Shaky Writing

Today I sit here 27 pounds slimmer than a month or so ago. Not on purpose, I mean… I wasn’t in bad shape prior to the breakup & new medication. I’m a 6’3″ guy that weighed about 196. Today I clocked in at 169. It wasn’t a good feeling.

Don’t tell me to eat like I haven’t already tried that. I do try to eat. For some reason, my appetite is suppressed & no matter what I do, I don’t work up any supplemental appetite throughout the day.

People have told me I still look good. I look healthy. All that jazz. I mean, I’m back around my fighting weight. I don’t feel good like I did when I was fighting around this weight. I feel like a skeleton, brittle & shaky. It’s difficult to focus on this screen & the movements my fingers are trying to make. Eyes blur constantly. My hands, from wrists to fingertips, are substantially uneasy. I’m not nervous, I just have nothing left in my body. It’s starting to show not only on my body, but in my body, too.

I went to the gym today to try & box, one of my many ways of release/therapy. I hit the bag for about 20-30 seconds & boom! Lightheadedness, breathing difficulties, heart moving at an unrecognizable pace. I stopped. I knew I didn’t have any gas in my body – I mean, I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. YES, I’M TRYING TO EAT. Ask one more time.

I have a bag of Chipotle in front of me. It’s been in front of me for 30 minutes. I waited 15 minutes to pick up that Chipotle. I should eat it, right? I mean, Chipotle isn’t super duper cheap.

Maybe I’ll eat it later. I should eat it right now. Maybe I’ll eat it later. I should eat it right now. I’ll eat it later.

Every day it’s that. It’s that type of thought that blocks me from eating. I can’t figure it out. I really can’t. Also, when I do have an appetite? Well, it’s still not very helpful. My stomach is the size of an ant right now & it shows when I try to eat – especially while out. I took THREE to-go boxes a couple nights ago. I’m usually the type of person that can order two meals & walk it off fine. It really is a drastic change for me – one I hope to figure out how to reverse sooner rather than later.

So what are my options here? I ask myself this every day. I’ve tried expanding what I eat to things like morning power shakes, more eggs, anything fatty. I’ve tried the extremely healthy route with dairy-free yogurt, bananas, & plenty more fruit. I’ve intersected the two routes & still… no luck.

I’m hoping in writing this before I try to eat Chipotle will help me this time. That’s literally why I’m writing this post. Seriously, I just laughed out loud writing that because holy shit, that’s pathetic. But if it helps, it helps. Who gives a shit.

If you have any tips for someone recently struggling with working up an appetite, loser major weight, & struggling to focus day-to-day due to it – please advise. I’ll take any tips on how to get back on the right track.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Update: Finished half of the Chipotle bowl. I will finish it… in like 30 minutes. Right now I have to work on keeping it down.

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