Tag: write

Lacking Color

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Not going to say much today. Just using this as a way to get some shit off my chest. Yesterday I had flowers delivered to an ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what I thought would come from it, but it’s not hurting as bad as I thought not receiving a message back from her. I think I can find closure through this… super odd thing to do. It was probably dumb. I don’t know. I’m so fucking lost.

I’m losing purpose in my everyday life. Each day again feels the same, gray, distant. Each day feels like there’s something crucial slipping away. Each day I feel like I’m wasting. Everything is gray.

I go into the office more to get away from my own thoughts, but here I am in the office only thinking of my thoughts. What an odd sentence. But I can’t help it – my focus isn’t there. I’ve tried changing up my routine, how I’m treating myself, and a few other aspects of my life, but I keep finding myself worse off than before.

And I very well could be bitching about absolutely nothing. Who knows what’s valid to complain about nowadays. Who knows what to do when you struggle with depression and anxiety every single damn day. You just take it on the chin and move on. That’s it. You tell everyone you’re okay. It’s better that way.

Everything is gray. And I have nothing left to say.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Many Screens

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Screens, am I right? Going to be the death of all mankind’s rest. Right when I’m about to put the computer down, I remember I have this to do. After that, I’m oh-so-ready to put down my computer. Nope, forgot to respond to that email. Wait – I think I’m good now. Kidding! I need to file that expense before I forget…

Where does it end? We spend so much of our lives living through things: our job, our roles in society, our overall responsibilities. How often do we live through ourselves? Does that make sense?

I can’t remember the last dog walk I went on where my mind was quiet. Where I didn’t think of the million and one things I feel like I must accomplish on a daily basis. But each day, do I get closer to anything I truly want? What is it that I want? Will I figure that out on my next dog walk or will I think about my 10:30 meeting with that one client who always, always thinks I’m the problem. Pssh.

I don’t think it will end. If anything, I think our world is destined for even more distraction from what’s really us. But if you think about it, doesn’t that change end up changing the definition of what’s really us? Man, life is crazy to think about. And to think, we’re only here for a smidge of time and we’re only worth a smidge while we’re here.

But that smidge can mean something. Smidge smidge smidge. OK, got that word out of my system.

You know, without screens I wouldn’t be typing to you here. I’ve made quite a few mistakes today – I probably did something that I’ll end up regretting for at least a year (no, no one got hurt and no one will get hurt… besides my emotions maybe – I’m just chasing love like an idiot). But typing to you here made me feel a smidge better (SHIT, I DIDN’T GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM AND I LIED TO YOU!) about it all. So screens can stay, for now. I’m still on path to move out of my state at the end of the year – and I really want to make that a reality. I just don’t know how and I’m too timid to make a certain move. Best I’ve done is asked for the basics of “Is this even possible given my current financial situation?” and thrown out a couple small pieces of furniture.

You tell yourself it’ll work itself out – sure, that’s true for some things. But not this. Not finally moving away from my home state 30+ years later. I have to make it happen. But no pressure.

Wow, we went into a few things here. Sorry if there’s no general theme. Off the cuff, like normal. Overuse of punctuations… per usual.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Day Off

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Nothing major today. I started it off with a 3 mile run average just a bit over 6 minutes per mile! Happy about that. Went for a bit of cryotherapy. Just finished some breakfast tacos. Oh, I don’t work today. I probably should’ve started with that.

Up next? A dog walk and a joint. I like where this day is going. (PS – Not advising or endorsing the use of cannabis, it is entirely a “to each their own” situation for me – be safe!)

WHAT ELSE?

Well, I only had to use 30 minutes of my hour time slot with my therapist. Does that mean I’m improving?

That made me laugh. Speed running through therapy. That’s elite level mental health.

Anyway, I don’t have much today as you probably realized. You’re probably slapping yourself for taking time to read this. Well, it’s too late now. I can’t help you.

But I do appreciate you. I appreciate this outlet. Thank you for stopping in to read my blogs – you are a key part to my mental health journey whether we know each other or not. It would suck to write to no one, wouldn’t it?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reciprocal Value

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Hope you’re having a smashing morning. No, I’m not British – just wanted to use smashing in a sentence.

Let’s talk a bit about reciprocal value. I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently, specifically within my relationships. I’ve boiled it down to roughly 10 folks that provide what I believe is the most crucial element of a relationship: reciprocal value.

So what do I mean by that? These friends owe me stuff because I’ve put effort and care into some of their problems/issues? No. I’m saying it’s a blue table friendship, not a red table. Both parties are receiving benefit out of the relationship, which may not be visible to the naked eye, but both can feel it. I have 2-3 friends that excel at this and put me to shame, but man am I grateful for those people.

Without reciprocal value, you’re either just giving yourself away or taking from someone. If you start to find someone distancing themselves from you, ask yourself if you’ve put as much effort into the relationship as they have. Ask yourself the tough questions. Because when you ask those questions of yourself, you’re able to build rock solid relationships that can last through anything. And that’s what life is about, right? I think it is.

Our time here is valuable, no matter what you believe happens after we fail to exist here. In 100 years no one will know that you made that extra effort, but right here, right now, in the moment that matters, you will know – and so will the individual you care about. Be present. Be there. And most importantly, be yourself.

Huh. A blog with a bit of substance. That’s a nice change, right?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Time to Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Oh boy. It’s that time again. You should’ve heard how loud the sigh I just did was.

Bad sentence.

Anyway, I have a new friend! A husky. She stops by a couple days a week while her owner is at work since I’m a stay at home work from home type of person. It’s working out well. My doggo gets along real well with this one.

That’s added a bit of joy into my life. I still feel utterly lost with everything. I’m pulled in a million directions but I feel stuck in place. Weird, isn’t it?

I don’t want to get too much into myself today. What can we discuss? I have about 2-3 minutes to write this.

Mortality? No. Too dark. Too much to discuss.

Food? Boring. I mean it’s not boring to eat but I don’t think I could write about it well. I did take a Food Writing class in college, though. Ayyo.

Hmm. What if we just leave this blog as is? A quick sprint. I like that. I hope you do, too. If not, oh well there’s always next time, right?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Happy? Holidays

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m off work this week and I’ve put this blogging off for about… 3 days. To be quite honest, I really dislike this time of year and everything that comes with it. Minus the food. The food can stay.

There’s simply too many social expectations when it comes to the holidays. Especially the holiday season that we’re in right now – Christmas and New Year’s. If you’re alone on these days, well, if you’re me it feels like death. And for the past two months, ever since a certain someone kicked me out of their life for good, I’ve felt impending doom on these days.

AND IT’S RIDICULOUS. I’m letting social constructs control my mind and my overall mental fortitude. It’s ridiculous. But it’s been a theme for me every year since I was in high school – since back in the days when I wasn’t invited to anything. I remember being sad every Friday night when I didn’t get invited to stuff, and it was even worse when it came to the holidays. Party there, party here, no party near me. It’s not pity, it was reality. And it’s fed into my disgust with the holidays now.

But I do have plans on New Year’s. I had to search for them, but I found some. I won’t be “alone” on the final day of 2022, but I do feel alone. So yeah, I will be alone.

When will I look at the world differently? I’ve been told it comes down to me. If that’s the case, things aren’t going to be looking up for a bit – maybe. But who knows, you lot know I shift from day to day. And I always, always feel better after I throw up on this blog.

Thank you for being my outlet. Happy Holidays. Last blog of 2022? Probably.

I LOVE YOU!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Thanksgiving!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s of course been a minute since I last posted here, but I figure a post leading into Thanksgiving makes a bunch of sense for this website.

So what am I grateful for this year? A lot. Number one thing? My mental fortitude. I struggle on a day to day basis, but I always end up OK. Sometimes better than OK. And I’m grateful for that.

My parents. My god, my parents. They are everything to me. They mean so much to me, and I am so thankful and grateful to have them in my life.

My very best friend who I will not name. The only person in the entire universe that really knows all of me. The one person in the universe I can trust with anything and everything. Love you, brother.

My dog Louie. I mean, he’s right next to me snuggled up. He’s always there for me. I’m always there for him. We’re grateful for each other.

My career. It brings me security and honestly I have a lot of fun doing what I do. Not all folks are in this position and I acknowledge that. I’m thankful to have this privilege.

And you lot. I’ve had this blog for roughly two years, maybe a bit over. I don’t get crazy views, I don’t get crazy comments, but I do see you folks reading this blog and actually giving a damn. I hope you get something out of it like I do.

Thanksgiving is the best holiday. Endless food, sports, and you’re celebrated for taking a nap. Can’t beat it. However, I know some of you are not in this state of mind or not as privileged as I am to have these blessings. I hope you find the small happinesses in your life to bring yourself to a state of gratitude this week. If you would like to chat about it, feel free to comment.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Cast Aside

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I lost another person in my life. Not to death, don’t worry about that, but a relationship I’ve been in and out of over the past three years blocked me to heal. She felt that our open communication wasn’t allowing either of us to heal – and I somewhat agree, but I’m left heavily confused and at a loss for self worth.

What blows my mind is how healing means throwing someone completely away. No possible future communication – all memories just that, memories. Nothing more. And most are in the process of being deleted out of my devices and hopefully out of my memory.

I’m self destructing as usual. I wanted to blog today because I thought it would help me feel better. Instead, I see a recurring situation here. I’m always moaning. I’m always talking about how much I suck, how small I am, and how much value I find in myself. That sucks. I don’t have much more time to figure all of this out. Each night I lie down in bed and hope to fall asleep without hitting an existential crisis and overwhelming thoughts of mortality. It doesn’t happen often. And when it does, it’s because I’ve stayed up with distractions that do nothing to better my life just so my mind is dead enough to just turn the fuck off.

I don’t get why I never feel good enough. To myself. To others. To family. To friends. To even my dog. It’s weird, and I know it all starts with loving myself. Understanding myself. All of that jazz. The stuff I talk about sometimes on here. But sometimes that shit feels unachievable. Each time I love myself, someone tells me a reason they don’t love me – and that builds and builds in my mind. At what point do I completely shut myself out from people? I feel it’s coming close. I find distractions just to keep going. I find distractions to keep breathing. I find distractions to cast aside who I am, who I need to be, and if I’ll ever be enough to myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Four Walls

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Each day I wake up on one bed, next to one dog, between four walls. Each day I roll out of bed, brush my teeth one time, shower once, and find myself between four walls.

I never quite know if I’m in the right spot. I know I’m safe. I know I’m where the world would want me. I’m exactly what everyone asked me to be. I’m everything people thought I wouldn’t be. I’m nothing I want to be. I’m there. But I’m not here. I don’t know if I will ever be here.

Each day I wake up on one bed, next to one dog, between four walls.

When I look in the mirror each morning, I don’t know who I’m looking at. Am I young? Am I old? How much time do I have left? How much time do others around me have left? Why do I have so many questions? What can I possibly do differently? What am I doing here? What happens if I’m not here? What should my focus be on? Wait, this mirror isn’t straight. I need to fix that.

Each day I roll out of bed, brush my teeth one time, shower once, and find myself between four walls.

It’s time to not worry about myself. It’s time to answer other people’s problems. Have I addressed any of my own? No, the answer is no. But again I’m there, there for others and continuously thinking of what I would like to do for myself. I’m trapped with my own shortcomings. Each mistake I’ve made I relive. Each poor decision I’ve made factors into my daily life. I don’t forgive myself. 

Each day I wake up on one bed, next to one dog. Each day I roll out of bed, brush my teeth one time, and shower once.

Stuck in these four walls and stuck within the confines of my own mind. Blinded by my past and scared of the future, unaware of the present at all times. I’m tired. I’m worn. I’m not prepared for what’s next. I like the four walls. They keep me safe.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Chilly Hands

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Why is this titled Chilly Hands? Well, I have chilly hands at this exact moment. I’m super literal on these blogs, especially when I just have a Siri reminder telling me to blog at random times. I don’t really have too much to write about… yet.

Let’s see. Life is fucking weird, man. I’ve now went back and forth with my girlfriend like 5 times now and we feel the healthiest and most open we’ve ever felt. Sometimes bumps and bruises can lead to a reward I guess? I really can’t understand this life shit – especially being ‘healthy.’

But I do feel exactly that. Healthy, most of the times. I’m getting good sleep, I’m eating well, financially I’m somewhat responsible, and I’m being more loosey-goosey in life again. It feels good. I feel good. I hope you feel good, too.

But what is going on in your life? Is there something you could dig into real quick that might best prepare you for the next 20 minutes of your life? Something you need to sit down and just think about for a second, with zero distractions around ya? I think that’s what’s gotten me to this state of ‘healthy’ – letting myself sit and think for a bit when I need to. Self reflection and all that stuff, ya know?

Well, I think the well is dry. I don’t have much more to write about when things aren’t going shitty. It’s weird, I’m much more vocal and audible when I feel better. Less of a writer, more of a talker. I guess that isn’t that weird, is it? I’m sure I’ll be back with PLENTY to write about sometime soon.

Until then, nah.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.