Tag: Lost

Losing My Raw Side

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feels Like the End

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

This morning really hurt. There’s no real way to put it or make it clear, but I’m at my limit.

I can’t seem to get anything going. My happiness is dead in the water. I wrote about it yesterday but again, every day feels the damn same. Yes, progress can be made with routine, but I’m 30. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hate my line of work. I don’t gather as much enjoyment from boxing these days. I’ve reached my limit.

So what next? That’s what I’ve been asking myself all day. Obviously I have to keep working–don’t want to end up homeless. But how do I work well when I have zero passion in what I do?

How do I survive when I have zero passion for my life right now?

What the shit do I do to turn things around? Or am I stuck like this, forever? Will I always have one good day followed by a litter of bad days? I mean, I guess that’s how this whole blog started–read the damn name of the blog. Two Sides of Me. Shit, I’m beginning to think there’s 20 sides of me. And 19 of them aren’t good.

And not only does this impact me, but it makes me not want to interact with others because I’m just no damn good for anyone right now. I lash out, I attack, I am irritable. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here.

It does feel like the end. Will I quit? No. Do I want to? No. Is life unpredictable? Yes.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Coming to an End

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Don’t worry, this blog isn’t finished! However, I think I need to stop thinking about this streak a bit less (this will be 78 days in a row). It actually drives my anxiety up and with the way I’ve been feeling lately, that’s definitely not needed. Why has this been driving my anxiety up? It’s not the writing itself, but it’s the self-given obligation + not much material to write about. Like today, I don’t have anything for ya really. I played tennis with my Pops earlier, worked out, did a bunch of chores, and I coach later this evening. That’s it. My days are all the same. At least it feels that way. Always in a rush, always looking at the clock.

Want to know what my focus is? I want to make some money. I want to be comfortable enough where I can travel more and just do more. Right now my life is boring. I’m getting to the point where I’m not excited for anything again and it’s fucking scary. My passions are depleting and the repetitive motions are getting to me. What can I change? Myself, a bit. I can be a bit more aware of this feeling and try to combat it with practical ideas, such as doing more work on the weekends so I better set myself up for the week. I don’t know. I’m drowning. I’m 30 and lost. I’m fucking lost.

I’ll still write to you lot, I promise. Maybe not tomorrow but maybe tomorrow, who the hell knows.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waking Up Feeling* Empty

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know how to guide anyone on this topic. Really, I don’t. I’m scrambling myself right now trying to cope with the title of this blog. Each morning it feels like something new, but it’s almost impossible to pick out why I feel the way I feel from one day to the next. I’ll admit it, last night I felt empty as well. This morning? It’s amplified.

My initial thoughts this morning were along the lines of:
– What the fuck do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Meh, vacation is over. Back to my normal routine.
– I’ll be alone all day.
– At least I have my dogs.
– Will my dogs be enough?
– Holy shit what do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Will I be able to eat today?
– Can I go back to bed?
– This blog

As you can see, every one of those internal questions if begging an answer out of me. Asking me, “are you empty inside?” I can’t answer this question completely and truthfully. My best guess at this moment is sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. There’s really no rhyme or reason behind it any longer. And it is getting very, very tough.

When I was on vacation, I mostly thought of my limitations. I’ve always wanted to live in Boston, but a shitty house with an even more shitty backyard costs $1MM or above. How does anyone afford that, especially coming from the midwest? Yes, start small, I get it. But I have two giant dogs that keep me sane. I’m not leaving them behind.

I guess the only thing that’s helped me this morning is my routine. Jumping on the computer, typing out random shit, and answering a few work calls. It’s a weird mix to go from writing about emptiness, depression, anxiety to all of a sudden answering a call to discuss a sales deal I have in the works. It really is. Two completely different worlds. One real, one fake.

I’ve thought about asking for a leave of absence from my job as I work through these difficulties, but during COVID-19 that’s just an impossible ask. I’ve thought about doing an MBA, but I have no fucking money. I don’t want more debt. Yes, it’s an investment in yourself. I understand. But did you actually read what I wrote above? I’m at the point where I don’t feel like investing is my best bet. It’s all about survival right now.

I know this post probably doesn’t help you. Hell, it probably isn’t helping me. But I needed to put it out there. I needed a couple sets of eyes to see this, hear this, and hopefully use this as some sort of way to tell themselves “I’m not empty inside.” Because, well, most likely you aren’t. You probably just feel that way, similar to me. How do we snap out of it? I’m open to any suggestions. Really. Any suggestion.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

* emphasis on the feeling, not necessarily the possibile reality