What

Hi, everybody!

Lake day was a huge success. Had fun, no mishaps outside a very hefty trip right onto a rock (I’m fine but it was funny), and I woke up refreshed this morning.

So what?

Right? Like who gives a shit. And I’m not saying that in a negative way, honestly. If you read my blog yesterday, or at least I think from yesterday (I had quite a few beers yesterday), you should know that I’m going face first into the now. F the past, F the future, let’s focus on now. I guess a better question than the one posted above would be “Why?”. Why write about what happened yesterday. Why think about what happened yesterday. Why not just focus on now? Right? Right.

So how do we focus on the now at all times? It’s not possible. It really isn’t. But we can focus on the now when we think about the now.

I swear I’m not high, I’m just thinking through the writing. It’s what my professors taught me to do and I believe it’s what my therapist would probably tell me to do now, too. Jesus. That’s actually hilarious.

Anyway, it’s time to focus on the now, people! Like right now I need to stop writing a blog and get my buddy down to the airport. SHIT.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Coming to an End

Hi, everybody.

Don’t worry, this blog isn’t finished! However, I think I need to stop thinking about this streak a bit less (this will be 78 days in a row). It actually drives my anxiety up and with the way I’ve been feeling lately, that’s definitely not needed. Why has this been driving my anxiety up? It’s not the writing itself, but it’s the self-given obligation + not much material to write about. Like today, I don’t have anything for ya really. I played tennis with my Pops earlier, worked out, did a bunch of chores, and I coach later this evening. That’s it. My days are all the same. At least it feels that way. Always in a rush, always looking at the clock.

Want to know what my focus is? I want to make some money. I want to be comfortable enough where I can travel more and just do more. Right now my life is boring. I’m getting to the point where I’m not excited for anything again and it’s fucking scary. My passions are depleting and the repetitive motions are getting to me. What can I change? Myself, a bit. I can be a bit more aware of this feeling and try to combat it with practical ideas, such as doing more work on the weekends so I better set myself up for the week. I don’t know. I’m drowning. I’m 30 and lost. I’m fucking lost.

I’ll still write to you lot, I promise. Maybe not tomorrow but maybe tomorrow, who the hell knows.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Scattered Focus

As we continue down this path of getting to know me, I thought it might be time to address what I like to call “scattered focus”. It’s a pretty self-explanatory term, but I’ll explain it. Scattered focus, for me, is very simple: I have intervals where I’m focused, like during the work day or in my workouts. These are moments in the day where my mind is completely present, mostly aware, & I don’t have 14 random thoughts racing through my mind.

I love these moments. My moments of focus really drive me to the next day majority of the time. One of my all-time favorite therapists that I’ve had & it’s really sad typing that out… hahahahahaha. Sorry, “my all-time favorite therapist” like it’s a Greatest Hits album. Jesus, this life.

Anyway, one of the only therapists I had great success with told me to focus on the small happinesses in life. Focus on the little things. I think I’ve went over this with you lot before, but I want to really stress it here. My moments of focus are also moments of small happiness, sometimes BIG happiness. It’s important to note that stuff, you know. Important to note the wins you have throughout the day, no matter how sparse they are.

Even within my writing you can tell that my focus isn’t always there. I don’t know what I typed two paragraphs ago & there’s a good chance half of this shit doesn’t connect with the other half. So what? I’m sure there’s some good stuff in here. Not everything has to be a winner. I started this blog with no focus & from writing I’m able to grasp some focus. That’s pretty cool.

What am I talking about again? Focus. Focus. Focus. Let’s look at the opposite side of that. What’s that look like, man? It isn’t pretty.

Have you ever looked down at a page… eh, let’s just use an example. My GRE prep book. Holy shit. I know I’m not stupid, but when I look down at those pages, my mind scatters. It has no clue what to pick up on or where to start. Did I used to be like that? No, I used to be just fine in school if I applied myself/went to class. Now? I want to be in class, I want to learn, yet something in my mind is saying I better not. I’ll embarrass myself if I take that test. I’ll never get an MBA. Will you even make it to the next day? What’s the point?

Yeah, trying having that little bugger roaming your mind all willy-nilly when you’re trying to learn how to do fucking fractions again. HA. God, it sucks.

And no, I will not take any damn Adderall or Ritalin. Noooooo way. That shit turns me into the Grinch. I am looking for natural solutions to solidify my focus. If you have any tips, please share!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.