. I always struggle with that.

Every single day, something changes. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s the exact opposite. Also, sometimes it feels like death. At least that’s what today feels like for me.

I hope you’re having a better day than me. You might be have a worse day than me & if so, I hope you get through it. I hope I get through this. I hope we all get through the struggles we’re faced with in this day to day, always changing life we lead.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Unsolicited Text From the Ex

I’m writing this because I need help. Not from you, but from writing itself.

My ex, out of the blue, texted me this morning. I didn’t think she’d text me. I also didn’t think it would impact me if she did. I mean, I was having a great week & great morning. I was already on my way to the gym, which is one of my many ways of therapy, and I thought I’d hit the heavy bag till I couldn’t think about that text anymore.

I was wrong. It’s the only thing that’s been on my mind today, and it wasn’t even a good text. She just misses the dog. I’ve been having a fantastic week – I mean, if you read my post from yesterday, you’d know. Did you? Hmm…

This text shook me. I obviously responded and kept the conversation going – that, too, was a mistake. It led to us getting on the phone & talking about what’s been going on in our lives. Oh, and of course, in classic fashion I mentioned I still love her.

Do I regret saying that? No, because it’s the truth. Do I regret looking at my phone this morning? Fuck yes. I’m hoping this post pushes me out of this way of thinking soon. I was having such a great week, there’s no way I should let this diminish that. Right? Right.

What do you people do in situations like this? Do you handle it as poorly as me? I can’t be the only one with trouble letting go. That’s really the problem: I haven’t let go. It’s not the text, it’s me.

Shit, writing really does open your eyes. Try it sometime.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Life’s Opportune Shifts

Good morning.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts (if you haven’t read my previous posts, shame on you), I’ve recently went through a split/break-up. However, I don’t think I’ve mentioned I moved to a new city about two years back. Thought buying a house was a good idea around my new place of employment. WRONG. This town sucks.

Anyway, what do those two things have in common? Well, each & every day/week/month I’m limited to the occasional hang with my one and only friend in this town, but when she’s busy, well, I just have me. That’s not always a bad thing, but if it’s always the case, that’s a bad thing. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.

Two days ago I was introduced to a woman via a mutual friend. To be honest, I was skeptical, still am. However, we haven’t stopped texting in about 48 hours and she hit me with a “What’s shakin?” this morning instead of a generic “Good morning”, kinda like what I hit you with at the start of this post. I absolutely loved waking up to that. Weird people are the best. A simple “Good morning” is great, too, but nothing beats getting a “What’s shakin?” at 7 AM CST.

You know how I also mentioned I don’t have many friends around me? Well, while walking my dogs down the block yesterday, I walked past a familiar face working on his car. After a look back, a second look back, and a third look back, we both realized we knew each other. And thankfully for good reason.

I guess he and his wife moved in about a week ago. Literally like across the street and two houses down. Nuts. I’ve played a few rec league basketball seasons with this guy & we’ve always connected on the court for a couple of reasons:

  1. We don’t put up with bullshit/crying/excuses on the court
  2. We love throwing our body weight around & possibly causing a testosterone-driven brawl in the paint

He’s a super good dude. Someone I considered a friend while we played basketball each Wednesday, losing majority of the time but hey, we had teams that wanted to beat both of us up at the end of the game & that was a big enough win for us at times. Typical men, I know.

So life’s crazy, opportune shifts. Weird, huh? I started my morning two days ago texting my father I have absolutely nothing fucking to do here in this town. Barely any friends & it’s not like I’m in the best spot to “get out there”.

Well, within 48 hours, quite a bit shifted. Who knows what will happen with this woman, but right now we’re having great conversation & supposedly a date next week. Who knows what my neighbor will be like off the basketball court, but right now I have a chance to be around somewhat of a friend & build off of that. Plus, there’s a basketball hoop up the street at the neighborhood park. Maybe we’ll start there.

I wanted to give up two days ago. I’m sure I’ll want to give up two days from now. It always shifts – that ALWAYS shifts. But sometimes you have to remember that the good shifts almost always outweigh the bad shifts. I went from crying in my bedroom at 7 AM Monday morning to setting up a date with an absolutely gorgeous woman inside-and-out (seemingly) & having a really cool dude move in across the street from me by Wednesday. Also, side note, he likes hot peppers, so I finally have someone to offload the 12,083,203 lbs of peppers I have growing in my backyard.

Life is random. You never know what’s going to happen next. I so almost went with that Forrest Gump quote, oh I was so close. You’re lucky I didn’t do it. I was hopeless two days ago. Absolutely hopeless. At least that’s how I felt. We get down on ourselves like that quite often. We shouldn’t. We do, but we shouldn’t. Why? Because if we keep going strong, if we don’t give up, we always give ourselves a shot at an opportune shift in our daily lives.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

About Last Night

What a weird, strange day yesterday was. Who knew standing in a recreational marijuana shop line could bring so much spontaneity into my life?

My buddy & I almost didn’t stop at this shop. The line was long, real long. And to be honest, we didn’t really think we “fit in” with those that stood in line. We were right, but luckily we had an angel standing behind us in line. It was really quite… different.

All we did was talk to her. Just about where we’re from, what we’re doing, and we made sure we listened to what she was doing, where she was from, too. What happened next was something you just wouldn’t expect in 2020. She invited us to her family’s beach house in Cape Cod. We quickly canceled our tee time, got our bag of goodies, and headed an hour and a half to the beach.

From there, the real beauty happened. For hours on hours, we talked. About everything from our work lives to Shamanism (wasn’t familiar with it & honestly still don’t understand it, but it seems really cool). We stood out in freezing water and took the air in. We spoke about what’s worked for our meditation. We all listened to each other intently. It really was an amazing night.

Usually there’s a lot of doom & gloom on this blog, but this goes to show you that sometimes it isn’t all doom & gloom for you. Things can just happen. We made a friend for life just by standing in a pot line. You just never know what the fuck is going to happen: good or bad. This time it was good. Better than good. I’m still trying to recount everything from last night, but part of me doesn’t want to. Why?

The reason last night was so special had everything to do with living in the moment. Being present. Being aware. It’s so very important. Nothing good would’ve came from that trip if we weren’t present. And now? It’s time to be present in this moment.

I wrote this in a café on my phone, so forgive any errors.

Ah, I’ll insert a couple photos I took. Stayed off my phone for 98% of the time but couldn’t resist snapping a few photos.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.