Tag: mental health

Don’t Freak Yourself Out

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

If you read my last post (here, you lazy but loveable pile of shit) you know I broke up with a short-term girlfriend last night.

Man, did she surprise me. Not only was she accepting that my mental health holds me back from being 100% committed right now, but she also offered help moving forward. She didn’t cling. She didn’t fight. She just listened.

People surprise us. I found myself more welled up with tears than she was, but coming to terms with your own ‘right here, right now‘ deficiencies can really get to ya.

What’s the lesson here? I don’t really know. Don’t freak yourself out because you need to be honest due to the importance of your own self care?

Yeah, let’s go with that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rushing Into Things

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I have a habit of this.

I have many habits (as many addicts do). Most of my habits are bad, too. One habit? Jumping into things way too early.

I have to break up with a really nice woman later tonight. Currently I’m eating tacos & downing tequila because I really, really dislike this interaction in life. There’s nothing satisfying from it. Yes, you get to let that person go. You get to move on. Yet, the tears, the disappointment, everything that comes tumbling down – it hurts. Both sides.

I’m regretting my decision of jumping into this, rushing into this, but part of me doesn’t hold that regret. Over the past few weeks, I’ve made a tremendous connection with someone. We’ve shared laughs, hugs, kisses, ideas, & much more. I really hope we can remain friends. You never know what’ll happen down the road. Right now, I need my time. I need to love myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Another Good’un

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

To be quite honest with everyone reading this blog regularly, the last few days I’ve been a nightmare. I turned another corner for now, though.

Oh! Happy New Year, errybody! Can we kill the 2020 jokes now? I think they’re a bit worn out.

But today I had an upturn, uptick, whatever you want to call it. I started the day with a fantastic boxing coaching session with a lady friend of mine, followed by a dog party of four, finished with a bit of side work.

Oh! I also got the inspection on my new house done today. The inspector said nothing but glorious things about the structure & innards of the house. Very happy to move into this place soon. I need to get out of my parent’s house. Bad.

Well, that’s all I have today. Just another day where I want to write to you lot. I really do hope you’re doing pretty damn awesome nowadays.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Smile to Your Anger

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

I wake up in the morning a wildcard. I may look tired when I wake up, but I assure you, my mind has plenty of energy. At least negative energy. No valid thoughts, judgments, or anything, really. Just anger. Anger at others for no reason. Anger at myself for, well, stuff I still can’t thoroughly determine.

Yesterday morning was one of many examples. I unleashed on my parents, the people allowing me to stay with them as I close on a new house (finally got one this week). This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this is in the past month I’ve been with them. It’s a recurring process of yelling, arguing, & usually followed by many apologies.

To combat this issue, I need to learn how to listen to myself in the morning. How to tell myself this anger doesn’t stem from what’s around me, but from what’s within. I’ve leaned into a book called How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. So far it’s slapped me in the face with how terrible of a listener I am, but I hope to grow from it.

Growing yourself requires awareness. Awareness can come & go, though. Right now I have clear thoughts–in an hour I may have my brain dead brain back. I might lose control. I can’t, though. Or, let’s not say I can’t, but let’s say the regularity of it happening needs to slow the fuck down.

We “kill” our anger by smiling to it, holding it gently, looking deep to understand its roots and transforming it with understanding and compassion.

How to Fight, Thich Nhat Hanh, Page 20

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Presence Over Presents

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Might be trying too hard with the titles over here, who knows.

Hi, everybody! What are we discussing this Christmas Eve? PRESENTS. Or presence, I guess. The pros of presence. Or maybe the cons of presents. We’ll see where this thing goes. Oh. I’m going to be a bit of a Grinch, too. Ope, we might’ve figured out which direction this thing is going already.

Each year leads up to this time. A time of the year supposedly filled with happiness, joy, not a care in the world. Well, I (& I believe most of you) call bullshit. This time of the year is so damn stressful–& not for any reason that’s worth a damn. Earlier someone mentioned their family member passed & another one of their family members purchased the same gift for… well, I’m confusing myself already. Anyway, someone got another person the same gift. It was a HUGE deal. Almost ruined Christmas.

WHAT?!

Why do we care so much about what we give others & what we get from others? What the hell are we even doing anymore? We don’t care about being with one another. We care if we get the PS5 or if we get some new socks. The difference between those two can be life or death.

Christmas isn’t a celebration of you. It’s not a celebration of any of us. I’m not a believer (sorry, my believer readers), but I’m pretty sure it’s a celebration of Jesus. How about we STOP with the presents & just be present?

End rant. Merry Christmas!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

On A Roll

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

These are halftime thoughts, really. Everton is playing Manchester United in the League Cup. I think I have about seven to eight minutes to finish this post. Oh, score is 0-0 if you’re wondering. United look more likely to score. Edinson Cavani is a baller.

OK, so we need to connect to the title. I mean, really, we spoke about soccer (yes, I’m American, I say soccer). Soccer balls roll, so this post is pretty much complete.

What the fuck is wrong with me sometimes?

No, the reason I’m writing to you today is two-fold:
1. Family member I’m staying with has COVID, therefore I’m on lockdown as well
2. I’m on a fucking roll with blogs, there’s no denying it

Funny thing is I’m not even trying to write more often. It’s just happening. I told myself I wanted to be active on this blog back in August when I started it. I’ve been more than excelling past my own expectations of myself for this $42/yr website. Totally worth every penny.

It’s funny how like … I’d say 85% of the followers are bots. WordPress has some issues there, definitely. I hope some of you out there read this stuff & get something from it. I mean, go back to some August 2020 or September 2020 posts. Fucking tragic. Yeah, some posts now are just as tragic, but let’s not pretend there’s no improvement.

OH, I’m down to my original medication, too. Once a month for therapy instead of the weekly followed by bi-weekly.

Lots of information for you lot, I know. Back to the game! Life rolls on! (I’m so sorry for that.)

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Update: You people made me miss one minute & fifty-four seconds of the second half. How dare you.

Spurts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

We all go on spurts. Gambling spurts, traveling spurts, spurts of depression, etc..

Do you know what a spurt is? If not, here’s how Oxford Languages defines it: A sudden marked burst or increase of activity or speed.

A sudden burst equaling increased activity. For a guy like me, a guy who willingly plunges under the covers to throw away two hours just to get rid of those two hours, spurts can be day-changing. I’m going to hold back from saying “life-changing” for now… unless I can continue to ride this spurt till the sun comes up.

Anyway, what can a spurt do, you ask?

Since really getting going at 10 AM (now 7:30 PM), I’ve…

  • Written this blog (easy one)
  • Really struggling to recall now…
  • Oh, I put together a rough 10-year plan for my lifelong dream
  • Studied hyphens & I still have no fucking clue how they really work, like really WTF’s up with those
  • Demolished some spreadsheet stuff from work I put off for the past… four or so months
  • Took a COVID test (doesn’t bother me – not that I’m some tough guy, but… yeah, doesn’t bother me, not that I’m a tough guy or anything…)
  • Took the dogs on TWO, not one, but TWO walks
  • Showered (that’s a regular occurence, I swear)
  • Last night I took a woman out to look at lights (don’t worry, she had COVID like a week ago. She’s immune, they say – for now)
  • That last bullet sounded evil
  • Ooh, phrasing
  • OK, let’s get back on track, I cooked dinner for the folks (bacon, eggs to order, hash browns)
  • About to workout here on the living room floor (currently on COVID watch so can’t head to the gym)

OK, way too much information there. One of you shoulda said something. Tell me to shut up, cmon!

Hey, on a serious note, I hope you find spurts here or there on more occasions. Don’t be afraid to turn off once you feel your brain melting a bit. It’s always OK to rest. After a while, we can turn those spurts into some consistency. Hopefully, right?

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Don’t Have Much To Do, Figured I’d Write To You

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

As we hit the holiday season, work slows down. Life slows down a bit. My Pops is now quarantined due to possible COVID exposure, so we’re just one … happy family living with each other 24/7. Should be a fun experiment.

Oh, that reminds me, I need a new damn house or a rental. Really, anything. I’ll take anything right now. I miss my independence, not having to pay attention to how loud I’m being, & just overall having a bit more freedom. I can’t thank my parents enough for allowing me to stay at their place while I look for a new home.

So, slow days. What do you lot do on slow days? I’m thinking of doing some data-mining for work (thrilling), reading a book, & I really need to check if a soccer match is on today. Also, I have my second & third job to attend to later this afternoon. Someone’s a boxing coach again! Can ya guess who it is?

On slow days, I find it best mentally to not stress yourself out with the amount of time you have on your hands. Do what you want to do. Maybe set a couple goals for the day, but if you’re struggling mentally, don’t ram your head into a brick wall if you don’t get everything done. There’s always another slow day coming your way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Perspective

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

“It’s all about perspective.”

How many times have you heard that throughout your life? Shit, it gets annoying, doesn’t it? Sucks that it’s 100% factual, doesn’t it?

This will be a short post. Felt like writing here this morning. Had a bit too much coffee, or maybe just the right amount of coffee, depending on my perspective.

See what I did there?

Anyway, the point here is you can change the way you think of things, the way you look at things, the feelings you have about yourself. You have that power. No one else does. ONLY YOU. Remember that as you move forward through your day. I’ll try to do the same. Don’t worry, we’ll get through this shit together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Story Time #1 – One Lives for Two

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I’ve been thinking, & I think it’s about time you lot get to know me a bit more. No, not my name, location, etc., but some moments in my life I believe impacted me in a certain way (neither all good or all bad).

So, with that said, we’ll call these installments “Story Time” – I can’t think of anything better right now. One of my many English professors told me multiple times to just “throw up on the page” when writing, so here it goes: My mantra explained.

The way I recall this event may be slightly different than how it actually happened. My Pops is the only family member that knows about this blog, so he may pick out some errors if he decides to read this. But hey, we can’t change our memories. This story takes place when I was four, almost five. My brother nine, & my mother & father in their late 30’s – early 40’s. I’m actually sitting on the couch in the same home this all happened. Eery, really. I don’t enjoy it much here.

I really get off track quickly, don’t I?

Anyway, about that mantra I’m supposed to explain. It’s “One lives for two”, & it’s for my late brother.

Flashback to 96′, it was a blindingly sunny day in the backyard, early summertime. Kids running, laughing, screaming, & of course, playing every single sport known to mankind. I remember my parents served pizza that day, but I couldn’t eat it. Stupid gluten. I was really mad about that. Next thing I remember is my brother collapsing in the backyard. Again, I could be misremembering, but I do remember a frenzy. Things I couldn’t understand. Things happening so fast. No more laughing. Only screaming, running, & crying. No one knew what to do.

My parents took control. One gave CPR, the other called for help. Neighbors booked it up the street to alert the cop on our block. His wife said he was too busy sleeping to come help. What a guy, right? Fuck that guy. He ended up divorced, go figure.

I stayed the night away from my brother. I stayed at a neighbor’s house. I don’t remember a single thing we did. All I remember is sitting on my bed the next day, parents slouched in front of me letting me know Nick wasn’t coming home.

Last Wednesday, my parents & I took a small tree to his gravestone. After my parents stepped away as we were leaving, I took a step back towards him. “You’re an asshole for leaving me here alone,” I said, laughing & crying. I hope he got a good laugh out of that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.