35

Hi, everybody.

Today’s an odd day. A good day but a sad day. 9/9/86 – My brother’s birthday. He passed at the age of 9, so quite some time ago. Today he would have turned 35. I spoke to him at his grave, “I wish I could have you as a friend.”

It hit home. I do miss my brother, or at least the “idea” of him. I was only 4, turning 5 in a few days when he passed away. I didn’t know him that well, no one did, he was only 9 when he passed. But from what my parents tell me, he was one bright light in this world.

A few times a year I do think about him – not as often as one might think. He passed in 1996, so I’ve had my time for closure and repair. However, I do think about what it would be like to have that constant contact. Have a brother there for me and me there for him. I think it’s a large reason as to why I try to mentor others and coach others – I want to be there for someone. I wish my brother could be here for me and vice versa, but that’s now how life works. Life works the way it wants to work, and it’s silly to be mad about it.

I think about what my brother would think about me. I know that “doesn’t matter” according to literally every self-help book out there, but that’s their damn opinion. I’m curious. I want to know what he would think of me, how much we would get along, how close we would be. But I don’t have that chance and neither does he. That’s OK. That’s what this world laid out for us and that’s what we have to cope with, learn from, and move through.

What the hell am I talking about now? I think my emotions are taking control here. I do miss him. Quite a bit. But I still have family, a mother and father, that mean the world to me. Today is about making sure they’re OK, not me. And I hope I do a good job at that. As for what my brother would think about me? What our relationship would be like? I know it would be good. I know he would care for me and I would care for him. Why am I asking such dumb questions, eh?

I love you, my brother. I hope to see you again.

pause

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

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