Tag: mental awareness

Shift to Optimism

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I hope you’re doing well this morning. (You can tell I just typed an email for work just by that line itself.)

I woke up today feeling a shift. A good shift. An optimistic shift. Weird, yeah? So let’s break down what happened between yesterday where I posted something like “well, this is the end”, to now, where I’m talking about being optimistic.

The human brain is weird, man.

Yesterday I felt of no importance to anything that’s going on in this world–even in my world. Today I woke up, decided to treat myself to some extra sleep, and I’m just starting work at 8:45 AM. And guess what? I feel good about it. I feel good about today.

I really think boxing is the main charge behind my shift in moods. I sparred yesterday with a pro and honestly, I felt like I did a great job. Did he land more than one liver shot on me? Yes. Did that feel good? No. But you bet your ass I landed quite a few shots (and not just shots but combinations) on the guy. It felt good, even though I do have a bruise over my right eye and I might have overextended my right elbow (if that’s a thing). Anyway, ice will fix it all–that’s not the point.

Boxing is known as one of my passions. Something that keeps me going. But I know that’s not sustainable. I need to figure out what’s going on within me so I can better combat what happened yesterday and the day before yesterday. I think you should look at this problem, too. What can you do to better combat those negative days or moments? Once you figure something out, feel free to share. I’ll do the same.

I also had some wonderful help from my very best friend yesterday. He helped push me towards a new career–marketing–and I think it could be a great fit. Sales is getting a bit… meh for me. Hey, I made it four years. That’s not too shabby. Better than the 3-6 months I spent bartending at each bar before I left. My “loyalty” or whatever is much better now. Someone you can trust, kinda. I still have my meltdowns so you have to give me a break every so often.

It’s good to look outside yourself for help, ya know. I made sure yesterday to reach out to those I trust and to those I know will not judge me or dislike me for pushing back. Pushing back is natural for me. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s how my mind validates “ok, well this is bad, but doing THAT much sounds worse, so let’s just keep doing bad”. It’s fucked, I know. That’s why I’m grateful for the level-headed people I have in my support system. More importantly, I’m grateful for those who care enough to sit down with me when I’m feeling… well, like that crazy guy I always talk about (me). It’s helpful. I hope you have one or more of those people in your life. I really do.

When you’re dealing with someone with mental illness, I think a Walt Whitman quote should always pop into your brain:

Be curious, not judgmental.

Walt Whitman

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feels Like the End

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

This morning really hurt. There’s no real way to put it or make it clear, but I’m at my limit.

I can’t seem to get anything going. My happiness is dead in the water. I wrote about it yesterday but again, every day feels the damn same. Yes, progress can be made with routine, but I’m 30. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hate my line of work. I don’t gather as much enjoyment from boxing these days. I’ve reached my limit.

So what next? That’s what I’ve been asking myself all day. Obviously I have to keep working–don’t want to end up homeless. But how do I work well when I have zero passion in what I do?

How do I survive when I have zero passion for my life right now?

What the shit do I do to turn things around? Or am I stuck like this, forever? Will I always have one good day followed by a litter of bad days? I mean, I guess that’s how this whole blog started–read the damn name of the blog. Two Sides of Me. Shit, I’m beginning to think there’s 20 sides of me. And 19 of them aren’t good.

And not only does this impact me, but it makes me not want to interact with others because I’m just no damn good for anyone right now. I lash out, I attack, I am irritable. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here.

It does feel like the end. Will I quit? No. Do I want to? No. Is life unpredictable? Yes.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Fire Within

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

That title felt super nerdy to write. It’s fitting. I am a nerd.

What’s the title mean, though? Well, as usual, today I thought I was down and out. I even had the thought “Well, once I’m done coaching tonight, it’s just the same old day the next day”.

I hate having that thought. It happens too often.

But I changed it around for myself. I took a quick nap, shook loose a bit, and made sure to reach out to some friends. You know what I found out? Talking to people helps–even if it’s not about the issues you’re experiencing at that very moment. Sometimes the distraction can build you back up. Today, that’s what happened. I’m rejuvenated, fired up to go into training. Fired up to work on someone’s resume this evening. And somewhat fired up for tomorrow.

Will I have that same damn thought tomorrow? Maybe. But if I do, I’ll remember writing this–and I should be OK then.

Things have been scary recently. They really have. I don’t know if I’m just lonely or what, but a lot of my old self is resurfacing. A lot of anger, anonymous from the source, and a bunch of misdirected emotions. Something tells me I’m in for a rough month, but hey, let’s give it a shot and at least see what happens, yeah? It’s not the end of the world.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Confusing Days

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Sometimes my days consist of me fighting off all the negativity within my head. Today was one of those days—and I never got ahold of it.

I know I can drop this moment and move forward, move past it. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter—right?

Wrong.

I need to figure out why I have so many poor days. So many days where my mind traps my body. I speak about awareness, but I have so much to work on in that area. Let’s do this together, yeah?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Breathing

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I hope you are doing FANTASTIC today.

Another quick post. Sorry, it’s just a habit now to write. I thought I’d be done considering I hit that 100-day streak, but nope, here I am. I’m going to be done apologizing about this now, too.

Breathing. It’s interesting, isn’t it? We don’t even notice we’re doing it half the time. But it’s so very important.

I just finished up running a couple of miles and I finally figured out what was holding me back from getting to my goal: My breathing. Once I adjusted my breathing to the cadence of my running, everything fell into place. Some might say that’s a metaphor. Some might say that’s deep. But I meant it literally. However, we can turn it into a metaphor.

The cadence of your life must be combatted or matched by your breath. Well, it doesn’t have to, but you’re better off when it does. Think about it. When you’re freaking out, right, what happens? You breathe heavier, faster, things get out of control. Slow. It. Down.

You’re having a splendid day. Everything is going well. Your mind and body are relaxed. What’s helping that? You, breathing correctly. Keeping it slow, relaxed, calm, etc.–all that helps you maintain that splendid day. If you start freaking out, well, you know one thing you can turn to is “How am I breathing right now“?

I’d like to look into what’s called “breath-work“. I know it’s getting quite big in the meditation world. Maybe I’ll try it out and get back to you lot about it.

Remember, breathe. Be aware of how you’re feeling and breathe accordingly. It’ll help. I promise.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Be A Goldfish

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

“Be a goldfish” isn’t my line. It’s from a show called Ted Lasso on Apple TV. Highly, highly recommend it. It’s utterly ridiculous at times but well worth it for the laughs.

Do you know what Ted means when he says “Be a goldfish”? Well, according to the script in the show, goldfish keep a memory for approximately ten seconds. Just ten seconds. So when a goldfish has a bad day or fucks up or whatever, it simply forgets that shit ten seconds later. Insane. I mean, I knew fish weren’t bright. I knew that. But ten seconds? Sometimes that would be nice to have as a human.

And that’s why I’m writing AGAIN to you lot today. I was supposed to stop, give myself a rest from writing, but nope… here I am again.

I want to be like a goldfish. I thought I had this month figured out with my job but I got scratched, slapped, and punched yesterday. Almost all of my deals off the table for this month. Bummer, right?

Well, it could be a bummer for only ten seconds. That’s the goal now–remember? Be a goldfish.

What are we talking about here? 😉

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Venting Required

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m sorry. I need to vent.

I’ve had one fucking hell of a day at work. Three proposals, three no’s. Shit.

The worst part of it all? I have no fucking clue where I went wrong. I’ve been diligent in my research, curious with my questions, and mapped solutions to all pain points, yet I’m walking away with nothing. Oh, and my boss witnessed it all. That part sucks, too.

I wasn’t going to write today, but already it’s made me calm down a bit. I know this blog post isn’t probably what you wanted to read when you clicked in but hey, maybe I’ll write something influential next time.

I guess when I think about it, I don’t think I did do anything wrong or incorrect. If anything, these proposals were out of my control after a certain point, whether it was cost or timing. I need to remind myself that I am good at my job and I do drive results. Also, my career doesn’t define me. I’d love to move out of sales but I don’t know where I would go. That’s the main problem. That’s where I really need to figure something out.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I’m Back

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I know, it’s only been a day, but I’m back because I’m bored. I’m just too damn efficient at work. I type too fast, call too fast, organize too fast, so fast that I end up with 3-4 hours at the end of the day to do… well, this?

So I’m writing to you lot once again. Tonight I have sparring in a different city–I’m excited about that. Outside of that, I’m feeling rather lonely. My best friend started his job and it’s a serious gig, so no more late night vidjie games with him. I know, I’m 30. I should have better things to do.

The thing is, where I live the only options I have are… well, unhealthy options. Going out for drinks, grabbing food (I tend to order SO MUCH that I’m allergic to), and/or sleeping with women. Yeah, my options seem limited. I mean, most of my buddies have a wife and kid(s). But maybe I’m limiting myself.

I spoke about hobbies a week ago. Sadly I haven’t yet find the time on the weekends to look into these further, but photography is #1 on the list. So let’s send out a couple questions to the readers here.

If you were starting off in photography, what would be your first purchase to get going?

If you were starting off in photography, would you recommend taking a class or learning outside of a classroom?

Thank you in advance.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

100 Freakin’ Days

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Welp, we finally made it. We’ve hit the 100-day streak, baby! We originally set out for a week, then we pushed it to 30. There were whispers, “there’s no chance he makes it.” but HA, how wrong were they? Then we hit fiddy. I thought we were done there but nope, the fingers kept tip-tapping.

75. No way.

80. Must be running out of gas (definitely was).

90. So close yet so far.

95. End soon? Nothing to really write about.

100. Here we are. Here we freakin’ are. (I’ll stop using that word now.)

I’ve been thinking about this moment for, well, like just yesterday. Not going to lie to you lot. I didn’t think this far ahead. So now that we are at 100, I feel like I should post a reflection on what this accomplishment means to me. Or better yet, what this accomplishment has taught me along the way. I might pull from some blog posts if I gain the courage to read back that far (I cringe at my writing like most writers). We’ll see what this turns into. It’s always a surprise, isn’t it? I think we should keep it that way. Especially on the last day (spoiler, I will be moving to a post a week, maybe two).

OK, so what first happened to start all of this? I think I was just starting my new job, yep, looks like it was that. It was extremely slow the first month or so at the new gig, so it makes sense I decided to start typing nonsense every day to fill time.

Ah, the 30-day post! And of course, I posted it from my phone. Sheesh. What did I write about here? Ah! I established that I built the habit by the 30-day mark. That was a huge moment. Made me feel like I could keep going and going and going, and well, look where we’re at now.

Some themes I’m noticing as I look back: Gratitude, awareness, and doggos. Oh, constant mood changes, too. It’s almost as if the name of this blog actually makes sense. The mood changes, reflecting on them now, make me feel… alive. I mean this blog wouldn’t exist without my little bit of crazy (or lotta bit). I’m grateful for that. This blog helped me become aware of my mood changes and aware of all of the things I should be grateful for. Am I grateful all of the time? Hell no, but I’m working towards it. This blog proves that.

Some girl problems happen throughout the rest of the way. Oh, I also snuck in “quote days”, which were really just lazy days for me. Yes, I made sure to provide quotes that I actually like and resonate with me, but simply enough I just didn’t have anything to write to you lot on those days. I hope you appreciated the quotes as they were filled with much more wisdom than I possess, ha!

So this is the end, eh? We’ll see. Now I know I can quite a bit of what I set my mind to. This is day 100, baby. Day 100. That’s insane. Last year I thought blogging was somewhat stupid, now I’m slapping myself in the face for not starting sooner.

I highly recommend putting your thoughts into something, whether it’s actual conversation or written word, I highly recommend it. It’s kept me at ease, kept negative thoughts at bay, and helped me grow significantly over the past 3-4 months. Well, shit, I guess over the past year. I started this thing last July (2020). I didn’t think we’d make it this far. I thought I’d be dead. I guess I thought wrong. Thank you for helping.

Don’t worry, this isn’t goodbye. Will you see a post from me tomorrow? Maybe. But I do want to move to posts with more substance, so as I mentioned above, we might move to a 1-2 blog posts a week schedule. Still TBD.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being such great readers. For tagging along this entire time. For making me feel heard. You lot are something special.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Productive

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

That was supposed to be a play on “So Seductive” but I don’t think it worked. My apologies.

Productivity is a gray area for me. Sometimes it’s fantastic, sometimes it’s shit. So what makes that difference?

Mental state. Awareness. Understanding why you’re doing what you’re doing. Sometimes we’re productive for absolutely no reason. We’d be better off sleeping or drinking more water, so we have to be certain that we’re spending our time on the items that truly matter to US. Well, truly matters to you.

Today I did things that matter to me. A good dog walk, solid work, and a two-mile run at a decent pace. I’ll finish up the day with my normal coaching and a 1:1 training session with my boxing coach. An ideal day for me.

What’s an ideal day for you? I’d love to hear from my readers here. Everyone is so different. We all have different vices that keep us going. Some call them passions. They can be passions at time, but they are vices, too. Without them, we may be more lost than we already are.

Remember, it’s amazing to be productive. Just make sure you know why you’re being productive. Don’t waste your time on nonsense, like reading this blog ;).

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.