Tag: maine

Stopgaps

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Every night I go to bed with similar & quite stressful thoughts: Why do I keep filling my day with meaningless tasks? What void am I trying to fill & why am I doing such a terrible job at it? Will I be better tomorrow? I’ll be better tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do x differently & y so much better.

That last part doesn’t usually end up happening. My days remain relatively consistent – couch lounging, menial house & gardening work, & a mix of Tinder & cannabis. Let’s just say this mixture isn’t your best bet to get out of a slump – at least a mental health “slump” or whatever you want to call it.

Tinder is where I really go wrong. In the past week I’ve had four encounters with four different women, all usually followed by a heap of regret outside of my encounter in Maine. That person is now a friend.

You’re probably asking yourself why I keep swiping left & right. I don’t have a good answer for you. I mean, part of me wants to say that sex is an easy fix that creates some type of happiness/joy, but it doesn’t last. I’m not looking to create anything long-lasting. I promise I tend to be a nice guy when it comes to women which generates even more regret when I blow someone off or tell them I’m just not interested anymore.

One of the many stopgaps.

Let’s discuss my use of cannabis. I’m not a crazy heavy user, but when things get tough, I tend to smoke some cannabis & lie down. It helps with my anxiety, but it doesn’t help me long term. Where’s the balance in that? Which one is more important than the other? More questions I constantly ask myself each & every day.

Could I quit cannabis? I don’t think so – at least not right now. When I traveled to Maine, I didn’t have an itch for it, but when I’m in my own home… well, it just feels too natural & sometimes my anxiety climbs too high.

Another stopgap.

My menial tasks, my lounging. These are tasks that I do to just pass time. You have no idea how quickly I want days to end. I want to wake up & it be time for bed already. Sadly that doesn’t happen, but I strive for that right now. If I can spend less than six hours a day conscious, I call that a win. Luckily it’s not a big enough of a win for me to go back to my destructive opiate addiction (almost 10 years clean! See, there’s a positive in here).

Too many stopgaps & nonsensical tasks. Hell, I have to take the GRE to get into an MBA program in less than a month & I haven’t studied a page. I’m fucked, I know it, but I’m having trouble self-starting. Outside of work, I can’t do much for myself at this point. Luckily I’ve been able to get into the gym recently & have some decent workouts, but the hours before & after that gym visit are mostly shitty.

Holy fuck, this post sucks. Can I say anything positive at all?

Yeah, I can say a few positive things. I mean, if I didn’t, my best friend would holler at me for not listening to his #1 rule when it comes to venting/bitching/whatever this is. So let’s do it, let’s get into the positives.

My house is almost ready to sell. My dogs are healthy. I’m physically healthy. My parents are celebrating their 37th! wedding anniversary in the mountains as I type this post. My garden is still going strong. I do have something to look forward to – the test for the MBA program – I just need to get to studying at some point. I have a final interview on Monday & should receive two job offers over the next week. Anything else? Hey, I have a fully stocked fridge. That’s a huge win, too.

Life isn’t the absolute worst right now. Really, it isn’t. However, I need to figure out how to get rid of my stopgaps & dive into some passions. The problem is I don’t really feel like I have too much passion for any passions right now, if that makes sense. I’m hoping that changes, & until then I’ll keep using the stopgaps proven to get me by.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reflections: Flying Home

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’m sitting in a Burger King right now. Checked in for my flight, head home here in just an hour or so.

What has this trip meant to me?

I originally embarked on this trip filled with zero expectations. I think I managed that. I never set anything in stone on things I had to get done, places I had to see, or people I had to meet. I did a good job on that.

However, I don’t know why I feel like I didn’t do enough this trip. It could have something to do with my crippling depression & constant need for naps throughout the trip to pass some time. But when I think about those naps, they managed to get me through some really tough mental moments.

I leave Maine knowing I saw what I could see. I ventured out as much as I could. I did give it my all. Now I head home without an ounce of knowledge on what to do next, & that’s a scary thought.

My parents will be there for me. My dogs will be there for me.

What did I learn about myself this trip? I still have a knack for meeting strangers and befriending them. That’s good to know. Maybe when I get back home it’ll be time to head back out to bars, to head back out & just talk with people. Maybe I’ll make some new friends. Maybe I’ll rekindle friendships with those that I’ve put aside recently due to my mental state.

This was a positive trip. I maybe cried a bit more than I’d care to admit, but I did something I didn’t think was possible for me. Hell, I thought I might drive off a cliff when I was heading up & down Cadillac Mountain, I was that poor off. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Fighting. Living somewhat, but mostly fighting.

I can’t wait to see my dogs. I can’t wait to be in my own bed. I am excited for what’s next. I’m proud to feel that way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

The “Final” Day of Maine

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I leave tomorrow, but tomorrow is mostly filled with plane travel. Long, long trip back to the good ol’ Midwest. Let’s go over some of the highlights of yesterday.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve struggled throughout this trip, but I’ve had some bright moments.

I met a friend, & she’s going through similar things that I’m going through. We initially got together for sex, but that soon changed. She’s become a friend in a very short period of time & I’m happy to say that I think we’ll stay in contact going forward. It’s always nice to run into genuine people. Believe me, there’s more out there than ya think. Talk to people, listen to people, you’ll be surprised.

A few things about Portland, Maine, if you ever make it out here.

  • It’s an amazing town with plenty of culture, plenty of good food, & plenty of cute dogs.
  • If you love breakfast foods, make sure to stop by Hot Suppa on Congress St. – flippin’ amazing.
  • Watch out for the park – I guess Portland shut down many of the homeless shelters here during the pandemic. You’ll run into quite a few folks that want nothing more than your wallet & to yell profanities at you. Be careful, but be caring.
  • Ask the locals for advice on where to go next, where to eat, where to grab a drink, & where to go next.
  • Get a lobster. I’m telling you, you can’t go wrong with a lobster up here. (Pictures to follow)
  • Take pictures. It’s such a cute town with so much history. Oh! Head down to Cape Elizabeth. Just a 20 minute drive or so.
  • Make sure you go to Peaks Island. It’s just a 20 minute ferry ride & wow, the views are something else. (Pictures to follow)

As for where I’m heading next for my final night, I really don’t know. I would like to find a cabin & finally disconnect like I mentioned at the start of this trip. It’s been hard to disconnect because of my mental strength right now, but I’ve been doing my best. That’s all we can ever ask for, & it’s good to remind yourself of that from time to time.

A trip by myself might not have been the smartest choice. I could’ve used some company while up here, but I made the most of it. Always make the most of it. Get out of bed when you’re feeling down. Get outside. Just start walking – you’ll find something to take your mind off of things, even if it’s just for a moment. That moment means more than the rest of the day combined.

Well, looks like my breakfast is coming right up. Time for me to sign off. I don’t know how much I’ll write when I get back, really I don’t. I’m starting to fade more & more each day. My anxiety is through the roof at all times & I can’t seem to fight it much anymore. I hope some fight comes back in me. I also hope that I can gain some weight back soon, it’s getting scary to look at myself in the mirror. I feel weak both mentally & physically. Can’t wait to try the gym again when I’m back home. I also can’t wait to see my dogs. Boy, do I miss them.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Ferry ride to Peaks Island, ME from Casco Bay Ferry Lines
View from the restaurant on Peaks Island (Wow)
Night ferry ride from Peaks Island, ME to Portland, ME
Lobstah from Peaks Island (sorry, buddy)

Maine Fun Facts & PICTURES!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I went to a place this week where the sun hits first in the USA. Pretty dang cool. It’s called Cadillac Mountain, nestled in Acadia State Park, & I highly suggest you try to make it up there at some point in your life. The air, the wind, the sunlight, & most importantly the quiet is really something to make you appreciate the world we live in. Don’t worry, I’ll put some photos down below so you can take a look for yourself.

Did you know Maine provides about 90% of the lobster distributed throughout the USA? I didn’t, & today I’ll be trying my first bite in Portland, Maine. To be honest, I’m not huge on lobster. So far I’ve devoured bolognese, fish & chips, & a few other items not specific to Maine. I don’t have any regrets yet & I hope to not have any by the time I leave.

This trip hasn’t been all sunflowers & daisies, though. I’ve had my struggles. Being alone in a new place is always a struggle, but day after day you tend to get better. The more decisions you make for you, the better off you usually are. I’ve finally figured that out. Finally.

I’ve also had some bumps & bruises with Airbnb, but let’s not get into that. PLEASE, let’s not get into that.

Did you know that Maine is the number one provider of blueberries in the USA? I just missed out on blueberry season, so I’ve had to settle with strawberries. These little pockets of sugar are FANTASTIC. Highly recommend.

Outside of that, Maine is kind of a… slow-moving place. I’ve asked locals what to do & they usually respond with “go to the coast”. Well, pretty much everywhere in Maine is the coast. Did you know that Maine has more coastline than California? Crazy, innit?

Mind you, I’ve still yet to see the state bird. I know I posted a few weeks back which state bird it is, but honestly forgot till about right now! I’ll keep my eyes peeled for a sighting.

This trip is about restoration. It’s about getting out of my comfort zone & surviving, thriving, whatever. It’s really about learning how to take deep breaths again.

Deep breaths are so very important. I was able to meditate atop the Cadillac Mountain & wow, was that an experience. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt connected to nature. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go all hippy on you. Deep breaths are so, so very important.

My anxiety’s picked up a bit since I’ve been out here, but that was to be expected. The deep breaths help. I hope to find more of those today as I travel throughout Portland and other southern parts of Maine.

Oh! The locals are extremely friendly & nice. Keep that in mind if you make a solo trip out here. When in doubt, when tired, when beat up, strike up a conversation with a local Mainer. I haven’t been disappointed yet.

I’m off to get some breakfast & coffee! I have a list that tells me… Bards Coffee is the best coffee in Portland & Hot Suppa or Local 188 are the best spots for breakfast. We’ll just have to see about that, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Portland Headlight Lighthouse in Cape Elizabeth
Airbnb in Camden, ME
Cadillac Mountain (West Trail) in Bar Harbor, ME

It’s Been a Minute

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, everyone!

It’s been a while. I do apologize. I’ve been in the shit.

However! Tomorrow I head off to Maine for eight days. Very, very pumped about it. It’s time for a trip filled with restoration & almost no expectations. It’s really freeing to have something like this booked. A week on the river, right by the ocean, just a couple kayaks & me. I have a rental car to skedaddle anywhere I want in the state & who knows where that will be!

So let’s talk about the shit. I haven’t posted in a week, why? Well, like I said, I’ve been in the shit. Self-motivation? Big fat NOPE. Self-care? Big fat NOPE. Crying? Big fat YES. But things change. They do. This week had shitty weather anyway, maybe it’s not even my fault. One thing I do know: Who cares! We have another day to live tomorrow, another breath to take right now, & another smile to unearth sometime soon, hopefully.

What am I going to do on my trip? Disconnect. I will have to work, but I’ve told my team that I will be delegating quite a bit of my workload next week. They understand. It’s nice to have coworkers that understand (they won’t understand unless you’re honest about your situation – try that sometime). I have a list concocted by a work acquaintance of the best street to shop in a certain city in Maine, the best trails, the best foods, the best everything. Very excited to use that resource as somewhat of a compass throughout the trip. Props to the person that cared enough to share the list, right? Some good people out there.

Most importantly, I’m going to be doing nothing. Not nothing in the sense of just sitting on the couch like I’ve been doing this week, but nothing in the sense of expectations. Sometimes those pesky expectations weigh you down, drive guilt into your cranium, and make that heart puff up to the point of uncomfortability. I’m getting away from that next week & I cannot wait.

Will I write next week? Most likely. I tend to write when I do quite a bit of thinking, & I believe I’ll be doing quite a bit of thinking. I mean, it is just me & some kayaks.

I’m bringing four to five books with me, all untouched. If I don’t like the first few pages, bang!, I’m discarding the book. Well, maybe, they’re quite expensive. My point is: I’m doing what I want next week. Nothing more, nothing less, & that feels AMAZING to type out.

I hope you lot had a fantastic week. I hope to be on here more, writing my own shit & reading some of your great posts.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Long Weekends

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Here we go again.

I do well right now with a lot of structure. This weekend lacks structure. I’m freaking out a bit.

Labor Day weekend, a four to five day span where people get together & grill, laugh, etc. Usually I’d be all up for that, but this year it’s a bit different for me. I do have a couple minor things planned this weekend, like a Fantasy Football draft (totally forgot football existed… need to do research or I’m just throwing away $100) & some family time on a lake. Those two moments sound great, & I’m looking forward to them. The only problem? The time in between those moments. There’s too much time in between those moments.

As for my anxiety & depression check-in, it’s not going according to plan. I seem to bounce back ever so slightly, then poof, I’m right back in the shit. Can’t really pin down what’s the issue anymore. It’s really starting to be frustrating each & every morning I wake up. Again, if you have any tips, please advise.

You know, I could fill my time with other stuff this weekend. I’m studying for the GRE, a prerequisite test to get into an MBA program. I could bring my dogs to the dog park, but the older one tends to hurt herself within 15 minutes of playtime. I could also spend time finishing up the outside of the house, which is somewhat in the plans, so I can get ready to sell it at the end of this month.

All of those things sound great. Will I do them? Who knows. Life is seriously so predictable & unpredictable at the same time right now. Weird, right? I need change.

Change comes in a week’s time. Off to Maine for a week. Am I worried about the lack of structure I have set for that week? Yes, but I think I’ll do just fine. I better do just fine, hopefully a bit better than “just fine”.

Thank you for being my soundboard. Never seen a soundboard but I think I used the phrase correctly. As you can tell, I’m quite indecisive in life & it’s taking a toll on me.

I am somewhat happy, really, I am. I have a lot to be grateful for. A whole lot. However, something in my mind isn’t letting me embrace it all. That damn depression & anxiety. I’ll beat them someday. I will.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.