Tag: mental illness

Determined & Focused

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I wake up now and think about how I can get better.

No, not better at life. Better in the ring. Boxing. Some would say it is my life. I just don’t make money from it. Funny how making money from something can define what you “do”, right?

I’ve set a goal for 50 miles run in September. After two runs, I’m at seven miles. Sub 7-minute miles on a few of the splits! It’s getting better and better every day. So, why am I making this push?

I fight again this month on the 25th. After that, coach wants one more amateur fight. I’ve started to spar with two professional boxers, so I’m officially gearing up for my pro debut. Also, I’m comfortable sitting right around 165 now. I fluctuate between 166-171–perfect amount of weight to cut without drastically zapping my energy.

But it’s not all about the running. It’s about my focus, my determination, and the why. Why am I doing this? It’s a simple answer. Boxing pulled me out of drug addiction. Boxing created a whole community for me I never knew existed. Boxing is everything to me. In the long run I don’t give a shit if I win or lose, I just care that I give all I can to my passion. Does this mean quit my day job? Hell no. I don’t want to live in my boxing bag, that thing smells so, so bad. But I do want to give it my all in and out of the ring, when I can.

My focus. My determination. They will be unmatched each and every time I head into that ring. Will I be out-skilled? Possibly. Possibly. But I’m controlling what I can control. Let’s fucking go.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Early Start

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Last night was some hell, I’ll tell you that much. Not only did my company pry and pry for end of month closes, they also kept a conversation going till about 11 PM at night trying to pull in any deal possible before September hit. Honestly, I wish I was writing this in October (end of September) because I could make an easy, easy Green Day joke right there.

So yeah, that was stressful. Especially since I haven’t brought in a dime all month–but that happens sometimes, I do believe I will have an outstanding month this month as I’ve built a really, really solid pipeline.

But the stress is still there. I don’t wake up early usually, and definitely not for work purposes, but today I did. Today I made sure to wake up early and start climbing the charts. So far? Yeah, no results. But patience, baby, patience. It also doesn’t help that I worked till midnight last night after some heavy, heavy sparring rounds.

But enough bitching. I’m working from home with my dogs by my side. I have an endless supply of coffee and I have a decent amount of groceries. My bills are paid for the upcoming month. There are a lot of positives–but as you can probably tell, work is weighing heavily on my mind recently.

It will all shake out, right? As long as the work is put in, right? I sure as hell hope so.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Dead End

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Another day, eh? It’s gloomy out today. Clouds everywhere, no sunlight available. Meh.

Usually I’m pumped about days like this because, well, I do like to nap. Nothing better than a nap on a stormy day. But today I don’t want to nap. Why? Because I feel like I’m heading in a direction that leads to a dead end (hence the title).

I can’t seem to find that “purpose” in my life with my current occupation and I believe I will struggle with this till I find a solution. Is the solution a new job? Most likely. Do I need to make sure I choose wisely moving forward? Yes.

But some of that stuff is out of my control. I don’t know when the right opportunity will present itself, all I know is that I’m quite miserable with what I’m doing nowadays. My drive for sales has really dropped off, maybe due to management, maybe due to me, maybe a mix of both. I need a solution. Someone sell me a solution, please.

But there are positives when I look a bit deeper. A former drug addict like myself has now held a “big boy” job for 4 years now, going on 5. Yes, I’ve switched companies twice, but that’s been on my terms. No termination! (Knock on wood).

I’ve also grown significantly both personally and professionally. I understand a lot more of what makes this world work, as least here in the US. I’ve had my thought of “everyone is just about money” validated through my 4-5 years of sales work. Most people really are just about money. It sucks. I very much dislike money because, well, it stresses me the hell out.

I think we are moving in the right direction, but I tend to stay on the weary side. What’s that saying? Hope for the best, expect the worst. That’s pretty much been my life, so I think I can continue on that path and stay positive. I understand and I am aware of what my capabilities are, what I bring to the table, and how I can impact this world. Now I just need to make things happen.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Exciting Interview

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 4 Comments

Hi, everybody.

I don’t know if I’ll get the job, I’m sure there are plenty of candidates much more qualified than me, but I’m excited. Why? Well, I just interviewed with a non-profit for a job that actually pays a decent amount (IN THE NON-PROFIT SPACE!). That’s exciting to me.

For four years I’ve sold for private companies, trying to please ownership. If I do take on this role at this foundation, I will be working to, yes, please ownership, but I’ll be driving at making the world a better place. Kinda cool, huh? Sales isn’t all bad. There’s a lot of good-hearted sales folks out there. You lot just don’t give them the chance.

I’ll keep you lot posted. I’m going to go hit the heavy bags and get some food. Not a bad Monday!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Endless Contemplation

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s a chill day. Started it off with some coffee and sparring–now it’s time to sit in my sweatpants and relax. Well, until a birthday dinner later tonight, but that will be quick. Then right back to sweatpants and relaxing!

OK, “Endless Contemplation”, it’s something I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days. It’s funny because it’s thinking about thinking… if you think about it. OK, sorry, I’m done.

But I have been thinking a lot. Like more than usual. After my last fight, I don’t quite know the direction I should take. My coach is pushing me out even further from a pro debut and I don’t have too much time. I mean, I’m 30. I just want to take a couple pro fights for fun. I’m not looking to make a career out of it. Let me fight.

So yeah, I’m thinking about that. I’ve also gotten back into the trenches of thinking I’m not in the right location. I hate when I get like this, honestly. Do I really think moving would change things for me? It has in the past, but I always end up right back here. So what should I do? Stop thinking about moving.

Oh, and I can’t stop thinking about work. How I can be better. What I’m doing wrong. Do I even want to keep doing what I’m doing.

Endless thoughts. Endless contemplation.

But I look down at my dog (the younger one) and I realize sometimes it just doesn’t matter. Why don’t I let this pass through me and enjoy my time right here, right now? I could stop writing and start cuddling with this doggo.

And guess what. That’s where this blog ends. Right when the issue is resolved (for now).

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It’s A QD!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Quote day. QD stands for quote day.

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently at a graduation party but I wanted to write a bit — then I realized I don’t have much today. So what did I do? Scoured the internet for some gosh darn amazing quotes. Just for you.

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

Morris West

You can say that again.

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

Seneca

I mean, that’s hard to argue.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

Sense a theme yet?

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.

Les Brown

Yup.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

Personal Travel

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Well, it’s Friday! Time for more nonsense. I’m honestly just looking for some advice or recommendations with this blog post.

I’ve been in my hometown for quite some time now without a vacation. Yes, I went to Dallas, but that was for work. I need to get out. I live in the midwest and prefer the east coast. Any recommendations? I’ve done Maine, bits of Massachusetts, New York and a bit of upstate New York, and New Jersey. Oh, a tiny bit of Pennsylvania when I went to Philly for a wedding.

So, where should I go? I want to go at the end of September/middle of October because, well, the weather is a lot more suitable for me (I sweat a lot in big city heat).

Or should I look elsewhere? Not the east coast? Is there something on the west coast that I just must see? I’ve only been to Orange County in CA, but I wasn’t a fan. I would be interested in seeing the Redwoods up north or Big Sur a bit south of that. Well, quite a bit south I think.

Also, what should I do? I like outdoorsy stuff but I do love a good conversation with a stranger. Should I be more adventurous? Maybe try to conquer a fear like heights (e.g. skydiving)?

Let’s not conquer that fear just yet. Or heavily drug me then push me out of a plane. I will not do it sober.

Anyway, I told you this would be nonsense, but I would be interested in not just hearing recommendations from you. I would LOVE to hear about some of your amazing trips and make a decision from there. Care to help?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Thinking Through the Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Well, good morning.

It’s about 9 AM CT where I’m at and I’m already thinking way too far ahead. My mind is already past working and thinking about the evening. Except there’s a new wrinkle for this evening: no volleyball due to an injured elbow.

So what the shit do I do with my time?

Maybe I should keep my focus right here, right now. I mean, it’s something I preach all the time. “Stay in the moment.” Meh. It’s difficult, isn’t it? I’m not excited for anything today. I’ll head to the gym in a couple of hours and my Pops will stop over later for some branch removal from a storm a couple nights back, but shit, man, I don’t know how I’ll keep my head/mind above water today.

Maybe I can do some reading today. Maybe that’ll put me on the right path. One thing I do know? I need to become aware of how I’m feeling today and what’s going on inside me. It’s important so I don’t go down that slippery slope of feeling bad for myself and sleeping the day away. It’s important that I write at this very moment in time to remind myself that I am in this moment, I will be fine during this moment, and I do not know what happens next.

Maybe I’ll figure something out today. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back to Morning Runs

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Notice the exclamation mark? Yeah, rare, but needed today.

I went on my first run since the fight and boy did it feel good. I followed it with five 100-yard sprints and five stadium stair climbs. BOY, it felt good.

You know, summer is almost over. It’s a shame. But Fall is upon us shortly and that is super duper exciting. Runs in the Fall? Can’t beat those.

But why is the run important? I think it’s obviously important for physical health, but mentally it’s even more important.

I consider running the most difficult sport in the world if you’re running long distance. Why? Well, let’s say you’re running a marathon. That means you’re stuck alone with your thoughts as you trot along for four to six hours–that’s intense.

I would like to run a marathon one day. I think I could do it now, but the mental aspect of it all throws me off. I need to be a bit more solid up in the old noggin before I think about running 26.2 miles. Or do I? Maybe that’s a goal I set for myself. We’ll see. I was talking about finding a hobby not too long ago (don’t worry, I still want to do photography, just need to find the time).

The point of this blog is not to tell you running is tough. It isn’t. But the constant thinking that happens during a run is tough, especially for people like me. Maybe it’s difficult for you, too. I try to not think which makes me think more. Sometimes I succeed in my goal and just run. Man, there’s not much better than just running without a thought. I’m jealous of Forrest Gump for that–he seemed to be able to do that with ease.

So what am I leaving you with today? Nothing. Go find something for yourself (and I say that in the kindest way because I believe in you).

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Little Things Do Big Things

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Title written by a seven year old.

Hi, everybody!

As I continue to write to you, I continue to search for what to write about. So today we write about the simple things in life that make such a huge difference in our lives when we look back and truly think about them.

Today I woke up with a “here we go again” attitude. No good. No good. But I adjusted and I made sure to do the little things that I know help get me out of that train of thought. I made some coffee. Little, yes, but it did the job. I started to get a little pep in my step and hit the ground running with work.

Then I decided to put my foot down and say no to an upcoming interview. I don’t want the job. It’s simple as that. Why waste my time in an interview? Just because I want to see if I can get moved along in the process? Am I that bored? Yes. But I canceled that shit and that’s a little thing that helped me quite a bit today.

I went to the gym in the middle of the day. Again, little, but it’s probably the only reason I have energy to write to you right now. Aren’t you grateful? I know I am. Ha.

And I plan on doing a lot of little things as the day progresses. I mean, shit, I already grocery shopped and purchased some dog treats/snacks (one of my pups has a broken toe–no idea how he got it). Those are other little things I’ve done today to enhance how I feel today.

But let’s be honest. It comes down to you. It comes down to me. It comes down to our psyche. It always does. We can use little things to mask how we are really feeling, or we can acknowledge that we don’t have to feel a certain way if we can just let our psyche out of the chaotic mess it’s in once in a while. So yeah, little things do help, but do we need the help? We have everything we need right here, right inside our damn noggin and right underneath our chest.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.