Shift to Optimism

Hi, everybody.

I hope you’re doing well this morning. (You can tell I just typed an email for work just by that line itself.)

I woke up today feeling a shift. A good shift. An optimistic shift. Weird, yeah? So let’s break down what happened between yesterday where I posted something like “well, this is the end”, to now, where I’m talking about being optimistic.

The human brain is weird, man.

Yesterday I felt of no importance to anything that’s going on in this world–even in my world. Today I woke up, decided to treat myself to some extra sleep, and I’m just starting work at 8:45 AM. And guess what? I feel good about it. I feel good about today.

I really think boxing is the main charge behind my shift in moods. I sparred yesterday with a pro and honestly, I felt like I did a great job. Did he land more than one liver shot on me? Yes. Did that feel good? No. But you bet your ass I landed quite a few shots (and not just shots but combinations) on the guy. It felt good, even though I do have a bruise over my right eye and I might have overextended my right elbow (if that’s a thing). Anyway, ice will fix it all–that’s not the point.

Boxing is known as one of my passions. Something that keeps me going. But I know that’s not sustainable. I need to figure out what’s going on within me so I can better combat what happened yesterday and the day before yesterday. I think you should look at this problem, too. What can you do to better combat those negative days or moments? Once you figure something out, feel free to share. I’ll do the same.

I also had some wonderful help from my very best friend yesterday. He helped push me towards a new career–marketing–and I think it could be a great fit. Sales is getting a bit… meh for me. Hey, I made it four years. That’s not too shabby. Better than the 3-6 months I spent bartending at each bar before I left. My “loyalty” or whatever is much better now. Someone you can trust, kinda. I still have my meltdowns so you have to give me a break every so often.

It’s good to look outside yourself for help, ya know. I made sure yesterday to reach out to those I trust and to those I know will not judge me or dislike me for pushing back. Pushing back is natural for me. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s how my mind validates “ok, well this is bad, but doing THAT much sounds worse, so let’s just keep doing bad”. It’s fucked, I know. That’s why I’m grateful for the level-headed people I have in my support system. More importantly, I’m grateful for those who care enough to sit down with me when I’m feeling… well, like that crazy guy I always talk about (me). It’s helpful. I hope you have one or more of those people in your life. I really do.

When you’re dealing with someone with mental illness, I think a Walt Whitman quote should always pop into your brain:

Be curious, not judgmental.

Walt Whitman

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Subtle Changes

Hi, everybody.

I’m back and I’m back with a much better attitude today, thankfully. A few things happened yesterday after I blogged!

  • My roommate came back from Colorado after a 3-week stay.
  • I lost my mind at volleyball, along with one of my other teammates, because we did everything we could to win but our teammates… well, frankly they just suck. There’s no easy way of putting it.
  • More success at work! Demo this morning went well and I woke up extremely early and did it without much help. That’s not like me and I take that as a small success.
  • The most important change: Me. I’m in a much better headspace today and it’s noticeable.

So how did I get out of my shit from yesterday? I think I typed it out. I am aware and I am at ease. I don’t write these things for nothing. I write them as a form of therapy for myself and hopefully it helps you, too. If it doesn’t, well, thanks for reading.

Living in the moment is so very important, but understanding there’s most likely more moments to come is also very important. Why? Well, it’s pretty simple. If you’re living in a shitty moment right now, understand there will be plenty more moments that won’t be like that shitty moment you’re experiencing right now. Trust me on that. If you don’t think you’ll make it past this shitty moment, talk to someone about it. Please. I’m not a burden on anyone. You aren’t a burden on anyone. We’re in this shit together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Hitting My Stride

Hi, everyone!

THREE meetings booked this week. Let me put that into perspective: I booked one meeting over my first month.

It feels good. My boss, the VP of Sales, etc., are starting to throw some love at me. I needed that. I felt I wasn’t performing but as almost anything with life: it takes time.

I’m also doing really well in terms of boxing. I sparred yesterday and barely got touched. Landed quite a few clean jabs against some tough sparring partners. My coach actually said I did well, and he never, ever says that (even if he wants to). So that feels great.

This weekend I get to hang out with some friends I haven’t seen in a while and continue to train in the sport I love.

Things are really coming together. They really are. My finances are looking up, too (that could easily change, let’s not jinx it).

Have you taken a step back today to appreciate yourself? Appreciate the work you’ve put in to get even this far in life? You should. You’re impressive. You’re talented. You fuckin’ got this.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Before Boxing

Hi, everybody.

I now have TEN boxers. All very green, but promising! I’m writing this right now because I’m about to head out to coach a few. This is the best feeling I have during the day now. The moment right before I head to the gym. Right before I tell people to throw a jab, cross, angle out, toss another jab in there, throw a hook, & finish with a strong uppercut. Oh, make sure to jab out, too. Don’t want to get caught with shots when you’re finished with that combination.

Just typing that there got me pumped up. I fucking love coaching. It’s all I want to do. The relationships I make in this shit are PRICELESS. The vulnerability and openness people have with their coach is unmatched & I learn so much about the world, life, and other people’s lives each & every day.

I need to make sure to never take this for granted. Never turning this into a job. Keep it as a passion.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It Gets Better

Example: Me.

Now look, I’m not 100% better. If you’ve followed my blog posts since August when I started this outlet, you know I’ve been struggling with many things in my life. Mainly passion, loneliness, & overall depression. Anxiety gets tossed in there, too. Can’t stand that shit.

Over the past couple of days I’ve actually seen progress. Is it from my meds? Who knows. Is it from my therapy? Again, who knows. Who really cares? If we try to find answers for everything in our lives, we’ll go absolutely mad. Whatever I’m doing is working. I’m not close to my normal self yet, but I’m making progress most days.

Weekends still suck. Way too much time on my hands on the weekends. Monday through Friday? Doing real well.

Work is going well although I am interviewing for other companies (keep all doors open), I’m putting my house up for sale at the end of this month, & my future is quite unknown. I’m not scared about that any longer. I’m excited for it. I haven’t felt excitement in months, so I’m acclimating to it the best I possibly can. I must make sure not to get overexcited, because I’m sure something will slap me in the face over the next few days. You’re quite dense if you think everything is going to go smoothly because all of a sudden you feel like somewhat like yourself again. At least that’s what I think. If you don’t agree, you are a much more positive person & I can’t fault for you that. No one can. Keep that positivity. It’s hard to get back. (Again, example: Me.)

It feels good to genuinely laugh again. To go on dates & actually want to go on dates. To hit the heavy bag with purpose. To golf with my father. To walk my dogs. To cooking some of my favorite meals. To going to a dog birthday party this weekend.

It’s starting to feel like I’m turning a corner. Let’s hope it lasts, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

New Beginnings

Right now I’m sitting outside on my deck thinking back on the past couple of years I’ve lived in this town. Thankfully I’ve been able to step away from work for a few minutes. I’ve had some good moments, I’ve enjoyed the backyard component of my house, but boy am I happy to finally have a way to get out.

This week my debt will be paid off. I’ll be measuring what I need for carpet & hardwood for the upcoming sale of my residence, and I’ll be moving back to my hometown to rent for a few months before deciding what to do next. That’s somewhat based off what job I land next, but who knows what could happen.

All I know is I’m grateful. Throughout the past six to seven months, I’ve been completely lost on the map. Now I’ve seemingly found some direction. I have some plans in place. I’m working towards some goals. That’s a good enough start for me.

Life hasn’t been all that bad here. I’ve learned quite a bit about owning a home, fixing random things (like my sink, my sink always has issues – can’t wait to be rid of that thing), and gardening as I’ve mentioned before. I’ve found passions in things I never thought I’d find passion in, like cooking. I’ve picked up reading again because I haven’t had anything to do socially in this town. There really are many positives that came out of these last two years, but I’m ready to move on. And now it’s becoming real – my next step in life is really unknown, but at least I know I have a next step.

My buddy tries to get me to do a five year plan. I want to, I really do, but I can barely think a week ahead let alone five years. Maybe once the house is sold & I’ve settled into a new place with more friendly faces around, I’ll be able get that plan done. Highly unlikely, but I’d like to see myself do it. My buddy is usually right on what’s important and what’s not – hell, some of the reason I’m still here to this day is because of his advice.

Have I mentioned what I dislike the absolute most about where I live? The mosquitos, the flies. Just now as I’ve typed this, I’ve slapped myself in the face three times trying to swat away whatever’s attacking me. I think I’ve missed the bug every time, but I definitely haven’t missed my face.

What have I loved most about this place? This is what’s important to acknowledge. The independence it brought me. The maturity forced upon me from owning and taking care of a home. I really am proud I got here. I’m a guy that spent many months in jail as a kid, spent almost my entire high school life penned up in a random shelter, lost a brother, my mother suffered a terrible accident, and I was addicted to opiates for almost six years. It’s quite amazing that I’m sitting on my own deck watching my own two dogs eat stuff they aren’t supposed to be eating. It’s the simple things, it really is.

I really am proud of myself, and I couldn’t have done any of this without the people that love & support me. No matter how bad your situation is, I bet you can find one or two positives in it. That’s what’s kept me going, and I hope you start to look for those positives, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.