Snowed Under (Literally)

Hi, everybody.

I guess it’s time for a quick update. Seriously, I need to keep this quick. I have a LOT of shit I need to get done – somehow, someway.

So the title. That’s what this whole thing is about. If you’ve been following me on this blog, you know I closed on a house this week. Wait, did I tell you lot that? Well, I told you I was planning on closing on a house this week… I think I said that last week.

Fuck, I’m confusing myself right now. I can’t imagine how confused you are.

Anyway, Monday morning I closed on a beautiful house. My new home. Sunday night through Monday night, we got ten inches of snow. Found out I have a super long driveway. Awesome. I literally got a quadrant of the driveway done last night after my job & my boxing coaching & my workout. A quadrant – it took me an hour, maybe longer. Yuck.

Tonight I’ll spend another hour heaving snow & trying to use my legs to do so, but at a certain point it will be all lower back, & as I get closer to 30, that lower back gets a little bit less trustworthy.

But let’s dial back the negativity & find the positive here. It’s quite simple, really. At some point, no matter how overwhelmed or “snowed under” I am, I will finally have a house. A place I can call home. I’m excited.

Anyone know where I can find a cheap snowblower?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

New House Nerves

I close on my house this upcoming Monday. I’m extremely, actually I can’t even put it into words how pumped I really am about having my own space again. That’s what it’s about, that’s what it’s always been about when it comes to “owning” or “renting” my own space. I need that own space. I get that back Monday, but it comes at a hefty price.

Buying a house seems super fun. It’s a great achievement I guess? I mean a decent one. Most likely you’re pretty much just borrowing a fuck ton of money from the bank to buy the house for you. Then paying that shit back.

Jesus, I sound negative today, don’t I? I swear I’m not. I think I just need some food.

Anyway, I am excited about the house. My dogs will be able to sleep wherever the hell they want again & I’ll be back to a routine. Not a boring routine, but I will be able to keep a sleep schedule again. Thankfully.

I mentioned hefty price earlier. I am worried a bit. I know I can handle anything thrown my way. I do know that, but pulling out a check of most your savings in the middle of a pandemic isn’t the best feeling. Oh, my company is also looking at a way to structure our pay in an even worse manner. They won’t tell us that, though. Keep your eyes open, people.

Let’s drop all of the negativity. I get my own space again on Monday. I get something to work on, something to pour passion into. Maybe I’ll even have enough time to start another garden this upcoming Spring. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you lovely people posted.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Bar Thoughts

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Have Much To Do, Figured I’d Write To You

Hi, everybody!

As we hit the holiday season, work slows down. Life slows down a bit. My Pops is now quarantined due to possible COVID exposure, so we’re just one … happy family living with each other 24/7. Should be a fun experiment.

Oh, that reminds me, I need a new damn house or a rental. Really, anything. I’ll take anything right now. I miss my independence, not having to pay attention to how loud I’m being, & just overall having a bit more freedom. I can’t thank my parents enough for allowing me to stay at their place while I look for a new home.

So, slow days. What do you lot do on slow days? I’m thinking of doing some data-mining for work (thrilling), reading a book, & I really need to check if a soccer match is on today. Also, I have my second & third job to attend to later this afternoon. Someone’s a boxing coach again! Can ya guess who it is?

On slow days, I find it best mentally to not stress yourself out with the amount of time you have on your hands. Do what you want to do. Maybe set a couple goals for the day, but if you’re struggling mentally, don’t ram your head into a brick wall if you don’t get everything done. There’s always another slow day coming your way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Holding On

In my last post, I mentioned I was moving out of my first home ever purchased. So far, to the naked eye, it’s seemingly going great. I have food at my disposal at my new place of residence, people taking care of my laundry, etc.. The only problem: I’m almost 30 years old staying with my parents as I search for a new house.

I have a career, some money saved up, I know. It’s not bad. It could be a lot worse. I understand that. However, I’m still without passion. I still count down the hours of the day. I still can’t find anything to hold on to. I’m lost, & now more lost without a place to call my home.

I’ll find something soon enough. Problem there is, I don’t really know if I want to stay in this city. I don’t know if I want to stay in this state. I don’t know if I want to stay in this country. I’m just lost, man. I need something to hold on to.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What’s Been Going On

Hey, all!

Sorry I haven’t posted in a minute. Life’s been hectic. Very hectic. Let’s recap.

After 3-4 days of work, and thankfully a ton of help from my Pops, my house went on the market. It sold in LESS THAN 24 HOURS. Insane! Official close date isn’t till December, so I have some time – however, I don’t have a next spot to live. I’m currently searching for houses, but it’s not going so well. Hopefully a gem pops up over the next couple of weeks.

As for the rest of my life? Let’s not get into that on this post. Just a bunch of nonsense anyway, but things look up for me most days. That’s progress.

Cheers to a busy life!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reflections: Flying Home

I’m sitting in a Burger King right now. Checked in for my flight, head home here in just an hour or so.

What has this trip meant to me?

I originally embarked on this trip filled with zero expectations. I think I managed that. I never set anything in stone on things I had to get done, places I had to see, or people I had to meet. I did a good job on that.

However, I don’t know why I feel like I didn’t do enough this trip. It could have something to do with my crippling depression & constant need for naps throughout the trip to pass some time. But when I think about those naps, they managed to get me through some really tough mental moments.

I leave Maine knowing I saw what I could see. I ventured out as much as I could. I did give it my all. Now I head home without an ounce of knowledge on what to do next, & that’s a scary thought.

My parents will be there for me. My dogs will be there for me.

What did I learn about myself this trip? I still have a knack for meeting strangers and befriending them. That’s good to know. Maybe when I get back home it’ll be time to head back out to bars, to head back out & just talk with people. Maybe I’ll make some new friends. Maybe I’ll rekindle friendships with those that I’ve put aside recently due to my mental state.

This was a positive trip. I maybe cried a bit more than I’d care to admit, but I did something I didn’t think was possible for me. Hell, I thought I might drive off a cliff when I was heading up & down Cadillac Mountain, I was that poor off. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Fighting. Living somewhat, but mostly fighting.

I can’t wait to see my dogs. I can’t wait to be in my own bed. I am excited for what’s next. I’m proud to feel that way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

New Beginnings

Right now I’m sitting outside on my deck thinking back on the past couple of years I’ve lived in this town. Thankfully I’ve been able to step away from work for a few minutes. I’ve had some good moments, I’ve enjoyed the backyard component of my house, but boy am I happy to finally have a way to get out.

This week my debt will be paid off. I’ll be measuring what I need for carpet & hardwood for the upcoming sale of my residence, and I’ll be moving back to my hometown to rent for a few months before deciding what to do next. That’s somewhat based off what job I land next, but who knows what could happen.

All I know is I’m grateful. Throughout the past six to seven months, I’ve been completely lost on the map. Now I’ve seemingly found some direction. I have some plans in place. I’m working towards some goals. That’s a good enough start for me.

Life hasn’t been all that bad here. I’ve learned quite a bit about owning a home, fixing random things (like my sink, my sink always has issues – can’t wait to be rid of that thing), and gardening as I’ve mentioned before. I’ve found passions in things I never thought I’d find passion in, like cooking. I’ve picked up reading again because I haven’t had anything to do socially in this town. There really are many positives that came out of these last two years, but I’m ready to move on. And now it’s becoming real – my next step in life is really unknown, but at least I know I have a next step.

My buddy tries to get me to do a five year plan. I want to, I really do, but I can barely think a week ahead let alone five years. Maybe once the house is sold & I’ve settled into a new place with more friendly faces around, I’ll be able get that plan done. Highly unlikely, but I’d like to see myself do it. My buddy is usually right on what’s important and what’s not – hell, some of the reason I’m still here to this day is because of his advice.

Have I mentioned what I dislike the absolute most about where I live? The mosquitos, the flies. Just now as I’ve typed this, I’ve slapped myself in the face three times trying to swat away whatever’s attacking me. I think I’ve missed the bug every time, but I definitely haven’t missed my face.

What have I loved most about this place? This is what’s important to acknowledge. The independence it brought me. The maturity forced upon me from owning and taking care of a home. I really am proud I got here. I’m a guy that spent many months in jail as a kid, spent almost my entire high school life penned up in a random shelter, lost a brother, my mother suffered a terrible accident, and I was addicted to opiates for almost six years. It’s quite amazing that I’m sitting on my own deck watching my own two dogs eat stuff they aren’t supposed to be eating. It’s the simple things, it really is.

I really am proud of myself, and I couldn’t have done any of this without the people that love & support me. No matter how bad your situation is, I bet you can find one or two positives in it. That’s what’s kept me going, and I hope you start to look for those positives, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back to Base

As I sit here writing this, I don’t know quite what to say. Should I recap the trip? Should I tell you all how I felt throughout the trip? Does any of that matter now that I’m about to board the next flight to O’Hare? Do you guys really think I have nothing to say? Something will be typed out. Let’s just see if it can stay on path, but both you and I highly doubt that.

Of course that all matters (the trip, how I felt, does it matter, etc.). However, my mind is stuck on heading back home. And not all for good reasons. I do get to reunite with my dogs, B & L, but outside of that I am heading back to an empty home, and that always scares me. I’ll miss having my best friend in the next room, especially with what I’ve been going through recently.

I mean, you guys have seen it. I’m a goddamn rollercoaster. One day it’s “Man, I don’t know how I’m going to do this shit” to “Wow, life is great! You never know how great it is till it slaps you in the face.” I mean, I need some consistency there, don’t I? And today is the former. Today I feel… bad. And I can’t figure out why. I’m not exactly sad to be heading back home, but I still feel it. But I’ll get out of this slump. Mornings are always difficult.

Again, that’s the thing. As long as I keep writing this, well… really as long as I keep thinking about how difficult things can be for me, the more aware I am of how to get out of the shits. I thought getting away would help. It did, but only for a few hours a day. But hey, that’s better than nothing.

Go take that risk. Get away from what you’re comfortable from. It’s always there for you to come back to – that’s why it’s fucking comfortable. But for me, and I don’t know about you, remember that, it’s never great to be stagnant. This trip broke me out of a streak of stagnation.

Now? Now it’s back to the drawing board. Well, I have a shit ton of work I left behind so really it’s back to that, but AFTER. Well after, I’m going to continue to practice. Continue to read, write, meditate, eat healthy, and workout – all the shit you read about in those self help books. Again, that shit might not work for you. Find a routine (I know, it sounds like an ugly thing) that helps you win this battle against whatever you’re facing. You can’t just fucking sit there. I couldn’t. I had to get out. And I’m glad I did, even if it was just for 72 hours.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.