Undiscovered Trauma Discovered

Hi, everybody.

Well, it’s not every day I come on here with an actual topic to discuss. Usually it’s just babble with some rambling and some hootin’ and hollerin’.

Ok, sorry, I’ll get to it.

Tonight an old friend is in town. An old ex, although that was short-lived and not part of the picture any longer. This fiend has been a friend for quite some time, tested our friendship quite a few times, but remained a solid friend in my life and someone I’m honored and grateful to call a friend.

But there’s a catch. A couple years back, my friend hanged themselves in my house. I might have wrote about it – I can’t remember if I had this blog or not, and everyone knows I don’t read these things after I hit publish. Anyway, that fiend is in town for a couple of weeks seeing family, and they need a place to stay. Tonight, they stay at my new house. Well, new to them.

I’ve been telling people since the incident that I don’t believe it really impacted me, but this morning I woke up with an irrational fear. A fear of reliving the moment. Finding the friend after my late dog led me to them on the floor, belt broken, me screaming, me yelling at the 911 dispatcher, me crying, me pumping the chest, me yelling more, me lifting the head, me yelling even more at the 911 dispatcher, me crying, me pumping, and at last – my friend spit up and started to breathe again.

I know it’s irrational. I already mentioned that. This friend has bettered their life in 100 different ways since this incident, but I can’t help but think about it a bit.

One thing that’s always been hard for me to swallow is the thought that this friend thinks they owe me. They don’t I understand why they do think that, but really the best thing they can do is continue to better themselves and be the person they want to be. And they’re doing just that. So no, this friend owes me nothing – but they believe they do. How do I confront that without sounding like a dick? Do I just keep letting it be said?

You saved my life!

– Friend

Anyone would, right? You see one of your best friends lying there, you do anything you can to bring them back. Anything.

Do I feel guilt for not being around in the house when they did this? Fear they’ll do it again? Fear and guilt? Anxiety about it all? Who knows. However, I need to take notes from my own writing and remember to focus on the positives out of this. This friend is still alive. They are here today and I will get to see them in the flesh for the first time in a couple of years. They have worked on their mental health. They are true to who they are.

See, writing does help. It really does. I am still scared, but I do feel a hell of a lot better. Wish me luck tonight, eh? Maybe I’ll update you by the end of the week, but I’m pretty spotty nowadays with writing. Either way, assume I’m good, alright?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

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