Morning Thoughts

Hi, everybody!

Each and every day we have here is different. There’s times when everything feels like a replay, but really, every single day is different.

We tell ourselves “no” often. Why? We hate hearing no from others.

I would like to move out of my hometown.

When’s the moment I stop thinking about certain people? How can I get closer to that moment in time?

I constantly need to remind myself about gratitude. Typing out that last sentence reminded me this time.

So what the hell was this? Airport thoughts, really. Maybe I need to start bringing my phone in the shower and typing out shower thoughts. That would be… interesting.

Welp, I’m off to Texas. Flight boards in just a few minutes. I’m gonna miss my pups! And the boxing gym. But I’ll be back Thursday. That’s a short, short trip. I should be fine, right? I will be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Control The Controllable

Hi, everybody.

I wanted to take this time to shoot you a quick reminder that you can only control what you can control. Everything else? Don’t stress on it.

I had to tell myself this multiple times this week as I work from home and continuously have internet issues that could in end cost me my job. However, it’s out of my control. Instead of freaking out, I am finding solutions. Oh, and I got the two free months of internet out of complaining, HA!

But seriously, don’t stress yourself with things outside of you. It’s not worth it. It’s not healthy. Treat yourself right.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pop’s Day

Hi, everybody.

Happy Pop’s Day to all you wonderful fathers out there. You are appreciated, very appreciated.

Right now I’m in my parent’s living room. Typing here on my phone. I don’t have much to say—I’m just grateful. I’m grateful to have such a wonderful family and a Pops that’s always supported me.

My Pops never told me who to be. He let me be me, even if I was shitting the bed there for a bit. My Pops never tried to influence how I thought. He knew I understood right v. wrong, it just took me a bit to put that knowledge into action.

I feel like my Pops has always had trust in me. And that means the world to me. He’s the best damn man on this planet, he really is. I’m grateful to have him. I am grateful to spend part of this day with him.

I hope you get a chance to hug or high-five your Pops today. If you don’t have a father, please forgive me. To all those celebrating, enjoy your day. Show gratitude.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Mother’s Day Post

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

House in Order

Hi, everybody.

If you’ve kept with me over these past nine or so months I’ve been blogging, you probably noticed my life has been an utter mess for… well, over nine months. Well, it’s starting to come together. Wanna know how I know? Things are slowing down for me. The work isn’t slowing down, but my worries and insecurities have shed from me. It’s a good feeling to have.

How did I get to this point? Shit, I don’t know. I think it was just perseverance and putting the right people around me at the right times. Or it was just simply life playing itself out. I try not to think about it too much. I’m just happy I made progress.

So what sparked this blog topic? My office is put together! New desk, my favorite bookcase, my grandma’s old plant stand, a hanging plant in the window, my mini basketball hoop (yeah so what if I’m almost 30), and a yoga mat + roller. I’m very happy in this room. I’m very happy in this house. You could say… my house is in order.

I’m sorry for that. That was so lame. But I got nothing else for you today. That’s where I’m leaving it. I’ll be better next time, maybe.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

To Get Back in the Swing Of Things

Hi, everybody!

My apologies it’s been so long since my last post. It’s been quite a hectic week since I’ve been back from Florida.

  • Strained my thigh muscle by being overcompetitive and not stretching
  • Strained my trapezius muscle by sleeping incorrectly… or something? I still can’t figure it out
  • Overbooked myself with boxing coaching
  • Puppy ripped up two couches
  • Went to the ER after eight hours of constant, writhing stomach pain and it looks like it was just constipation and/or gas
  • Tomorrow I have a root canal consultation

And I turn 30 next month. But we can look at a positive here. And it’s a big one: I’m still here, I’m still writing.

So I’m writing today because 1) I’ve been meaning to and 2) this helps me. I really wish I had more to type. I could call out my buddy, the only real life friend that knows of this blog, for calling me a hypochondriac earlier today. MAYBE I am just a tad bit, but I still stand behind this: The doctor diagnosed these things. So suck it, dude.

Anyway, I hope to be back with you lot much more often moving forward. I start my new job on Monday! Pumped. Kinda scared, but pumped.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back Home

Hi, everybody!

I’m back! My dogs love it. I have a 40 second clip of them freaking the hell out when I got home. One of my friends tells me one of my dogs sings when I get home. I don’t know if I’d call that singing, but eh, she’s definitely happy. I also have a picture of a completely destroyed couch which I noticed AFTER all of the excitement. Oh well. One is just a puppy. That’ll happen.

That’s not to say I didn’t flip a biscuit a bit when I saw the couch. Luckily I was home so I was able to collect myself, then head to the gym to let out some frustrations that arose from airport people and well, the couch.

But man, it feels good to be back. I know I finally have a “home”. My last house and location didn’t feel like home. This does. It’s a good feeling.

Now I move into a week of nothing but boxing. I don’t start my new job till the 19th, so I’m planning on making next week very, very fun. Lots of reading, maybe some hiking, and definitely dog parks. I’m excited. Oh, and I won’t wake up till at the latest 8 AM. Probably closer to 9 AM like I did today. Feels good.

So now being back home, even if I was only gone for a short time, I need to catch up with some things. Check my finances, pay some bills, clean the house, do laundry, etc., but I get to do this all at home. I’m excited about that.

I’m excited for a lot of things, really. If you would have asked me what I’m excited about six months ago, I would’ve been speechless. It’s a priceless feeling to be excited, especially about so many things.

I really don’t have much to touch on today. I really do hope you’re taking good care of yourself. Taking action when needed and giving yourself a break when needed. Balance is very important. I know, I know, it’s hard for people like us to find balance. But it’s not impossible.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Trouble Brewing

Hi, everybody.

Welp, the trip isn’t going as planned. I’m having issues sleeping, issues eating, issues being nice, and well, just everything.

I’ve turned back into an absolute jerk. Why? Can’t really pinpoint it. I think I didn’t *need* this vacation. Hell, I don’t know if I even wanted it. I miss my boxers. I miss my dogs. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I finally got back on track.

I did move my flight back up one day. Thankfully. No, this isn’t failure. This is me trying to solve the problem. Or avoid it? Who the fuck knows. I’m lonely here.

Yeah, it’s only a few day trip, but every single moment for an individual who struggles with depression and anxiety feels 25x longer than your average dude.

My nightmares returned. Sleepless nights full of sweat. I didn’t miss these.

I set a reminder to write a blog yesterday. It popped up again today and I moved it back again. Then I just decided to fucking write. I don’t think it’s doing much, but at least I’m heard here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.