Lots of Uncertainty

Hi, everybody.

I tried writing this blog a few days ago. It had a different title. “I Need To Write This Blog” – I’m glad we have a new topic to discuss, because to be honest, I had NOTHING that day. Woulda been just a bunch of mamma-jamma.

So let’s discuss uncertainty. That sounds fun, doesn’t it? I’m not on the verge of tears, I promise. I’m not typing extra fast because I’m getting more and more angry with each and every single word I’m typing here. HOLD. Take a breath. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. There’s still a whole day ahead of you. A whole day.

But that’s a whole day filled with uncertainty. Sure, there’s stuff on the schedule, but how will you feel? That’s always the question for me. I know I have coaching, I know I have work, I know I have computer shit to do – doesn’t mean I know what the hell is going on. Life is filled with uncertainty unless we’re strapped with the right level of awareness. And as I’m typing this, my thoughts are beginning to slow, my typing beginning to become less violent, and my body a bit more fatigued.

Control is something we all struggle with. Too much, too little. Whatever it is, it’s never good enough. And the funny thing about control? It’s not something you can usually control!

Control integrates well with uncertainty. If you don’t know how your mind will cope with emotional struggle, you don’t know how well you will be able to control yourselves in times of stress. It’s so very important – and oh so difficult to balance.

But here we are, a bit all over the place as usual. I write from the heart, nowhere else. I talk to you, not write. That’s the best way of putting it. And I’m certain that I’m not talking to enough people. I’m not feeling like I’m connected with a damn thing. And I’m uncertain at how sustainable that is long term. No, not thoughts of BS, but I do worry about my overall well-being in the sense of not beating the shit out of myself every other freakin’ day. It would be nice to give myself a break from myself. I’m certain of that.

I wonder how many times I typed out a variation of the word certain. I’m not going to go back and check. I never edit these things. If there’s one thing I have control over, some certainty with, it’s my impulsivity. Phew, what a rollercoaster of a blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Note

Hi, everybody.

Yes, I know. Stop writing quick notes. Stop saying you can’t write that much right now. I KNOW. Well, guess what? I have about 10 minutes to get three things done. I’ll do what I want.

Really only one thing to report – I’m talking to the woman I love again and we’re working through things. I have a healthy amount of hope, and I trust myself to learn from my past mistakes finally.

Let’s see how it goes, eh?

Weird blog, I know. I got more stuff to do! I’ll throw in a Siri reminder to write again midweek.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Been Meaning to Say Hi

Hi, everybody.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. I usually check in around … well, yeah, when things get a bit rough.

Again, I’ve had issues with purpose, relationships, and frustration. I’ve been aware, but my mind is still in control – not the other way around. However, I do feel like I’ve navigated my issues really well this time around. It’s weird, usually when I sit down to type about this stuff, I end up figuring out the answer to my question. Except today I don’t have a question in my head – have I figured something out?

You know, it’s weird to think about what we know subconsciously. Does that make sense? Like what our mind works on without us even knowing. Did I find closure with a few of the issues I was experiencing? Right now it feels that way, but I don’t remember finding closure.

Or is mental healthy signal just spotty in general? Comes and goes. I think that’s the better bet. And I guess we’ll find out as the day develops.

I honestly thought I had more to write, but I don’t. I’m glad I got to say hi, though.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Need To Write

Hello, everybody. Good morning.

I put a reminder in my phone last night to blog, but on Thursday. I couldn’t wait. I don’t have much to say, but I’m sure that will change as I continue to type this out.

I’m currently at the dog park. This is my routine now: Wake up at 5, work out, dog park, work, work out/coach, stay up far too late, and repeat. It’s not sustainable, but I’m somewhat enjoying it.

My main problem right now are my relationships with people. Family, friends, potential romances. I’m shut down and closed off from it. I’m not finding joy in people or myself, and it worries me.

So what can I do about that? Not quite sure. Started with this — and I have my monthly therapy session on Friday. Things usually turn around, but I’d love some stability with my happiness. I know it’s on me, but I promise I’m trying. It’s just not easy. Never let anyone take that validation away from you. You feel how you feel – and only you know how strong that grip is around you. No one else.

I think I’ll start by continuing my routine, and maybe I step outside my comfort zone and ask a woman to dinner this week. Maybe I go grab a drink with a friend. But hopefully? Hopefully I find happiness within myself. And I hope the same for you, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Random All-Nighter

Well, shit. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 AM on the dot. I have to work out in about an hour and a half. For some reason, my eyes won’t shut. I’ve done everything under the sun (while not under the sun) and I can’t get tired.

I did just get back from a trip visiting a buddy. I heard some rough news (shouldn’t have been rough) when I was there and I’ve been thinking about it since. But I don’t want to discuss it. I just, I don’t know what to fucking do about my thoughts anymore. I don’t know how to get rid of the depression at times. I have no clue how to battle the shit in me that’s keeping me up right now. I don’t even know what it is.

And sometimes I tell you lot I know what the fuck is going on. Not true. Maybe true. I don’t know anymore. I need sleep. Bad. But soon I’ll be in a pool, swimming. Why? No clue. I’m struggling to figure out my “why” recently, and that’s a big issue for me to have. Whenever that’s occurring, I know something is wrong. But what? What the shit this time?

Hopefully check back in soon. Let’s try to make it through this glorious Monday together, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Random Travel

Hi, everybody.

It’s probably been about 2 weeks since I last spoke to you. About par for the course nowadays and I quite like it. I also believe I start every single blog like this, too. Cons of not reading your own writing.

I’m traveling to Jersey, baby! Booked a random plane ticket the other night because I’m off work all week. Going to see my best friend – pretty stoked about some change. A bit of a break from the status quo is needed I believe. Of course I’ll miss my dog as I always do, but that’s about it. (I will my my folks – you know what I mean, people.)

When I head up to Jersey, I have no expectations and I’m again, excited about that. Similar to my Arizona trip a month or so back. However, this time I’m going single again. Oh, yeah, I’m back to being single. FOR LIFE, BABY! But that’s not a focus of mine and I don’t think it ever will be or should be. If it happens, it happens, but for now it’s time to do the things that my life is finally letting me do. I’ve worked hard to be able to travel without feeling like I might struggle to pay my mortgage a month or two later. It’s a weird thing to say, but that’s a huge achievement for me.

That’s key. Remember the big achievements for you. It’s been a while I think since I’ve built out a “lesson” in one of these blogs, but do remember that an achievement is only as big or as little as you perceive it to be. At least that’s what I think. I mean, that could go for a lot of things in life, but never judge yourself based on what’s around you. Who the shit knows what that person had to do compared to you to get that same result. That same achievement. The thing is, it’s never the same achievement. If I was to run the same marathon as you and finish at the exact same time, we both would achieve different things due to the journey that led us to that finish line. No, not the race, but the mental fortitude built through training and adversity.

Where the hell am I going right now?

Anyway, I think I made somewhat of a point. I think. Again, cons of not reading your own writing and kinda throwing up on the page: you don’t really remember much of what you wrote. This has been fun to blog, though. I’m excited for Jersey. I’m excited for what’s to come. For just getting dumped a few days back, it’s odd to be excited about anything. Maybe this blogging, therapy, meditation, etc., all this stuff actually does help the mental side.

I’m kidding. It definitely does. I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Now I can clear that damn Siri reminder.

Sleepy Blog

Hi, everybody.

You guessed it. Siri reminded me again.

I’ve had a weird couple of weeks since I last blogged. A lot of ups and downs. However, I did get a chance to disconnect and recharge while I visited Arizona with the girlfriend. It was a great trip – filled with hikes, legal cannabis, and amazing food. Also really, really good company. It was only a few days, but it was just what I needed. I would never, ever live in Arizona, though. Yes, it’s dry so it doesn’t “feel” hot. But it “feels” hot, still. People down there just don’t want to admit it.

Outside of a little trip, I’ve had issues with my boxing coach and future going forward. That’s still up in the air. Although I have been training twice a day and really focusing in – but I don’t really have a goal in front of me, and that’s a bit scary. I worry for the longevity of my passion.

A couple other things going on. I’m overwhelmed. With work, with my side work, with coaching, training, spending time with friends and the girlfriend, family… lacking sleep. It’s getting a bit much, but I can’t seem to cut out anything. If anything, I just keep adding more and more, which leads me into the final thing “going on” with me right now.

The girlfriend is going through some internal struggles and that’s causing doubt in her heart. We had a long conversation about it yesterday, and it has nothing to do with me according to her, but a lot to do with her family and how tied in she is with them. She feels trapped. This was one of the only times I’ve been able to look someone in the eyes and tell me, “I love you, so I want you to choose what makes you happy.” Anthony de Mello would be proud. She chose to be with me, and understand that I don’t need anything out of her. If anything at all, I want her to focus on herself and solely herself. I want my girlfriend back, not the person who’s attacking herself and belittling her achievements each and every day. And that starts with her focusing on herself and forgetting about me for a bit. I’m fine being on the back burner for someone I love.

Not a bad blog for a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 days. Not bad at all. Or maybe it’s really bad. I guess it’s all subjective, isn’t it.

Oh! My pup is doing awesome. Sleeping right now after a long walk and a bit of a jog. I don’t know why I’m adding this, I just wanted to?

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Birthday Blog

Hi, everybody.

It’s my birthday. It’s in my notes to write a blog, so I’m doing it. But it’s not what I want to do on my birthday, and really nothing I’ve done so far has been up to par with what I wanted my birthday to have.

But that’s what birthdays are: letdowns. Days that are built up to be something special, but really it’s just another day.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lots Going On

Hi, everybody.

How often do I write here now? Every two weeks? Three? I only write when I know I need it. Right now, I do.

Tomorrow I have a boxing match. This one is weird. I’m not engaged. I’m not excited. I just want to get it over with. Maybe I’m sick of competing? Maybe. Or maybe I just have too much stuff going on.

My full-time job is great, it really is. It’s a lot of work, but I’m valued and the pay shows it. Finally. But everything else in life? I don’t feel like I’m getting the value out of it. The NFT stuff, the coaching, and even at times my relationship. It feels like I give a lot of myself and don’t have much of myself by the end of the day. Does anyone else run into that problem?

Also, I feel like I’m running in circles chasing my own tail nowadays. I mean, not every day is the same day, but every day is filled with tasks from about 9 AM to midnight. It’s not healthy – and this goes for weekends, too. I haven’t been able to keep up with any news, watch any of my favorite sports teams, or really see much of my friends. I need help, but I’m stuck with these responsibilities and obligations. These commitments. My pops always told me commitments are important and it’s stuck with me. I don’t want to let anyone down, ever. I’ve done that so often throughout my life and it’s something I just don’t want to do again – especially if I can have control over it.

All that said, the audience I know is screaming “BALANCE, BALANCE!”, and believe me, I’m trying. Each day I wake up I tell myself I’m not going to give into this, I’m not going to do that, but my mind plagues me with “You’re a piece of shit if you don’t do what you told yourself you would do.”

Example? I want to take a nap right now but in my Siri reminders I had “Blog”. What am I doing now? Blogging. What will I be doing after blogging? Getting my laundry done. Will I nap? Probably not.

But maybe if I stop writing, especially now that I’ve been able to muster this aggression out of me and into an outlet like this, maybe I can take that nap. And guess what, I’m going to go do that now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Random Thoughts/Early Morning

Hi, everybody.

It’s nice to see ya again! It’s been a minute. A lot has happened, a lot. My family and I are good again! My pops and I finally sat down and talked. Felt good – and I even got to go to church with my Ma because of it. Just in time! Nice.

OK, what to talk about this morning… well, to be honest, I decided to write because I fell asleep on the couch last night and I always wake up early when I do that. Oh, and my work programs are being slow, so I had really nothing else better to do than write to you.

I’ll never get tired of that rhyming.

With my dog at my feet, I feel secure today. Yet I know in a few hours everything will feel shaky, I’ll question every little thing I’m doing, and I’ll start to wonder when people will notice that I have no clue what I’m doing.

But do any of us have a fuckin’ clue about what we’re doing or are we just doing things the best we can? The best we can is right. And so far, the best I can give seems to be enough for many people – and I need to make sure it’s enough for me, too.

I think it is. I think I’m on the right track. I don’t believe I’m “going backwards” or anything like that, but it is hard to tell at times.

What else is on the mind… what else…

My stomach needs to figure it out. Seriously.

OK, what else, what else…

I don’t have much else. My dog gets therapy from my therapist on Friday. Hopefully I write about that right after it happens. Some type of locked emotion therapy? I don’t know – it’s free. I am so very interested to see if anything at all happens with my dog, or if this is just some weird/bogus attempt at therapy with animals. Either way, I bet my cute pup gets a treat at the end of it.

This was a terrible blog. Oh well. ON TO THE NEXT!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.