Tough Question To Answer

Hi, everyone!

Busy days are the best days, most of the time. The only reason I remembered to write this blog is due to me telling Siri to remind me in the morning. I’m an hour and a half late to writing this blog, that’s how I know I’m busy.

And it feels good.

Interviews, sales calls, boxing lessons, mentoring, dog walks, stupid video games, grocery shopping, getting the house in order, and all the rest of my daily duties are really kicking my ass–in a good way.

Are you doing enough with your time? That’s a tough question to answer. There is no counter to determine if you’re using your time the best way you can. There is no right or wrong here. However, I do recommend asking yourself that question from time to time–it might remind you to write a blog post or something ;).

People, I’m doing much better. It feels good. I don’t give a fuck if I’m bragging here. I’m doing much better. And it’s because of you and you and you and you and you and everyone else. Thank you for reading. I hope you’re doing better each and every day. This is a fucking marathon, not a sprint. Remember that, stay in the moment, keep pushing, and hopefully you come out the other side just a wee bit better the next day.

What the hell did I even write about?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Mystery Boxes

Hi, everyone.

If you’ve been reading my blog for some time, you’ll know 1 – I got out of a relationship a year ago, 2 – I sold my house that had everything of hers in it, 3 – I bought a new house.

Doesn’t sound crazy. Nothing unique. Ordinary shit, I know. But today I realized how difficult it really is to separate from someone fully, even if you haven’t talked to them in months. I mean, maybe it isn’t even possible. Yet to find out. Example? I went through my last boxes to unpack in the basement this morning. Two letters from her. Saw the handwriting, saw the name, ripped them up. Shoved them deep into a trash can and now I’m hoping I don’t think about those letters today.

Welp, I failed but I at least made it about 30 minutes till failure. Look what I’m writing about. The letters. Shit.

Maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about this. This is a natural progression into a new life, a new me, a new everything. It’s exciting going at it alone (well, not entirely alone, I do have a wonderful support system–get one, they’re helpful). But today I’m proud of one thing: I didn’t lose my damn mind over this. Instead, I disposed of the letters and moved on to the next box. A few months back? I would have stopped right there. Went to my bed. Laid down. Got a bit high. Try to fall asleep. Try to forget.

Now? Well, here I am, writing to you about it. I call that growth. If your read my post from… yesterday? Well, we could call this ordinary courage. Have you made small progressions you haven’t yet noticed? I bet you have. I didn’t notice this till it slapped me in my face. Go ahead, take a look in the mirror. I bet you’re better today than you were yesterday, and if not, you’re on your way. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be up reading this. You’d be in the fetal position in your bed, wondering what the fuck to do next. I’ve been there. A lot of individuals have been there. Keep motherfuckin’ pushing. It’s worth it. I promise. I wouldn’t be telling you this shit every single post if I didn’t believe it to be true myself. You. Can. Do. This. Shit.

And if you’re in the fetal position in your bed while reading this, please know that we’re here for you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A 6 AM Start

Yeah, you read that right.

Hi, everybody!

One thing I haven’t done in AGES is wake up at an “early” time. I’m a 7:30 AM – 8 AM type of guy. Today however, well today I woke up at noon 6 AM. I was going to go back to sleep, but you know what I did? I stood up. Crazy, right? Then I let my dogs out. Then I fed the dogs.

Now this is where it gets crazy.

I didn’t go back to bed. I made a full breakfast for myself. Over-easy eggs, turkey sausage, yogurt – the whole shebang. Unreal.

My colleagues were alarmed to see me on the company Slack at 7 AM and making calls by then. Like seriously, super alarmed. I was asked if I was doing OK because of how early I started today.

I know I’ll crash today, but I am proud of myself for one thing today: Deciding to stand up.

I’m going to pat myself on the back. You should do the same.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quarantine Boredom

Hey, everyone.

My mood’s dropped significantly over the past few days. Luckily, I’m let out of the house here in… four days. Almost there.

I’m trying to will myself to do things I need to do, or want to do, during this quarantine, but I can’t seem to muster up enough will. How do I will will? Is that a thing? Brain feels like mush.

I hope all of you are out there enjoying life and making new memories. I’ll be back out there soon enough.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Checking In (Again)

Hi, everyone.

To be honest, I’ve been so busy I forgot that I run a blog. My apologies. For those that read my stuff – thank you for reading my stuff.

Well, why have I been busy? I FINALLY HAVE MY OWN SPACE AGAIN. A place I can call home. Also, I’ve taken on ten boxers, pushing towards eleven. Life is busy as hell right now but quite spectacular (most of the time).

You know what? I hope things are looking up for you, too. If not, give it some time. Don’t give up.

OH! I’ll get back to writing on this thing soon enough. Just let me put my books, dishes, & cleaning supplies away. Need this house organized!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Snowed Under (Literally)

Hi, everybody.

I guess it’s time for a quick update. Seriously, I need to keep this quick. I have a LOT of shit I need to get done – somehow, someway.

So the title. That’s what this whole thing is about. If you’ve been following me on this blog, you know I closed on a house this week. Wait, did I tell you lot that? Well, I told you I was planning on closing on a house this week… I think I said that last week.

Fuck, I’m confusing myself right now. I can’t imagine how confused you are.

Anyway, Monday morning I closed on a beautiful house. My new home. Sunday night through Monday night, we got ten inches of snow. Found out I have a super long driveway. Awesome. I literally got a quadrant of the driveway done last night after my job & my boxing coaching & my workout. A quadrant – it took me an hour, maybe longer. Yuck.

Tonight I’ll spend another hour heaving snow & trying to use my legs to do so, but at a certain point it will be all lower back, & as I get closer to 30, that lower back gets a little bit less trustworthy.

But let’s dial back the negativity & find the positive here. It’s quite simple, really. At some point, no matter how overwhelmed or “snowed under” I am, I will finally have a house. A place I can call home. I’m excited.

Anyone know where I can find a cheap snowblower?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

New House Nerves

I close on my house this upcoming Monday. I’m extremely, actually I can’t even put it into words how pumped I really am about having my own space again. That’s what it’s about, that’s what it’s always been about when it comes to “owning” or “renting” my own space. I need that own space. I get that back Monday, but it comes at a hefty price.

Buying a house seems super fun. It’s a great achievement I guess? I mean a decent one. Most likely you’re pretty much just borrowing a fuck ton of money from the bank to buy the house for you. Then paying that shit back.

Jesus, I sound negative today, don’t I? I swear I’m not. I think I just need some food.

Anyway, I am excited about the house. My dogs will be able to sleep wherever the hell they want again & I’ll be back to a routine. Not a boring routine, but I will be able to keep a sleep schedule again. Thankfully.

I mentioned hefty price earlier. I am worried a bit. I know I can handle anything thrown my way. I do know that, but pulling out a check of most your savings in the middle of a pandemic isn’t the best feeling. Oh, my company is also looking at a way to structure our pay in an even worse manner. They won’t tell us that, though. Keep your eyes open, people.

Let’s drop all of the negativity. I get my own space again on Monday. I get something to work on, something to pour passion into. Maybe I’ll even have enough time to start another garden this upcoming Spring. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you lovely people posted.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Bar Thoughts

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Have Much To Do, Figured I’d Write To You

Hi, everybody!

As we hit the holiday season, work slows down. Life slows down a bit. My Pops is now quarantined due to possible COVID exposure, so we’re just one … happy family living with each other 24/7. Should be a fun experiment.

Oh, that reminds me, I need a new damn house or a rental. Really, anything. I’ll take anything right now. I miss my independence, not having to pay attention to how loud I’m being, & just overall having a bit more freedom. I can’t thank my parents enough for allowing me to stay at their place while I look for a new home.

So, slow days. What do you lot do on slow days? I’m thinking of doing some data-mining for work (thrilling), reading a book, & I really need to check if a soccer match is on today. Also, I have my second & third job to attend to later this afternoon. Someone’s a boxing coach again! Can ya guess who it is?

On slow days, I find it best mentally to not stress yourself out with the amount of time you have on your hands. Do what you want to do. Maybe set a couple goals for the day, but if you’re struggling mentally, don’t ram your head into a brick wall if you don’t get everything done. There’s always another slow day coming your way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.