Tag: home

Holding On

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

In my last post, I mentioned I was moving out of my first home ever purchased. So far, to the naked eye, it’s seemingly going great. I have food at my disposal at my new place of residence, people taking care of my laundry, etc.. The only problem: I’m almost 30 years old staying with my parents as I search for a new house.

I have a career, some money saved up, I know. It’s not bad. It could be a lot worse. I understand that. However, I’m still without passion. I still count down the hours of the day. I still can’t find anything to hold on to. I’m lost, & now more lost without a place to call my home.

I’ll find something soon enough. Problem there is, I don’t really know if I want to stay in this city. I don’t know if I want to stay in this state. I don’t know if I want to stay in this country. I’m just lost, man. I need something to hold on to.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What’s Been Going On

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, all!

Sorry I haven’t posted in a minute. Life’s been hectic. Very hectic. Let’s recap.

After 3-4 days of work, and thankfully a ton of help from my Pops, my house went on the market. It sold in LESS THAN 24 HOURS. Insane! Official close date isn’t till December, so I have some time – however, I don’t have a next spot to live. I’m currently searching for houses, but it’s not going so well. Hopefully a gem pops up over the next couple of weeks.

As for the rest of my life? Let’s not get into that on this post. Just a bunch of nonsense anyway, but things look up for me most days. That’s progress.

Cheers to a busy life!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reflections: Flying Home

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’m sitting in a Burger King right now. Checked in for my flight, head home here in just an hour or so.

What has this trip meant to me?

I originally embarked on this trip filled with zero expectations. I think I managed that. I never set anything in stone on things I had to get done, places I had to see, or people I had to meet. I did a good job on that.

However, I don’t know why I feel like I didn’t do enough this trip. It could have something to do with my crippling depression & constant need for naps throughout the trip to pass some time. But when I think about those naps, they managed to get me through some really tough mental moments.

I leave Maine knowing I saw what I could see. I ventured out as much as I could. I did give it my all. Now I head home without an ounce of knowledge on what to do next, & that’s a scary thought.

My parents will be there for me. My dogs will be there for me.

What did I learn about myself this trip? I still have a knack for meeting strangers and befriending them. That’s good to know. Maybe when I get back home it’ll be time to head back out to bars, to head back out & just talk with people. Maybe I’ll make some new friends. Maybe I’ll rekindle friendships with those that I’ve put aside recently due to my mental state.

This was a positive trip. I maybe cried a bit more than I’d care to admit, but I did something I didn’t think was possible for me. Hell, I thought I might drive off a cliff when I was heading up & down Cadillac Mountain, I was that poor off. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Fighting. Living somewhat, but mostly fighting.

I can’t wait to see my dogs. I can’t wait to be in my own bed. I am excited for what’s next. I’m proud to feel that way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

New Beginnings

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Right now I’m sitting outside on my deck thinking back on the past couple of years I’ve lived in this town. Thankfully I’ve been able to step away from work for a few minutes. I’ve had some good moments, I’ve enjoyed the backyard component of my house, but boy am I happy to finally have a way to get out.

This week my debt will be paid off. I’ll be measuring what I need for carpet & hardwood for the upcoming sale of my residence, and I’ll be moving back to my hometown to rent for a few months before deciding what to do next. That’s somewhat based off what job I land next, but who knows what could happen.

All I know is I’m grateful. Throughout the past six to seven months, I’ve been completely lost on the map. Now I’ve seemingly found some direction. I have some plans in place. I’m working towards some goals. That’s a good enough start for me.

Life hasn’t been all that bad here. I’ve learned quite a bit about owning a home, fixing random things (like my sink, my sink always has issues – can’t wait to be rid of that thing), and gardening as I’ve mentioned before. I’ve found passions in things I never thought I’d find passion in, like cooking. I’ve picked up reading again because I haven’t had anything to do socially in this town. There really are many positives that came out of these last two years, but I’m ready to move on. And now it’s becoming real – my next step in life is really unknown, but at least I know I have a next step.

My buddy tries to get me to do a five year plan. I want to, I really do, but I can barely think a week ahead let alone five years. Maybe once the house is sold & I’ve settled into a new place with more friendly faces around, I’ll be able get that plan done. Highly unlikely, but I’d like to see myself do it. My buddy is usually right on what’s important and what’s not – hell, some of the reason I’m still here to this day is because of his advice.

Have I mentioned what I dislike the absolute most about where I live? The mosquitos, the flies. Just now as I’ve typed this, I’ve slapped myself in the face three times trying to swat away whatever’s attacking me. I think I’ve missed the bug every time, but I definitely haven’t missed my face.

What have I loved most about this place? This is what’s important to acknowledge. The independence it brought me. The maturity forced upon me from owning and taking care of a home. I really am proud I got here. I’m a guy that spent many months in jail as a kid, spent almost my entire high school life penned up in a random shelter, lost a brother, my mother suffered a terrible accident, and I was addicted to opiates for almost six years. It’s quite amazing that I’m sitting on my own deck watching my own two dogs eat stuff they aren’t supposed to be eating. It’s the simple things, it really is.

I really am proud of myself, and I couldn’t have done any of this without the people that love & support me. No matter how bad your situation is, I bet you can find one or two positives in it. That’s what’s kept me going, and I hope you start to look for those positives, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back to Base

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

As I sit here writing this, I don’t know quite what to say. Should I recap the trip? Should I tell you all how I felt throughout the trip? Does any of that matter now that I’m about to board the next flight to O’Hare? Do you guys really think I have nothing to say? Something will be typed out. Let’s just see if it can stay on path, but both you and I highly doubt that.

Of course that all matters (the trip, how I felt, does it matter, etc.). However, my mind is stuck on heading back home. And not all for good reasons. I do get to reunite with my dogs, B & L, but outside of that I am heading back to an empty home, and that always scares me. I’ll miss having my best friend in the next room, especially with what I’ve been going through recently.

I mean, you guys have seen it. I’m a goddamn rollercoaster. One day it’s “Man, I don’t know how I’m going to do this shit” to “Wow, life is great! You never know how great it is till it slaps you in the face.” I mean, I need some consistency there, don’t I? And today is the former. Today I feel… bad. And I can’t figure out why. I’m not exactly sad to be heading back home, but I still feel it. But I’ll get out of this slump. Mornings are always difficult.

Again, that’s the thing. As long as I keep writing this, well… really as long as I keep thinking about how difficult things can be for me, the more aware I am of how to get out of the shits. I thought getting away would help. It did, but only for a few hours a day. But hey, that’s better than nothing.

Go take that risk. Get away from what you’re comfortable from. It’s always there for you to come back to – that’s why it’s fucking comfortable. But for me, and I don’t know about you, remember that, it’s never great to be stagnant. This trip broke me out of a streak of stagnation.

Now? Now it’s back to the drawing board. Well, I have a shit ton of work I left behind so really it’s back to that, but AFTER. Well after, I’m going to continue to practice. Continue to read, write, meditate, eat healthy, and workout – all the shit you read about in those self help books. Again, that shit might not work for you. Find a routine (I know, it sounds like an ugly thing) that helps you win this battle against whatever you’re facing. You can’t just fucking sit there. I couldn’t. I had to get out. And I’m glad I did, even if it was just for 72 hours.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.