Tag: mental illness

Spasms & Serenity

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Title doesn’t make much sense, does it? Yeah, I know. I think it’ll make more sense as we go along here.

It’s end of quarter. I’m at 99% to goal. I don’t know if I’ll get to 100%. I’m really angry, frustrated, and disappointed. There was probably 100 things I could’ve done differently. The stress is real and even though I’m feeling much better about myself, I can’t help but feel pressure from this scenario. It’s not all the time, but right now it is too much. I don’t want the weekend to come because I want to keep working.

We’ve really made this world healthy, haven’t we?

Work, work, hey you! Work some more.

Eat shit.

Seriously, what the hell are we doing? Every single day it’s work, then follow it up with your second job/hobby, maybe find a pocket of time to eat a sandwich, and guess what – get back to fucking work.

What have we done with this world? Don’t even get me started on the amount of times we LIE to each other in the business world. WHY? We’ve overcomplicated everything in this damn world. Everything. Basic human interaction? Nah, who wants that? That’s not convoluted enough.

Ok, sorry, got off track. Maybe it was a spasm. That’s usually what happens with my writing – I just go on a tear and have to refocus myself. What the hell were we talking about?

SERENITY! Ha. It’s funny to transition into this right after what I typed above. Borderline impossible, but I AM A BEACON OF POSITIVITY and will make sure to expand on what serenity means to me today.

I’m happy. I am. I’m content. I am. I’m not content with being content – and that’s always a positive.

But serenity is difficult. It’s not about being happy. It’s not about being successful. It’s about being at peace. One thing I’ve always struggled and one thing that is quite visibly apparent to most folks I have relationships with.

So what does it mean to me? Right now, it means “unattainable” – but I’m working on shifting my mind there to a more positive outlook. Maybe I can find myself in a state of serenity from time to time. It doesn’t have to be right now. It doesn’t have to be 24/7, but even a 5-minute pocket of serenity would do me something special.

I think I’ll work on that. Let’s just hope I don’t spaz out too much on my journey. Thanks for reading whatever the hell this blog was. Jeesh.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Focus – Ha!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Good morning. I am in a discovery clinic for work right now but I can’t keep my mind on it. I swear I’ve been in 20 of these meetings in my 6 years in sales. Can I go to sleep yet?

Focus. That’s a hard thing to grasp for a man like myself. I was recently told, “You seem like the type to have 12 things on your mind at once”. That is correct. It might be more – definitely a baker’s dozen. There’s pros and cons to it, really. It isn’t all bad. It’s nice to be able to multitask, but I would like to grab a bit of my focus back in life.

So how do I do that? Open to suggestions! It seems like the world moves at such a quick pace that it’s almost impossible to focus on one thing at a time. I’m needed here, there, and way over there somehow. At least that’s what it feels like. Maybe I need to figure out a new reality.

Interesting.

I’m in this discovery clinic and right now I’m doing a bit of discovery on myself. That’s kinda neat.

OK – I should get back to my job. I am on a video call and I’m simply nodding at the pauses. I hope the nods make sense. If not, oh well. I’ll focus on something else.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Empty Thoughts & Sweaty Palms

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Good morning. How’s the day so far for you? I’m on day… four or five of being sick. I can’t tell what it is. Weird sickness. Anyway, it’s not killing me (I think) so that’s a plus!

A few days sick can leave your brain mush. I just noticed I wrote to you lot just the other day. I’m kinda on fire with this whole writing thing. Being severely depressed and riddled with anxiety really helps the fingers move.

I’m listening to an absolute gem of a song right now. Gap in the Clouds by Yellow Days. Highly recommend. I might start leaving a song or two in my blogs that I’m listening to at the current moment. Usually the songs I listen to correspond pretty well with my mood. Music is a beautiful thing, innit?

What the hell am I even talking about? I type that pretty often. It’s true, though. I never have a plan coming in here. It’s just sit down and write, see what comes out, hit publish. It’s freeing, man is it so freeing.

Oh! The title. Empty Thoughts & Sweaty Palms. Umm, let’s explain that. I am not thinking about too much and I have sweaty palms. Ok, we’re past that now.

Hmm, what else can I bore you with? Maybe I should get back to my day and you get back to your day. Maybe. Or maybe this is part of the day? What the hell am I even talking about?

As you can probably tell, my mood’s shifted since I last wrote. I don’t really know why, and it’ll probably change back to gray, but right now I have some colors in my life. I’m going to keep my focus on those colors and hopefully amplify them throughout the day.

What the hell am I even talking about? Really odd blog today. Next one will be better, maybe!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sick

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s exactly what it sounds like BUT MORE! I am sick, under the weather, have a cold, whatever you wanna call it. Worst thing about it? Yesterday I received even more bad news from someone I truly and deeply care about and today I’m stuck in bed thinking about that nonstop instead of chucking my fists at a heavy bag (or a real person) to clear my mind.

I don’t have much to write today. I just typed in “tw” to get to Twitter (further distraction) and it auto-populated to bring me here. I figured that was a sign I should at least say something.

I’m not OK. I’m physically sick and that will pass. I’m mentally sick and I’m not so sure about that one. I mean just yesterday I had an anxiety attack I couldn’t shake for two hours.

We’re supposed to have control of ourselves, right? How the shit do we do that? People make it sound so easy. It’s not. I hope it’s easy for you, but for me it is not easy. Never has been and I know it sounds defeatist, but I don’t think it will ever get easier.

I’m stuck with who I am. I need to accept that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Confusion in Colorado

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

My buddy and I are about to drive back from a short trip to Colorado. Denver to be exact. I had quite a bit of fun – and one day I was slightly angry – and the entire time I felt confusion.

We arrived on Friday night, had a fantastic dinner (I ordered two entrees and even had Banana Cream pie, which I’ve never had before due to my gluten intolerance – everything was gluten free!). It was a great night. My type of way to start a vacation – a treat yourself type of meal.

Saturday kinda sucked. I get it, my buddy is big into snowboarding, but he went to the mountain (after I said sure, go) and he was gone for the entire day. No car for me, no one around, just lots to think about. I went to some bars and hit up a dispensary. It could have been worse.

Sunday was the best day. I got to meet a friend from online that I’ve known for roughly a year – great guy. Played volleyball, went to a Denver Nuggets game that went into overtime against the Clippers. More amazing food. Just everything I enjoy during a vacation minus the weather.

But the whole time, I’ve been thinking about that one person. She called me the night before I left. We spoke for six hours. I put her in my phone as “Do Not Call” after she called me. She said we weren’t going to talk again. I keep getting texts.

I’m lost. However it’s different this time for me. I don’t feel scared. I’m just ready for whatever to happen. It’s kinda freeing in a sense.

Time to get on the road back home!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Urge

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently eating breakfast but my computer is open. I just had a thought as I was eating “meh” eggs and amazing bacon. I feel different today. That’s it. I feel different. In a good way. And I just had this urge to pop in here and write to you lot that each day is different, each day we can be something, and each day we do have power inside ourselves — we just have to find it.

That’s all I had today. I have to get back to the breakfast before these eggs get even more “meh”. Also I have a 4-hour work training in like 20 minutes. Thankfully I feel different today.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lacking Color

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Not going to say much today. Just using this as a way to get some shit off my chest. Yesterday I had flowers delivered to an ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what I thought would come from it, but it’s not hurting as bad as I thought not receiving a message back from her. I think I can find closure through this… super odd thing to do. It was probably dumb. I don’t know. I’m so fucking lost.

I’m losing purpose in my everyday life. Each day again feels the same, gray, distant. Each day feels like there’s something crucial slipping away. Each day I feel like I’m wasting. Everything is gray.

I go into the office more to get away from my own thoughts, but here I am in the office only thinking of my thoughts. What an odd sentence. But I can’t help it – my focus isn’t there. I’ve tried changing up my routine, how I’m treating myself, and a few other aspects of my life, but I keep finding myself worse off than before.

And I very well could be bitching about absolutely nothing. Who knows what’s valid to complain about nowadays. Who knows what to do when you struggle with depression and anxiety every single damn day. You just take it on the chin and move on. That’s it. You tell everyone you’re okay. It’s better that way.

Everything is gray. And I have nothing left to say.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Many Screens

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Screens, am I right? Going to be the death of all mankind’s rest. Right when I’m about to put the computer down, I remember I have this to do. After that, I’m oh-so-ready to put down my computer. Nope, forgot to respond to that email. Wait – I think I’m good now. Kidding! I need to file that expense before I forget…

Where does it end? We spend so much of our lives living through things: our job, our roles in society, our overall responsibilities. How often do we live through ourselves? Does that make sense?

I can’t remember the last dog walk I went on where my mind was quiet. Where I didn’t think of the million and one things I feel like I must accomplish on a daily basis. But each day, do I get closer to anything I truly want? What is it that I want? Will I figure that out on my next dog walk or will I think about my 10:30 meeting with that one client who always, always thinks I’m the problem. Pssh.

I don’t think it will end. If anything, I think our world is destined for even more distraction from what’s really us. But if you think about it, doesn’t that change end up changing the definition of what’s really us? Man, life is crazy to think about. And to think, we’re only here for a smidge of time and we’re only worth a smidge while we’re here.

But that smidge can mean something. Smidge smidge smidge. OK, got that word out of my system.

You know, without screens I wouldn’t be typing to you here. I’ve made quite a few mistakes today – I probably did something that I’ll end up regretting for at least a year (no, no one got hurt and no one will get hurt… besides my emotions maybe – I’m just chasing love like an idiot). But typing to you here made me feel a smidge better (SHIT, I DIDN’T GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM AND I LIED TO YOU!) about it all. So screens can stay, for now. I’m still on path to move out of my state at the end of the year – and I really want to make that a reality. I just don’t know how and I’m too timid to make a certain move. Best I’ve done is asked for the basics of “Is this even possible given my current financial situation?” and thrown out a couple small pieces of furniture.

You tell yourself it’ll work itself out – sure, that’s true for some things. But not this. Not finally moving away from my home state 30+ years later. I have to make it happen. But no pressure.

Wow, we went into a few things here. Sorry if there’s no general theme. Off the cuff, like normal. Overuse of punctuations… per usual.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Day Off

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Nothing major today. I started it off with a 3 mile run average just a bit over 6 minutes per mile! Happy about that. Went for a bit of cryotherapy. Just finished some breakfast tacos. Oh, I don’t work today. I probably should’ve started with that.

Up next? A dog walk and a joint. I like where this day is going. (PS – Not advising or endorsing the use of cannabis, it is entirely a “to each their own” situation for me – be safe!)

WHAT ELSE?

Well, I only had to use 30 minutes of my hour time slot with my therapist. Does that mean I’m improving?

That made me laugh. Speed running through therapy. That’s elite level mental health.

Anyway, I don’t have much today as you probably realized. You’re probably slapping yourself for taking time to read this. Well, it’s too late now. I can’t help you.

But I do appreciate you. I appreciate this outlet. Thank you for stopping in to read my blogs – you are a key part to my mental health journey whether we know each other or not. It would suck to write to no one, wouldn’t it?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reciprocal Value

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Hope you’re having a smashing morning. No, I’m not British – just wanted to use smashing in a sentence.

Let’s talk a bit about reciprocal value. I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently, specifically within my relationships. I’ve boiled it down to roughly 10 folks that provide what I believe is the most crucial element of a relationship: reciprocal value.

So what do I mean by that? These friends owe me stuff because I’ve put effort and care into some of their problems/issues? No. I’m saying it’s a blue table friendship, not a red table. Both parties are receiving benefit out of the relationship, which may not be visible to the naked eye, but both can feel it. I have 2-3 friends that excel at this and put me to shame, but man am I grateful for those people.

Without reciprocal value, you’re either just giving yourself away or taking from someone. If you start to find someone distancing themselves from you, ask yourself if you’ve put as much effort into the relationship as they have. Ask yourself the tough questions. Because when you ask those questions of yourself, you’re able to build rock solid relationships that can last through anything. And that’s what life is about, right? I think it is.

Our time here is valuable, no matter what you believe happens after we fail to exist here. In 100 years no one will know that you made that extra effort, but right here, right now, in the moment that matters, you will know – and so will the individual you care about. Be present. Be there. And most importantly, be yourself.

Huh. A blog with a bit of substance. That’s a nice change, right?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.