Chilly Hands

Hi, everybody.

Why is this titled Chilly Hands? Well, I have chilly hands at this exact moment. I’m super literal on these blogs, especially when I just have a Siri reminder telling me to blog at random times. I don’t really have too much to write about… yet.

Let’s see. Life is fucking weird, man. I’ve now went back and forth with my girlfriend like 5 times now and we feel the healthiest and most open we’ve ever felt. Sometimes bumps and bruises can lead to a reward I guess? I really can’t understand this life shit – especially being ‘healthy.’

But I do feel exactly that. Healthy, most of the times. I’m getting good sleep, I’m eating well, financially I’m somewhat responsible, and I’m being more loosey-goosey in life again. It feels good. I feel good. I hope you feel good, too.

But what is going on in your life? Is there something you could dig into real quick that might best prepare you for the next 20 minutes of your life? Something you need to sit down and just think about for a second, with zero distractions around ya? I think that’s what’s gotten me to this state of ‘healthy’ – letting myself sit and think for a bit when I need to. Self reflection and all that stuff, ya know?

Well, I think the well is dry. I don’t have much more to write about when things aren’t going shitty. It’s weird, I’m much more vocal and audible when I feel better. Less of a writer, more of a talker. I guess that isn’t that weird, is it? I’m sure I’ll be back with PLENTY to write about sometime soon.

Until then, nah.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lots Going On

Hi, everybody.

How often do I write here now? Every two weeks? Three? I only write when I know I need it. Right now, I do.

Tomorrow I have a boxing match. This one is weird. I’m not engaged. I’m not excited. I just want to get it over with. Maybe I’m sick of competing? Maybe. Or maybe I just have too much stuff going on.

My full-time job is great, it really is. It’s a lot of work, but I’m valued and the pay shows it. Finally. But everything else in life? I don’t feel like I’m getting the value out of it. The NFT stuff, the coaching, and even at times my relationship. It feels like I give a lot of myself and don’t have much of myself by the end of the day. Does anyone else run into that problem?

Also, I feel like I’m running in circles chasing my own tail nowadays. I mean, not every day is the same day, but every day is filled with tasks from about 9 AM to midnight. It’s not healthy – and this goes for weekends, too. I haven’t been able to keep up with any news, watch any of my favorite sports teams, or really see much of my friends. I need help, but I’m stuck with these responsibilities and obligations. These commitments. My pops always told me commitments are important and it’s stuck with me. I don’t want to let anyone down, ever. I’ve done that so often throughout my life and it’s something I just don’t want to do again – especially if I can have control over it.

All that said, the audience I know is screaming “BALANCE, BALANCE!”, and believe me, I’m trying. Each day I wake up I tell myself I’m not going to give into this, I’m not going to do that, but my mind plagues me with “You’re a piece of shit if you don’t do what you told yourself you would do.”

Example? I want to take a nap right now but in my Siri reminders I had “Blog”. What am I doing now? Blogging. What will I be doing after blogging? Getting my laundry done. Will I nap? Probably not.

But maybe if I stop writing, especially now that I’ve been able to muster this aggression out of me and into an outlet like this, maybe I can take that nap. And guess what, I’m going to go do that now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Do It for Free

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know, I don’t write that often. Maybe I don’t want to write for free, alright?

BOOM. Already hit the title. Look at me goooooo.

OK, back to it. I’ve spent a significant amount of my time recently doing things that don’t bring me any income. It’s been great. Am I being sarcastic? Hell no. Value doesn’t come down to monetary alone. Value comes from so much more. I work on an NFT project and right now it’s not bringing much money in. Why? Well, we aren’t releasing anything. It’s more about keeping the community together as we build. And guess what? It’s been just as much fun as it was when we were making money.

It’s weird. Do the things you like with the people you love and you might find yourself in a good spot. I should always do that, shouldn’t I? Well, I’ve been doing it with boxing, too. Only coaching those who bring value into my life and only boxing when it drives that same value into my life. Boom, winner.

Work? Well, yes, I get paid for that. But the company I joined in November brings value into my life. Outside of the money deposited into my account, I get SO MUCH from my coworkers, the environment, and the day-to-day work. I love it.

So yeah, don’t do shit for free. Do shit that puts value directly in your life. You’ll thank yourself for it. And I’m thanking myself for writing this. It brought value to me, whether you believe it or not!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Mother’s Day Post

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Work “Boot Camp”

Hi, everybody!

That exclamation mark is deceiving. I’m actually not excited whatsoever. It’s CULTURE time at the new company, meaning I have a two-week orientation starting today. And I’m not excited. I’ll probably tell you how unexcited I am about 50 times throughout this blog, if it lasts that long.

OK, but really, I’m not excited AT ALL. But I do like this company quite a bit, so I guess I’ll suck it up and push forward. Sometimes we have to do shitty shit in life to get to where we want to go. We all need to accept that. Your Instagram feed isn’t realistic, so don’t think that’s what life is supposed to be like. Life still comes with many ups and downs, lulls, and voids. Usually more of the latter than the former for most of us.

But stick in there. If you are about to embark on a two-week mission of misery, identify it. Then find a way to dominate it.

OPE! First “meeting” starts in five minutes. Gotta go.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sorry For The Language, But… Fuck

Let me start this off with…

Wait, hold on.

Hi, everybody!

OK, let me start this off with the fact that I am stupid tired right now. I’m so very stressed at the moment I just scheduled out emails to go out in the morning for me. Highly effective, but I rarely do that. I know I’m overextending myself when I am doing that. WOAH, see? Writing just fleshed that all out for me. Holy shit.

OK, where are we driving?

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the language in the title. Let me explain the best I can. Disclaimer: I know there are certain stigmas around things, some items are overblown, not as bad as we’ve been conditioned into thinking they are, but still, as you read this, understand I’m just fucking scared. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m scared.

I slept with a woman the other night. Long story short, the condom broke within 30-45 seconds, most likely. Things got weird at the very start & I cut it off. Once I pulled out, well, things got even more weird.

Fuck, you know what I just realized? My Pops reads this shit. Welp, if you’re reading this, man, understand I’m a BIT STRESSED FROM THIS RIGHT NOW. Sorry in advance. Well, I’ll try to be aware. I will. See? Writing, man. It’s pretty cool.

OK, we were driving the right way there but we lost our signal for a moment. We’re back, baby. Remember, I’m stupid tired. So, yes, things somehow became more strange & let me tell you, the things that made me stop within a minute were very, very strange. I don’t just stop having sex without a valid reason. I heard things I’ve never heard before. I don’t know if I’ll unhear them.

Anyway, let’s get back to it. This is the paragraph, I promise. I will get to the fucking point. (You should find that funny later.) Cut past some emotional moments, questions, & it turns out she has herpes. Yes, herpes. Just typing that made my heart drop. IF YOU FOUND ANGER READING THAT, PLEASE REFER TO THE KIND DISCLAIMER UP TOP. THANK YOU. I don’t know what it is about it, but the best way I can describe it is I don’t want to add it to my list. One thing to definitely mention: there was no outbreak & there hasn’t been any in quite some time. That gives me slight piece of mind. But OK, the list…

I am:

  • Gluten intolerant – like the real kind
  • Soy intolerant – honestly don’t know if this is real but I feel better without it
  • Lactose intolerant – not going to lie to you folks, I can sacrifice a lot of time & toilet paper if the cheese is good enough
  • Former drug addict – once a drug addict, always a drug addict, am I right, y’all? WHY DID THEY TEACH US THAT?
  • Jailed multiple times as a kid
  • Pulled away from the home to stay in group homes & other places that were… oof, to say the least
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • I write blogs about herpes at 1:15 AM

I mean, do I need to keep going? No. You get the point. But now we add a whopper to this list. Whopper Jr., if you’re reading this. We could be adding herpes, folks. Fuck. That’s why I said it in the title. Because, well, fuck. That’s all I can think about it. I’m not even trying to be funny. I can’t be funny with this shit. I can’t get a single straight thought across.

I know my life isn’t over. Again, check the disclaimer. I’m just scared, y’all. I’m hoping I can catch a break. I really hope I do. Knock on wood? (Literally knocked on wood after I typed that… out. Well, I did it again for good measure right now.)

I gave you a list of the bad shit about me. That was rude. Woe is me isn’t allowed in this shit. I have plenty positive to say to myself, to you about myself, & plenty to be grateful for. But sometimes, y’all, it’s OK to feel like the fucking world is closing in on you. The water rising as you reach the ceiling. Breath becoming more & more valuable with the pass of each anxious moment.

Again, I’m stupid tired right now. I don’t even know if we’re talking about herpes anymore.

OK, well, I’m not going to list out of the positive things. I’ve said them to myself. I’m good with that. I hope you are, too. Why don’t you try saying some positive things about yourself? Stop being so negative all the time, god damn. What’s there to be scared about? Herpes?

Maybe.

But we’ll get through it. Together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

IF YOU CARE: I’m getting tested tomorrow morning for all other STDs, getting tested for herpes after the accurate incubation period. All of these fucking medical bills are getting ridiculous.

SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, OH WELL. I REFUSE TO EDIT vA BLOG ON HERPES. GOOD DAY.

UPDATE TO THE SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I DID EDIT. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, JUST GO AWAY. Fuck, I need to sleep.

Finding Joy in Simplicity – Or the Other Way Around

There’s one chore in the day that I always brings me joy – actually, if I didn’t get this one chore done, I’d probably be on the other side of joy.

You’ll never guess what it is. It’s too simple. Way too simple. Doesn’t make any sense, really, as to why it provides joy. But it does.

The simple chore is watering my garden. Yes, you’re probably thinking, “This dude is about to write a blog on watering his garden,” and you’re probably right. We’ll see where the keyboard takes us. And if it takes us there, so be it.

I’ve asked myself many times why this 30-40 minute chore lights up my day. I really can’t figure out an answer to that question, and quite frankly, I don’t think it matters. Maybe I’ll get to that by the end of this blog – usually that’s what happens. Ah, the power of writing and self-exploration. Anyway, what matters is the end result: Joy.

I start with my garden beds, filled with way too many peppers, tomatoes, and herbs. I wish I had a few more people in my life to share these with, but I do my best to bring the Shishito peppers to a certain friend and the hot peppers to a friend that enjoys stuffed cheeseburgers. My mother loves tomatoes, so she gets priority on those. You’d think that’s what would bring me joy, but it’s not. Yes, giving is something is fulfilling and should never be taken for granted, but allowing growth and life by a simple action of turning on some water… that’s where the joy comes from for me.

Also, have you ever just stopped and watched a sprinkler do its job? It really is mesmerizing. Highly recommend.

I recently purchased a couple of bushes for the front of my house. Two plants that I’m really proud of – yes, I’m proud of my plants. They’re doing quite well, thank you very much. Each evening, right around 8 PM CST, I go outside and water those two new additions to my garden family. Each time I inspect the health of the bushes & notice the immense growth these bushes are experiencing. That’s what brings me that joy I keep harping on about. See! We ended up with a reason for the joy! Again, the power of writing and self-observation.

Why are these new bushes growing? Well, the sun helps, obviously – but the genuine joy I have when I water my garden helps, too.

I do want you to get something out of this blog. I know what I want you to get out of this. It’s something that one of my favorite therapists said to me years back after getting over an intense breakup: Celebrate the small happinesses in your life.

Now, what’s that mean? What constitutes a small happiness? Again, it’s quite simple. Did you make yourself a sandwich today & enjoy that sandwich? That’s a small happiness. Did you open the door for someone today and receive a thank you? That’s a small happiness. The list goes on and on, but really it’s about appreciating the simple things in life as much as the complex.

Don’t take anything for granted. When I move from this house, I’ll miss my garden. However, I’ll start another one, and I’ll water it each & every day.

Joy is something we don’t experience every day. Notice that. Understand that. Also understand that we don’t experience it because we don’t allow ourselves to experience it. It always comes down to the “bigger” things in life, but joy can come from some of the most customary acts in our life.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.