Morning Workouts & More

Hi, everybody.

Got a jumpstart this morning. Woke up two hours before work started to get a workout in, spend some time with the dogs, and get the right nutrition into my body.

My fight for June 12 was called off by the other coach. Bit of a bummer, a bit difficult to work up the motivation right now to keep training as hard as I have been, but I gotta keep going.

To keep going, I had to make a change. Enter morning workouts. Hopefully putting this into my routine helps with two things:

  • Better/more sleep
  • Amplify my training/rejuvenate my mind

This morning I got weighted leg and hand shadow boxing in, a few good bag rounds, and some battle ropes in. Felt good. Real good.

Sometimes when things don’t go our way, we need to make a change. I hate waking up early to workout, but I know it enhances my day. And right now I need that. I can’t digress. Neither can you. Let’s keep pushing, everybody.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Trouble Brewing

Hi, everybody.

Welp, the trip isn’t going as planned. I’m having issues sleeping, issues eating, issues being nice, and well, just everything.

I’ve turned back into an absolute jerk. Why? Can’t really pinpoint it. I think I didn’t *need* this vacation. Hell, I don’t know if I even wanted it. I miss my boxers. I miss my dogs. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I finally got back on track.

I did move my flight back up one day. Thankfully. No, this isn’t failure. This is me trying to solve the problem. Or avoid it? Who the fuck knows. I’m lonely here.

Yeah, it’s only a few day trip, but every single moment for an individual who struggles with depression and anxiety feels 25x longer than your average dude.

My nightmares returned. Sleepless nights full of sweat. I didn’t miss these.

I set a reminder to write a blog yesterday. It popped up again today and I moved it back again. Then I just decided to fucking write. I don’t think it’s doing much, but at least I’m heard here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Where Have I Been?

Hi, everybody.

You may or may not have noticed a significant drop in activity on this blog. My bad. Want the honest truth? I forgot I had this damn thing, but yesterday night it popped right back into my head.

“Siri, remind me to write a blog tomorrow at 9 AM.”
“Ok. I’ll remind you.”

And now here we are.

I’ve recovered from Covid-19–that thing is no joke. I’ve had three days back in the gym and boy, it’s tough. The lungs are shot, the fatigue is still there, but hey, at least I’m putting in the work. Remember, we’re about the fucking positives here (most of the time)! Outside of Covid-19, it’s really been the depression that’s holding me back. If you’re “aware”, that means I’m holding myself back. I know this. Doesn’t mean I can drastically change it in a heartbeat. All of this comes with time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight: not with Covid-19, not with depression. Take it moment after moment or you’ll suffocate yourself.

Let’s hope I can remember I have this website a bit more often. I don’t particularly like setting reminders because the post doesn’t feel “organic” then, but writing something is better than writing nothing.

How are you doing? Are you holding up just fine? Anything that’s halted your progress in the past couple of weeks? If so, I promise you can find a way to jumpstart that shit again. Trust yourself. You’re worth more than ya think–especially that brain of yours.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Almost Free

Hey, everyone.

Again, I don’t have much to write. I’ve been in isolation for ten days now and… well… nothing’s really happened. It’s been extremely dull. Mind numbing.

Tomorrow I’m free. It marks 11 days and as far as I can tell from the CDC, that means I’m free.

I can’t wait to box tomorrow. I cannot wait.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quarantine Boredom

Hey, everyone.

My mood’s dropped significantly over the past few days. Luckily, I’m let out of the house here in… four days. Almost there.

I’m trying to will myself to do things I need to do, or want to do, during this quarantine, but I can’t seem to muster up enough will. How do I will will? Is that a thing? Brain feels like mush.

I hope all of you are out there enjoying life and making new memories. I’ll be back out there soon enough.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Bar Thoughts

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Nothing Substantial

The title of this post tells you exactly what you’ll be reading, so don’t worry, you have time to hit the “back” button & get the hell out of here. If you stay, well, thank ya.

I’m here writing to write. I’m pretty indifferent today. Comfortable in my own skin today. It feels great. OH! I woke up at a decent time today. Granted I only got about 3.5 hours of sleep because of it, but it’s a goal I set for myself this week & I fucking did it. Go me, right?

How are you holding up? Are you pushing yourself when you’re feeling down? Are you not giving up? Are you checking in with yourself? We, the mentally ill people, need you around. There’s a chance I run into you at a bar & you have no idea I’m the one writing these blogs & I have no idea you’ve read my blogs. We could have a conversation down the road. A good conversation. One of those conversations we all live for.

I have absolutely no clue who the hell you are, but you’re doing something right in this world. Everyone is. Stick with it. I told you I’m writing to write, I don’t think a single solid thought was fleshed out in this blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Freak Yourself Out

If you read my last post (here, you lazy but loveable pile of shit) you know I broke up with a short-term girlfriend last night.

Man, did she surprise me. Not only was she accepting that my mental health holds me back from being 100% committed right now, but she also offered help moving forward. She didn’t cling. She didn’t fight. She just listened.

People surprise us. I found myself more welled up with tears than she was, but coming to terms with your own ‘right here, right now‘ deficiencies can really get to ya.

What’s the lesson here? I don’t really know. Don’t freak yourself out because you need to be honest due to the importance of your own self care?

Yeah, let’s go with that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.