Tag: mental illness

Decision Made

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s a R&R type of afternoon and I’ve had some time to think about this blog. I’ve decided the quality of my posts has drastically taken a hit with this damn streak on my mind, so I’ve set an end date for the streak.

With this post, it will be 147(?) posts in 147 days. That’s a lot. I think a lot but not enough to write THAT much. So I’ll be calling my daily streak quits at 150.

Now that sounds like a commitment, I get it, but it’s not. If I feel like I need to keep writing to solve a thought in my head or if my anxiety kicks in and doesn’t want to let the streak go away, I will continue to write.

But right here, right now, I think a good stopping point is 150 posts in 150 days. The goal was originally 30 posts in 30 days. We’re about to 5x that! Insane, right?

But the content has struggled as of yet. I apologize for that. I don’t know if it’s really because I’m writing too much. I think it’s just been my mood. I’m back to that whole “not excited” me. I hate this version. Luckily it hasn’t been hitting me like a ton of bricks as it usually does, but that time could come if I don’t figure something out.

So yeah, I might keep writing. But right now, let’s agree to stop at 150.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Yourself

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Do you have a difficult time understanding yourself? I do. Not all the time but, well, a lot of the time.

The funny thing? Most people I know think I’m one of the most confident people they know. The faces we can put on, right? You lot know the real me more than most in real life.

Are we made to understand ourselves? What’s to understand? Both good questions and both extremely difficult to answer. I mean, even when I think about things now, I wonder how I’ll ever “understand” myself or what that even means. But I came into writing this blog thinking it. Now, after the wonderful power of writing struck, I don’t think there is an understanding of ourselves. I mean, we kind of just are what we are, right? No need to understand it.

Again, what the hell did I just write?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quote Day Because My Head Hurts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I had a rough time at sparring yesterday so instead of trying to dig deep into my shook brain, it’s going to be a good ol’ fashioned quote day! Let’s begin, yeah?

Too often we think in negative affirmations. Negative affirmations only create more of what you don’t want.

Louise Hay

If you want to live, you must have no permanent abode. You must have no place to rest your head. You have to flow with it.

Anthony De Mello

The one who would be constant in happiness must frequently change.

Confucius

Your duty is to stand straight – not held straight.

Marcus Aurelius

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

35

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Today’s an odd day. A good day but a sad day. 9/9/86 – My brother’s birthday. He passed at the age of 9, so quite some time ago. Today he would have turned 35. I spoke to him at his grave, “I wish I could have you as a friend.”

It hit home. I do miss my brother, or at least the “idea” of him. I was only 4, turning 5 in a few days when he passed away. I didn’t know him that well, no one did, he was only 9 when he passed. But from what my parents tell me, he was one bright light in this world.

A few times a year I do think about him – not as often as one might think. He passed in 1996, so I’ve had my time for closure and repair. However, I do think about what it would be like to have that constant contact. Have a brother there for me and me there for him. I think it’s a large reason as to why I try to mentor others and coach others – I want to be there for someone. I wish my brother could be here for me and vice versa, but that’s now how life works. Life works the way it wants to work, and it’s silly to be mad about it.

I think about what my brother would think about me. I know that “doesn’t matter” according to literally every self-help book out there, but that’s their damn opinion. I’m curious. I want to know what he would think of me, how much we would get along, how close we would be. But I don’t have that chance and neither does he. That’s OK. That’s what this world laid out for us and that’s what we have to cope with, learn from, and move through.

What the hell am I talking about now? I think my emotions are taking control here. I do miss him. Quite a bit. But I still have family, a mother and father, that mean the world to me. Today is about making sure they’re OK, not me. And I hope I do a good job at that. As for what my brother would think about me? What our relationship would be like? I know it would be good. I know he would care for me and I would care for him. Why am I asking such dumb questions, eh?

I love you, my brother. I hope to see you again.

pause

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Active Listening? Maybe

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s time to re-focus on something I’ve been telling others I’ve been working on for the past couple of years: Active listening.

What is active listening? Well, to me it’s very simple. It’s just listening. It’s not trying to listen and coming up with what you’re going to say back while the individual is talking to you. It’s just listen, think, respond if needed. I need to do better at that, both personally and professionally.

Why is it important? Again, simple to me. If I’m telling someone a story and right when I finish they jump into something about them or, well, really any quick response, I know they weren’t actively listening. They were waiting for me to stop talking so they could chime in.

I don’t want to be that person anymore. I’ll do my talking here and my listening out in the “real world”. Wish me luck. Also, try it yourself–you’ll be surprised how much more you’ll learn from each and every conversation you have throughout your day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Relationships

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I really hope you’re doing well today. I am. I hope you are, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships–and not just those with a significant other, but I’ll focus on that specific situation here.

Recently I have spent quite a bit of time with what some would call a “significant other” or someone I’m in a relationship with, but I don’t believe we identify with that label. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding everything around me. But we have talked about it and decided that dating isn’t a good idea right now–but is that truthful from both ends?

So now it’s about trying to understand or unearth what we do not know. Whatever’s going on inside that other person’s noggin. It’s a scary venture and I’m here to tell you one thing: DON’T DO IT.

It’s not your job to know what the other person is thinking. It is on you to treat someone with respect and dignity, but it is in no way, shape, or form your job to express another person’s feelings for them.

Am I just telling myself this so I don’t feel like a dick? Yes and no.

I’ve made this mistake many of times before and I hope I’m not making yet another mistake here. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the conversation, I enjoy the other stuff. Maybe one day it will evolve into something else, but right now I’m happy with what’s in front of me. I’m happy with what I’m doing right now with this situation.

So, yeah. Understanding relationships is kind of your job, I guess that’s my point here. It’s your job to understand where you’re at in the relationship and it’s your job to be respectful of the person you are with.

Sounds easy, right? Ha.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Lake day was a huge success. Had fun, no mishaps outside a very hefty trip right onto a rock (I’m fine but it was funny), and I woke up refreshed this morning.

So what?

Right? Like who gives a shit. And I’m not saying that in a negative way, honestly. If you read my blog yesterday, or at least I think from yesterday (I had quite a few beers yesterday), you should know that I’m going face first into the now. F the past, F the future, let’s focus on now. I guess a better question than the one posted above would be “Why?”. Why write about what happened yesterday. Why think about what happened yesterday. Why not just focus on now? Right? Right.

So how do we focus on the now at all times? It’s not possible. It really isn’t. But we can focus on the now when we think about the now.

I swear I’m not high, I’m just thinking through the writing. It’s what my professors taught me to do and I believe it’s what my therapist would probably tell me to do now, too. Jesus. That’s actually hilarious.

Anyway, it’s time to focus on the now, people! Like right now I need to stop writing a blog and get my buddy down to the airport. SHIT.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lake Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’ve waited all summer for this day. Finally, I’m on a lake.

The person I’m with just ran three miles with me around the lake — that was nice. Guess what? Now it’s time for some tacos and beer. Tomorrow we get back into the thick of training. Let’s have some fun tonight, yeah?

But I have to leave you with something, don’t I? Something to think about. So how about this: Don’t think about anything. Try that. Just let today be today and enjoy yourself. Hell, if you’re successful, it might just roll in tomorrow and you might just enjoy tomorrow, too! That would be nuts, right?

We can hope. We can do our best. We can live. Maybe one day we can live on a lake.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Hidden Anger

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

This morning I woke up a bit off. I didn’t want to go to training for the first time in a long time. I think it was just fatigue, because even after training I went and trained some more. So, yeah, maybe nothing to really think about.

But I think I know what happened. I woke up angry. Why? I don’t know, but I could feel it during training. I was barking orders, telling people my dog can listen to commands better than them, and being a bit more of a “harsh” coach.

Before you say it or think it, no, I didn’t cross a line. I coach boxing. If your mental fortitude is threatened by that “insult”, this sport ain’t for you.

But I did need to think about it internally and talk to you lot about it. Not that specific example, but the random anger I feel today. And it’s super odd, too, because honestly I have the most clear, chore-less day I’ve had in quite some time. I mean, I’m about to shower now and after that I have… nothing? Yeah, nothing to do. It’s weird but I’m excited. I’ll probably eat a gummy and watch some boxing on DAZN. Not something to be angry about, right?

But I speak about awareness a lot and right now is a good example. Even though everything seems fine around me, I must be aware of how I’m feeling internally and adjust anything that could impact me or anyone else in a negative, deconstructive way. So here I am, writing to you, telling myself.

Thanks. Enjoy your Labor Day weekend!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Note to Myself

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

Wait, shouldn’t I say “Hi, me.”?

Whatever.

I’m off to golf with my Pops. I’m pumped. It’s been a while since we last played and well, last time we played I believe we got into an argument. Normal stuff for us.

So what am I doing to be proactive about the chance of that happening again? Writing about it real quick before I hop in the car. Awareness, people, awareness. I am aware that I can be easily irritated and argumentative with my father. I’m also aware I can control that.

Thanks for being an outlet for me, internet and people of the internet.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.