Author: Henry Butterfly

Confusion in Colorado

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

My buddy and I are about to drive back from a short trip to Colorado. Denver to be exact. I had quite a bit of fun – and one day I was slightly angry – and the entire time I felt confusion.

We arrived on Friday night, had a fantastic dinner (I ordered two entrees and even had Banana Cream pie, which I’ve never had before due to my gluten intolerance – everything was gluten free!). It was a great night. My type of way to start a vacation – a treat yourself type of meal.

Saturday kinda sucked. I get it, my buddy is big into snowboarding, but he went to the mountain (after I said sure, go) and he was gone for the entire day. No car for me, no one around, just lots to think about. I went to some bars and hit up a dispensary. It could have been worse.

Sunday was the best day. I got to meet a friend from online that I’ve known for roughly a year – great guy. Played volleyball, went to a Denver Nuggets game that went into overtime against the Clippers. More amazing food. Just everything I enjoy during a vacation minus the weather.

But the whole time, I’ve been thinking about that one person. She called me the night before I left. We spoke for six hours. I put her in my phone as “Do Not Call” after she called me. She said we weren’t going to talk again. I keep getting texts.

I’m lost. However it’s different this time for me. I don’t feel scared. I’m just ready for whatever to happen. It’s kinda freeing in a sense.

Time to get on the road back home!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Urge

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m currently eating breakfast but my computer is open. I just had a thought as I was eating “meh” eggs and amazing bacon. I feel different today. That’s it. I feel different. In a good way. And I just had this urge to pop in here and write to you lot that each day is different, each day we can be something, and each day we do have power inside ourselves — we just have to find it.

That’s all I had today. I have to get back to the breakfast before these eggs get even more “meh”. Also I have a 4-hour work training in like 20 minutes. Thankfully I feel different today.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lacking Color

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Not going to say much today. Just using this as a way to get some shit off my chest. Yesterday I had flowers delivered to an ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what I thought would come from it, but it’s not hurting as bad as I thought not receiving a message back from her. I think I can find closure through this… super odd thing to do. It was probably dumb. I don’t know. I’m so fucking lost.

I’m losing purpose in my everyday life. Each day again feels the same, gray, distant. Each day feels like there’s something crucial slipping away. Each day I feel like I’m wasting. Everything is gray.

I go into the office more to get away from my own thoughts, but here I am in the office only thinking of my thoughts. What an odd sentence. But I can’t help it – my focus isn’t there. I’ve tried changing up my routine, how I’m treating myself, and a few other aspects of my life, but I keep finding myself worse off than before.

And I very well could be bitching about absolutely nothing. Who knows what’s valid to complain about nowadays. Who knows what to do when you struggle with depression and anxiety every single damn day. You just take it on the chin and move on. That’s it. You tell everyone you’re okay. It’s better that way.

Everything is gray. And I have nothing left to say.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Many Screens

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Screens, am I right? Going to be the death of all mankind’s rest. Right when I’m about to put the computer down, I remember I have this to do. After that, I’m oh-so-ready to put down my computer. Nope, forgot to respond to that email. Wait – I think I’m good now. Kidding! I need to file that expense before I forget…

Where does it end? We spend so much of our lives living through things: our job, our roles in society, our overall responsibilities. How often do we live through ourselves? Does that make sense?

I can’t remember the last dog walk I went on where my mind was quiet. Where I didn’t think of the million and one things I feel like I must accomplish on a daily basis. But each day, do I get closer to anything I truly want? What is it that I want? Will I figure that out on my next dog walk or will I think about my 10:30 meeting with that one client who always, always thinks I’m the problem. Pssh.

I don’t think it will end. If anything, I think our world is destined for even more distraction from what’s really us. But if you think about it, doesn’t that change end up changing the definition of what’s really us? Man, life is crazy to think about. And to think, we’re only here for a smidge of time and we’re only worth a smidge while we’re here.

But that smidge can mean something. Smidge smidge smidge. OK, got that word out of my system.

You know, without screens I wouldn’t be typing to you here. I’ve made quite a few mistakes today – I probably did something that I’ll end up regretting for at least a year (no, no one got hurt and no one will get hurt… besides my emotions maybe – I’m just chasing love like an idiot). But typing to you here made me feel a smidge better (SHIT, I DIDN’T GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM AND I LIED TO YOU!) about it all. So screens can stay, for now. I’m still on path to move out of my state at the end of the year – and I really want to make that a reality. I just don’t know how and I’m too timid to make a certain move. Best I’ve done is asked for the basics of “Is this even possible given my current financial situation?” and thrown out a couple small pieces of furniture.

You tell yourself it’ll work itself out – sure, that’s true for some things. But not this. Not finally moving away from my home state 30+ years later. I have to make it happen. But no pressure.

Wow, we went into a few things here. Sorry if there’s no general theme. Off the cuff, like normal. Overuse of punctuations… per usual.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Day Off

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Nothing major today. I started it off with a 3 mile run average just a bit over 6 minutes per mile! Happy about that. Went for a bit of cryotherapy. Just finished some breakfast tacos. Oh, I don’t work today. I probably should’ve started with that.

Up next? A dog walk and a joint. I like where this day is going. (PS – Not advising or endorsing the use of cannabis, it is entirely a “to each their own” situation for me – be safe!)

WHAT ELSE?

Well, I only had to use 30 minutes of my hour time slot with my therapist. Does that mean I’m improving?

That made me laugh. Speed running through therapy. That’s elite level mental health.

Anyway, I don’t have much today as you probably realized. You’re probably slapping yourself for taking time to read this. Well, it’s too late now. I can’t help you.

But I do appreciate you. I appreciate this outlet. Thank you for stopping in to read my blogs – you are a key part to my mental health journey whether we know each other or not. It would suck to write to no one, wouldn’t it?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reciprocal Value

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Hope you’re having a smashing morning. No, I’m not British – just wanted to use smashing in a sentence.

Let’s talk a bit about reciprocal value. I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently, specifically within my relationships. I’ve boiled it down to roughly 10 folks that provide what I believe is the most crucial element of a relationship: reciprocal value.

So what do I mean by that? These friends owe me stuff because I’ve put effort and care into some of their problems/issues? No. I’m saying it’s a blue table friendship, not a red table. Both parties are receiving benefit out of the relationship, which may not be visible to the naked eye, but both can feel it. I have 2-3 friends that excel at this and put me to shame, but man am I grateful for those people.

Without reciprocal value, you’re either just giving yourself away or taking from someone. If you start to find someone distancing themselves from you, ask yourself if you’ve put as much effort into the relationship as they have. Ask yourself the tough questions. Because when you ask those questions of yourself, you’re able to build rock solid relationships that can last through anything. And that’s what life is about, right? I think it is.

Our time here is valuable, no matter what you believe happens after we fail to exist here. In 100 years no one will know that you made that extra effort, but right here, right now, in the moment that matters, you will know – and so will the individual you care about. Be present. Be there. And most importantly, be yourself.

Huh. A blog with a bit of substance. That’s a nice change, right?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Time to Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Oh boy. It’s that time again. You should’ve heard how loud the sigh I just did was.

Bad sentence.

Anyway, I have a new friend! A husky. She stops by a couple days a week while her owner is at work since I’m a stay at home work from home type of person. It’s working out well. My doggo gets along real well with this one.

That’s added a bit of joy into my life. I still feel utterly lost with everything. I’m pulled in a million directions but I feel stuck in place. Weird, isn’t it?

I don’t want to get too much into myself today. What can we discuss? I have about 2-3 minutes to write this.

Mortality? No. Too dark. Too much to discuss.

Food? Boring. I mean it’s not boring to eat but I don’t think I could write about it well. I did take a Food Writing class in college, though. Ayyo.

Hmm. What if we just leave this blog as is? A quick sprint. I like that. I hope you do, too. If not, oh well there’s always next time, right?

I wish you well. Try. not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Happy? Holidays

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m off work this week and I’ve put this blogging off for about… 3 days. To be quite honest, I really dislike this time of year and everything that comes with it. Minus the food. The food can stay.

There’s simply too many social expectations when it comes to the holidays. Especially the holiday season that we’re in right now – Christmas and New Year’s. If you’re alone on these days, well, if you’re me it feels like death. And for the past two months, ever since a certain someone kicked me out of their life for good, I’ve felt impending doom on these days.

AND IT’S RIDICULOUS. I’m letting social constructs control my mind and my overall mental fortitude. It’s ridiculous. But it’s been a theme for me every year since I was in high school – since back in the days when I wasn’t invited to anything. I remember being sad every Friday night when I didn’t get invited to stuff, and it was even worse when it came to the holidays. Party there, party here, no party near me. It’s not pity, it was reality. And it’s fed into my disgust with the holidays now.

But I do have plans on New Year’s. I had to search for them, but I found some. I won’t be “alone” on the final day of 2022, but I do feel alone. So yeah, I will be alone.

When will I look at the world differently? I’ve been told it comes down to me. If that’s the case, things aren’t going to be looking up for a bit – maybe. But who knows, you lot know I shift from day to day. And I always, always feel better after I throw up on this blog.

Thank you for being my outlet. Happy Holidays. Last blog of 2022? Probably.

I LOVE YOU!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What Even Is This

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi everybody. It’s been a minute since I last chatted with ya. You been good? I’ve been back & forth. Good, bad, good, bad. Don’t forget to feel a bit “meh” every once in a while, too.

Enough bitching. What can we discuss that’s constructive today? I decided two days again that I was blogging today. Why do I plan my blogs? To make sure I do them. Should I plan topics? Yep, looks like it.

I said no bitching – and I’ll do my best there. However, I do want to discuss work.

What’s the deal with work.

Why does work seemingly have so much impact on my mental health? It sucks.

Shit, I was bitching. My bad.

OK, also need to watch out for language. All over today. You know funny enough, I’m in a barber shop right now waiting for my haircut. Had to drop a buddy off at the airport earlier and have this weird void in between. Never thought I’d blog at a barbershop.

And this morning has been quite the ride. I did an idiotic thing and reached back out to an ex. I finally broke. I had to grab some coffee and the most convenient coffee shop was right by her work. I got coffee, left, thought I’d be fine. Next thing I know, I’m sending a letter to the damn person. All because I saw a building. Memories can suck sometimes, ya know? I mean I know the way my day shapes out comes out to what I think, but right now I think “shit, I’m alone” and I think that far too often. When will I feel like I’m not here alone? Like I’m not speaking into the void.

Damn it, I’m bitching again. Maybe if I slow down doing that, life will get better.

All of the maybes in the world haven’t been able to figure anything out yet. Yet. One day? That’s what we hope for. Any of you struggling with mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, I hope you can take a second to breathe. Hold on, let me do it real quick. Ok, now take a second to breathe. Let’s take on this weird ass day together. Thanks for reading this weird blog. I’ll do better next time. Maybe.

Also, adding this in at the end… writing this helped me.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Thanksgiving!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s of course been a minute since I last posted here, but I figure a post leading into Thanksgiving makes a bunch of sense for this website.

So what am I grateful for this year? A lot. Number one thing? My mental fortitude. I struggle on a day to day basis, but I always end up OK. Sometimes better than OK. And I’m grateful for that.

My parents. My god, my parents. They are everything to me. They mean so much to me, and I am so thankful and grateful to have them in my life.

My very best friend who I will not name. The only person in the entire universe that really knows all of me. The one person in the universe I can trust with anything and everything. Love you, brother.

My dog Louie. I mean, he’s right next to me snuggled up. He’s always there for me. I’m always there for him. We’re grateful for each other.

My career. It brings me security and honestly I have a lot of fun doing what I do. Not all folks are in this position and I acknowledge that. I’m thankful to have this privilege.

And you lot. I’ve had this blog for roughly two years, maybe a bit over. I don’t get crazy views, I don’t get crazy comments, but I do see you folks reading this blog and actually giving a damn. I hope you get something out of it like I do.

Thanksgiving is the best holiday. Endless food, sports, and you’re celebrated for taking a nap. Can’t beat it. However, I know some of you are not in this state of mind or not as privileged as I am to have these blessings. I hope you find the small happinesses in your life to bring yourself to a state of gratitude this week. If you would like to chat about it, feel free to comment.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.