Moving Out

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Today Feels Different

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I feel pretty damn good today. It feels like a new day with actual opportunities in front of me. It feels like a new week with plenty planned out to keep me busy. I feel refreshed, I’m back to eating, & I’ve had a couple good gym sessions in the past couple of days.

Again, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I feel pretty damn good.

What’s brought me to this point? Probably a mixed bag of my travels, my friends, my dogs, & my general awareness of my mental health. The normal stuff. It feels good… for a lack of better term… to feel normal again. The bags are gone from under my eyes, my smile is back, & I’m back to singing in Zoom meetings.

Again, can’t get ahead of myself.

Today I get to see one of my best friend’s newborn child for the very first time in person. Am I pumped? Hell yes I’m pumped. Oh, there’s a great soccer match on later today, too. Am I pumped for that? Hell yes I’m pumped. Would I have been pumped last week, or hell, even two days ago? No, but things change. Sometimes drastically.

Can’t get ahead of myself.

Ah, screw it. I’m happy today. That’s what matters. Live in the damn moment, will ya?!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reflections: Flying Home

I’m sitting in a Burger King right now. Checked in for my flight, head home here in just an hour or so.

What has this trip meant to me?

I originally embarked on this trip filled with zero expectations. I think I managed that. I never set anything in stone on things I had to get done, places I had to see, or people I had to meet. I did a good job on that.

However, I don’t know why I feel like I didn’t do enough this trip. It could have something to do with my crippling depression & constant need for naps throughout the trip to pass some time. But when I think about those naps, they managed to get me through some really tough mental moments.

I leave Maine knowing I saw what I could see. I ventured out as much as I could. I did give it my all. Now I head home without an ounce of knowledge on what to do next, & that’s a scary thought.

My parents will be there for me. My dogs will be there for me.

What did I learn about myself this trip? I still have a knack for meeting strangers and befriending them. That’s good to know. Maybe when I get back home it’ll be time to head back out to bars, to head back out & just talk with people. Maybe I’ll make some new friends. Maybe I’ll rekindle friendships with those that I’ve put aside recently due to my mental state.

This was a positive trip. I maybe cried a bit more than I’d care to admit, but I did something I didn’t think was possible for me. Hell, I thought I might drive off a cliff when I was heading up & down Cadillac Mountain, I was that poor off. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Fighting. Living somewhat, but mostly fighting.

I can’t wait to see my dogs. I can’t wait to be in my own bed. I am excited for what’s next. I’m proud to feel that way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

The “Final” Day of Maine

I leave tomorrow, but tomorrow is mostly filled with plane travel. Long, long trip back to the good ol’ Midwest. Let’s go over some of the highlights of yesterday.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve struggled throughout this trip, but I’ve had some bright moments.

I met a friend, & she’s going through similar things that I’m going through. We initially got together for sex, but that soon changed. She’s become a friend in a very short period of time & I’m happy to say that I think we’ll stay in contact going forward. It’s always nice to run into genuine people. Believe me, there’s more out there than ya think. Talk to people, listen to people, you’ll be surprised.

A few things about Portland, Maine, if you ever make it out here.

  • It’s an amazing town with plenty of culture, plenty of good food, & plenty of cute dogs.
  • If you love breakfast foods, make sure to stop by Hot Suppa on Congress St. – flippin’ amazing.
  • Watch out for the park – I guess Portland shut down many of the homeless shelters here during the pandemic. You’ll run into quite a few folks that want nothing more than your wallet & to yell profanities at you. Be careful, but be caring.
  • Ask the locals for advice on where to go next, where to eat, where to grab a drink, & where to go next.
  • Get a lobster. I’m telling you, you can’t go wrong with a lobster up here. (Pictures to follow)
  • Take pictures. It’s such a cute town with so much history. Oh! Head down to Cape Elizabeth. Just a 20 minute drive or so.
  • Make sure you go to Peaks Island. It’s just a 20 minute ferry ride & wow, the views are something else. (Pictures to follow)

As for where I’m heading next for my final night, I really don’t know. I would like to find a cabin & finally disconnect like I mentioned at the start of this trip. It’s been hard to disconnect because of my mental strength right now, but I’ve been doing my best. That’s all we can ever ask for, & it’s good to remind yourself of that from time to time.

A trip by myself might not have been the smartest choice. I could’ve used some company while up here, but I made the most of it. Always make the most of it. Get out of bed when you’re feeling down. Get outside. Just start walking – you’ll find something to take your mind off of things, even if it’s just for a moment. That moment means more than the rest of the day combined.

Well, looks like my breakfast is coming right up. Time for me to sign off. I don’t know how much I’ll write when I get back, really I don’t. I’m starting to fade more & more each day. My anxiety is through the roof at all times & I can’t seem to fight it much anymore. I hope some fight comes back in me. I also hope that I can gain some weight back soon, it’s getting scary to look at myself in the mirror. I feel weak both mentally & physically. Can’t wait to try the gym again when I’m back home. I also can’t wait to see my dogs. Boy, do I miss them.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Ferry ride to Peaks Island, ME from Casco Bay Ferry Lines
View from the restaurant on Peaks Island (Wow)
Night ferry ride from Peaks Island, ME to Portland, ME
Lobstah from Peaks Island (sorry, buddy)

Maine Fun Facts & PICTURES!

Hi, everybody!

I went to a place this week where the sun hits first in the USA. Pretty dang cool. It’s called Cadillac Mountain, nestled in Acadia State Park, & I highly suggest you try to make it up there at some point in your life. The air, the wind, the sunlight, & most importantly the quiet is really something to make you appreciate the world we live in. Don’t worry, I’ll put some photos down below so you can take a look for yourself.

Did you know Maine provides about 90% of the lobster distributed throughout the USA? I didn’t, & today I’ll be trying my first bite in Portland, Maine. To be honest, I’m not huge on lobster. So far I’ve devoured bolognese, fish & chips, & a few other items not specific to Maine. I don’t have any regrets yet & I hope to not have any by the time I leave.

This trip hasn’t been all sunflowers & daisies, though. I’ve had my struggles. Being alone in a new place is always a struggle, but day after day you tend to get better. The more decisions you make for you, the better off you usually are. I’ve finally figured that out. Finally.

I’ve also had some bumps & bruises with Airbnb, but let’s not get into that. PLEASE, let’s not get into that.

Did you know that Maine is the number one provider of blueberries in the USA? I just missed out on blueberry season, so I’ve had to settle with strawberries. These little pockets of sugar are FANTASTIC. Highly recommend.

Outside of that, Maine is kind of a… slow-moving place. I’ve asked locals what to do & they usually respond with “go to the coast”. Well, pretty much everywhere in Maine is the coast. Did you know that Maine has more coastline than California? Crazy, innit?

Mind you, I’ve still yet to see the state bird. I know I posted a few weeks back which state bird it is, but honestly forgot till about right now! I’ll keep my eyes peeled for a sighting.

This trip is about restoration. It’s about getting out of my comfort zone & surviving, thriving, whatever. It’s really about learning how to take deep breaths again.

Deep breaths are so very important. I was able to meditate atop the Cadillac Mountain & wow, was that an experience. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt connected to nature. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go all hippy on you. Deep breaths are so, so very important.

My anxiety’s picked up a bit since I’ve been out here, but that was to be expected. The deep breaths help. I hope to find more of those today as I travel throughout Portland and other southern parts of Maine.

Oh! The locals are extremely friendly & nice. Keep that in mind if you make a solo trip out here. When in doubt, when tired, when beat up, strike up a conversation with a local Mainer. I haven’t been disappointed yet.

I’m off to get some breakfast & coffee! I have a list that tells me… Bards Coffee is the best coffee in Portland & Hot Suppa or Local 188 are the best spots for breakfast. We’ll just have to see about that, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Portland Headlight Lighthouse in Cape Elizabeth
Airbnb in Camden, ME
Cadillac Mountain (West Trail) in Bar Harbor, ME

It’s Been a Minute

Hey, everyone!

It’s been a while. I do apologize. I’ve been in the shit.

However! Tomorrow I head off to Maine for eight days. Very, very pumped about it. It’s time for a trip filled with restoration & almost no expectations. It’s really freeing to have something like this booked. A week on the river, right by the ocean, just a couple kayaks & me. I have a rental car to skedaddle anywhere I want in the state & who knows where that will be!

So let’s talk about the shit. I haven’t posted in a week, why? Well, like I said, I’ve been in the shit. Self-motivation? Big fat NOPE. Self-care? Big fat NOPE. Crying? Big fat YES. But things change. They do. This week had shitty weather anyway, maybe it’s not even my fault. One thing I do know: Who cares! We have another day to live tomorrow, another breath to take right now, & another smile to unearth sometime soon, hopefully.

What am I going to do on my trip? Disconnect. I will have to work, but I’ve told my team that I will be delegating quite a bit of my workload next week. They understand. It’s nice to have coworkers that understand (they won’t understand unless you’re honest about your situation – try that sometime). I have a list concocted by a work acquaintance of the best street to shop in a certain city in Maine, the best trails, the best foods, the best everything. Very excited to use that resource as somewhat of a compass throughout the trip. Props to the person that cared enough to share the list, right? Some good people out there.

Most importantly, I’m going to be doing nothing. Not nothing in the sense of just sitting on the couch like I’ve been doing this week, but nothing in the sense of expectations. Sometimes those pesky expectations weigh you down, drive guilt into your cranium, and make that heart puff up to the point of uncomfortability. I’m getting away from that next week & I cannot wait.

Will I write next week? Most likely. I tend to write when I do quite a bit of thinking, & I believe I’ll be doing quite a bit of thinking. I mean, it is just me & some kayaks.

I’m bringing four to five books with me, all untouched. If I don’t like the first few pages, bang!, I’m discarding the book. Well, maybe, they’re quite expensive. My point is: I’m doing what I want next week. Nothing more, nothing less, & that feels AMAZING to type out.

I hope you lot had a fantastic week. I hope to be on here more, writing my own shit & reading some of your great posts.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back to Base

As I sit here writing this, I don’t know quite what to say. Should I recap the trip? Should I tell you all how I felt throughout the trip? Does any of that matter now that I’m about to board the next flight to O’Hare? Do you guys really think I have nothing to say? Something will be typed out. Let’s just see if it can stay on path, but both you and I highly doubt that.

Of course that all matters (the trip, how I felt, does it matter, etc.). However, my mind is stuck on heading back home. And not all for good reasons. I do get to reunite with my dogs, B & L, but outside of that I am heading back to an empty home, and that always scares me. I’ll miss having my best friend in the next room, especially with what I’ve been going through recently.

I mean, you guys have seen it. I’m a goddamn rollercoaster. One day it’s “Man, I don’t know how I’m going to do this shit” to “Wow, life is great! You never know how great it is till it slaps you in the face.” I mean, I need some consistency there, don’t I? And today is the former. Today I feel… bad. And I can’t figure out why. I’m not exactly sad to be heading back home, but I still feel it. But I’ll get out of this slump. Mornings are always difficult.

Again, that’s the thing. As long as I keep writing this, well… really as long as I keep thinking about how difficult things can be for me, the more aware I am of how to get out of the shits. I thought getting away would help. It did, but only for a few hours a day. But hey, that’s better than nothing.

Go take that risk. Get away from what you’re comfortable from. It’s always there for you to come back to – that’s why it’s fucking comfortable. But for me, and I don’t know about you, remember that, it’s never great to be stagnant. This trip broke me out of a streak of stagnation.

Now? Now it’s back to the drawing board. Well, I have a shit ton of work I left behind so really it’s back to that, but AFTER. Well after, I’m going to continue to practice. Continue to read, write, meditate, eat healthy, and workout – all the shit you read about in those self help books. Again, that shit might not work for you. Find a routine (I know, it sounds like an ugly thing) that helps you win this battle against whatever you’re facing. You can’t just fucking sit there. I couldn’t. I had to get out. And I’m glad I did, even if it was just for 72 hours.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waking Up in an Unfamiliar Place

If you read my blog from yesterday morning, you would know I’m currently on vacation. I’m doing my best to call it a vacation, but this morning proved to me it’s also a challenge. And a big one at that.

I messed up RIGHT AWAY in this challenge. I texted my ex this morning once I woke up. I don’t know if I dreamed about something (never can remember my dreams) or something just took control over me, but I did it. And I regret it. She’s on an island right now – I’m in some random apartment in Boston. Big difference there, eh? Be more positive, I know.

OK, let’s get to the topic at hand. Sorry, had to let a little bit out of what I’m going through this morning, and I guess that ties into the subject matter of this morning: Waking up in a new place (with anxiety, depression, etc., but you all know where this is going, why do I keep explaining myself?).

Waking up in a new place is never easy for those that suffer from mental illness or lack essential mental awareness. I mean, shit, the yoga meditation I use to fall asleep took me THREE times last night. I usually knock out in five minutes (the meditation is 18 minutes). It was tough. I woke up at 6 AM and didn’t have the balls to get out of bed for another two hours. I knew this morning would be tough. I didn’t think it’d be this tough. I knew I’d have to pull out my computer and start typing so I can get through this shi. Why? Because I can’t be a depressed piece of shit all day long. That’s no vacation. That’s imprisoning myself.

So how do I snap out of it? Well, right here is a good start. Honestly taking my meds is another good start. So, I’m 2/2 so far. What else? I’m racking my brain here and finding nothing, so if you have any input, I’d much appreciate it.

Massachusetts allows recreational cannabis. I mean, that could be an option. If I go to a dispensary, we can count that as 3/3, right?

All jokes aside (that last question wasn’t a joke, who am I kidding?), I feel kinda fucked this morning. I’m sure I’ll snap out of it, whatever that means. I always do at some point in the day. And that’s what I look forward to, but you want to know the healthiest shit you can do when you’ve woken up distressed about God knows what? Soak in it. Embrace it. Take it in. Let the thoughts come and go. It fucking hurts, I know. I know it hurts. But you have to let those thoughts in or else they’ll come back ten times harder the next time.

So next time you find yourself waking up in an unfamiliar area, remember there are things you can do to help make it feel right. And it always starts with you.

Also, yes, I know this wasn’t my best work. You don’t have to critique me, I can handle that on my own.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Update: We ended up getting invited to a beach house in Cape Cod. Told ya, just keep living and shit works out.

Let Yourself Live

Right now I sit with a very, very heavy mask on my face. I think it’s a smidge too big for my face, so excuse me if I have a mistype or two. Can’t really see right now.

I sit next to, well six feet from, many people I’ve never met before. Today I’m off to Massachusetts to enjoy Boston, a city I’ve never been to, and spend time with my best friend. Is it a bit scary right now when I’m in such a weird time in my life? Hell yes. Did I almost (I definitely did) cry as I left my dogs with my parents? Hell yes. But what’s important is I’m taking a slight risk to get out of my bubble. To get away from my routine. That’s important.

Why is it important? Well, if you keep doing the same shit, you’re gonna keep living in that same shit. It’s important to switch it up sometimes, even if you’re in the middle of a pandemic. Yeah, the place I’m going may not offer everything it normally would, but my little home offers less, I’ll tell ya that.

Please remember, no matter what, even when you’re thinking life is absolute shit: Make sure you live. Make sure you take chances. Make sure you do stuff that scares you. Facing a fear is one of the most empowering actions people like us can take.

I promise by the end of whatever you decide to take a risk on, you won’t have a single regret. Except maybe one or two drunken nights where you may or may not have told a random person to fuck off. I mean, there’s slight regret there, but we’re not perfect. I know that. You know that.

Live your life, no matter what fear tells you to do. Take that chance. It’s fucking worth it.

Ope! We’re boarding. Time to go.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Update: Of course I’m the one chosen to “voluntarily” check my bag.