Phew. Today was quite some day.
You ever have one of those things called an epiphany? That’s one of the few words I have to spellcheck, by the way. Those “Aha! I just experienced some sort of enlightenment” moments. Yeah, I had one. It’s something you’d assume to be positive, but sometimes that’s just not the way it goes.
Enlightenment comes from epiphanies, and sometimes enlightenment feels like the exact opposite – darkness. Today I maybe mentioned to a few people I believe I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, or as I’ll refer it to in this blog, BPD. BPD isn’t something I was really aware of, but after watching videos from this guy named Joe Tracini, it all felt too familiar. (Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to include the video at the bottom of the post.)
I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for 15 years. 15 fuckin’ years, similar to Joe. Yes, I have spells of … non-depression, but that’s not the point here. The point is it always comes back. You think you have it figured out, you’ve been through countless hours with your therapist, you’ve finally accepted the fact it might be in your best interest to see a phony psychiatrist. Yeah, you give in, at least that’s how it felt for me.
Breaking news: It’s not giving in. It’s asking for help. It’s something I wish my younger self would’ve pushed for more, and not just that, but knowledge surrounding mental illness. Isn’t it funny that all it took was one absolutely honest and terrific TWITTER video to open my eyes? I mean, I’ve had three accidental overdoses, my sibling passed, my mother suffered a major, life-altering accident. Not to toot my own horn, but that’s some bad shit – and that’s not even half of it. (This is what you do when you’re like me, you one-up people with the bad shit in your life. Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to me either but I still do it.) But even still, I never looked inside, it was always about what happened in my past, my relationships, etc., until Joe posted a fucking video on Twitter.
I’ve lashed out on people because I was envious they felt so damn good and I didn’t. I’ve flipped off grandmas for driving slow on the interstate because honestly, sometimes the other side just wants to be super fucking mean. I used to break into my own mother’s safe to steal drugs, no weird explanation here, I just wanted drugs. What the fuck, right? (Yes, it’s OK to hate me for that. I hate me for that.)
Anyway, you’re probably wondering what I’m driving at here. Well, you’re kinda seeing it first-hand. There’s things moving around in my mind a million and one miles per hour almost every second of the day, leading me into tangents of nonsense. But that’s the thing – sometimes those tangents of nonsense don’t come from this side of me, and that’s where that whole “epiphany” thing slides into the equation.
Remember how I mentioned depression, anxiety, all that bullshit always comes back? Well, it’s because it’s always there for me. For some unknown reason; maybe trauma, maybe drug usage, or maybe just bad luck, I managed to mangle my brain so bad that now I think I have two sides of me (now you get the name of the site… I mean, it was pretty fucking obvious). That’s what BPD is. As Joe Tracini put in another Twitter video, and I’m somewhat paraphrasing here, “It’s like I have a terrorist inside my head that booked an Air BnB 15 years ago and won’t leave. Yeah, he’ll go into another room sometimes, but he’s always there.”
It’s true. It’s so very true. That other side, I refuse to give it a pronoun because fuck that thing, racks my brain with bullshit majority of the time. Emptiness, shame, self-destruction… all things the other side has mastered over the years. But it isn’t all doom and gloom. Sometimes my best problem solving comes from the other side. Sometimes my emotions are strengthened (not always a good thing), and sometimes I learn new things about myself… like that I might have BPD (the epiphany if you haven’t already understood that).
I was told to make this site because maybe it might help some of you who feel the way I feel. Even if you don’t feel the way I feel, maybe this will help you. I mean, shit, I’ll take all the help I can get, so maybe this will help me, too. I don’t promise daily content here, I promise honest content. It won’t all be … what’s the saying? Hold on, let me Google something. Yeah, it’s not always going to be sunshine and roses (I personally think roses and sunshine rolls better off the tongue). Actually, most likely it’ll be quite the opposite. But I hope my brutal honesty doesn’t drive you away. Sometimes we need to be brutal with ourselves, sometimes we need to beat ourselves up – it’s OK to do that, just make sure to take the time to recover.
It’s not OK to do that all the time, though. When that good side comes out, cherish that shit. Cherish it. Make the absolute most of it, and don’t let it slip away without making some progress against that other side. What have I been doing when my good side finally decides to show the fuck up? Well, I started meditating a little bit, it kinda helps. I read more often, that does help. And I write quite a bit now, which, as an English major, I should be doing anyway – so yes, that helps, too. Also, don’t judge me on my damn grammar or sentence structure. This is a fucking blog, not an editorial from the New York Times.
But those activities/exercises I mentioned might not work for you. Speaking of exercise, I use that as a tool to get rid of the other side. Hitting a heavy bag while the other side is controlling you… man, you can do some serious damage. But getting that anger out, that frustration out, is so very important. By any means necessary, beat that motherfucker out of you the best way you know how.
Sometimes it’s easiest just to think about your good side and appreciate how good that fucking person really is.
And if you can’t get the other side out of you, if you are really struggling, reach out to anyone. Anyone at all. They may not understand you. Actually, 99.5% of the time they won’t understand you. But if they listen, that’s better than nothing. My father listens to me constantly, has for 15 years, and still has no clue what the hell I’m going through. But what does he do best? He listens. He doesn’t try to tell me that I need to do this or I need to do that. He. Just. Listens. Find that person in your life – they are out there, even if your other side is telling you otherwise.
That reminds me. You all are going through this shit, too. At least some shit, maybe not this particular batch. If you aren’t taking time out of your day to help someone out, how do you think you’ll ever find someone to help you out when you need it most? It’s not a one-way street. People need people.
So yes, this is my admission to Borderline Personality Disorder. Have I been diagnosed yet? No. Do I want to ask my psychiatrist about this? Hell no. But I might. And if I do, it’ll be because of the people that help me push against the other side.
I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder.— Joe Tracini (@joetracini) January 26, 2020
He lives in my head and it’s difficult to explain the symptoms, so I got him out to show you xx pic.twitter.com/cPmZlR8T96