Being Vulnerable With A Purpose

Hi, everybody.

Over the past two days, I’ve opened up to quite a few new people in my life. Whether it was about where I’m at financially, in my love life, or how my mentals are doing, I’ve made sure to make myself vulnerable to people.

Why? Why the fuck would you do that, man? Sounds terrible.

It is terrible. At the start. Then the other person opens up. Then you listen. Then you have a friend. It’s a scary process, but a very simple process. We as humans tend to overcomplicate the simplest of things. Let’s stop doing that.

I wrote about “ordinary courage” last week. I’ve really been practicing it since then. It’s freeing. I’ve never been embarrassed (in my adult life) about my mental condition, my drug addiction, or any of the other “whoa” shit. However, I didn’t understand the importance of what I’ve went through and how it can positively impact others till I started this blog.

You, me, all of us battling through depression, anxiety, and all the other bullshit. Guess what? We’re fucking champions. And you’re a Champion of mental health. Get out there, speak with people, show that ordinary courage on a daily basis. I can almost guarantee you make a friend or two. And if not, I bet there’s something you do to help others, and really that’s all that matters here.

We’re all in this together, folks. Whether your struggles are mental or physical, we all struggle. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. Get out there and help the fellow strugglers (there’s plenty to choose from). You’ll be surprised on how much you really do have to offer.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Mystery Boxes

Hi, everyone.

If you’ve been reading my blog for some time, you’ll know 1 – I got out of a relationship a year ago, 2 – I sold my house that had everything of hers in it, 3 – I bought a new house.

Doesn’t sound crazy. Nothing unique. Ordinary shit, I know. But today I realized how difficult it really is to separate from someone fully, even if you haven’t talked to them in months. I mean, maybe it isn’t even possible. Yet to find out. Example? I went through my last boxes to unpack in the basement this morning. Two letters from her. Saw the handwriting, saw the name, ripped them up. Shoved them deep into a trash can and now I’m hoping I don’t think about those letters today.

Welp, I failed but I at least made it about 30 minutes till failure. Look what I’m writing about. The letters. Shit.

Maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about this. This is a natural progression into a new life, a new me, a new everything. It’s exciting going at it alone (well, not entirely alone, I do have a wonderful support system–get one, they’re helpful). But today I’m proud of one thing: I didn’t lose my damn mind over this. Instead, I disposed of the letters and moved on to the next box. A few months back? I would have stopped right there. Went to my bed. Laid down. Got a bit high. Try to fall asleep. Try to forget.

Now? Well, here I am, writing to you about it. I call that growth. If your read my post from… yesterday? Well, we could call this ordinary courage. Have you made small progressions you haven’t yet noticed? I bet you have. I didn’t notice this till it slapped me in my face. Go ahead, take a look in the mirror. I bet you’re better today than you were yesterday, and if not, you’re on your way. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be up reading this. You’d be in the fetal position in your bed, wondering what the fuck to do next. I’ve been there. A lot of individuals have been there. Keep motherfuckin’ pushing. It’s worth it. I promise. I wouldn’t be telling you this shit every single post if I didn’t believe it to be true myself. You. Can. Do. This. Shit.

And if you’re in the fetal position in your bed while reading this, please know that we’re here for you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Before Boxing

Hi, everybody.

I now have TEN boxers. All very green, but promising! I’m writing this right now because I’m about to head out to coach a few. This is the best feeling I have during the day now. The moment right before I head to the gym. Right before I tell people to throw a jab, cross, angle out, toss another jab in there, throw a hook, & finish with a strong uppercut. Oh, make sure to jab out, too. Don’t want to get caught with shots when you’re finished with that combination.

Just typing that there got me pumped up. I fucking love coaching. It’s all I want to do. The relationships I make in this shit are PRICELESS. The vulnerability and openness people have with their coach is unmatched & I learn so much about the world, life, and other people’s lives each & every day.

I need to make sure to never take this for granted. Never turning this into a job. Keep it as a passion.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Smile to Your Anger

Hi, everyone.

I wake up in the morning a wildcard. I may look tired when I wake up, but I assure you, my mind has plenty of energy. At least negative energy. No valid thoughts, judgments, or anything, really. Just anger. Anger at others for no reason. Anger at myself for, well, stuff I still can’t thoroughly determine.

Yesterday morning was one of many examples. I unleashed on my parents, the people allowing me to stay with them as I close on a new house (finally got one this week). This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this is in the past month I’ve been with them. It’s a recurring process of yelling, arguing, & usually followed by many apologies.

To combat this issue, I need to learn how to listen to myself in the morning. How to tell myself this anger doesn’t stem from what’s around me, but from what’s within. I’ve leaned into a book called How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. So far it’s slapped me in the face with how terrible of a listener I am, but I hope to grow from it.

Growing yourself requires awareness. Awareness can come & go, though. Right now I have clear thoughts–in an hour I may have my brain dead brain back. I might lose control. I can’t, though. Or, let’s not say I can’t, but let’s say the regularity of it happening needs to slow the fuck down.

We “kill” our anger by smiling to it, holding it gently, looking deep to understand its roots and transforming it with understanding and compassion.

How to Fight, Thich Nhat Hanh, Page 20

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

On A Roll

These are halftime thoughts, really. Everton is playing Manchester United in the League Cup. I think I have about seven to eight minutes to finish this post. Oh, score is 0-0 if you’re wondering. United look more likely to score. Edinson Cavani is a baller.

OK, so we need to connect to the title. I mean, really, we spoke about soccer (yes, I’m American, I say soccer). Soccer balls roll, so this post is pretty much complete.

What the fuck is wrong with me sometimes?

No, the reason I’m writing to you today is two-fold:
1. Family member I’m staying with has COVID, therefore I’m on lockdown as well
2. I’m on a fucking roll with blogs, there’s no denying it

Funny thing is I’m not even trying to write more often. It’s just happening. I told myself I wanted to be active on this blog back in August when I started it. I’ve been more than excelling past my own expectations of myself for this $42/yr website. Totally worth every penny.

It’s funny how like … I’d say 85% of the followers are bots. WordPress has some issues there, definitely. I hope some of you out there read this stuff & get something from it. I mean, go back to some August 2020 or September 2020 posts. Fucking tragic. Yeah, some posts now are just as tragic, but let’s not pretend there’s no improvement.

OH, I’m down to my original medication, too. Once a month for therapy instead of the weekly followed by bi-weekly.

Lots of information for you lot, I know. Back to the game! Life rolls on! (I’m so sorry for that.)

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Update: You people made me miss one minute & fifty-four seconds of the second half. How dare you.