Tag: Thoughts

Random Thoughts/Early Morning

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s nice to see ya again! It’s been a minute. A lot has happened, a lot. My family and I are good again! My pops and I finally sat down and talked. Felt good – and I even got to go to church with my Ma because of it. Just in time! Nice.

OK, what to talk about this morning… well, to be honest, I decided to write because I fell asleep on the couch last night and I always wake up early when I do that. Oh, and my work programs are being slow, so I had really nothing else better to do than write to you.

I’ll never get tired of that rhyming.

With my dog at my feet, I feel secure today. Yet I know in a few hours everything will feel shaky, I’ll question every little thing I’m doing, and I’ll start to wonder when people will notice that I have no clue what I’m doing.

But do any of us have a fuckin’ clue about what we’re doing or are we just doing things the best we can? The best we can is right. And so far, the best I can give seems to be enough for many people – and I need to make sure it’s enough for me, too.

I think it is. I think I’m on the right track. I don’t believe I’m “going backwards” or anything like that, but it is hard to tell at times.

What else is on the mind… what else…

My stomach needs to figure it out. Seriously.

OK, what else, what else…

I don’t have much else. My dog gets therapy from my therapist on Friday. Hopefully I write about that right after it happens. Some type of locked emotion therapy? I don’t know – it’s free. I am so very interested to see if anything at all happens with my dog, or if this is just some weird/bogus attempt at therapy with animals. Either way, I bet my cute pup gets a treat at the end of it.

This was a terrible blog. Oh well. ON TO THE NEXT!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Each and every day we have here is different. There’s times when everything feels like a replay, but really, every single day is different.

We tell ourselves “no” often. Why? We hate hearing no from others.

I would like to move out of my hometown.

When’s the moment I stop thinking about certain people? How can I get closer to that moment in time?

I constantly need to remind myself about gratitude. Typing out that last sentence reminded me this time.

So what the hell was this? Airport thoughts, really. Maybe I need to start bringing my phone in the shower and typing out shower thoughts. That would be… interesting.

Welp, I’m off to Texas. Flight boards in just a few minutes. I’m gonna miss my pups! And the boxing gym. But I’ll be back Thursday. That’s a short, short trip. I should be fine, right? I will be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waiting at Vet

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Title is pretty self-explanatory. I’m at the vet. Both dogs getting juiced up with their yearly shots so I decided to write to you lot. Hopefully they’re drowsy the rest of the day, right? I could use a break from their energy.

So what’s on the agenda today? BOXING! And fixing up a boxing club that’s been in the community for 43 years. It’s a tremendous place run by one of the best men you could possibly meet. He’s run this club for FORTY THREE years. And it’s all been free for inner city kids to come box and compete out of there. You hear that? 43 years of service to community. All to help, not for money. Pretty damn cool.

Combat sports are cool. The community is even cooler. You would think we’re all jerks who want to beat everyone up, but it’s quite the opposite. Now put us in a ring with someone and yeah, we want to beat that person up. But I’ve never seen a more helpful and inclusive community than the boxing community here where I live.

I’m excited to go down there and paint some more, bullshit with the coaches, and give my boxers hell for messing up on the trim.

Today’s another busy day, but another good busy day. I’m excited for today. I hope you are, too. If you aren’t, think about volunteering some of your time. It’s never a wasteful act.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Fighting Your Toxic Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone!

Hope everyone is havin’ a fantastic Friday. It’s a beautiful day here in the Midwest, honestly it is. I love the Spring months here.

OK, “fighting your toxic thoughts”, what do I mean by that? Well, there’s a specific example happening right now with one of my boxers. As you lot know, I am all ears when it comes to mental health and love when my fighters feel they can express their darkest, most inner secrets. Most of the time it’s one thing they’re hiding from the outside world: their mental illness(es).

It’s crazy to me how people, still to this day, are embarrassed by their mental struggles. EVERYONE struggles slightly with the mentals. Do you struggle more? Maybe, but that’s not the point in this blog or in life.

One of my boxers trained with me 1:1 multiple times, I’m talking countless hours, yet the boxer still comes up with excuses like “Ah, my mind just won’t work today.” or “I’ve just felt like crying all day.” And these are VALID things to bring up to your coach, don’t get me wrong. But the way you attack this as a boxer, as an athlete, as a competitor, as a human, is to understand that yeah, my mind might be a little bitch sometimes, but I can do something about it. Can I change everything about it? Oh hell no, not even close, but I may be able to buy myself some time if I really focus those efforts on what I can change.

Even though we’re all here with mental illnesses, we can’t let that be our shield while getting back into the world. If so, you’re never truly back. We can’t let our mental health be an excuse, although sometimes valid, to not be the best we can fucking be.

Let’s beat this shit, people. You, me, all of us, we can do it. Focus on what you can control. Screw the rest. Know you’re the best. Holy shit, I rhymed right there.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Bar Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Racing Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes the mind just won’t shut up.

Majority of the time, time moves slow.

When you add up those two concretes in my life, things can get a bit dodgy. Half of the day I spend inside my own head – hell, probably more than half of the day. If someone’s not communicating with me or if I’m not neck deep in a show, book, or video game, there’s a good chance my mind is toying with itself. Also, there’s a good chance I’ve had 2,949,820,439 thoughts within a span of five minutes – mostly all bad, some tragic.

Oh! But it must be good to be such an active, critical thinker, right? WRONG. I don’t think about the world’s problems during these times, hell, sometimes I can’t even focus on what’s going on around me. My EEG results proved that this week. Boy, I do not recommend getting that exam done if you’re experiencing depression and/or anxiety in clumps. It just adds to the clump.

I have been somewhat eating recently, which is nice. I mean, mainly it’s a couple yogurt cups, a few protein shakes, and a lot of bananas – but hey, it’s something, & I’m up four pounds. I’m sure I’ll lose it again, but I just have to keep pushing.

What do you guys do when time seems to recycle itself? I feel like I’ve woken up in the exact same moment on the exact same day for the past three to four days. It isn’t fun. It’s quite the opposite. My psych this week told me, “You aren’t crazy, at least.” MAN, SHUT UP. I’m growing tired of psych appointments, I’ll be honest. They leave me in a poor mood & it’s starting to feel like a prescription factory.

Anyway, I don’t have much to write today. I just noticed that I haven’t written in a bit & it felt wrong to leave you lot stranded. I know a few of you read my stuff as soon as it comes out & I appreciate you for that. This blog is quite helpful along this journey.

BUT we’re not done! I have to finish with a positive. Maybe a couple today? Who knows, feelin’ wild.

Positive #1: I planted all of the bushes needed to make my house sellable. Sellable? Yeah, sellable. I think.

Positive #2: I’m doing well at work & other companies are noticing. It’s nice to see that others see more out of me than I currently do myself. Maybe they’re onto something.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Surprises Should Make Ya Think

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday I woke up dehydrated from the previous night. No, not from booze. It was 90 degrees (all humidity) & I played an INTENSE volleyball match in which we lost.

I then proceeded to hang out with a friend &, well, I ran out of gas. I drove an hour home & laid down, chugging as much water as I possibly could. Didn’t really help. Totally forgot about the usefulness of pickle juice.

Anyway, I was freaking out last night & yesterday morning not because I was dehydrated, but because my ex was coming over to pick up some stuff & say hi to the pup. What was the biggest surprise of it all? She stayed for close to 10 hours. Boy, did we have fun.

Am I worried about the fun we had? No. Am I worried about false hope? No. Did yesterday feel normal? Yes. That’s what I’m worried about. It felt normal, which felt good. Gotta push that to the back of my mind… or do I?

Today I’ve decided the best way to push it waaaaaay back into my mind is help my Pops with some manual labor. Building a deck, to be exact. He’ll do most of the work, I guarantee it, but I’ll do what I can. Maybe that’ll keep yesterday off my mind a bit more. Or will it? Should it matter?

But sometimes I think… why fight it? I had a great time yesterday, why push that away? I think it’s the surprise aspect of it all. I just didn’t expect it. Now it’s time to either internalize it, think on it, or act on it. I think the middle option seems the smartest, wouldn’t you agree?

Each day brings surprises, some bad, some good. Always take sufficient time to think on these surprises because, well, you didn’t have time to think about them before because, well, they’re surprises. Don’t get too high. Don’t get too low. It’s so very important.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waking Up Feeling* Empty

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know how to guide anyone on this topic. Really, I don’t. I’m scrambling myself right now trying to cope with the title of this blog. Each morning it feels like something new, but it’s almost impossible to pick out why I feel the way I feel from one day to the next. I’ll admit it, last night I felt empty as well. This morning? It’s amplified.

My initial thoughts this morning were along the lines of:
– What the fuck do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Meh, vacation is over. Back to my normal routine.
– I’ll be alone all day.
– At least I have my dogs.
– Will my dogs be enough?
– Holy shit what do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Will I be able to eat today?
– Can I go back to bed?
– This blog

As you can see, every one of those internal questions if begging an answer out of me. Asking me, “are you empty inside?” I can’t answer this question completely and truthfully. My best guess at this moment is sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. There’s really no rhyme or reason behind it any longer. And it is getting very, very tough.

When I was on vacation, I mostly thought of my limitations. I’ve always wanted to live in Boston, but a shitty house with an even more shitty backyard costs $1MM or above. How does anyone afford that, especially coming from the midwest? Yes, start small, I get it. But I have two giant dogs that keep me sane. I’m not leaving them behind.

I guess the only thing that’s helped me this morning is my routine. Jumping on the computer, typing out random shit, and answering a few work calls. It’s a weird mix to go from writing about emptiness, depression, anxiety to all of a sudden answering a call to discuss a sales deal I have in the works. It really is. Two completely different worlds. One real, one fake.

I’ve thought about asking for a leave of absence from my job as I work through these difficulties, but during COVID-19 that’s just an impossible ask. I’ve thought about doing an MBA, but I have no fucking money. I don’t want more debt. Yes, it’s an investment in yourself. I understand. But did you actually read what I wrote above? I’m at the point where I don’t feel like investing is my best bet. It’s all about survival right now.

I know this post probably doesn’t help you. Hell, it probably isn’t helping me. But I needed to put it out there. I needed a couple sets of eyes to see this, hear this, and hopefully use this as some sort of way to tell themselves “I’m not empty inside.” Because, well, most likely you aren’t. You probably just feel that way, similar to me. How do we snap out of it? I’m open to any suggestions. Really. Any suggestion.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

* emphasis on the feeling, not necessarily the possibile reality