Stopgaps

Every night I go to bed with similar & quite stressful thoughts: Why do I keep filling my day with meaningless tasks? What void am I trying to fill & why am I doing such a terrible job at it? Will I be better tomorrow? I’ll be better tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do x differently & y so much better.

That last part doesn’t usually end up happening. My days remain relatively consistent – couch lounging, menial house & gardening work, & a mix of Tinder & cannabis. Let’s just say this mixture isn’t your best bet to get out of a slump – at least a mental health “slump” or whatever you want to call it.

Tinder is where I really go wrong. In the past week I’ve had four encounters with four different women, all usually followed by a heap of regret outside of my encounter in Maine. That person is now a friend.

You’re probably asking yourself why I keep swiping left & right. I don’t have a good answer for you. I mean, part of me wants to say that sex is an easy fix that creates some type of happiness/joy, but it doesn’t last. I’m not looking to create anything long-lasting. I promise I tend to be a nice guy when it comes to women which generates even more regret when I blow someone off or tell them I’m just not interested anymore.

One of the many stopgaps.

Let’s discuss my use of cannabis. I’m not a crazy heavy user, but when things get tough, I tend to smoke some cannabis & lie down. It helps with my anxiety, but it doesn’t help me long term. Where’s the balance in that? Which one is more important than the other? More questions I constantly ask myself each & every day.

Could I quit cannabis? I don’t think so – at least not right now. When I traveled to Maine, I didn’t have an itch for it, but when I’m in my own home… well, it just feels too natural & sometimes my anxiety climbs too high.

Another stopgap.

My menial tasks, my lounging. These are tasks that I do to just pass time. You have no idea how quickly I want days to end. I want to wake up & it be time for bed already. Sadly that doesn’t happen, but I strive for that right now. If I can spend less than six hours a day conscious, I call that a win. Luckily it’s not a big enough of a win for me to go back to my destructive opiate addiction (almost 10 years clean! See, there’s a positive in here).

Too many stopgaps & nonsensical tasks. Hell, I have to take the GRE to get into an MBA program in less than a month & I haven’t studied a page. I’m fucked, I know it, but I’m having trouble self-starting. Outside of work, I can’t do much for myself at this point. Luckily I’ve been able to get into the gym recently & have some decent workouts, but the hours before & after that gym visit are mostly shitty.

Holy fuck, this post sucks. Can I say anything positive at all?

Yeah, I can say a few positive things. I mean, if I didn’t, my best friend would holler at me for not listening to his #1 rule when it comes to venting/bitching/whatever this is. So let’s do it, let’s get into the positives.

My house is almost ready to sell. My dogs are healthy. I’m physically healthy. My parents are celebrating their 37th! wedding anniversary in the mountains as I type this post. My garden is still going strong. I do have something to look forward to – the test for the MBA program – I just need to get to studying at some point. I have a final interview on Monday & should receive two job offers over the next week. Anything else? Hey, I have a fully stocked fridge. That’s a huge win, too.

Life isn’t the absolute worst right now. Really, it isn’t. However, I need to figure out how to get rid of my stopgaps & dive into some passions. The problem is I don’t really feel like I have too much passion for any passions right now, if that makes sense. I’m hoping that changes, & until then I’ll keep using the stopgaps proven to get me by.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

One thought on “Stopgaps

  1. I feel you. My days are filled with stopgaps, and I always tell myself I’ll do better tomorrow, but that rarely happens. I’ve been waking up earlier though, and have managed to significantly cut down on my social media usage, so I guess it’s happening, little by little.

    I heard you don’t need to try and change much. Just making a 1% improvement every day is enough to drastically change your life. So maybe cutting down your smoking by one session per month? Or doing the least amount of your passion project that you can bear?

    Wishing you all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

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