A Mother’s Day Post

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Breaking Exhaustion

Hi, everybody.

Good morning. I’m still trying to wake up and it’s 10:30 AM already. I’m through one cup of cold brew but nothing seems to be picking my energy levels up.

Food? Well, I had some yogurt and some fruit. I think I’ve nourished my body plenty so far today.

Really it comes down to getting myself to go to bed at a decent time. Even with my mental health somewhat in control nowadays, I still have an issue falling asleep any time prior to 2 AM. I’d really love that to change. Do any of my readers have any advice?

I don’t know why I stay up so late. Am I dreading the next day? Is my anxiety beating me up? Is my depression crippling me? Am I just not tired? I must be tired. I work all day, I box at night, coach at night, and talk with one of my buddies for a good portion of the night, too. It’s not like I’m doing nothing. I’m very busy, so my exhaustion comes from that. But it could be helped by going to sleep at a decent fuckin’ time. I need to figure this out at some point in my life. Waking up early in the morning to work out after a solid night of sleep sounds lovely.

I’m going to try to sleep a bit earlier tonight. I’m going to shoot for 1 AM. That’s an hour difference, an hour of improvement, and an hour to change.

This is one of the few times I’ve written and not really came up with a solution. So, my friends, please feel free to comment with what helps you wind down at night. We can all help each other, ya know?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Hell of a Day

Hi, everybody.

I have to make this quick. Also, I can’t really look at the screen while I type. I’m actually in the middle of a meeting. This meeting is from 9 AM – 5 PM over the next two weeks, so I’ll give myself a break for a quick blog today. Don’t feel too bad about it.

Let’s talk about yesterday real quick. Hell of a day. Did I tell you lot that I got my female boxer matched up? I think I did yesterday. I might fight on the same card. Who really knows right now.

Also, my dogs busted their heads through my living room windows during a meeting with my VP of Sales at this company. Super awesome. Glass everywhere. Dogs were fine. I freaked out. Yelled. Felt guilt after my dogs looked scared. Apologized. Gave treats. Retreated.

Then I reached out with anger but my support system (Pops) noticed I was reaching out with frustration and stress. He let me go to the gym to get some boxing in while he came over and fixed up my patch job. He told me he’ll have the windows fixed my Saturday. The man is a miracle worker. I’d be lost without him, honestly – well, for the most part. At least with household chores.

I really do need to start paying more attention to this “Boot Camp” (orientation) for work. I’m glad I took the chance to write to you lot. Have a fantastic day. OH! And if you’re graduating soon, congratulations!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pushing On

Hi, everybody!

Hope your morning is off to a great start. Mine is, now I await my 9 AM “Boot Camp” for my new job. Not pumped. It’s very repetitive.

I did have a slight meltdown yesterday. I had some issues with my mental health provider and their front desk. No, I wasn’t being a Karen, I promise. But I wasn’t happy. I almost fired my Psych & Therapist, but luckily they somewhat talked me out of it.

But this goes to show you that no matter how great you’re feeling, that lil’ bastard in the shape of depression, anxiety, or both can appear any time they feel it’s necessary.

Yes, I know we do have control. But I don’t believe we do all the time.

I fought through. Talked to the right people in my support system. Made sure to take care of myself through the sport of Boxing. Hell, I even got headshots done in the evening.

I pushed on, through, whatever you want to call it. I was aware and not at ease — now I’m aware and at ease. It’s a nice feeling. But more growth is necessary. And inevitable.

Push on, people.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What Day is Today?

Hi, everybody.

I feel like I’m still waking up. Hold up – let me take a sip of my coffee before I begin this bloggerooski.

OK, that was really good. Very good coffee. Dunkin’ Donuts really does not get the credit they deserve. Starbucks? Pfft. Scooters? Pfft. I do like Peet’s, though. A lot.

OK, what the hell are we talking about today? I guess the title leads me to how jumbled my mind is this morning. Also, my body is sore. As I’ve mentioned before, whenever I’m stressed it’s always beneficial for me to write. Is it beneficial for you to read what I write? Well, when you look at this blog and this blog alone, no. BUT maybe check out some of my past stuff. There’s quite a bit to choose from.

But really, what day is it?
Don’t worry. I know it is Tuesday.
Feels like a Wednesday. What does that even mean?

Told ya today the mind is jumbled. I think I just tried writing a haiku and failed on every level. Like, it’s not even close. I forget what makes up a haiku. It’s the structure of the poem, syllables, words, etc. if I remember correctly, but I’m not Googling it till after I publish this.

I swear I’m in a great mood today. Let’s just say my writing could use a little work. I need some ideas! I’m tired of talking about myself each and every time. If you have any ideas on where I could take this blog next, please let me know in the comments.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

EDIT: OK, I googled it:
hai·ku
1. Japanese poem of seventeen syllables, in three lines of five, seven, and five, traditionally evoking images of the natural world.
– A poem in English written in the form of a haiku.

Yep, I got the lines of three thing right. That’s about it.

Tired Hands

Hi, everybody.

You didn’t think I was stopping at 7 days, did ya? I don’t know how long I’ll keep the streak going but my goal was 7 days and I hit it. WOO. Let’s keep this train chuggin’.

OK, moving on. My hands are legitimately tired. Typing right now is actually creaky/painful to a certain extent. Early arthritis in the hands–could use a hand massage every day (they are so lovely). But I’m not talking about our physical hands here. I’m talking about our mental grasp of things: what we’re able to do to help others when we’re rested compared to when unrested.

There’s a massive difference. Today I know I need to limit how much I give to others and to myself. I woke up with bags under the eyes, creaky hands (I mentioned that already), sore neck, shoulders, and one tired, tired mind. I need to recharge. I need to bring myself through that mental massage so my body, and more importantly my mind, is restored back to where it needs to be.

But sometimes life doesn’t give us a second to take our breath. That’s when we have to force our minds to prioritize our health over everything else. Right now I should be working, but I know where my head is at. I know I’ll be a more effective worker once I rehabilitate my mind for the day. Let’s start there.

Notice when you have tired hands. Take a step back. Breathe. Listen to your body. Listen to your mind. And as Richard Miller says, become “aware and at ease”, and progress.

I have no fucking clue if any of this made sense.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Teamwork

Hi, everybody!

Four days in a row. No big deal.

I’m very happy today. The boxing team is really coming together. More and more of my actual boxers are coming in for multiple trainings a week and I’m loving it. We are now up to… nine boxers! That’s nine people we are getting ready to fight in the Summer months. It’s exciting. Really exciting. Also, they’ve done a tremendous job embracing the team atmosphere in such an individual sport. People think boxing is all about the boxer, but it is really a team sport. You don’t get better without solid teammates and coaches in training.

I’ve also experienced great teamwork in my first week at the new job. My boss commended me for helping the team out with my English degree (editing our email cadences and making them… much, much better). I reached out to the COO and started a conversation with him. He’s happy to have me on his team.

I just really love the idea of team. It’s so very important in life to surround yourself with a team. A team could be your support group. A team could be as simple as your family. As simple as a couple of your friends. But having a team pushes you to be better. Pushes you to check in on yourself. Pushes you to care for others, which in turn helps you care for yourself.

Become part of a team. You won’t regret it.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Overextension

Hi, everybody!

Hope everyone is doing great today. I am. Had six fantastic sparring rounds with an old boxing mate from years back. He’s a bit heavier but still quick with his hands.

Let’s talk about today’s topic: Overextension. What do I mean by that? Well, if you look at my life, you’ll see it as a glaringly obvious weakness of mine. The amount I double-book myself is unreal. The amount of times “yes” comes out of my mouth is far too many.

My very best friend told me that givers will always give and takers will always take, so if you’re a giver, make sure to learn to say no. I’m working on that now. Hopefully writing it into existence helps that effort.

Learn to say no, even if you think you do have the time. Sometimes you need to recharge. I know I do.

But I have to train the boxers tomorrow and go on a hike. So… maybe start this whole “me time” thing next week?

We’ll see.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Trouble Brewing

Hi, everybody.

Welp, the trip isn’t going as planned. I’m having issues sleeping, issues eating, issues being nice, and well, just everything.

I’ve turned back into an absolute jerk. Why? Can’t really pinpoint it. I think I didn’t *need* this vacation. Hell, I don’t know if I even wanted it. I miss my boxers. I miss my dogs. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I finally got back on track.

I did move my flight back up one day. Thankfully. No, this isn’t failure. This is me trying to solve the problem. Or avoid it? Who the fuck knows. I’m lonely here.

Yeah, it’s only a few day trip, but every single moment for an individual who struggles with depression and anxiety feels 25x longer than your average dude.

My nightmares returned. Sleepless nights full of sweat. I didn’t miss these.

I set a reminder to write a blog yesterday. It popped up again today and I moved it back again. Then I just decided to fucking write. I don’t think it’s doing much, but at least I’m heard here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.