As I sit here writing this, I don’t know quite what to say. Should I recap the trip? Should I tell you all how I felt throughout the trip? Does any of that matter now that I’m about to board the next flight to O’Hare? Do you guys really think I have nothing to say? Something will be typed out. Let’s just see if it can stay on path, but both you and I highly doubt that.
Of course that all matters (the trip, how I felt, does it matter, etc.). However, my mind is stuck on heading back home. And not all for good reasons. I do get to reunite with my dogs, B & L, but outside of that I am heading back to an empty home, and that always scares me. I’ll miss having my best friend in the next room, especially with what I’ve been going through recently.
I mean, you guys have seen it. I’m a goddamn rollercoaster. One day it’s “Man, I don’t know how I’m going to do this shit” to “Wow, life is great! You never know how great it is till it slaps you in the face.” I mean, I need some consistency there, don’t I? And today is the former. Today I feel… bad. And I can’t figure out why. I’m not exactly sad to be heading back home, but I still feel it. But I’ll get out of this slump. Mornings are always difficult.
Again, that’s the thing. As long as I keep writing this, well… really as long as I keep thinking about how difficult things can be for me, the more aware I am of how to get out of the shits. I thought getting away would help. It did, but only for a few hours a day. But hey, that’s better than nothing.
Go take that risk. Get away from what you’re comfortable from. It’s always there for you to come back to – that’s why it’s fucking comfortable. But for me, and I don’t know about you, remember that, it’s never great to be stagnant. This trip broke me out of a streak of stagnation.
Now? Now it’s back to the drawing board. Well, I have a shit ton of work I left behind so really it’s back to that, but AFTER. Well after, I’m going to continue to practice. Continue to read, write, meditate, eat healthy, and workout – all the shit you read about in those self help books. Again, that shit might not work for you. Find a routine (I know, it sounds like an ugly thing) that helps you win this battle against whatever you’re facing. You can’t just fucking sit there. I couldn’t. I had to get out. And I’m glad I did, even if it was just for 72 hours.
I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.