To Get Back in the Swing Of Things

Hi, everybody!

My apologies it’s been so long since my last post. It’s been quite a hectic week since I’ve been back from Florida.

  • Strained my thigh muscle by being overcompetitive and not stretching
  • Strained my trapezius muscle by sleeping incorrectly… or something? I still can’t figure it out
  • Overbooked myself with boxing coaching
  • Puppy ripped up two couches
  • Went to the ER after eight hours of constant, writhing stomach pain and it looks like it was just constipation and/or gas
  • Tomorrow I have a root canal consultation

And I turn 30 next month. But we can look at a positive here. And it’s a big one: I’m still here, I’m still writing.

So I’m writing today because 1) I’ve been meaning to and 2) this helps me. I really wish I had more to type. I could call out my buddy, the only real life friend that knows of this blog, for calling me a hypochondriac earlier today. MAYBE I am just a tad bit, but I still stand behind this: The doctor diagnosed these things. So suck it, dude.

Anyway, I hope to be back with you lot much more often moving forward. I start my new job on Monday! Pumped. Kinda scared, but pumped.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back Home

Hi, everybody!

I’m back! My dogs love it. I have a 40 second clip of them freaking the hell out when I got home. One of my friends tells me one of my dogs sings when I get home. I don’t know if I’d call that singing, but eh, she’s definitely happy. I also have a picture of a completely destroyed couch which I noticed AFTER all of the excitement. Oh well. One is just a puppy. That’ll happen.

That’s not to say I didn’t flip a biscuit a bit when I saw the couch. Luckily I was home so I was able to collect myself, then head to the gym to let out some frustrations that arose from airport people and well, the couch.

But man, it feels good to be back. I know I finally have a “home”. My last house and location didn’t feel like home. This does. It’s a good feeling.

Now I move into a week of nothing but boxing. I don’t start my new job till the 19th, so I’m planning on making next week very, very fun. Lots of reading, maybe some hiking, and definitely dog parks. I’m excited. Oh, and I won’t wake up till at the latest 8 AM. Probably closer to 9 AM like I did today. Feels good.

So now being back home, even if I was only gone for a short time, I need to catch up with some things. Check my finances, pay some bills, clean the house, do laundry, etc., but I get to do this all at home. I’m excited about that.

I’m excited for a lot of things, really. If you would have asked me what I’m excited about six months ago, I would’ve been speechless. It’s a priceless feeling to be excited, especially about so many things.

I really don’t have much to touch on today. I really do hope you’re taking good care of yourself. Taking action when needed and giving yourself a break when needed. Balance is very important. I know, I know, it’s hard for people like us to find balance. But it’s not impossible.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Trouble Brewing

Hi, everybody.

Welp, the trip isn’t going as planned. I’m having issues sleeping, issues eating, issues being nice, and well, just everything.

I’ve turned back into an absolute jerk. Why? Can’t really pinpoint it. I think I didn’t *need* this vacation. Hell, I don’t know if I even wanted it. I miss my boxers. I miss my dogs. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I finally got back on track.

I did move my flight back up one day. Thankfully. No, this isn’t failure. This is me trying to solve the problem. Or avoid it? Who the fuck knows. I’m lonely here.

Yeah, it’s only a few day trip, but every single moment for an individual who struggles with depression and anxiety feels 25x longer than your average dude.

My nightmares returned. Sleepless nights full of sweat. I didn’t miss these.

I set a reminder to write a blog yesterday. It popped up again today and I moved it back again. Then I just decided to fucking write. I don’t think it’s doing much, but at least I’m heard here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Off To Florida! Routine Threatened?

Hi, everybody!

Tomorrow I head to Florida. Family trip. Pretty pumped, don’t get to do this too often. Won’t have my computer but I’ll try to post from my phone if I think about it.

And yes, I promise, I am pretty pumped. Am I a bit worried? Not really, but kind of. I’m leaving my routine for a week, which is going to be a bit odd. Now, my routine does shift throughout the week, but the meat of it stays the same. This next week, everything will change. I’ll be around my parents often, which is always a challenge for me. It’s nothing to do with them. It’s everything to do with me. I need to stay aware of that while I’m gone.

But I always tell you lot we can’t spend our time worrying. We can’t focus on just the negatives. We can’t. We’ll go mad. We’ll have to start a blog just to keep our head above water… oh, wait.

The positives? Plenty. You want to know what I can’t wait to do? Jump rope in beautiful weather with water around me. Run in the sand. Shadow box in the sand. Try new training exercises with natural resistance.

“BUT IT’S A VACATION!”

Exactly. That means I can do what I want with my own time (which should really happen all the time, not just vacation). Right now, what makes me happiest is training myself both physically and mentally. I plan to continue to do that while I’m on vacation. Looks like the meat of the routine isn’t threatened whatsoever.

It took writing to understand that. Ain’t that beautiful? I had a question to start with and through writing, I was able to figure out an answer. Fuck, I love this shit. It’s amazing what we can do ourselves even when we’re worried, scared, in fear. Trust yourself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Spurts

We all go on spurts. Gambling spurts, traveling spurts, spurts of depression, etc..

Do you know what a spurt is? If not, here’s how Oxford Languages defines it: A sudden marked burst or increase of activity or speed.

A sudden burst equaling increased activity. For a guy like me, a guy who willingly plunges under the covers to throw away two hours just to get rid of those two hours, spurts can be day-changing. I’m going to hold back from saying “life-changing” for now… unless I can continue to ride this spurt till the sun comes up.

Anyway, what can a spurt do, you ask?

Since really getting going at 10 AM (now 7:30 PM), I’ve…

  • Written this blog (easy one)
  • Really struggling to recall now…
  • Oh, I put together a rough 10-year plan for my lifelong dream
  • Studied hyphens & I still have no fucking clue how they really work, like really WTF’s up with those
  • Demolished some spreadsheet stuff from work I put off for the past… four or so months
  • Took a COVID test (doesn’t bother me – not that I’m some tough guy, but… yeah, doesn’t bother me, not that I’m a tough guy or anything…)
  • Took the dogs on TWO, not one, but TWO walks
  • Showered (that’s a regular occurence, I swear)
  • Last night I took a woman out to look at lights (don’t worry, she had COVID like a week ago. She’s immune, they say – for now)
  • That last bullet sounded evil
  • Ooh, phrasing
  • OK, let’s get back on track, I cooked dinner for the folks (bacon, eggs to order, hash browns)
  • About to workout here on the living room floor (currently on COVID watch so can’t head to the gym)

OK, way too much information there. One of you shoulda said something. Tell me to shut up, cmon!

Hey, on a serious note, I hope you find spurts here or there on more occasions. Don’t be afraid to turn off once you feel your brain melting a bit. It’s always OK to rest. After a while, we can turn those spurts into some consistency. Hopefully, right?

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Moving Out

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Today Feels Different

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I feel pretty damn good today. It feels like a new day with actual opportunities in front of me. It feels like a new week with plenty planned out to keep me busy. I feel refreshed, I’m back to eating, & I’ve had a couple good gym sessions in the past couple of days.

Again, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I feel pretty damn good.

What’s brought me to this point? Probably a mixed bag of my travels, my friends, my dogs, & my general awareness of my mental health. The normal stuff. It feels good… for a lack of better term… to feel normal again. The bags are gone from under my eyes, my smile is back, & I’m back to singing in Zoom meetings.

Again, can’t get ahead of myself.

Today I get to see one of my best friend’s newborn child for the very first time in person. Am I pumped? Hell yes I’m pumped. Oh, there’s a great soccer match on later today, too. Am I pumped for that? Hell yes I’m pumped. Would I have been pumped last week, or hell, even two days ago? No, but things change. Sometimes drastically.

Can’t get ahead of myself.

Ah, screw it. I’m happy today. That’s what matters. Live in the damn moment, will ya?!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reflections: Flying Home

I’m sitting in a Burger King right now. Checked in for my flight, head home here in just an hour or so.

What has this trip meant to me?

I originally embarked on this trip filled with zero expectations. I think I managed that. I never set anything in stone on things I had to get done, places I had to see, or people I had to meet. I did a good job on that.

However, I don’t know why I feel like I didn’t do enough this trip. It could have something to do with my crippling depression & constant need for naps throughout the trip to pass some time. But when I think about those naps, they managed to get me through some really tough mental moments.

I leave Maine knowing I saw what I could see. I ventured out as much as I could. I did give it my all. Now I head home without an ounce of knowledge on what to do next, & that’s a scary thought.

My parents will be there for me. My dogs will be there for me.

What did I learn about myself this trip? I still have a knack for meeting strangers and befriending them. That’s good to know. Maybe when I get back home it’ll be time to head back out to bars, to head back out & just talk with people. Maybe I’ll make some new friends. Maybe I’ll rekindle friendships with those that I’ve put aside recently due to my mental state.

This was a positive trip. I maybe cried a bit more than I’d care to admit, but I did something I didn’t think was possible for me. Hell, I thought I might drive off a cliff when I was heading up & down Cadillac Mountain, I was that poor off. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Fighting. Living somewhat, but mostly fighting.

I can’t wait to see my dogs. I can’t wait to be in my own bed. I am excited for what’s next. I’m proud to feel that way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.