Tag: anxiety

100 Freakin’ Days

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Welp, we finally made it. We’ve hit the 100-day streak, baby! We originally set out for a week, then we pushed it to 30. There were whispers, “there’s no chance he makes it.” but HA, how wrong were they? Then we hit fiddy. I thought we were done there but nope, the fingers kept tip-tapping.

75. No way.

80. Must be running out of gas (definitely was).

90. So close yet so far.

95. End soon? Nothing to really write about.

100. Here we are. Here we freakin’ are. (I’ll stop using that word now.)

I’ve been thinking about this moment for, well, like just yesterday. Not going to lie to you lot. I didn’t think this far ahead. So now that we are at 100, I feel like I should post a reflection on what this accomplishment means to me. Or better yet, what this accomplishment has taught me along the way. I might pull from some blog posts if I gain the courage to read back that far (I cringe at my writing like most writers). We’ll see what this turns into. It’s always a surprise, isn’t it? I think we should keep it that way. Especially on the last day (spoiler, I will be moving to a post a week, maybe two).

OK, so what first happened to start all of this? I think I was just starting my new job, yep, looks like it was that. It was extremely slow the first month or so at the new gig, so it makes sense I decided to start typing nonsense every day to fill time.

Ah, the 30-day post! And of course, I posted it from my phone. Sheesh. What did I write about here? Ah! I established that I built the habit by the 30-day mark. That was a huge moment. Made me feel like I could keep going and going and going, and well, look where we’re at now.

Some themes I’m noticing as I look back: Gratitude, awareness, and doggos. Oh, constant mood changes, too. It’s almost as if the name of this blog actually makes sense. The mood changes, reflecting on them now, make me feel… alive. I mean this blog wouldn’t exist without my little bit of crazy (or lotta bit). I’m grateful for that. This blog helped me become aware of my mood changes and aware of all of the things I should be grateful for. Am I grateful all of the time? Hell no, but I’m working towards it. This blog proves that.

Some girl problems happen throughout the rest of the way. Oh, I also snuck in “quote days”, which were really just lazy days for me. Yes, I made sure to provide quotes that I actually like and resonate with me, but simply enough I just didn’t have anything to write to you lot on those days. I hope you appreciated the quotes as they were filled with much more wisdom than I possess, ha!

So this is the end, eh? We’ll see. Now I know I can quite a bit of what I set my mind to. This is day 100, baby. Day 100. That’s insane. Last year I thought blogging was somewhat stupid, now I’m slapping myself in the face for not starting sooner.

I highly recommend putting your thoughts into something, whether it’s actual conversation or written word, I highly recommend it. It’s kept me at ease, kept negative thoughts at bay, and helped me grow significantly over the past 3-4 months. Well, shit, I guess over the past year. I started this thing last July (2020). I didn’t think we’d make it this far. I thought I’d be dead. I guess I thought wrong. Thank you for helping.

Don’t worry, this isn’t goodbye. Will you see a post from me tomorrow? Maybe. But I do want to move to posts with more substance, so as I mentioned above, we might move to a 1-2 blog posts a week schedule. Still TBD.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being such great readers. For tagging along this entire time. For making me feel heard. You lot are something special.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Productive

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

That was supposed to be a play on “So Seductive” but I don’t think it worked. My apologies.

Productivity is a gray area for me. Sometimes it’s fantastic, sometimes it’s shit. So what makes that difference?

Mental state. Awareness. Understanding why you’re doing what you’re doing. Sometimes we’re productive for absolutely no reason. We’d be better off sleeping or drinking more water, so we have to be certain that we’re spending our time on the items that truly matter to US. Well, truly matters to you.

Today I did things that matter to me. A good dog walk, solid work, and a two-mile run at a decent pace. I’ll finish up the day with my normal coaching and a 1:1 training session with my boxing coach. An ideal day for me.

What’s an ideal day for you? I’d love to hear from my readers here. Everyone is so different. We all have different vices that keep us going. Some call them passions. They can be passions at time, but they are vices, too. Without them, we may be more lost than we already are.

Remember, it’s amazing to be productive. Just make sure you know why you’re being productive. Don’t waste your time on nonsense, like reading this blog ;).

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Recharge

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I hope your weekend went well!

I just started this email off like a blog–somewhat suitable since the work week starts all over again tomorrow. Speaking of starting all over again, it’s that time in my weekend where I try to “recharge”. What does recharging mean to me? Shit, still trying to figure that out. I’d love an ice bath, a large glass of ice water, and soundscapes. That sounds somewhat perfect. But instead I’ll settle for dog pets, ice water, and playing volleyball with a lack of effort in about three hours.

I do need to rest. However, there’s no time. Once I get back from volleyball, I need to prospect for the work week.

Where the hell does time go?

Why does it always feel like I’m chasing something?

Recharging is important, but it’s more important to understand what it takes for you to recharge. I’m still trying to figure that out. Once I do, I’ll clue you in. If you have some advice, feel free to comment away! Time for a shower. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Done Before Noon

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

If you read my post from yesterday, you might be surprised to hear that I’m relatively calm today. Collected. Things aren’t making sense, I’m just not really too focused on making them make sense.

Quick recap: Broke up with my significant other yesterday. Pitied myself on this blog. Worked through some questions for myself. Moved on with my day.

So this morning I was back to normal, in a sense… whatever normal really is for me. I was back at the community center this morning coaching and I treated myself to a good breakfast right after. Cleaned the house, gave the dogs a walk and a bone each, and well… now I’m “done” for the day. I think I’ll nap next, sounds nice. Let’s move the hell on.

The Olympics are on in front of me, how about that be our topic for today? Right now I’m watching Dutch v. Korean archery. They get super, duper intense, especially the Korean team. It’s honestly fun to watch. Yes, they’re literally doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over again but the passion is there. They’ve trained so many months/years/whatever to be in this exact moment. That’s pretty damn cool. I don’t care if you find a sport boring, it’s still impressive when someone is THAT good at something like an archery or a pole vault. Yeah, the sport itself doesn’t excite me but the level of competition and passion excites me. Shit, I watched water polo earlier today. It was… boring but they had a lot of passion and shit. I couldn’t tread water for that long. It’s impressive. Don’t hate!

What’s your favorite Olympic sport? Let’s talk strictly Summer Olympics. I’ll choose… Beach Volleyball and Boxing.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

F Today

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Super positive title, right? We’re off to a great start.

Let’s see. Why am I saying “F today”? Well, remember that last blog post about breaking up with my significant other? It happened. It didn’t go the best but it didn’t go terrible–but I still feel like a douche. Funny thing is, I actually had a therapy session planned for 1 PM today. That was a DOOZY of a session. I feel bad for my therapist.

But what did I learn from this? Well, I need to either accept me for who I am and understand I need to be willing to … willing to find out if others can accept me for who I really am. I’m talking all the mental health stuff, the drug abuse, the jail time, all that. Can I let someone in further after they know that information? It seems like I can’t. It’s like I discount myself as soon as I’m open and honest when I bring up my past. And it sucks. I strongly dislike it because I do like who I am, I just don’t like who I was. And I don’t like the lasting effect “past me” has on me.

I asked my therapist today, kinda rhetorically, if I’ll ever be better. I know a therapist isn’t going to fix me. I know there is no “fixing” per se. If anything, me just saying “fixing” shows that I’m fucking myself up here, no one else is. This falls on me and how I talk about myself within myself. It’s like that weird ass movie Inception but makes even less sense, ya know?

So where am I at now? I try to ask this question throughout my days but sometimes it slips through the cracks. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I can answer that question right now. I guess I’m here, writing to you lot, stalling, trying to find the courage to not go to my room and take a nap. Go to sleep so I can’t think about it anymore. Run from my problems.

But am I running? Or am I just handling things the way us humans handle things? What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s good? What’s bad? That’s the thing with mental health–it all differs, for everybody. The equation isn’t solved. If anything, the equation is still being written.

I guess the best thing I can take from today is, well, I’m not destroying myself over this. I stayed true to what I thought was right and executed what I thought was right. Is it right? I don’t know. Could be, maybe it’s not. It’s over now, though. It’s time to process and move on.

Thanks for being here. Truly, thank you. Thank you so much.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

They’re Back

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

Here we go again, another blog to vent to you lot. My apologies. After this damn streak hits 100, I am going to move to a blog post a week. All with real substance to them, too. Well, hopefully. You lot know how my mind works at this point–it’s kind of all over the place.

Welp, my significant other arrived back in the country today. They have no clue where my mind has been at the past month but I do plan on breaking it off with the individual. It’s scary because they’re so integrated into my life and, well, I hate doing this type of stuff. It hurts to hurt someone.

But I have to remind myself of the positives here. I’m 1) stopping any false hope 2) ending things before they escalate 3) I’m setting someone free from someone like me.

The last one sounds harsh, but I’ll be honest with you lot as I usually am–I’m still in no condition to be in a relationship. I’m angry, irritable, selfish, and worst of all, I shut down.

The person deserves more than me. I deserve more of myself and learning more about myself so I can better love who I am as a person. But this time I’ve learned a lesson. At least I hope so. Impulse is almost never a good feeling to follow, and that’s just what I did here. I mention overthinking a lot, but sometimes it’s necessary. Life isn’t always about throwing shit at a wall and hoping it sticks. Sometimes it takes a deep dive into your own damn soul to figure out what’s going on with you.

I’m still trying to figure that out. Hopefully therapy tomorrow helps.

I am fearful of what’s to come but ready to accept any consequences of my actions here. I must remain aware of that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

The Obvious Importance of Sleep

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Guess what? I’m TIRED! Why? Well, my sleeping habits are getting out of wack again. Why? Well, I think I’m thinking too much. I mean, even in that sentence alone I thought a bit too much.

OK, we’re getting off track.

I’ve noticed the importance of sleep over the past two days (NO WAY!). Things have been weighing on my mind, not allowing me to fall asleep at a decent time. My appetite is impacted, my energy level is obviously impacted, but most importantly–I’ve been a real dick since I’ve been this tired.

I talk about awareness a lot. Right now I’m aware of the situation, but now it’s about SOLVING it. Easy answer to this, right? Just go to sleep earlier. Well, it’s not that easy. You’re forgetting the whole “thinking too much about thinking”. It really does prevent good sleep. So I need to dive deeper into that and figure out why I’m struggling to let myself sleep.

Or do I need to dive deeper? That involves more thinking. Maybe I reach out to you lot once again (I received 5-10 amazing ideas for new hobbies yesterday so I think fielding this question to you lot is a good idea). What do you do to settle your mind (most important) so you can make sure you fall asleep at a time that’s good for your body the next day?

Also, how the hell do you keep a routine for sleep? I’ve always wanted to go to bed around 11 PM, but my mind simply won’t let me do that. Shit, just yesterday I thought I’d be asleep by 12 AM and all of a sudden it was 3 AM. I can battle through the fatigue, but I’d rather not chug two glasses of cold brew every morning.

I consider us teammates at this point, readers. We’re in this together. When I’m feeling bad, you pick me up. Hopefully when you’re feeling bad, this blog helps pick you up just a tad. If it doesn’t, that’s fine, that’s not the intention here. The purpose of this blog is strictly therapeutic for me–but if anything else comes along with it, I’ll take it. Just like I’d take more sleep at this point. Nap time? Can’t. Work.

But I will nap today. Don’t you even dare bet against that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Need A New Hobby

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 5 Comments

Hi, everybody.

Title pretty much speaks for itself. I do need a new hobby. I’m getting burned out of video gaming, boxing, and coaching. I don’t consider hanging out with my dogs a hobby nor do I consider anything I do for work a hobby. Also, a hobby isn’t “going out to drinks with friends”, it’s just simply not a hobby.

So as a 30-year old man I’m posed with a question: What the f do I do?

Knitting is out of the picture. Collecting rocks is out of the picture. Doing puzzles is out of the picture.

What do you lot do for fun? What keeps you ticking? I could pick reading back up – it’s been a while since I’ve been an avid reader, but that’s difficult to get my mind to execute in a good fashion. So, what? What do I do?

I’m asking my readers here, my friends here, about anything they do for fun. Please let me know, my eyes are starting to burn every day because majority of my hobbies include this computer, my phone, my other computer, etc. I’m getting a bit burned out, along with my retinas.

Any suggestions are welcome! Thanks in advance.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Q U O T E D A Y

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

It’s one of those days :).

Love the life you live. Live the life you love.

Bob Marley

Don’t ask the world to change….you change first.

Anthony de Mello

If you find me charming, it means that right now you’re in a good mood, nothing more.

Anthony de Mello

There is no way to happiness – happiness is the way

Thich Nhat Hanh

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

Thich Nhat Hanh

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

So Much Room for Activities

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

It’s been a busy, busy day (what else is new?). It’s been a FANTASTIC day so far. What happened? Well, good 5-6 rounds of sparring, some tennis with my Pops, and finished off with some more bag rounds (mainly working on my inside game–uppercuts and hooks). In just a bit, I’ll be heading to play volleyball. Safe to say I should sleep just fine tonight.

So all the external stuff is going well for me today, now it’s time to check in mentally. I advise you to do the same. The day might feel like it’s going well, but maybe you aren’t dealing with some demons. Maybe I’m not dealing with some demons. But it’s time to figure that out for ourselves.

Time to dig deep. Give me one moment.

I still fear the potential conversation I will have to have with my significant other when they return. Maybe that’s why I’ve kept myself so busy today (shit, I’ve only eaten a banana today, too). Maybe I’m hiding. Hopefully this writing is bringing me out of my shell. Well, it is. I’m already working though this issue in my head, through this writing. Am I any better off? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s like I always say, the important part is being aware. Understanding not just what’s around you, but what’s going on inside you, too.

Remember that. Even if the day is feeling great, make sure to take a deep breath and really check in with yourself. Same thing goes for when you’re feeling shitty. Awareness is key. Now let’s get back to the physical demands of the day, eh?!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.