Tag: awareness

I Need To Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hello, everybody. Good morning.

I put a reminder in my phone last night to blog, but on Thursday. I couldn’t wait. I don’t have much to say, but I’m sure that will change as I continue to type this out.

I’m currently at the dog park. This is my routine now: Wake up at 5, work out, dog park, work, work out/coach, stay up far too late, and repeat. It’s not sustainable, but I’m somewhat enjoying it.

My main problem right now are my relationships with people. Family, friends, potential romances. I’m shut down and closed off from it. I’m not finding joy in people or myself, and it worries me.

So what can I do about that? Not quite sure. Started with this — and I have my monthly therapy session on Friday. Things usually turn around, but I’d love some stability with my happiness. I know it’s on me, but I promise I’m trying. It’s just not easy. Never let anyone take that validation away from you. You feel how you feel – and only you know how strong that grip is around you. No one else.

I think I’ll start by continuing my routine, and maybe I step outside my comfort zone and ask a woman to dinner this week. Maybe I go grab a drink with a friend. But hopefully? Hopefully I find happiness within myself. And I hope the same for you, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

2022 – So What?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

The title reads in a negative light. It isn’t supposed to. My bad.

Tomorrow we start 2022! To be completely honest, I’m not at all a “NEW YEAR, NEW ME” type of person, but I am proud of what I’ve accomplished this year. And I’m proud of the ones around me. Grateful, too.

This year had its ups and downs, that’s for sure. But if we were to sum it all up, I think the ups outweigh the downs. And that’s what we want, right?

This year has been about awareness for me. Truly the first year I’ve really focused in on it – and boy am I glad I did so. I’m aware of how I feel so much more often now and CAN STOP myself from doing horrible things and/or saying terrible things.

I’ve also grown professionally and grown physically. Mentally I’ve grown. All year – growth!

Have you checked in with yourself in a bit? You should. I bet you surprise yourself with all the awesome stuff you did this year (and no, it doesn’t have to be a trip to Jamaica or some shit).

Good luck in 2022. Thanks for tagging along with me on these blog posts. I appreciate you all pushing me to write more and more. It helps.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Structure Changes

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Is not hearing from me every single day nice? I bet it is. Also, it helps me keep this blog filled with good content, not fluff. Although you could make an argument that literally everything I write on here is “fluff”, but I hope you don’t take it that way.

One of my English professors always talked about stream of consciousness in writing and I believe that’s kind of what I do best. So yeah, that’s why you read what you read from me. I just think and type, think and type, think and type. I usually come in here with some type of structure or plan, but I veer away from it in record time almost always.

Like I almost just did.

Today I wanted to talk to you lot about how things are going with me (SURPRISE!) and what I’ve noticed after slowing down my writing.

  1. I don’t have anxiety/stress from the “need” to write to you lot
  2. I am able to have more freedom in my mind and I don’t feel the need to “solve the problem” right away
  3. I’m embracing each moment and letting it run through me
  4. I feel better about who I am

Now not all that can be contributed to me stopping the streak (accidentally). A lot of that has to do with how I’ve been structuring my days. Simply put – I really haven’t been structuring my days. It’s kind of freeing. I’ve been much more open to going out and doing random things. I don’t play nearly as many video games so I’m staying away from screens a bit more. Shit, I even booked a Colorado trip with a new girlfriend. Yep, I said it. Girlfriend. Crazy, innit?

But yeah, things are changing for me. I might even have a new job soon. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to always keep you lot posted on anything going on in my life, sometimes annoyingly so.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Excited to Write?!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I’m not in a great mood today but I am going to act like it!

Kidding, I’m in an OK mood but who cares, right?

It’s 10:42 AM CT and I’m finished with most of my work for the day. I can’t wait for the next couple of hours to pass so I can hit the gym, hit the sauna, hit the steam room, and hit the whirlpool. Ah, I love recovering prior to a fight. Also I ate like shit last night so I need to cut that out and lose a little bit of weight before my fight on Sunday.

But man, I am so excited to be writing to you lot today. I really don’t have the slightest clue as to why, but my writing is starting to feel less like a chore now that I know I can stop this streak whenever I damn well please.

I’ve picked up reading again. Normal pattern for me: Read for a couple of weeks, stop for a couple of months, read for a couple of weeks, repeat. I’d like to change that but hey, reading for a couple of weeks is better than most people in this world. At least I think. I’m also getting crushed by my best friend because he reads like two books a week. Insane.

What else is going on? I guess I’ve been on a roller coaster of loneliness/not lonely. The switch in feeling happens so quickly. I really do need to figure out why I’m so different in the morning compared to at night.

And where can I figure this shit out? Through writing. But also I have a therapy session at 2:30 PM today. That should help, too.

What are you up to today? Have you checked in with yourself to see where your head and heart are at for the day? I highly recommend you do so–it always helps me when I take 2-3 minutes to figure out that shit.

Anyway, thank you for reading. Two more days till another dub!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Bored at The Auto Shop

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I figured I would write to you since, well, I am capable of doing nothing else at the moment. You see, I came to the auto shop to get an oil change and some work done. Problem: I can’t connect to an unsecured network on my work device. Looks like you lot are stuck with me now.

Today was weird. I woke up at 8:30 AM. I haven’t woken up that late in months (on accident). What happened?

I truly believe my finally said enough is enough, let’s get some rest. What did I say back? Well, mind, how about a 2 mile run to punish you? It worked wonders. I felt great after the run and dismissed the guilt I felt from sleeping in.

But there’s a problem. I need to get some fucking work done ASAP, and it looks like I’m anchored in here at the Nissan shop… just waiting to get internet back. Oh! And I have a web meeting in an hour.

It’s safe to say I didn’t plan this day well. However, who gives a shit? Let’s push through it, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Decision Made

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s a R&R type of afternoon and I’ve had some time to think about this blog. I’ve decided the quality of my posts has drastically taken a hit with this damn streak on my mind, so I’ve set an end date for the streak.

With this post, it will be 147(?) posts in 147 days. That’s a lot. I think a lot but not enough to write THAT much. So I’ll be calling my daily streak quits at 150.

Now that sounds like a commitment, I get it, but it’s not. If I feel like I need to keep writing to solve a thought in my head or if my anxiety kicks in and doesn’t want to let the streak go away, I will continue to write.

But right here, right now, I think a good stopping point is 150 posts in 150 days. The goal was originally 30 posts in 30 days. We’re about to 5x that! Insane, right?

But the content has struggled as of yet. I apologize for that. I don’t know if it’s really because I’m writing too much. I think it’s just been my mood. I’m back to that whole “not excited” me. I hate this version. Luckily it hasn’t been hitting me like a ton of bricks as it usually does, but that time could come if I don’t figure something out.

So yeah, I might keep writing. But right now, let’s agree to stop at 150.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Yourself

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Do you have a difficult time understanding yourself? I do. Not all the time but, well, a lot of the time.

The funny thing? Most people I know think I’m one of the most confident people they know. The faces we can put on, right? You lot know the real me more than most in real life.

Are we made to understand ourselves? What’s to understand? Both good questions and both extremely difficult to answer. I mean, even when I think about things now, I wonder how I’ll ever “understand” myself or what that even means. But I came into writing this blog thinking it. Now, after the wonderful power of writing struck, I don’t think there is an understanding of ourselves. I mean, we kind of just are what we are, right? No need to understand it.

Again, what the hell did I just write?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lake Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’ve waited all summer for this day. Finally, I’m on a lake.

The person I’m with just ran three miles with me around the lake — that was nice. Guess what? Now it’s time for some tacos and beer. Tomorrow we get back into the thick of training. Let’s have some fun tonight, yeah?

But I have to leave you with something, don’t I? Something to think about. So how about this: Don’t think about anything. Try that. Just let today be today and enjoy yourself. Hell, if you’re successful, it might just roll in tomorrow and you might just enjoy tomorrow, too! That would be nuts, right?

We can hope. We can do our best. We can live. Maybe one day we can live on a lake.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Note to Myself

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

Wait, shouldn’t I say “Hi, me.”?

Whatever.

I’m off to golf with my Pops. I’m pumped. It’s been a while since we last played and well, last time we played I believe we got into an argument. Normal stuff for us.

So what am I doing to be proactive about the chance of that happening again? Writing about it real quick before I hop in the car. Awareness, people, awareness. I am aware that I can be easily irritated and argumentative with my father. I’m also aware I can control that.

Thanks for being an outlet for me, internet and people of the internet.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It’s A QD!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Quote day. QD stands for quote day.

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently at a graduation party but I wanted to write a bit — then I realized I don’t have much today. So what did I do? Scoured the internet for some gosh darn amazing quotes. Just for you.

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

Morris West

You can say that again.

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

Seneca

I mean, that’s hard to argue.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

Sense a theme yet?

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.

Les Brown

Yup.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me