Tag: mental health

New Beginnings

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Right now I’m sitting outside on my deck thinking back on the past couple of years I’ve lived in this town. Thankfully I’ve been able to step away from work for a few minutes. I’ve had some good moments, I’ve enjoyed the backyard component of my house, but boy am I happy to finally have a way to get out.

This week my debt will be paid off. I’ll be measuring what I need for carpet & hardwood for the upcoming sale of my residence, and I’ll be moving back to my hometown to rent for a few months before deciding what to do next. That’s somewhat based off what job I land next, but who knows what could happen.

All I know is I’m grateful. Throughout the past six to seven months, I’ve been completely lost on the map. Now I’ve seemingly found some direction. I have some plans in place. I’m working towards some goals. That’s a good enough start for me.

Life hasn’t been all that bad here. I’ve learned quite a bit about owning a home, fixing random things (like my sink, my sink always has issues – can’t wait to be rid of that thing), and gardening as I’ve mentioned before. I’ve found passions in things I never thought I’d find passion in, like cooking. I’ve picked up reading again because I haven’t had anything to do socially in this town. There really are many positives that came out of these last two years, but I’m ready to move on. And now it’s becoming real – my next step in life is really unknown, but at least I know I have a next step.

My buddy tries to get me to do a five year plan. I want to, I really do, but I can barely think a week ahead let alone five years. Maybe once the house is sold & I’ve settled into a new place with more friendly faces around, I’ll be able get that plan done. Highly unlikely, but I’d like to see myself do it. My buddy is usually right on what’s important and what’s not – hell, some of the reason I’m still here to this day is because of his advice.

Have I mentioned what I dislike the absolute most about where I live? The mosquitos, the flies. Just now as I’ve typed this, I’ve slapped myself in the face three times trying to swat away whatever’s attacking me. I think I’ve missed the bug every time, but I definitely haven’t missed my face.

What have I loved most about this place? This is what’s important to acknowledge. The independence it brought me. The maturity forced upon me from owning and taking care of a home. I really am proud I got here. I’m a guy that spent many months in jail as a kid, spent almost my entire high school life penned up in a random shelter, lost a brother, my mother suffered a terrible accident, and I was addicted to opiates for almost six years. It’s quite amazing that I’m sitting on my own deck watching my own two dogs eat stuff they aren’t supposed to be eating. It’s the simple things, it really is.

I really am proud of myself, and I couldn’t have done any of this without the people that love & support me. No matter how bad your situation is, I bet you can find one or two positives in it. That’s what’s kept me going, and I hope you start to look for those positives, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Life’s Opportune Shifts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Good morning.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts (if you haven’t read my previous posts, shame on you), I’ve recently went through a split/break-up. However, I don’t think I’ve mentioned I moved to a new city about two years back. Thought buying a house was a good idea around my new place of employment. WRONG. This town sucks.

Anyway, what do those two things have in common? Well, each & every day/week/month I’m limited to the occasional hang with my one and only friend in this town, but when she’s busy, well, I just have me. That’s not always a bad thing, but if it’s always the case, that’s a bad thing. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.

Two days ago I was introduced to a woman via a mutual friend. To be honest, I was skeptical, still am. However, we haven’t stopped texting in about 48 hours and she hit me with a “What’s shakin?” this morning instead of a generic “Good morning”, kinda like what I hit you with at the start of this post. I absolutely loved waking up to that. Weird people are the best. A simple “Good morning” is great, too, but nothing beats getting a “What’s shakin?” at 7 AM CST.

You know how I also mentioned I don’t have many friends around me? Well, while walking my dogs down the block yesterday, I walked past a familiar face working on his car. After a look back, a second look back, and a third look back, we both realized we knew each other. And thankfully for good reason.

I guess he and his wife moved in about a week ago. Literally like across the street and two houses down. Nuts. I’ve played a few rec league basketball seasons with this guy & we’ve always connected on the court for a couple of reasons:

  1. We don’t put up with bullshit/crying/excuses on the court
  2. We love throwing our body weight around & possibly causing a testosterone-driven brawl in the paint

He’s a super good dude. Someone I considered a friend while we played basketball each Wednesday, losing majority of the time but hey, we had teams that wanted to beat both of us up at the end of the game & that was a big enough win for us at times. Typical men, I know.

So life’s crazy, opportune shifts. Weird, huh? I started my morning two days ago texting my father I have absolutely nothing fucking to do here in this town. Barely any friends & it’s not like I’m in the best spot to “get out there”.

Well, within 48 hours, quite a bit shifted. Who knows what will happen with this woman, but right now we’re having great conversation & supposedly a date next week. Who knows what my neighbor will be like off the basketball court, but right now I have a chance to be around somewhat of a friend & build off of that. Plus, there’s a basketball hoop up the street at the neighborhood park. Maybe we’ll start there.

I wanted to give up two days ago. I’m sure I’ll want to give up two days from now. It always shifts – that ALWAYS shifts. But sometimes you have to remember that the good shifts almost always outweigh the bad shifts. I went from crying in my bedroom at 7 AM Monday morning to setting up a date with an absolutely gorgeous woman inside-and-out (seemingly) & having a really cool dude move in across the street from me by Wednesday. Also, side note, he likes hot peppers, so I finally have someone to offload the 12,083,203 lbs of peppers I have growing in my backyard.

Life is random. You never know what’s going to happen next. I so almost went with that Forrest Gump quote, oh I was so close. You’re lucky I didn’t do it. I was hopeless two days ago. Absolutely hopeless. At least that’s how I felt. We get down on ourselves like that quite often. We shouldn’t. We do, but we shouldn’t. Why? Because if we keep going strong, if we don’t give up, we always give ourselves a shot at an opportune shift in our daily lives.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Balance & Other Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

If you’re anything like me, you work yourself down to the bone. I mean even today is a good example. It’s 5 PM CST & I haven’t given myself a moment to take a bite of anything outside a few ripe cherry tomatoes in the backyard garden.

But days like today are good. You just need to make sure you give yourself days that aren’t like this. If you can do both, well, I think you’re on the right track. At least that’s what I’ve been told by 10-15 therapists.

Balance takes place in many aspects of our lives, whether it’s work, love, friendship, traveling – really anything.

My father always told me one thing, well two. I’ve listened to him, but haven’t done the best in acting like him after listening if I have to admit.

  1. Don’t fall into debt
  2. Too much of one thing isn’t a good thing (cough, cough… balance)

Yeah, he ripped it off from Twain, I know. It’s still better to hear those words from your father than it is to hear it from good ol’ Twain.

So you might be asking yourself, “Well hey now, you just told us that you worked yourself too hard today & doesn’t that mean you don’t have balance?” WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? I’m here, writing, and this is something I love. This isn’t work. This is that balance.

Thanks for reading, really any of you out there. It means quite a bit to me. I sometimes start writing & have no clue what I’m going to write.
Example A: What you just read.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Another Monday

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I might be the only person that says this, but right now I LOVE MONDAYS.

The weekends are the worst right now. The obvious problem is the pandemic, but also going through emotional struggle during this time isn’t fun, either. You’re either stuck at home with your own thoughts or you’re stuck out at the bar trying not to think of your own thoughts. It’s a weird time.

So what does Monday bring to me? My routine. My routine is so very important for me. Wake up to my puppy scratching my eyelid, feed the dogs after a slight scolding for the pup that tried to rip my eyelid open, and head off to the gym. When I get back, I make some coffee & eat some yogurt. Sounds boring, right? Does it sound more interesting if I say that sometimes I also eat a banana? Nah. Still boring, but it keeps my head in a good place.

I’m starting to really love the weekdays. I never thought I’d say that to myself, and I really hope I begin to start loving the weekends again, but at least I enjoy 5/7 days of the week (for the most part, not all the time, but for the most part).

Routine is everything for a guy like me & I think routine is extremely helpful when you’re going through shit. Find something you can stick to and stick with. Make it an absolute necessity to get that shit done BUT don’t beat yourself up if you just don’t make it happen that day.

So yeah, I kinda love Mondays now. Weird.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Writing to Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’ll admit, you probably won’t find anything special in this post. Not much motivation today & I’m starving – breaded pork chops almost finished in the oven. The timer starts now.

Today I racked my brain because of one thing: I didn’t write a blog yesterday. Yeah, maybe that’s not a big deal, but the reason I didn’t write one is definitely a big deal. I was lost, beat up, and felt like giving up. Luckily, I have that support system I keep telling you about. However, I should’ve given myself some support. How? By writing.

I’ve found that no matter how many people actually read this damn thing, it helps me break what feels like a blood clot in my chest. It helps me breathe. It helps me… be me. Writing is truly beautiful. Reading, not so much. I’ve had enough of the self-help books & awareness books by now. I’ll definitely keep reading them, but my mind can’t take the rawness of them at the current moment.

So, yeah. I don’t really have much going on today or tonight. I’m still getting over a break-up and to be honest, it’s destroying me each and every day. I keep fighting because I know I have to. I keep writing because I know I have to. I keep living because I know I have to.

Don’t let this post get you down. This is a good thing. This is a person, distressed, making sure they’re taking care of themselves any which way possible. You should try it, honestly.

Whether it’s writing or… fishing? I don’t know what the opposite would be to writing, but fishing sounds much less intense & self-defeating. Find someone or something that’s an outlet for you. Find a way to to get everything and anything off your chest.

None of you know me. None of you can judge me (because I won’t know about it, but you probably do judge me… how dare you). I do hope I help some people on this. I’m not doing it all for myself, I promise you that. About 95% for myself, yeah, but the other 5% goes to you. I’ve always been a generous guy.

Again, no clue what the hell you’ll get out of this. Just find an outlet, alright? Don’t stew on your bullshit. It’s not healthy. I say that as I spent about two hours this morning moping and crying. Again, just because I type this some nice, feel-good shit doesn’t mean I live it every moment of the day. I fail so, so often. It’s OK to fail. It’s OK to fail as long as you know you can win someday.

I’m hoping tomorrow is that day. I really do. Most likely it won’t be, but that hope keeps me going. Along with this writing. OH! And those pork chops. Time to pull them out of the oven.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Finding Joy in Simplicity – Or the Other Way Around

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

There’s one chore in the day that I always brings me joy – actually, if I didn’t get this one chore done, I’d probably be on the other side of joy.

You’ll never guess what it is. It’s too simple. Way too simple. Doesn’t make any sense, really, as to why it provides joy. But it does.

The simple chore is watering my garden. Yes, you’re probably thinking, “This dude is about to write a blog on watering his garden,” and you’re probably right. We’ll see where the keyboard takes us. And if it takes us there, so be it.

I’ve asked myself many times why this 30-40 minute chore lights up my day. I really can’t figure out an answer to that question, and quite frankly, I don’t think it matters. Maybe I’ll get to that by the end of this blog – usually that’s what happens. Ah, the power of writing and self-exploration. Anyway, what matters is the end result: Joy.

I start with my garden beds, filled with way too many peppers, tomatoes, and herbs. I wish I had a few more people in my life to share these with, but I do my best to bring the Shishito peppers to a certain friend and the hot peppers to a friend that enjoys stuffed cheeseburgers. My mother loves tomatoes, so she gets priority on those. You’d think that’s what would bring me joy, but it’s not. Yes, giving is something is fulfilling and should never be taken for granted, but allowing growth and life by a simple action of turning on some water… that’s where the joy comes from for me.

Also, have you ever just stopped and watched a sprinkler do its job? It really is mesmerizing. Highly recommend.

I recently purchased a couple of bushes for the front of my house. Two plants that I’m really proud of – yes, I’m proud of my plants. They’re doing quite well, thank you very much. Each evening, right around 8 PM CST, I go outside and water those two new additions to my garden family. Each time I inspect the health of the bushes & notice the immense growth these bushes are experiencing. That’s what brings me that joy I keep harping on about. See! We ended up with a reason for the joy! Again, the power of writing and self-observation.

Why are these new bushes growing? Well, the sun helps, obviously – but the genuine joy I have when I water my garden helps, too.

I do want you to get something out of this blog. I know what I want you to get out of this. It’s something that one of my favorite therapists said to me years back after getting over an intense breakup: Celebrate the small happinesses in your life.

Now, what’s that mean? What constitutes a small happiness? Again, it’s quite simple. Did you make yourself a sandwich today & enjoy that sandwich? That’s a small happiness. Did you open the door for someone today and receive a thank you? That’s a small happiness. The list goes on and on, but really it’s about appreciating the simple things in life as much as the complex.

Don’t take anything for granted. When I move from this house, I’ll miss my garden. However, I’ll start another one, and I’ll water it each & every day.

Joy is something we don’t experience every day. Notice that. Understand that. Also understand that we don’t experience it because we don’t allow ourselves to experience it. It always comes down to the “bigger” things in life, but joy can come from some of the most customary acts in our life.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Something About Forgiveness

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Couldn’t figure out a title there. Open to suggestions. Also open to featured image ideas. Really, any suggestions on how to run a blog would be helpful at this point.

OK, let’s set the scene.

“Adult,” aged 20… maybe 21. Can’t remember if this was opiate me or regular me. Just bought a puppy, a beautiful black german shepherd/lab mix. Something about that dog (still alive & doing amazing) pushed me to apply at a startup natural pet food store. Recently opened in one of the nicer pockets of town, it seemed like the perfect job at the time. And it was. It was a job I felt a sense of purpose whenever I walked through that door & heard their dog paw chime. Being around animals, around people loving animals, and helping people help those animals live longer. Can’t get that much better for me. If you’re feeding your dog and/or cat Purina or Science Diet, shame on you. Seriously, stop.

I was hired as an under-the-table inventory manager (did I do the hyphen thing right?). The first manager in this little shop’s history. Remember, I was 20, maybe 21. Either really drugged out or trying to work through how to live life without being drugged out. Probably not the best guy to put in that position, but the sweet, innocent owners didn’t know that. Us drug addicts are pros at putting on a face.

The owners were both first generation immigrants, one from Asia, one from Europe. They moved to my hometown to finish up college and pursue opportunities, and they did just that. They followed their passion of business, they followed their passion of animals. They were people I connected with right away – and now that I think about it… they might’ve been the best bosses I’ve ever had.

Anyway, you’re probably asking yourself why any of this matters. Well, I’m sure you can guess I messed up somehow, you just don’t know how bad.

I can’t remember my motive, honestly I can’t. Maybe I was lacking money for rent, maybe I needed money for drugs. Maybe I was just a klepto. Again, I don’t remember, but I do remember finding a way to work the system with a “return item” hack. Essentially I would find an item in the store, run it through the system, and return it. Rather simple when you think about it, and as the inventory manager, it was something only I would notice… for a while.

After putting a dent in the bottom line for about two to three months, the owners finally figured it out. Being the genuinely nice people they were, they allowed me to pay them back & not involve the cops. Of course I apologized, but I don’t remember meaning it. My mind was on getting caught. Again, I was a shiiiiiitty young adult/kid/whatever. There wasn’t a reason to be kind to me, but they decided to be kind. More importantly, they decided to forgive.

Today I stopped at the store, a new one since they’ve done so well since over the past decade or so. They’re now at four stores along with an online presence. It’s really great to see.

I walked in and noticed the gentleman owner. It was he & I, alone, in the store, no music, no nothing. I was scared, really I was. Every time I enter one of their stores I instantly think of how I robbed the damn place. Let me repeat what I did for those in the back: I robbed a natural pet food store owned by first generation immigrants.

Being alone, the owner & I collectively decided to start a conversation, and quickly I developed the absolute need to genuinely apologize. I didn’t go in there thinking this moment would happen, but it did. The response I received was… well, after writing this, I guess expected. The owner assured me over & over that he held nothing against me. The owner asked questions about how I was doing, what I’m doing for work, & where I’m living nowadays. He treated me like the first day I met him – that’s true forgiveness.

I talked, he listened. After that, I listened, he talked. Now you might be thinking, “Oh, they’re just exchanging niceties.” WRONG. Why would you think that? Why are you so pessimistic all the time?!

The owner talked about bringing me back on staff, impromptu. Was I surprised? Hell yes I was. I took from this man when he had one store & barely afforded his one bedroom apartment. Yet this man, being the type of person he is, looked past my one bad moment (well, my two to three months of bad moments) & decided to look at the good of me. Something maybe I should do a bit more often.

As always, I have no fucking clue what you’ll get out of this post. It was just a cool moment I wanted to share with you. I hope you have a cool moment soon.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Accepting Help

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes you have to let go of your pride, your guilt, & just accept help.

No, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to myself. This is a hard thing for me to grasp.

As my neighbor behind me plays the national anthem at 7:12 PM CST (no idea why he plays it three times a day), I sit here on a tiny cushion in the middle of my freshly mowed lawn (oh boy do I love a freshly mowed lawn). I don’t want to hear the anthem followed by some talk radio show (again, why? Just why? Listen to it inside, listen to it with headphones, but don’t blare it across the fucking neighborhood), but it’s not that bad. I can still somewhat focus on what I’m writing about, I swear. It’s not like I’ve…

Shit.

Anyway, let’s get back to my problem of accepting help – specifically medical & financial help. It’s hard. I don’t know which one is more difficult for me – medical help means I’m weak (to me) & financial help means I’m weak (to me). However, I’ve been told that some of the deepest regrets come from not accepting a genuine attempt of someone trying to help you (yeah, I confused myself with that sentence, too). I kinda believe it. I also kinda hate the thought of being weak. I mean, I already feel that enough each & every day. Last thing I want to do is add to that feeling.

But maybe I’m just a fucking idiot. And maybe realizing that fact isn’t terrible in this circumstance. Why would my pride, my ego, any guilt be any reason I turn down help right now? I fucking need help. You’re reading this blog, you can tell I’m all over the damn place.

I’m being offered help & my stupid ass was pushing it away. Until I didn’t. I finally said yes. I said the word “yes.” I didn’t say it loudly. I didn’t say it proudly. But I said it. I said it. And I’m grateful not just for the support around me, the help I’m receiving, but also that I came to the right conclusion on this matter. I didn’t let my pride stand in my way for too long.

Never turn down help because you think you’re bigger than that. You aren’t. We’re all small here. That’s a reason we do better when we’re around others. People help people, I’ll say it till I die.

I really have no clue what you’ll pull from this blog. Honestly I don’t. I find myself writing just to write now, which is… refreshing. My buddy always says to end everything with a positive. I think I’ll stop here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waking Up Feeling* Empty

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know how to guide anyone on this topic. Really, I don’t. I’m scrambling myself right now trying to cope with the title of this blog. Each morning it feels like something new, but it’s almost impossible to pick out why I feel the way I feel from one day to the next. I’ll admit it, last night I felt empty as well. This morning? It’s amplified.

My initial thoughts this morning were along the lines of:
– What the fuck do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Meh, vacation is over. Back to my normal routine.
– I’ll be alone all day.
– At least I have my dogs.
– Will my dogs be enough?
– Holy shit what do I do for the next 16 hours?
– Will I be able to eat today?
– Can I go back to bed?
– This blog

As you can see, every one of those internal questions if begging an answer out of me. Asking me, “are you empty inside?” I can’t answer this question completely and truthfully. My best guess at this moment is sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. There’s really no rhyme or reason behind it any longer. And it is getting very, very tough.

When I was on vacation, I mostly thought of my limitations. I’ve always wanted to live in Boston, but a shitty house with an even more shitty backyard costs $1MM or above. How does anyone afford that, especially coming from the midwest? Yes, start small, I get it. But I have two giant dogs that keep me sane. I’m not leaving them behind.

I guess the only thing that’s helped me this morning is my routine. Jumping on the computer, typing out random shit, and answering a few work calls. It’s a weird mix to go from writing about emptiness, depression, anxiety to all of a sudden answering a call to discuss a sales deal I have in the works. It really is. Two completely different worlds. One real, one fake.

I’ve thought about asking for a leave of absence from my job as I work through these difficulties, but during COVID-19 that’s just an impossible ask. I’ve thought about doing an MBA, but I have no fucking money. I don’t want more debt. Yes, it’s an investment in yourself. I understand. But did you actually read what I wrote above? I’m at the point where I don’t feel like investing is my best bet. It’s all about survival right now.

I know this post probably doesn’t help you. Hell, it probably isn’t helping me. But I needed to put it out there. I needed a couple sets of eyes to see this, hear this, and hopefully use this as some sort of way to tell themselves “I’m not empty inside.” Because, well, most likely you aren’t. You probably just feel that way, similar to me. How do we snap out of it? I’m open to any suggestions. Really. Any suggestion.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

* emphasis on the feeling, not necessarily the possibile reality

Waking Up in an Unfamiliar Place

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

If you read my blog from yesterday morning, you would know I’m currently on vacation. I’m doing my best to call it a vacation, but this morning proved to me it’s also a challenge. And a big one at that.

I messed up RIGHT AWAY in this challenge. I texted my ex this morning once I woke up. I don’t know if I dreamed about something (never can remember my dreams) or something just took control over me, but I did it. And I regret it. She’s on an island right now – I’m in some random apartment in Boston. Big difference there, eh? Be more positive, I know.

OK, let’s get to the topic at hand. Sorry, had to let a little bit out of what I’m going through this morning, and I guess that ties into the subject matter of this morning: Waking up in a new place (with anxiety, depression, etc., but you all know where this is going, why do I keep explaining myself?).

Waking up in a new place is never easy for those that suffer from mental illness or lack essential mental awareness. I mean, shit, the yoga meditation I use to fall asleep took me THREE times last night. I usually knock out in five minutes (the meditation is 18 minutes). It was tough. I woke up at 6 AM and didn’t have the balls to get out of bed for another two hours. I knew this morning would be tough. I didn’t think it’d be this tough. I knew I’d have to pull out my computer and start typing so I can get through this shi. Why? Because I can’t be a depressed piece of shit all day long. That’s no vacation. That’s imprisoning myself.

So how do I snap out of it? Well, right here is a good start. Honestly taking my meds is another good start. So, I’m 2/2 so far. What else? I’m racking my brain here and finding nothing, so if you have any input, I’d much appreciate it.

Massachusetts allows recreational cannabis. I mean, that could be an option. If I go to a dispensary, we can count that as 3/3, right?

All jokes aside (that last question wasn’t a joke, who am I kidding?), I feel kinda fucked this morning. I’m sure I’ll snap out of it, whatever that means. I always do at some point in the day. And that’s what I look forward to, but you want to know the healthiest shit you can do when you’ve woken up distressed about God knows what? Soak in it. Embrace it. Take it in. Let the thoughts come and go. It fucking hurts, I know. I know it hurts. But you have to let those thoughts in or else they’ll come back ten times harder the next time.

So next time you find yourself waking up in an unfamiliar area, remember there are things you can do to help make it feel right. And it always starts with you.

Also, yes, I know this wasn’t my best work. You don’t have to critique me, I can handle that on my own.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Update: We ended up getting invited to a beach house in Cape Cod. Told ya, just keep living and shit works out.