I don’t know how to guide anyone on this topic. Really, I don’t. I’m scrambling myself right now trying to cope with the title of this blog. Each morning it feels like something new, but it’s almost impossible to pick out why I feel the way I feel from one day to the next. I’ll admit it, last night I felt empty as well. This morning? It’s amplified.
My initial thoughts this morning were along the lines of:
– What the fuck do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Meh, vacation is over. Back to my normal routine.
– I’ll be alone all day.
– At least I have my dogs.
– Will my dogs be enough?
– Holy shit what do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Will I be able to eat today?
– Can I go back to bed?
– This blog
As you can see, every one of those internal questions if begging an answer out of me. Asking me, “are you empty inside?” I can’t answer this question completely and truthfully. My best guess at this moment is sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. There’s really no rhyme or reason behind it any longer. And it is getting very, very tough.
When I was on vacation, I mostly thought of my limitations. I’ve always wanted to live in Boston, but a shitty house with an even more shitty backyard costs $1MM or above. How does anyone afford that, especially coming from the midwest? Yes, start small, I get it. But I have two giant dogs that keep me sane. I’m not leaving them behind.
I guess the only thing that’s helped me this morning is my routine. Jumping on the computer, typing out random shit, and answering a few work calls. It’s a weird mix to go from writing about emptiness, depression, anxiety to all of a sudden answering a call to discuss a sales deal I have in the works. It really is. Two completely different worlds. One real, one fake.
I’ve thought about asking for a leave of absence from my job as I work through these difficulties, but during COVID-19 that’s just an impossible ask. I’ve thought about doing an MBA, but I have no fucking money. I don’t want more debt. Yes, it’s an investment in yourself. I understand. But did you actually read what I wrote above? I’m at the point where I don’t feel like investing is my best bet. It’s all about survival right now.
I know this post probably doesn’t help you. Hell, it probably isn’t helping me. But I needed to put it out there. I needed a couple sets of eyes to see this, hear this, and hopefully use this as some sort of way to tell themselves “I’m not empty inside.” Because, well, most likely you aren’t. You probably just feel that way, similar to me. How do we snap out of it? I’m open to any suggestions. Really. Any suggestion.
I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.
* emphasis on the feeling, not necessarily the possibile reality
The Two Sides of Me 