Tag: mental illness

Oddly Timed Off Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m the most spaced I’ve been in quite some time. I can’t put a thought together today and I can’t figure out why. Maybe I should stop saying “can’t”, that could be a limiting factor. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it so much and less it pass through me.

I know why I’m off. I injured my elbow last night and I’m not sure if it’s going to heal any time soon. It’s a muscle strain or tendinitis–either way it puts a damper on boxing. That sucks. I’m going to try to train a bit today with a brace on, but the pain I experienced last night when it flared up again during volleyball made me sweat. We’ll see if the ice and ibuprofen helped at all or if I’m fucked and have to rest it for a week or maybe more. I’m really hoping the pain can subside.

So that’s why I’m off. I actually took a half day for the afternoon because I just, well, just been thinking a lot today. And like I said above, nothing has really come from thinking today. If anything, I think I’ve finally hit exhaustion. Sadly I used that title like a month or two back.

I’ll stop blabbing on and on. I’ll try to leave you with something to think about today…

Is there something in your life you’re dependent on? For me, it’s boxing. I noticed today that I need to find some peace with losing boxing because it is 100% possible that happens at any point in my life.

Before I think my mind more into a pretzel, I’m going to head out. Thanks for sticking around for this nonsense today!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Relaxing Fight Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Honestly I’m pretty even-keeled today. My boxing match is later this afternoon–weighing 165.8 (perfect), feeling healthy, have liquids in me, and mentally I’m all here today. Oh, did I mention I went to bed at 11 PM last night? That’s unheard of.

I’ll update you lot with the results when I find time either later this evening or tomorrow morning. Appreciate you chilling on this journey with me. Let’s go!

Oh, side note: I’m extremely excited to see our younger boxer take her first fight today. She’s going to thoroughly kick ass, no doubt about it.

You must decide that you want to enjoy your life and that there is no reason for stress, inner pain, or fear.

Michael A. Singer

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Eating Before Weigh-In

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Well, tomorrow is the day! Back in the ring for the first time (competitively) in five or so years. Exciting stuff.

I’m going to hit you with quotes tomorrow… probably. Today I’ll quickly discuss how to manage diet leading into a boxing match.

Ha, just kidding. I’ve never known what to do outside of listen to my own body. I think that’s a solid plan anyway, don’t you? I woke up this morning, didn’t check weight, and went on an extremely light jog. Only went a mile. Weighed myself after, sitting right around weight (168.8, need to be 167-168). What’s that mean? Eat healthy today, eat light, go for a sweat, don’t drink too much water, and go for a tiny sweat in the morning before heading off to weigh in.

I really needed to type that out. To be truthful, this shit is stressful. It is. Thanks for being my sounding board at times.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Last Jog Before the Fight

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everybody.

I hope you’re having a splendid morning. I am, I think? Woke up, went for a 2-mile jog to get the legs going, had a great glass of iced coffee, and now I’m going to take a break from work and hit the sauna.

A couple days before the fight–always a weird time. You don’t know if you’re doing too much, too little, or just enough. Also, making sure you keep on weight is… stressful at times. But I’m here today not so much to talk about myself, but to talk about my journey to this fight.

I was thinking about it on my jog. I’ve trained over six months for this fight. Mentally I’ve been training for over a year. And it hasn’t been easy. I’ve had thoughts of suicide, spells of extreme loneliness, and many lash-outs to those I love. I’ve been nowhere near perfect, but without this fight and sport in front of me, I wouldn’t be typing to you right now. I would be dead.

This fight is life to me. Not life or death, but life. Yes, I may have some issues at work and with my overall life and where it’s headed (where the fuck is it headed?) but I do know one thing: I have a passion, and I’m following that passion.

My friends, no matter how you feel today, remember the journey. You’ve done so much to get to where you are right now–don’t discount that, even if it’s not exactly where you thought you would be. Remember, we have no fucking clue what’s going to happen in this world, in our own lives, hell, even within the next 10 or so minutes. Embrace it. Embrace your lack of control and be you. Be proud.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Not Writing About Me

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everybody.

I need you to hold me accountable. I’m writing too much about my damn self. See, even right now I’m writing about myself.

What brought this to mind? Well, that book I’ve been reading. Michael A. Singer’s book. Want to hear the quote that really struck a chord with me? Here it is:

Why do we have to think about ourselves all the time? Why are so many thoughts about I, me, and mine? Look how often you think about how you’re doing, whether you like things or not, and how to rearrange the world to please yourself. You think like this because you’re not okay inside, and you’re constantly trying to make yourself feel better…The only reason that you think about your psychological well-being so much is because it has not been okay for a very long time. It’s actually quite fragile in there. Just about anything can upset the psyche.

The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, pg. 91

Yep, that hit me directly in the brain, heart, and well, pretty much all over. What is this blog’s purpose if not for that? To make me feel better about myself? Meh. I don’t want that. It’s time to do some thinking and understand why I write this blog each and every day. Is it simply a mask for how poorly I’m actually doing? I mean, it’s not like I hide that fact from you lot, but still. Definitely something to think about.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Time to Write (Slow Day)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s that daily itch coming through right on schedule. Almost done with work for the day (yes, I know it’s only 1:30 PM CT but… things are slow, too slow).

Sad thing is, I don’t have much to write about today. Again, it’s fight week–that’s mostly what’s on my mind this week. I have a “Deep Stretch” class later today mixed with some steam room time and whirlpool time. I ran a couple miles today and had a sports massage. I’m doing everything in my power to make sure my body and mentals are right for Saturday.

Which is why I’m writing today, even when I don’t have much to say. Routine is important for me. Hopefully I have more substance for you tomorrow, but it felt good to type something out today.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Weight Control

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Today we’re going to be discussing weight but not in the normal sense. Actually, I’m in great shape and sit at 6’3″ and 173 pounds.

However, for my fight on Saturday, I need to be 167-168 pounds. And I’m not going to lie, I did terrible at self control last night. I ate a full dinner followed by a plethora of snacks (and not the good kind). I need to be better.

But what I’ve noticed from my eating isn’t that I’m hungry when I eat, I’m just… bored. Super bored. I could be reading, writing, watching TV, playing with my dogs, but my mind still thinks about food in the evening time. And that’s not good for fight week.

So what’s my plan? Well, I can’t start myself. However, I did field some questions from Instagram and to be honest, I got a lot of great advice. No, I’m not going to intermittent fast–no way. No, I’m not going to eat strictly tuna and cottage cheese–absolutely no way. But I can take some of the advice people gave me. Stop eating past 8:30 PM–I’m going to try that tonight. Seriously.

Do you lot have any advice for me? I don’t need to worry too much because I have a few workouts left this week and I’ll be going for jogs every morning, but there is a slight concern there. What do you do when you need to keep a few pounds off or lose a couple pounds here or there?

I’ll be 167-168 Saturday morning. I know I will. Why am I freaking out about it? It’s in my nature. But I’m noticing it now so I can work through it, let it pass, and stay in the moment rather than think about the worst case scenario that won’t happen.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Start of Fight Week

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 5 Comments

Hi, everybody.

My mental health might be a bit scattered this week. I mean, it usually is anyway, but I do take fight week very seriously. Always have. Actually, even though I’ve only had seven fights, I can comfortably say that I’ve done my best “thinking” during fight weeks. You really have to ask a lot of yourself. And after my final sparring rounds this morning, it’s time to ask those questions.

First thing you have to ask is, is this worth it?

The answer is always yes. At least for me.

Second thing you have to ask is, do you have enough discipline to stay focused and maintain weight?

The answer is always yes. At least for me.

But it’s been five years since my last fight. That one ended regrettably, with a split decision going in the other guy’s favor. He won the fight, probably, but I stopped fighting then. Kinda gave up after a few decisions didn’t go my way in other fights. I had enough of letting the judges tell me I didn’t do enough even when I had the other fighters telling me I did more than them. Or the other coaches. Whatever. I’m not bitter, right? Ha.

But that’s not an issue for me anymore. Even though I just brought it up, I really don’t pay it any mind anymore. Now that I’m a bit older, I’ve realized the only thing that matters is the effort I put into the gym and into my sparring sessions. It’s like Connor Benn says: “You know what I’ve been doing? Crushing it in the gym.”, but he says it in a super cool British accent that I do not posses. Although I’m four to five pounds over the weight limit for my class (middleweight), that’s nothing to worry about. A bit of jogging and a bit of sauna time will clear that water weight right out. Also, fully clean eating will help quite a bit.

I’m ready.

Also, fair warning, this will probably end up being the topic of the week. Hell, I might even talk about how I think each round will go, if it goes past the first round. I’m super pumped, you all. So very excited. The work I’ve put in will have an end result–then I go pro early next year.

It’s true and I’m noticing it now. I’m not saying “if you try hard enough, you can do anything”–I think that’s bullshit. BUT, within reason, yes, you can do anything. Look at me. I blog to a bunch of people every single day and fight people at night. Does it make sense? No. Does it have to make sense? No.

Let’s do this thing.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Saturday Singer Quotes

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

That title feels dirty. Alliteration is meh anymore, isn’t it?

OK. Let us get into it! QUOTE DAY, BABY! I’ll be pulling from the book I’ve written about a few times this week. Once again, that book is titled The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer (get the title of the blog post now?).

You have to break the habit of thinking that the solution to your problems is to rearrange things outside.

That one really hits home.

You’re not even a human being. You just happen to be watching one.

Weird, right? Kinda true, kinda not. The idea of it is true, but… yeah, I think you get it. Funky. I like it.

Just as everything that happens outside in the physical world requires energy, everything that happens inside requires an expenditure of energy.

This is so very true for me. I don’t know about you. I could run a few miles, swim a bit, play some tennis, box a bit, and do it all on an empty stomach. However, if I have to battle something within me? Pfft, I’m tired after the first swing. It sounds like I need some balancing.

OK, last one. Bit longer.

…Learn to stay open no matter what happens. If you do, you get for free what everybody else is struggling for: love, enthusiasm, excitement, and energy. You simply realize that defining what you need in order to stay open actually ends up limiting you. If you make lists of how the world must be for you to open, you have limited your openness to those conditions. Better to be open no matter what.

It’s a good book. A really good book.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

Cheated!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 3 Comments

Hi, everybody.

So this morning I sweat through my polo. Why? Well, I had to give a product demonstration to the whole company. And guess what? It was in front of 200 people and I was up against four tenured sales representatives for the company.

I came in second. Losing by two votes.

BUT THERE’S A CATCH.

The winner pre-recorded their demonstration! I went live and direct with mine. There has to be some bonus points for going live, right? I think so. Don’t you? DON’T YOU?

I had fun doing it. It honestly benefited me because now I know if I can impress 200 people within my company who designed our software, I can most likely impress your average prospect.

I do want to circle back to the first part of this blog. Sweating through my shirt. Man, it felt good to be nervous again. There’s something about it that just makes you feel alive (although sometimes you can be so nervous you wish you were miraculously dead). I am glad I took on this challenge. And look! It prevented another “quote day” (don’t worry, I have some absolute bangers for you tomorrow from this book I’m reading).

As for what else is going on in my day? Not much besides… PREMIER LEAGUE STARTS BACK UP, BABY! COYG!

It’s an exciting day, but I must remember to challenge myself when I get content like this. Yes, it’s a good day right now, but will it be in a couple of hours? That’s not for me to worry about right now–let’s get that straight–but I must make sure to remember these words when those couple hours pass.

Again, thank you so much for reading my babbling. You lot are something else. Always pouring in tremendous support to a stranger like me–it’s greatly appreciated.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.