I’ve noticed in my depression, anxiety, the other side, that I am just not very good at relationships.
Don’t get me wrong. I am good… when I’m good. When the other side is in control? Nah, not good. I mean the shit that comes out of my mouth is unreal. I know I cuss a lot on this blog, but you should see that other side in real life. Actually, you shouldn’t.
OK, back to it. Being bad at relationships, right? It has me wondering, and I wouldn’t mind if you pitched in here, Mr. or Ms. Reader, should I involve myself with anyone else in whatever’s left of my life?
It’s a really bleak question to ask yourself when you’re on that other side, but it’s an interesting question when you’re not. You know you can be good, but sometimes you fail. Actually, it’s not just sometimes. It’s a lot of the time. Like waaaaay too much. How many people that you love have you pushed away? Luckily I can still count on one hand, but it’s getting close to that second hand.
So what can people like us do? We can’t deny ourselves the joy that love can bring, that companionship brings, just because of our stupid mental illness. That’s worsening your own self. That’s denying your good side a chance to show up a bit more often.
But is it fair for the other person? This is the one I struggle with. My mind, everything really, tells me no. But there’s this thought in the back of my mind, really deep back there, that says yes, it is fair. Why? Because there’s something called unconditional love, and there will be that person out there for you, that unconditionally loves you and puts up with your other side because they, again, unconditionally love you.
Also, be mindful. Be aware. Understand when you need to step away. Sticking around and trying to battle that other side while you’re with the person you care most about… don’t do that. Separate yourself. At least for me, that’s what’s helped in the past. It just hasn’t been quite enough. Maybe you’re better at talking it out than I am. Do what fits you best.
Another thing to always tell yourself is you will never know when you’ll find love. It’s stupid to think that you being active on a dating app or heading to the bars will bring you love. Nothing brings you love. That shit just shows up, and when it does, remember what I said. Be mindful. Be aware. Step away when needed. And as always, try your best to think of that good side you have.
I’m sure I’ll write more on this subject, but for now, that’s all I got.
I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.
The Two Sides of Me 
I think thats kinda crap. A lot of people will tell you that you cant be in a relationship til you are a whole independent person on your own. But I don’t believe that. Sometimes someone needs someone, sometimes that person that helps you shows a part of their heart that is calling to you for other reasons.
Okay, don’t get me wrong- I’ve made the mistake of replacing my medications with a significant other’s attention and when THAT’s gone, well- there aren’t enough drinks/ drugs/ nights of self loathing that can fill the void. But as you get older, or at least wiser/ more cognizant of these patterns, do I think it’s possible to have a healthy(enough?) relationship without crippling codependency as a broken person? Yes, I do. Because we are all broken. We can all do better. And anyone that disagrees in my opinion is delusional. And headed for a whirlwind of a midlife crisis. Relationships are about a journey. Why would you want to be done with yours to join someone else on theirs? Why not meet halfway and compliment each others dysfunction….. no? Lol. optimism… I suppose…
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