Tag: sex

Sorry For The Language, But… Fuck

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Let me start this off with…

Wait, hold on.

Hi, everybody!

OK, let me start this off with the fact that I am stupid tired right now. I’m so very stressed at the moment I just scheduled out emails to go out in the morning for me. Highly effective, but I rarely do that. I know I’m overextending myself when I am doing that. WOAH, see? Writing just fleshed that all out for me. Holy shit.

OK, where are we driving?

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the language in the title. Let me explain the best I can. Disclaimer: I know there are certain stigmas around things, some items are overblown, not as bad as we’ve been conditioned into thinking they are, but still, as you read this, understand I’m just fucking scared. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m scared.

I slept with a woman the other night. Long story short, the condom broke within 30-45 seconds, most likely. Things got weird at the very start & I cut it off. Once I pulled out, well, things got even more weird.

Fuck, you know what I just realized? My Pops reads this shit. Welp, if you’re reading this, man, understand I’m a BIT STRESSED FROM THIS RIGHT NOW. Sorry in advance. Well, I’ll try to be aware. I will. See? Writing, man. It’s pretty cool.

OK, we were driving the right way there but we lost our signal for a moment. We’re back, baby. Remember, I’m stupid tired. So, yes, things somehow became more strange & let me tell you, the things that made me stop within a minute were very, very strange. I don’t just stop having sex without a valid reason. I heard things I’ve never heard before. I don’t know if I’ll unhear them.

Anyway, let’s get back to it. This is the paragraph, I promise. I will get to the fucking point. (You should find that funny later.) Cut past some emotional moments, questions, & it turns out she has herpes. Yes, herpes. Just typing that made my heart drop. IF YOU FOUND ANGER READING THAT, PLEASE REFER TO THE KIND DISCLAIMER UP TOP. THANK YOU. I don’t know what it is about it, but the best way I can describe it is I don’t want to add it to my list. One thing to definitely mention: there was no outbreak & there hasn’t been any in quite some time. That gives me slight piece of mind. But OK, the list…

I am:

  • Gluten intolerant – like the real kind
  • Soy intolerant – honestly don’t know if this is real but I feel better without it
  • Lactose intolerant – not going to lie to you folks, I can sacrifice a lot of time & toilet paper if the cheese is good enough
  • Former drug addict – once a drug addict, always a drug addict, am I right, y’all? WHY DID THEY TEACH US THAT?
  • Jailed multiple times as a kid
  • Pulled away from the home to stay in group homes & other places that were… oof, to say the least
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • I write blogs about herpes at 1:15 AM

I mean, do I need to keep going? No. You get the point. But now we add a whopper to this list. Whopper Jr., if you’re reading this. We could be adding herpes, folks. Fuck. That’s why I said it in the title. Because, well, fuck. That’s all I can think about it. I’m not even trying to be funny. I can’t be funny with this shit. I can’t get a single straight thought across.

I know my life isn’t over. Again, check the disclaimer. I’m just scared, y’all. I’m hoping I can catch a break. I really hope I do. Knock on wood? (Literally knocked on wood after I typed that… out. Well, I did it again for good measure right now.)

I gave you a list of the bad shit about me. That was rude. Woe is me isn’t allowed in this shit. I have plenty positive to say to myself, to you about myself, & plenty to be grateful for. But sometimes, y’all, it’s OK to feel like the fucking world is closing in on you. The water rising as you reach the ceiling. Breath becoming more & more valuable with the pass of each anxious moment.

Again, I’m stupid tired right now. I don’t even know if we’re talking about herpes anymore.

OK, well, I’m not going to list out of the positive things. I’ve said them to myself. I’m good with that. I hope you are, too. Why don’t you try saying some positive things about yourself? Stop being so negative all the time, god damn. What’s there to be scared about? Herpes?

Maybe.

But we’ll get through it. Together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

IF YOU CARE: I’m getting tested tomorrow morning for all other STDs, getting tested for herpes after the accurate incubation period. All of these fucking medical bills are getting ridiculous.

SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, OH WELL. I REFUSE TO EDIT vA BLOG ON HERPES. GOOD DAY.

UPDATE TO THE SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I DID EDIT. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, JUST GO AWAY. Fuck, I need to sleep.

Stopgaps

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Every night I go to bed with similar & quite stressful thoughts: Why do I keep filling my day with meaningless tasks? What void am I trying to fill & why am I doing such a terrible job at it? Will I be better tomorrow? I’ll be better tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do x differently & y so much better.

That last part doesn’t usually end up happening. My days remain relatively consistent – couch lounging, menial house & gardening work, & a mix of Tinder & cannabis. Let’s just say this mixture isn’t your best bet to get out of a slump – at least a mental health “slump” or whatever you want to call it.

Tinder is where I really go wrong. In the past week I’ve had four encounters with four different women, all usually followed by a heap of regret outside of my encounter in Maine. That person is now a friend.

You’re probably asking yourself why I keep swiping left & right. I don’t have a good answer for you. I mean, part of me wants to say that sex is an easy fix that creates some type of happiness/joy, but it doesn’t last. I’m not looking to create anything long-lasting. I promise I tend to be a nice guy when it comes to women which generates even more regret when I blow someone off or tell them I’m just not interested anymore.

One of the many stopgaps.

Let’s discuss my use of cannabis. I’m not a crazy heavy user, but when things get tough, I tend to smoke some cannabis & lie down. It helps with my anxiety, but it doesn’t help me long term. Where’s the balance in that? Which one is more important than the other? More questions I constantly ask myself each & every day.

Could I quit cannabis? I don’t think so – at least not right now. When I traveled to Maine, I didn’t have an itch for it, but when I’m in my own home… well, it just feels too natural & sometimes my anxiety climbs too high.

Another stopgap.

My menial tasks, my lounging. These are tasks that I do to just pass time. You have no idea how quickly I want days to end. I want to wake up & it be time for bed already. Sadly that doesn’t happen, but I strive for that right now. If I can spend less than six hours a day conscious, I call that a win. Luckily it’s not a big enough of a win for me to go back to my destructive opiate addiction (almost 10 years clean! See, there’s a positive in here).

Too many stopgaps & nonsensical tasks. Hell, I have to take the GRE to get into an MBA program in less than a month & I haven’t studied a page. I’m fucked, I know it, but I’m having trouble self-starting. Outside of work, I can’t do much for myself at this point. Luckily I’ve been able to get into the gym recently & have some decent workouts, but the hours before & after that gym visit are mostly shitty.

Holy fuck, this post sucks. Can I say anything positive at all?

Yeah, I can say a few positive things. I mean, if I didn’t, my best friend would holler at me for not listening to his #1 rule when it comes to venting/bitching/whatever this is. So let’s do it, let’s get into the positives.

My house is almost ready to sell. My dogs are healthy. I’m physically healthy. My parents are celebrating their 37th! wedding anniversary in the mountains as I type this post. My garden is still going strong. I do have something to look forward to – the test for the MBA program – I just need to get to studying at some point. I have a final interview on Monday & should receive two job offers over the next week. Anything else? Hey, I have a fully stocked fridge. That’s a huge win, too.

Life isn’t the absolute worst right now. Really, it isn’t. However, I need to figure out how to get rid of my stopgaps & dive into some passions. The problem is I don’t really feel like I have too much passion for any passions right now, if that makes sense. I’m hoping that changes, & until then I’ll keep using the stopgaps proven to get me by.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.