Losing My Raw Side

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Do It for Free

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know, I don’t write that often. Maybe I don’t want to write for free, alright?

BOOM. Already hit the title. Look at me goooooo.

OK, back to it. I’ve spent a significant amount of my time recently doing things that don’t bring me any income. It’s been great. Am I being sarcastic? Hell no. Value doesn’t come down to monetary alone. Value comes from so much more. I work on an NFT project and right now it’s not bringing much money in. Why? Well, we aren’t releasing anything. It’s more about keeping the community together as we build. And guess what? It’s been just as much fun as it was when we were making money.

It’s weird. Do the things you like with the people you love and you might find yourself in a good spot. I should always do that, shouldn’t I? Well, I’ve been doing it with boxing, too. Only coaching those who bring value into my life and only boxing when it drives that same value into my life. Boom, winner.

Work? Well, yes, I get paid for that. But the company I joined in November brings value into my life. Outside of the money deposited into my account, I get SO MUCH from my coworkers, the environment, and the day-to-day work. I love it.

So yeah, don’t do shit for free. Do shit that puts value directly in your life. You’ll thank yourself for it. And I’m thanking myself for writing this. It brought value to me, whether you believe it or not!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Fighting This Weekend

Hi, everybody.

My confidence isn’t sky high for my fight this upcoming weekend. And it has nothing to do with my boxing skill – which is a good thing.

However, I’ve been quite unsure of myself over the past couple of weeks. I can’t pick out why. It feels like I’m losing a lot of what’s built me up to this point.

But on to the fight – I get to fight the #1 guy in the state in my weight class. I’m pumped about that. Today I need to rest my body and make sure I’m on weight. Easy enough.

But tonight, what do I do? My sleeping habits have been poor, my eating habits not much better, and I’m exhausting myself each and every day. I need to let this negativity pass through me and go from there.

See, the power of writing. Just let the solution come to you. Try it sometime.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Siri Reminder

Hi, everybody.

I love Siri. Not like that weird movie where the dude falls in love with his phone. Definitely not that type of love.

But without Siri, I would forget SO MUCH. Including writing in this blog. So what’s been up?

I’m finally feeling comfortable in my job and it’s an exciting feeling. I’m almost pumped about my job now and it’s been two years since I’ve had that feeling. Outside of that, I’ve helped two individuals recently with their resumes and LinkedIn profiles – within a day one got an interview with a company he only dream about before! It’s a great feeling when the clients see success. It really is. Makes it all worth it.

I’ve had to tone back from some things in life to keep my head on straight. The NFTs were taking up quite a bit of time, so I’ve dialed back there. I’ve laid a good foundation and I don’t need to be as active anymore. It’s a blessing, really. Hard work does pay off.

I have another boxing match on the 19th of this month! I get to fight the #1 Middleweight in the state. I’m extremely excited and I can’t wait to beat him and be the #1 Middleweight in the state. EASY.

Outside of that, I finally have a healthy relationship with a woman. And I’m able to be open and honest with her about my mental health issues, which really lets us immerse ourselves in each other’s lives without any hesitations. It’s pretty cool to be honest and open about mental health.

My dog is still a dog. He’s becoming much more behaved and chilling out just a bit. Right now he’s napping next to me and I’ll probably join him for 20 minutes or so once I’m finished up writing this here.

For me, at least over these past couple months, I’ve focused on how I’m feeling at the current moment and making sure I don’t take my frustrations from my mental health out on anyone. I’ve failed once, but other than that I have done a tremendous job and I’m proud of myself for it. I never could have dreamed having this much control over my actions a year ago. A lot has changed, and it’s mostly all for the better.

I hope you’re experiencing growth, too. And I hope you’re taking a step back and looking at that growth, patting yourself on the back, and pushing for more.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Where I’m At

Hi, everybody.

I literally typed out that “Hi, everybody.” then took a meeting for 40 minutes so I need to readjust. What was I going to write about?

OK, I think I know. Understanding where I’m at, right? Bit ironic how this all worked out but I’m talking about a different understanding. An understanding of how I’m feeling emotionally at almost all times and how I’m now able to somewhat control that. By “control that”, I mean not feel terrible about feeling sad, mad, or confused. Not being overly anxious when I’m happy or rushed.

Having more control over the self. It’s important, and something I’ve been working on for this past year. I’m finally starting to see changes. I think even the people I’m close with can see the changes. I’m not lashing out nearly as much, if any. I’m controlling frustrations. I’m maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Things are looking up. And you know what? It’s all because I decided to take charge. I decided to take action with my mental health. And you can, too.

Remember to use those people around you that want to help. It’s not a handout, as my best friend says, it’s simply someone trying to help. You are no charity case, don’t you dare ever believe that. You are you. Strong. Determined. Fucking ready for anything.

And you know that, too. Because you understand more of the self.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Shifts

Hi, everybody.

Yep, I’m still around!

Today I wanted to discuss shifts, because they’re constant. Unavoidable. The human mind changes each and every day and as you all know, we must somewhat change with it.

For me, the shift has been to a much more professional stance. I’ve realized that if I do want to achieve my goals of a boxing gym and more, I must be much more focused on the task at hand and building myself up. I can’t focus on 20 things right now. I have to focus on me. My personal growth. My professional growth. And that’s a shift for me.

When we look at shifts in our lives, sometimes they’re forced and sometimes they happen out of the blue. Either way, both are manageable – if you take a breath and become aware of how you’re feeling about those shifts.

I always mention to check in with yourself. Are you doing that? I’m not doing a good enough job at it. I end up at 2 AM contemplating my entire life. That needs to shift. And I can make that shift, as long as I’m aware while it’s going on. Sadly, awareness can be a tricky bastard.

I’m happy that I haven’t lost touch with this blog. Yes, I don’t post often, I get it. But I do look forward to writing from time to time now, even if there’s not much substance. It helps me feel. It helps me understand the shifts that are taking place in my life. And it helps me stay aware of the little things, which are sometimes the most important things.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

2022 – So What?

Hi, everybody!

The title reads in a negative light. It isn’t supposed to. My bad.

Tomorrow we start 2022! To be completely honest, I’m not at all a “NEW YEAR, NEW ME” type of person, but I am proud of what I’ve accomplished this year. And I’m proud of the ones around me. Grateful, too.

This year had its ups and downs, that’s for sure. But if we were to sum it all up, I think the ups outweigh the downs. And that’s what we want, right?

This year has been about awareness for me. Truly the first year I’ve really focused in on it – and boy am I glad I did so. I’m aware of how I feel so much more often now and CAN STOP myself from doing horrible things and/or saying terrible things.

I’ve also grown professionally and grown physically. Mentally I’ve grown. All year – growth!

Have you checked in with yourself in a bit? You should. I bet you surprise yourself with all the awesome stuff you did this year (and no, it doesn’t have to be a trip to Jamaica or some shit).

Good luck in 2022. Thanks for tagging along with me on these blog posts. I appreciate you all pushing me to write more and more. It helps.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

QB!

Hi, everybody!

QB stands for, you guessed it, QUICKBLOG!

I’m off to lunch in a few minutes with my work team but I just wanted to pop in, let you know that I’m doing OK, and to tell you that you’re probably a freakin’ amazing person. Not probably, you are.

Remember that.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A New World (Overstated)

Hi, everybody.

I had a reminder set to blog today AND I met with my therapist today, so naturally I’m here. Writing to you. But what about?

Probably about my therapy session. Maybe some other stuff. Let’s see where we go.

I’ve been struggling with mortality recently. I believe it’s from the death of one of my pups, but it’s really been keeping me up at night. I mean, there’s a chance I lose everyone around me before I go. That would absolutely suck. And come to think of it, it’s a selfish way of thinking.

But it still sucks. I don’t want to lose those close to me. And I’ve been struggling with that. That’s all I have on that topic.

Other than that, my life is mainly… screens and boxing. Work (screens), NFTs (screens), blogging (screens), and boxing.

I could use less screens, but I’m quite enjoying the boxing aspect. I’m looking to FINALLY fight pro in April. Exciting, yeah? That’s another thing. I’m excited on a consistent basis now – and shit that feels good. I don’t mean to brag, really. I hope you’re on the way up, too. And if you find yourself crashing down like I do at times, remember that climb up.

I think I’m done. I don’t have much to write about anymore, really. But I try. I don’t want to give up on this blog and I want to keep writing in my life. So I’ll keep throwing random shit here just to get stuff off my mind. Thank you for taking the time to read.

I wish you the best. Try not the beat the shit out of yourself.

Oof, Over Two Weeks?

Hi, everybody.

My apologies. It’s been OVER TWO WEEKS since I’ve written to you. That’s not acceptable! smacks self

It’s been a busy couple of weeks! I had a lot of cleanup to do from the mess I created about a month back, but things are going well! Today I’m writing to you because my most recent opponent just backed out of our boxing match – soooo, I have nothing to really do the rest of the day.

I thought, what haven’t I done in a while?

BLOG!

I’ve also been in deep on an NFT project and it’s been a lot of fun. Lucrative, too, but really a lot of fun. We’re able to do a giveback imitative with it, too, which is crazy. Why is it crazy? We’re able to raise money out of nowhere. That’s pretty freakin’ cool.

My new job is fantastic. Lovely people. Intelligent leaders. Everything I wanted.

My dog is adjusting well to life without his best friend, the dog we put down just a month or so back. We spend a lot more time at the dog park now.

I guess not blogging is a good sign. Everything I’m typing out is “living life”, and it’s just now that I’m realizing that I am doing what I want to do in life. For once. Yes, everything isn’t perfect but it will never be.

If you keep pushing on, your perception of certain things will change. It’s something I know to be true. Keep pushing. The depression, anxiety, mood swings, all that aren’t completely out of my life. But they’re getting better. I’m experiencing it less. And I’ll take that.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.