Random Travel

Hi, everybody.

It’s probably been about 2 weeks since I last spoke to you. About par for the course nowadays and I quite like it. I also believe I start every single blog like this, too. Cons of not reading your own writing.

I’m traveling to Jersey, baby! Booked a random plane ticket the other night because I’m off work all week. Going to see my best friend – pretty stoked about some change. A bit of a break from the status quo is needed I believe. Of course I’ll miss my dog as I always do, but that’s about it. (I will my my folks – you know what I mean, people.)

When I head up to Jersey, I have no expectations and I’m again, excited about that. Similar to my Arizona trip a month or so back. However, this time I’m going single again. Oh, yeah, I’m back to being single. FOR LIFE, BABY! But that’s not a focus of mine and I don’t think it ever will be or should be. If it happens, it happens, but for now it’s time to do the things that my life is finally letting me do. I’ve worked hard to be able to travel without feeling like I might struggle to pay my mortgage a month or two later. It’s a weird thing to say, but that’s a huge achievement for me.

That’s key. Remember the big achievements for you. It’s been a while I think since I’ve built out a “lesson” in one of these blogs, but do remember that an achievement is only as big or as little as you perceive it to be. At least that’s what I think. I mean, that could go for a lot of things in life, but never judge yourself based on what’s around you. Who the shit knows what that person had to do compared to you to get that same result. That same achievement. The thing is, it’s never the same achievement. If I was to run the same marathon as you and finish at the exact same time, we both would achieve different things due to the journey that led us to that finish line. No, not the race, but the mental fortitude built through training and adversity.

Where the hell am I going right now?

Anyway, I think I made somewhat of a point. I think. Again, cons of not reading your own writing and kinda throwing up on the page: you don’t really remember much of what you wrote. This has been fun to blog, though. I’m excited for Jersey. I’m excited for what’s to come. For just getting dumped a few days back, it’s odd to be excited about anything. Maybe this blogging, therapy, meditation, etc., all this stuff actually does help the mental side.

I’m kidding. It definitely does. I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Now I can clear that damn Siri reminder.

Sleepy Blog

Hi, everybody.

You guessed it. Siri reminded me again.

I’ve had a weird couple of weeks since I last blogged. A lot of ups and downs. However, I did get a chance to disconnect and recharge while I visited Arizona with the girlfriend. It was a great trip – filled with hikes, legal cannabis, and amazing food. Also really, really good company. It was only a few days, but it was just what I needed. I would never, ever live in Arizona, though. Yes, it’s dry so it doesn’t “feel” hot. But it “feels” hot, still. People down there just don’t want to admit it.

Outside of a little trip, I’ve had issues with my boxing coach and future going forward. That’s still up in the air. Although I have been training twice a day and really focusing in – but I don’t really have a goal in front of me, and that’s a bit scary. I worry for the longevity of my passion.

A couple other things going on. I’m overwhelmed. With work, with my side work, with coaching, training, spending time with friends and the girlfriend, family… lacking sleep. It’s getting a bit much, but I can’t seem to cut out anything. If anything, I just keep adding more and more, which leads me into the final thing “going on” with me right now.

The girlfriend is going through some internal struggles and that’s causing doubt in her heart. We had a long conversation about it yesterday, and it has nothing to do with me according to her, but a lot to do with her family and how tied in she is with them. She feels trapped. This was one of the only times I’ve been able to look someone in the eyes and tell me, “I love you, so I want you to choose what makes you happy.” Anthony de Mello would be proud. She chose to be with me, and understand that I don’t need anything out of her. If anything at all, I want her to focus on herself and solely herself. I want my girlfriend back, not the person who’s attacking herself and belittling her achievements each and every day. And that starts with her focusing on herself and forgetting about me for a bit. I’m fine being on the back burner for someone I love.

Not a bad blog for a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 days. Not bad at all. Or maybe it’s really bad. I guess it’s all subjective, isn’t it.

Oh! My pup is doing awesome. Sleeping right now after a long walk and a bit of a jog. I don’t know why I’m adding this, I just wanted to?

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Birthday Blog

Hi, everybody.

It’s my birthday. It’s in my notes to write a blog, so I’m doing it. But it’s not what I want to do on my birthday, and really nothing I’ve done so far has been up to par with what I wanted my birthday to have.

But that’s what birthdays are: letdowns. Days that are built up to be something special, but really it’s just another day.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lots Going On

Hi, everybody.

How often do I write here now? Every two weeks? Three? I only write when I know I need it. Right now, I do.

Tomorrow I have a boxing match. This one is weird. I’m not engaged. I’m not excited. I just want to get it over with. Maybe I’m sick of competing? Maybe. Or maybe I just have too much stuff going on.

My full-time job is great, it really is. It’s a lot of work, but I’m valued and the pay shows it. Finally. But everything else in life? I don’t feel like I’m getting the value out of it. The NFT stuff, the coaching, and even at times my relationship. It feels like I give a lot of myself and don’t have much of myself by the end of the day. Does anyone else run into that problem?

Also, I feel like I’m running in circles chasing my own tail nowadays. I mean, not every day is the same day, but every day is filled with tasks from about 9 AM to midnight. It’s not healthy – and this goes for weekends, too. I haven’t been able to keep up with any news, watch any of my favorite sports teams, or really see much of my friends. I need help, but I’m stuck with these responsibilities and obligations. These commitments. My pops always told me commitments are important and it’s stuck with me. I don’t want to let anyone down, ever. I’ve done that so often throughout my life and it’s something I just don’t want to do again – especially if I can have control over it.

All that said, the audience I know is screaming “BALANCE, BALANCE!”, and believe me, I’m trying. Each day I wake up I tell myself I’m not going to give into this, I’m not going to do that, but my mind plagues me with “You’re a piece of shit if you don’t do what you told yourself you would do.”

Example? I want to take a nap right now but in my Siri reminders I had “Blog”. What am I doing now? Blogging. What will I be doing after blogging? Getting my laundry done. Will I nap? Probably not.

But maybe if I stop writing, especially now that I’ve been able to muster this aggression out of me and into an outlet like this, maybe I can take that nap. And guess what, I’m going to go do that now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Random Thoughts/Early Morning

Hi, everybody.

It’s nice to see ya again! It’s been a minute. A lot has happened, a lot. My family and I are good again! My pops and I finally sat down and talked. Felt good – and I even got to go to church with my Ma because of it. Just in time! Nice.

OK, what to talk about this morning… well, to be honest, I decided to write because I fell asleep on the couch last night and I always wake up early when I do that. Oh, and my work programs are being slow, so I had really nothing else better to do than write to you.

I’ll never get tired of that rhyming.

With my dog at my feet, I feel secure today. Yet I know in a few hours everything will feel shaky, I’ll question every little thing I’m doing, and I’ll start to wonder when people will notice that I have no clue what I’m doing.

But do any of us have a fuckin’ clue about what we’re doing or are we just doing things the best we can? The best we can is right. And so far, the best I can give seems to be enough for many people – and I need to make sure it’s enough for me, too.

I think it is. I think I’m on the right track. I don’t believe I’m “going backwards” or anything like that, but it is hard to tell at times.

What else is on the mind… what else…

My stomach needs to figure it out. Seriously.

OK, what else, what else…

I don’t have much else. My dog gets therapy from my therapist on Friday. Hopefully I write about that right after it happens. Some type of locked emotion therapy? I don’t know – it’s free. I am so very interested to see if anything at all happens with my dog, or if this is just some weird/bogus attempt at therapy with animals. Either way, I bet my cute pup gets a treat at the end of it.

This was a terrible blog. Oh well. ON TO THE NEXT!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Overdoing It?

Hi, everybody.

Yup, Siri reminded me.

I’m writing today about overdoing things. I think I write about this topic a lot so I must not be learning from myself, or I just like the pain. Either way, I need to figure something out.

I’ve been overloaded and overwhelmed for the past couple of months, but guess what? I took on another side gig/job. A fun one, don’t get me wrong, but more work. Do I need to give myself more work? I don’t think so, but something about me right now can’t say no to opportunity.

And maybe that’s how I look at the struggle of overdoing it. I have my eggs in like 12 baskets but maybe this is how I get to my singular goal of running my own boxing gym/community center one day. Just maybe.

Other than the daily hectic scramble, I’m a bit under the weather today. Although, everything else in my life is going pretty damn great. I won my last boxing match last week, I fight again in 8 days, my career is going well, and my relationships with my girlfriend and mother have improved each day. I’m really starting to feel the growth in my life.

I’m a bit sleepy. Thanks for popping in and reading this thing. It means quite a bit to me that I still have some followers on here and people that take time to read about my life. Feel free to comment below something you would like to share (if you want).

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Enjoying Passage of Time

Hi, everybody.

It’s in my reminders to write today. I’m kind of forcing it, but I do need to get out some thoughts. I have lunch with my mother in just a bit, so this will be short!

So tomorrow I box again. I’m on a losing streak, 2 losses in a row, but I am confident moving into this fight. Why? I’ve trained my ass off and I’ve been able to relax and have fun in the ring again, which allows me to think about what I’m doing and execute it.

Other than that, my life is a hell of a mess. I work about 7 AM to 10 PM right now and it’s killing me. I’m not getting enough sleep. My eating habits are not the best. But I have been better at lashing out at people. I’ve done better communicating how I feel about certain things and not placing blame. I’ve had a lot of positives happen, just not much time to think about them.

Maybe that’s my next thing I should do. Sit down and write a list of things that I’m proud of doing over the past couple of months. Maybe that will provide some perspective to oppose this burnout I’m feeling.

Who the hell knows. Life is weird. And for all I know, life is just about enjoying the passage of time – and I need to a do a better job at that.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Losing My Raw Side

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Do It for Free

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know, I don’t write that often. Maybe I don’t want to write for free, alright?

BOOM. Already hit the title. Look at me goooooo.

OK, back to it. I’ve spent a significant amount of my time recently doing things that don’t bring me any income. It’s been great. Am I being sarcastic? Hell no. Value doesn’t come down to monetary alone. Value comes from so much more. I work on an NFT project and right now it’s not bringing much money in. Why? Well, we aren’t releasing anything. It’s more about keeping the community together as we build. And guess what? It’s been just as much fun as it was when we were making money.

It’s weird. Do the things you like with the people you love and you might find yourself in a good spot. I should always do that, shouldn’t I? Well, I’ve been doing it with boxing, too. Only coaching those who bring value into my life and only boxing when it drives that same value into my life. Boom, winner.

Work? Well, yes, I get paid for that. But the company I joined in November brings value into my life. Outside of the money deposited into my account, I get SO MUCH from my coworkers, the environment, and the day-to-day work. I love it.

So yeah, don’t do shit for free. Do shit that puts value directly in your life. You’ll thank yourself for it. And I’m thanking myself for writing this. It brought value to me, whether you believe it or not!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Fighting This Weekend

Hi, everybody.

My confidence isn’t sky high for my fight this upcoming weekend. And it has nothing to do with my boxing skill – which is a good thing.

However, I’ve been quite unsure of myself over the past couple of weeks. I can’t pick out why. It feels like I’m losing a lot of what’s built me up to this point.

But on to the fight – I get to fight the #1 guy in the state in my weight class. I’m pumped about that. Today I need to rest my body and make sure I’m on weight. Easy enough.

But tonight, what do I do? My sleeping habits have been poor, my eating habits not much better, and I’m exhausting myself each and every day. I need to let this negativity pass through me and go from there.

See, the power of writing. Just let the solution come to you. Try it sometime.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.