Tag: anxiety

Mystery Boxes

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

If you’ve been reading my blog for some time, you’ll know 1 – I got out of a relationship a year ago, 2 – I sold my house that had everything of hers in it, 3 – I bought a new house.

Doesn’t sound crazy. Nothing unique. Ordinary shit, I know. But today I realized how difficult it really is to separate from someone fully, even if you haven’t talked to them in months. I mean, maybe it isn’t even possible. Yet to find out. Example? I went through my last boxes to unpack in the basement this morning. Two letters from her. Saw the handwriting, saw the name, ripped them up. Shoved them deep into a trash can and now I’m hoping I don’t think about those letters today.

Welp, I failed but I at least made it about 30 minutes till failure. Look what I’m writing about. The letters. Shit.

Maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about this. This is a natural progression into a new life, a new me, a new everything. It’s exciting going at it alone (well, not entirely alone, I do have a wonderful support system–get one, they’re helpful). But today I’m proud of one thing: I didn’t lose my damn mind over this. Instead, I disposed of the letters and moved on to the next box. A few months back? I would have stopped right there. Went to my bed. Laid down. Got a bit high. Try to fall asleep. Try to forget.

Now? Well, here I am, writing to you about it. I call that growth. If your read my post from… yesterday? Well, we could call this ordinary courage. Have you made small progressions you haven’t yet noticed? I bet you have. I didn’t notice this till it slapped me in my face. Go ahead, take a look in the mirror. I bet you’re better today than you were yesterday, and if not, you’re on your way. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be up reading this. You’d be in the fetal position in your bed, wondering what the fuck to do next. I’ve been there. A lot of individuals have been there. Keep motherfuckin’ pushing. It’s worth it. I promise. I wouldn’t be telling you this shit every single post if I didn’t believe it to be true myself. You. Can. Do. This. Shit.

And if you’re in the fetal position in your bed while reading this, please know that we’re here for you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Something I Read – Worth A Reminder (Courage)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everyone.

I’m reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown–a wonderful author. This is a book of reflection, challenging your ideals, “letting go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embracing who you are”.

On page 12 and 13, I found something I found particularly interesting and well worth a reminder. Let’s hear Brené discuss courage:

“The root of the word courage is cor–the Latin word for heart. In One of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics is important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.”

Go be extraordinary today.

I will you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A 6 AM Start

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Yeah, you read that right.

Hi, everybody!

One thing I haven’t done in AGES is wake up at an “early” time. I’m a 7:30 AM – 8 AM type of guy. Today however, well today I woke up at noon 6 AM. I was going to go back to sleep, but you know what I did? I stood up. Crazy, right? Then I let my dogs out. Then I fed the dogs.

Now this is where it gets crazy.

I didn’t go back to bed. I made a full breakfast for myself. Over-easy eggs, turkey sausage, yogurt – the whole shebang. Unreal.

My colleagues were alarmed to see me on the company Slack at 7 AM and making calls by then. Like seriously, super alarmed. I was asked if I was doing OK because of how early I started today.

I know I’ll crash today, but I am proud of myself for one thing today: Deciding to stand up.

I’m going to pat myself on the back. You should do the same.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Honestly I’m Just Bored

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone. Checking back in. I’m fucking bored (yes, very early cussing in this post).

Today is a very busy day. A few work meetings, going to mentor a hard-headed high schooler, followed by an individual boxing coaching session, and two hours of leading a boxing class.

But right now? I’m fucking bored, man. My work is very slow, I don’t have any interviews coming up till Wednesday, and my dogs are the only ones with things to do around this house (tear up shit, that’s what they have to do). I could be doing stuff, but it’s… well, just more unpacking. I’d rather be bored.

I am excited for the rest of the day. Mentoring and coaching. It’s what I love to do. Boxing, coaching, mentoring, whatever you want to call it: it’s my passion. Only a couple more hours of being in front of this computer making sales calls. I CAN DO IT.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

New Roomie, Past Mistakes

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, everybody.

Today I bring in a new roommate. I’ll level with you lot: I am not the best roommate. Very picky in terms of cleanliness and noise. However, I am AWARE of that now, and it’s something I’ll be working on. (It only took multiple people leaving me for these reasons for me to figure this out, but REMEMBER, we focus on the positive here. The positive: I figured it out, now I need to execute on it.)

I am a bit worried but also excited. It’s one of my best friends and I think it will be a good living situation. If not, well, I own the house so I can always handle things if I need to handle things, right? Not much risk here. Also, I plan on writing about some of my past mistakes with roommates because, well, they’re kinda funny. Someone hold me to that, alright?

Anyway, now I need to head to his current house and go pick up a U-haul with the guy. Wish me luck (or awareness)!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Where Have I Been?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

You may or may not have noticed a significant drop in activity on this blog. My bad. Want the honest truth? I forgot I had this damn thing, but yesterday night it popped right back into my head.

“Siri, remind me to write a blog tomorrow at 9 AM.”
“Ok. I’ll remind you.”

And now here we are.

I’ve recovered from Covid-19–that thing is no joke. I’ve had three days back in the gym and boy, it’s tough. The lungs are shot, the fatigue is still there, but hey, at least I’m putting in the work. Remember, we’re about the fucking positives here (most of the time)! Outside of Covid-19, it’s really been the depression that’s holding me back. If you’re “aware”, that means I’m holding myself back. I know this. Doesn’t mean I can drastically change it in a heartbeat. All of this comes with time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight: not with Covid-19, not with depression. Take it moment after moment or you’ll suffocate yourself.

Let’s hope I can remember I have this website a bit more often. I don’t particularly like setting reminders because the post doesn’t feel “organic” then, but writing something is better than writing nothing.

How are you doing? Are you holding up just fine? Anything that’s halted your progress in the past couple of weeks? If so, I promise you can find a way to jumpstart that shit again. Trust yourself. You’re worth more than ya think–especially that brain of yours.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Almost Free

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, everyone.

Again, I don’t have much to write. I’ve been in isolation for ten days now and… well… nothing’s really happened. It’s been extremely dull. Mind numbing.

Tomorrow I’m free. It marks 11 days and as far as I can tell from the CDC, that means I’m free.

I can’t wait to box tomorrow. I cannot wait.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quarantine Boredom

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hey, everyone.

My mood’s dropped significantly over the past few days. Luckily, I’m let out of the house here in… four days. Almost there.

I’m trying to will myself to do things I need to do, or want to do, during this quarantine, but I can’t seem to muster up enough will. How do I will will? Is that a thing? Brain feels like mush.

I hope all of you are out there enjoying life and making new memories. I’ll be back out there soon enough.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Finally Got It

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

Welp, it finally happened. I am Covid-19+. So far, the symptoms are quite intense but nothing I can’t handle as of now. It did just take me a solid minute to type out that last sentence, so the blurriness is real, but it could just be the copious amounts of Day/NyQuil.

I’ve reached out to everyone who I could’ve passed it along to – and I feel terrible about it. One of my friends will be missing work when she really, really needs to work. My boxers will be put on hold. It just kind of sucks.

But remember, on this blog we try to look at the bright side. We have to look at the bright side or else, well, everything just kinda sucks. I’m still here. My body seems strong enough to fight this virus. I will be healthy again.

I don’t take Covid-19 lightly and I don’t think anyone should. Should I have taken more precautions? Maybe. It’s easy to place blame or blame yourself during moments like these, but it’s important to remember: It just doesn’t fucking matter.

I’m going to be healthy again. My heart goes out to all those who lost someone near to them throughout this pandemic. That’s why I can’t stand a lack of responsibility within this pandemic. It’s not hard to wear a mask. It’s not hard to not go out when you’re exhibiting symptoms of the virus. It’s just not hard at all. Yet, here we are.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Zoomin’

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone!

Don’t worry, this isn’t about Zoom calls. We’ve all had enough of those by now. This is about the “zoomies” or better put, just getting shit done. And that’s what I’ve done today. Got. Shit. Done.

Feels good.

I also noticed last night that I haven’t posted in four days. UNACCEPTABLE. I apologize, everyone. I’ll try to be better.

I wanted to write this post today because of my inactivity but man, I’ve been super active in everything else in life. Less time in front of the computer, more time with everyday life. Feels good. Feels really good.

Let’s end here, shall we? Don’t worry. I’ll be back.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.