35

Hi, everybody.

Today’s an odd day. A good day but a sad day. 9/9/86 – My brother’s birthday. He passed at the age of 9, so quite some time ago. Today he would have turned 35. I spoke to him at his grave, “I wish I could have you as a friend.”

It hit home. I do miss my brother, or at least the “idea” of him. I was only 4, turning 5 in a few days when he passed away. I didn’t know him that well, no one did, he was only 9 when he passed. But from what my parents tell me, he was one bright light in this world.

A few times a year I do think about him – not as often as one might think. He passed in 1996, so I’ve had my time for closure and repair. However, I do think about what it would be like to have that constant contact. Have a brother there for me and me there for him. I think it’s a large reason as to why I try to mentor others and coach others – I want to be there for someone. I wish my brother could be here for me and vice versa, but that’s now how life works. Life works the way it wants to work, and it’s silly to be mad about it.

I think about what my brother would think about me. I know that “doesn’t matter” according to literally every self-help book out there, but that’s their damn opinion. I’m curious. I want to know what he would think of me, how much we would get along, how close we would be. But I don’t have that chance and neither does he. That’s OK. That’s what this world laid out for us and that’s what we have to cope with, learn from, and move through.

What the hell am I talking about now? I think my emotions are taking control here. I do miss him. Quite a bit. But I still have family, a mother and father, that mean the world to me. Today is about making sure they’re OK, not me. And I hope I do a good job at that. As for what my brother would think about me? What our relationship would be like? I know it would be good. I know he would care for me and I would care for him. Why am I asking such dumb questions, eh?

I love you, my brother. I hope to see you again.

pause

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Day

Hi, everybody.

Happy Pop’s Day to all you wonderful fathers out there. You are appreciated, very appreciated.

Right now I’m in my parent’s living room. Typing here on my phone. I don’t have much to say—I’m just grateful. I’m grateful to have such a wonderful family and a Pops that’s always supported me.

My Pops never told me who to be. He let me be me, even if I was shitting the bed there for a bit. My Pops never tried to influence how I thought. He knew I understood right v. wrong, it just took me a bit to put that knowledge into action.

I feel like my Pops has always had trust in me. And that means the world to me. He’s the best damn man on this planet, he really is. I’m grateful to have him. I am grateful to spend part of this day with him.

I hope you get a chance to hug or high-five your Pops today. If you don’t have a father, please forgive me. To all those celebrating, enjoy your day. Show gratitude.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Birthday

Hi, everybody!

Today is a special day. The man himself, Pops, turned ## today!

We golfed this morning. Relaxing. Had a couple of arguments but we’re past those already.

If you have family, keep them close, even if you tend to get on each other’s nerves every so often. Family is important. You’re important.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Oh also, Pops, if you’re reading this—I love you and appreciate you. Thank you for being there for me every second of my life. – Bud

Sneaking It In

Good evening, everybody!

Not often do I write to you lot this late. It’s past 10 PM where I’m at right now. Almost broke the streak, phew. Thankfully I have nothing better to do than think about tomorrow and not sleep for the next… three hours? That sounds about right.

Honestly it’s been a great day. Family and friends came by for a relaxing grill out. Good morning workout. Dogs relaxed. Neighbors friendly. I might be making NFTs and I don’t even know what they really are. I mean it was a pretty damn good day.

But I’ve been thinking… I don’t want to keep updating you lot on my day. I need a mission here. I need a purpose to this blog outside of myself. Yes, this helps me. Writing to you helps me, but that’s selfish. I don’t want it to be like that.

So what am I good at? Talking? Kinda. Coaching? I think so. Life advice? Who the hell wants that. Dog photos? Can’t do that, might be able to pin my identity then. Humor? I’m not that funny.

Till I figure out what to do next with this blog, you’ll keep reading what my professors used to call “word vomiting”. I’m not even thinking when I’m writing to you. Just typing. Little fingers going pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter – ok, sorry, that turned into a little game for me. Wanted to see how quickly I could type “pitter patter” over and over again till I messed up. Let’s try it again.

Pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patterp FUCK. That was fun, though.

Are you lost?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Goal Met

Hi, everybody!

Writing from my phone today. You’ll never guess. I’m busy again today.

WordPress does this thing which notifies you when you’re on a blog post streak. I set out a month ago to knock out 30 in 30 days, and just yesterday I was notified from my last post that I did in fact achieve that goal.

So I guess I’m done here. Thanks for reading.

I’m kidding (you could probably tell). There’s less pressure on me from myself to write now, but I think I’ve built a good habit of making sure I get something down on this site.

I need to come up with a list of topics moving forward. I still just sit down and start typing. Let’s see… what would be good to go over? Let’s try gratitude.

Today I’m grateful for many things: Friendships, family, steady job, boxing (my passion), coaching (having an issue here but still grateful), the food in my fridge, the water in my outdated water cooler, MY DOGS, really so so much. My life is pretty dang cool. So is your life. Please remember that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Mother’s Day Post

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Hell of a Day

Hi, everybody.

I have to make this quick. Also, I can’t really look at the screen while I type. I’m actually in the middle of a meeting. This meeting is from 9 AM – 5 PM over the next two weeks, so I’ll give myself a break for a quick blog today. Don’t feel too bad about it.

Let’s talk about yesterday real quick. Hell of a day. Did I tell you lot that I got my female boxer matched up? I think I did yesterday. I might fight on the same card. Who really knows right now.

Also, my dogs busted their heads through my living room windows during a meeting with my VP of Sales at this company. Super awesome. Glass everywhere. Dogs were fine. I freaked out. Yelled. Felt guilt after my dogs looked scared. Apologized. Gave treats. Retreated.

Then I reached out with anger but my support system (Pops) noticed I was reaching out with frustration and stress. He let me go to the gym to get some boxing in while he came over and fixed up my patch job. He told me he’ll have the windows fixed my Saturday. The man is a miracle worker. I’d be lost without him, honestly – well, for the most part. At least with household chores.

I really do need to start paying more attention to this “Boot Camp” (orientation) for work. I’m glad I took the chance to write to you lot. Have a fantastic day. OH! And if you’re graduating soon, congratulations!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

House in Order

Hi, everybody.

If you’ve kept with me over these past nine or so months I’ve been blogging, you probably noticed my life has been an utter mess for… well, over nine months. Well, it’s starting to come together. Wanna know how I know? Things are slowing down for me. The work isn’t slowing down, but my worries and insecurities have shed from me. It’s a good feeling to have.

How did I get to this point? Shit, I don’t know. I think it was just perseverance and putting the right people around me at the right times. Or it was just simply life playing itself out. I try not to think about it too much. I’m just happy I made progress.

So what sparked this blog topic? My office is put together! New desk, my favorite bookcase, my grandma’s old plant stand, a hanging plant in the window, my mini basketball hoop (yeah so what if I’m almost 30), and a yoga mat + roller. I’m very happy in this room. I’m very happy in this house. You could say… my house is in order.

I’m sorry for that. That was so lame. But I got nothing else for you today. That’s where I’m leaving it. I’ll be better next time, maybe.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Off To Florida! Routine Threatened?

Hi, everybody!

Tomorrow I head to Florida. Family trip. Pretty pumped, don’t get to do this too often. Won’t have my computer but I’ll try to post from my phone if I think about it.

And yes, I promise, I am pretty pumped. Am I a bit worried? Not really, but kind of. I’m leaving my routine for a week, which is going to be a bit odd. Now, my routine does shift throughout the week, but the meat of it stays the same. This next week, everything will change. I’ll be around my parents often, which is always a challenge for me. It’s nothing to do with them. It’s everything to do with me. I need to stay aware of that while I’m gone.

But I always tell you lot we can’t spend our time worrying. We can’t focus on just the negatives. We can’t. We’ll go mad. We’ll have to start a blog just to keep our head above water… oh, wait.

The positives? Plenty. You want to know what I can’t wait to do? Jump rope in beautiful weather with water around me. Run in the sand. Shadow box in the sand. Try new training exercises with natural resistance.

“BUT IT’S A VACATION!”

Exactly. That means I can do what I want with my own time (which should really happen all the time, not just vacation). Right now, what makes me happiest is training myself both physically and mentally. I plan to continue to do that while I’m on vacation. Looks like the meat of the routine isn’t threatened whatsoever.

It took writing to understand that. Ain’t that beautiful? I had a question to start with and through writing, I was able to figure out an answer. Fuck, I love this shit. It’s amazing what we can do ourselves even when we’re worried, scared, in fear. Trust yourself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.