Tag: family

Losing My Raw Side

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Where I’m At

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I literally typed out that “Hi, everybody.” then took a meeting for 40 minutes so I need to readjust. What was I going to write about?

OK, I think I know. Understanding where I’m at, right? Bit ironic how this all worked out but I’m talking about a different understanding. An understanding of how I’m feeling emotionally at almost all times and how I’m now able to somewhat control that. By “control that”, I mean not feel terrible about feeling sad, mad, or confused. Not being overly anxious when I’m happy or rushed.

Having more control over the self. It’s important, and something I’ve been working on for this past year. I’m finally starting to see changes. I think even the people I’m close with can see the changes. I’m not lashing out nearly as much, if any. I’m controlling frustrations. I’m maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Things are looking up. And you know what? It’s all because I decided to take charge. I decided to take action with my mental health. And you can, too.

Remember to use those people around you that want to help. It’s not a handout, as my best friend says, it’s simply someone trying to help. You are no charity case, don’t you dare ever believe that. You are you. Strong. Determined. Fucking ready for anything.

And you know that, too. Because you understand more of the self.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A New World (Overstated)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I had a reminder set to blog today AND I met with my therapist today, so naturally I’m here. Writing to you. But what about?

Probably about my therapy session. Maybe some other stuff. Let’s see where we go.

I’ve been struggling with mortality recently. I believe it’s from the death of one of my pups, but it’s really been keeping me up at night. I mean, there’s a chance I lose everyone around me before I go. That would absolutely suck. And come to think of it, it’s a selfish way of thinking.

But it still sucks. I don’t want to lose those close to me. And I’ve been struggling with that. That’s all I have on that topic.

Other than that, my life is mainly… screens and boxing. Work (screens), NFTs (screens), blogging (screens), and boxing.

I could use less screens, but I’m quite enjoying the boxing aspect. I’m looking to FINALLY fight pro in April. Exciting, yeah? That’s another thing. I’m excited on a consistent basis now – and shit that feels good. I don’t mean to brag, really. I hope you’re on the way up, too. And if you find yourself crashing down like I do at times, remember that climb up.

I think I’m done. I don’t have much to write about anymore, really. But I try. I don’t want to give up on this blog and I want to keep writing in my life. So I’ll keep throwing random shit here just to get stuff off my mind. Thank you for taking the time to read.

I wish you the best. Try not the beat the shit out of yourself.

Not Nearly as Consistent

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know. Last time I blogged I told you lot that I’m back, I’d write more, yada yada. Well, you know life. Shit happens. And it hasn’t been bad shit, I’ve just been busy getting my life back in order after those blips I mentioned in my last blog post.

It’s been hectic getting everything back together in my life. Dog passed unexpectedly, gf broke up with me due to my mental health (again), totaled my car (my fault, yikes), my boxing match didn’t happen because my opponent found himself in jail… and I’m sure there was more.

I’m not here to bitch. I”m here to be grateful and share what I’m excited about.

I’m grateful for my Pops. Without him, I would be drowning in even more depression and even more debt. He’s truly a special individual. I love him with all my heart – even though I fail to showcase it at times.

I’m grateful for my best friend. He knows who he is. He’s brought me outta the mud so many times and with our new NFT venture, it’s really given me another outlet to “distract” myself with. No, I don’t think distracting yourself is good but I don’t mean it that way. I just can’t seem to come up with another word. I guess “hobby” fits. Anyway, if you’re reading this, thank you.

I’m grateful for the communities I’m in, the people around me, my boxers who made a custom hat which says “Coach {{lastname}}”. I’m grateful for so fucking much. I should get that tattooed on the back of my hand or somewhere VERY noticeable. Just to remind myself. I am grateful for so. fucking. much.

I hope to write more. I’m not pushing pressure on myself to do so anymore. I’ll write when I feel like writing. Don’t worry, I still love you lot. And I’m still here. If you comment, I’ll see it. I’ll respond. I’ll be here to chat with you. But I’m done imprisoning myself in thinking “I need to do this, I need to do that”. It’s not healthy.

I’m excited for so many things. I started an amazing new job and it provides so much opportunity. Opportunity to finally look at my life-long goal of owning a free to the public boxing gym as something achievable.

But it’s not about the job. It’s about my state of mind nowadays. I’ve changed. Yeah, I’m still conquered at times by my mental health struggles, but I understand limits and understand my potential. I’m much more aware than I’ve ever been, in and outside the ring.

Enough about me. I hope you’re doing fuckin’ fantastic. If not, hit me up. Let’s chat about it.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

35

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Today’s an odd day. A good day but a sad day. 9/9/86 – My brother’s birthday. He passed at the age of 9, so quite some time ago. Today he would have turned 35. I spoke to him at his grave, “I wish I could have you as a friend.”

It hit home. I do miss my brother, or at least the “idea” of him. I was only 4, turning 5 in a few days when he passed away. I didn’t know him that well, no one did, he was only 9 when he passed. But from what my parents tell me, he was one bright light in this world.

A few times a year I do think about him – not as often as one might think. He passed in 1996, so I’ve had my time for closure and repair. However, I do think about what it would be like to have that constant contact. Have a brother there for me and me there for him. I think it’s a large reason as to why I try to mentor others and coach others – I want to be there for someone. I wish my brother could be here for me and vice versa, but that’s now how life works. Life works the way it wants to work, and it’s silly to be mad about it.

I think about what my brother would think about me. I know that “doesn’t matter” according to literally every self-help book out there, but that’s their damn opinion. I’m curious. I want to know what he would think of me, how much we would get along, how close we would be. But I don’t have that chance and neither does he. That’s OK. That’s what this world laid out for us and that’s what we have to cope with, learn from, and move through.

What the hell am I talking about now? I think my emotions are taking control here. I do miss him. Quite a bit. But I still have family, a mother and father, that mean the world to me. Today is about making sure they’re OK, not me. And I hope I do a good job at that. As for what my brother would think about me? What our relationship would be like? I know it would be good. I know he would care for me and I would care for him. Why am I asking such dumb questions, eh?

I love you, my brother. I hope to see you again.

pause

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Happy Pop’s Day to all you wonderful fathers out there. You are appreciated, very appreciated.

Right now I’m in my parent’s living room. Typing here on my phone. I don’t have much to say—I’m just grateful. I’m grateful to have such a wonderful family and a Pops that’s always supported me.

My Pops never told me who to be. He let me be me, even if I was shitting the bed there for a bit. My Pops never tried to influence how I thought. He knew I understood right v. wrong, it just took me a bit to put that knowledge into action.

I feel like my Pops has always had trust in me. And that means the world to me. He’s the best damn man on this planet, he really is. I’m grateful to have him. I am grateful to spend part of this day with him.

I hope you get a chance to hug or high-five your Pops today. If you don’t have a father, please forgive me. To all those celebrating, enjoy your day. Show gratitude.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Birthday

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Today is a special day. The man himself, Pops, turned ## today!

We golfed this morning. Relaxing. Had a couple of arguments but we’re past those already.

If you have family, keep them close, even if you tend to get on each other’s nerves every so often. Family is important. You’re important.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Oh also, Pops, if you’re reading this—I love you and appreciate you. Thank you for being there for me every second of my life. – Bud

Sneaking It In

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Good evening, everybody!

Not often do I write to you lot this late. It’s past 10 PM where I’m at right now. Almost broke the streak, phew. Thankfully I have nothing better to do than think about tomorrow and not sleep for the next… three hours? That sounds about right.

Honestly it’s been a great day. Family and friends came by for a relaxing grill out. Good morning workout. Dogs relaxed. Neighbors friendly. I might be making NFTs and I don’t even know what they really are. I mean it was a pretty damn good day.

But I’ve been thinking… I don’t want to keep updating you lot on my day. I need a mission here. I need a purpose to this blog outside of myself. Yes, this helps me. Writing to you helps me, but that’s selfish. I don’t want it to be like that.

So what am I good at? Talking? Kinda. Coaching? I think so. Life advice? Who the hell wants that. Dog photos? Can’t do that, might be able to pin my identity then. Humor? I’m not that funny.

Till I figure out what to do next with this blog, you’ll keep reading what my professors used to call “word vomiting”. I’m not even thinking when I’m writing to you. Just typing. Little fingers going pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter – ok, sorry, that turned into a little game for me. Wanted to see how quickly I could type “pitter patter” over and over again till I messed up. Let’s try it again.

Pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patterp FUCK. That was fun, though.

Are you lost?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Goal Met

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody!

Writing from my phone today. You’ll never guess. I’m busy again today.

WordPress does this thing which notifies you when you’re on a blog post streak. I set out a month ago to knock out 30 in 30 days, and just yesterday I was notified from my last post that I did in fact achieve that goal.

So I guess I’m done here. Thanks for reading.

…

…

I’m kidding (you could probably tell). There’s less pressure on me from myself to write now, but I think I’ve built a good habit of making sure I get something down on this site.

I need to come up with a list of topics moving forward. I still just sit down and start typing. Let’s see… what would be good to go over? Let’s try gratitude.

Today I’m grateful for many things: Friendships, family, steady job, boxing (my passion), coaching (having an issue here but still grateful), the food in my fridge, the water in my outdated water cooler, MY DOGS, really so so much. My life is pretty dang cool. So is your life. Please remember that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Mother’s Day Post

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.