Tag: blog

Another Good’un

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

To be quite honest with everyone reading this blog regularly, the last few days I’ve been a nightmare. I turned another corner for now, though.

Oh! Happy New Year, errybody! Can we kill the 2020 jokes now? I think they’re a bit worn out.

But today I had an upturn, uptick, whatever you want to call it. I started the day with a fantastic boxing coaching session with a lady friend of mine, followed by a dog party of four, finished with a bit of side work.

Oh! I also got the inspection on my new house done today. The inspector said nothing but glorious things about the structure & innards of the house. Very happy to move into this place soon. I need to get out of my parent’s house. Bad.

Well, that’s all I have today. Just another day where I want to write to you lot. I really do hope you’re doing pretty damn awesome nowadays.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Smile to Your Anger

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

I wake up in the morning a wildcard. I may look tired when I wake up, but I assure you, my mind has plenty of energy. At least negative energy. No valid thoughts, judgments, or anything, really. Just anger. Anger at others for no reason. Anger at myself for, well, stuff I still can’t thoroughly determine.

Yesterday morning was one of many examples. I unleashed on my parents, the people allowing me to stay with them as I close on a new house (finally got one this week). This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this is in the past month I’ve been with them. It’s a recurring process of yelling, arguing, & usually followed by many apologies.

To combat this issue, I need to learn how to listen to myself in the morning. How to tell myself this anger doesn’t stem from what’s around me, but from what’s within. I’ve leaned into a book called How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. So far it’s slapped me in the face with how terrible of a listener I am, but I hope to grow from it.

Growing yourself requires awareness. Awareness can come & go, though. Right now I have clear thoughts–in an hour I may have my brain dead brain back. I might lose control. I can’t, though. Or, let’s not say I can’t, but let’s say the regularity of it happening needs to slow the fuck down.

We “kill” our anger by smiling to it, holding it gently, looking deep to understand its roots and transforming it with understanding and compassion.

How to Fight, Thich Nhat Hanh, Page 20

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Presence Over Presents

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Might be trying too hard with the titles over here, who knows.

Hi, everybody! What are we discussing this Christmas Eve? PRESENTS. Or presence, I guess. The pros of presence. Or maybe the cons of presents. We’ll see where this thing goes. Oh. I’m going to be a bit of a Grinch, too. Ope, we might’ve figured out which direction this thing is going already.

Each year leads up to this time. A time of the year supposedly filled with happiness, joy, not a care in the world. Well, I (& I believe most of you) call bullshit. This time of the year is so damn stressful–& not for any reason that’s worth a damn. Earlier someone mentioned their family member passed & another one of their family members purchased the same gift for… well, I’m confusing myself already. Anyway, someone got another person the same gift. It was a HUGE deal. Almost ruined Christmas.

WHAT?!

Why do we care so much about what we give others & what we get from others? What the hell are we even doing anymore? We don’t care about being with one another. We care if we get the PS5 or if we get some new socks. The difference between those two can be life or death.

Christmas isn’t a celebration of you. It’s not a celebration of any of us. I’m not a believer (sorry, my believer readers), but I’m pretty sure it’s a celebration of Jesus. How about we STOP with the presents & just be present?

End rant. Merry Christmas!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Spurts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

We all go on spurts. Gambling spurts, traveling spurts, spurts of depression, etc..

Do you know what a spurt is? If not, here’s how Oxford Languages defines it: A sudden marked burst or increase of activity or speed.

A sudden burst equaling increased activity. For a guy like me, a guy who willingly plunges under the covers to throw away two hours just to get rid of those two hours, spurts can be day-changing. I’m going to hold back from saying “life-changing” for now… unless I can continue to ride this spurt till the sun comes up.

Anyway, what can a spurt do, you ask?

Since really getting going at 10 AM (now 7:30 PM), I’ve…

  • Written this blog (easy one)
  • Really struggling to recall now…
  • Oh, I put together a rough 10-year plan for my lifelong dream
  • Studied hyphens & I still have no fucking clue how they really work, like really WTF’s up with those
  • Demolished some spreadsheet stuff from work I put off for the past… four or so months
  • Took a COVID test (doesn’t bother me – not that I’m some tough guy, but… yeah, doesn’t bother me, not that I’m a tough guy or anything…)
  • Took the dogs on TWO, not one, but TWO walks
  • Showered (that’s a regular occurence, I swear)
  • Last night I took a woman out to look at lights (don’t worry, she had COVID like a week ago. She’s immune, they say – for now)
  • That last bullet sounded evil
  • Ooh, phrasing
  • OK, let’s get back on track, I cooked dinner for the folks (bacon, eggs to order, hash browns)
  • About to workout here on the living room floor (currently on COVID watch so can’t head to the gym)

OK, way too much information there. One of you shoulda said something. Tell me to shut up, cmon!

Hey, on a serious note, I hope you find spurts here or there on more occasions. Don’t be afraid to turn off once you feel your brain melting a bit. It’s always OK to rest. After a while, we can turn those spurts into some consistency. Hopefully, right?

I wish you well. Try not to beat yourself up.

Don’t Have Much To Do, Figured I’d Write To You

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

As we hit the holiday season, work slows down. Life slows down a bit. My Pops is now quarantined due to possible COVID exposure, so we’re just one … happy family living with each other 24/7. Should be a fun experiment.

Oh, that reminds me, I need a new damn house or a rental. Really, anything. I’ll take anything right now. I miss my independence, not having to pay attention to how loud I’m being, & just overall having a bit more freedom. I can’t thank my parents enough for allowing me to stay at their place while I look for a new home.

So, slow days. What do you lot do on slow days? I’m thinking of doing some data-mining for work (thrilling), reading a book, & I really need to check if a soccer match is on today. Also, I have my second & third job to attend to later this afternoon. Someone’s a boxing coach again! Can ya guess who it is?

On slow days, I find it best mentally to not stress yourself out with the amount of time you have on your hands. Do what you want to do. Maybe set a couple goals for the day, but if you’re struggling mentally, don’t ram your head into a brick wall if you don’t get everything done. There’s always another slow day coming your way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Checking In

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, everybody. Hope you’re all doing spectacular.

I haven’t put anything down on paper recently, and I really don’t have much to say today. I just felt like checking in with you lot.

I will say this morning has been easily my best morning in quite some time, especially after moving in with my parents for a short while so I can look for a good house/maybe a new state to live in.

I’m grateful for what I have, I really am. I need to remember that every day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Holding On

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

In my last post, I mentioned I was moving out of my first home ever purchased. So far, to the naked eye, it’s seemingly going great. I have food at my disposal at my new place of residence, people taking care of my laundry, etc.. The only problem: I’m almost 30 years old staying with my parents as I search for a new house.

I have a career, some money saved up, I know. It’s not bad. It could be a lot worse. I understand that. However, I’m still without passion. I still count down the hours of the day. I still can’t find anything to hold on to. I’m lost, & now more lost without a place to call my home.

I’ll find something soon enough. Problem there is, I don’t really know if I want to stay in this city. I don’t know if I want to stay in this state. I don’t know if I want to stay in this country. I’m just lost, man. I need something to hold on to.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Moving Out

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Monster

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

If you’re like me, you wake up without a clue on how you’ll feel for the rest of the day. And guess what? It’s our choice on how we want to feel. Now, do we get to that point of feeling good? That’s always up in the air.

I go to bed scared. Honestly, I do. It’s why I’m usually up till two, sometimes four in the morning. It’s scary as fuck to wake up. To bring your mind through its own warzone each & every day.

Wake up, look in the mirror, say you’re shit, take a shower, feel a bit better, get some food in ya, play with the dogs, see if the sun is out. Sun is out? Ah, damn, looks like you need to fill your day with shit. Ah, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, can’t really see anyone. What now? Do you read tonight? Maybe study? Will you have focus for that? Do you have any focus right now? Eh, maybe it’s best if you do everything tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better, right? Has to be.

I swear this thought process happens every morning for me right now. I don’t see an end to it. Each day is relatively the same. Yet, I do have my good days. These are days I need to build from. Days I need to recount when I’m having those shitty moments in the morning. Remember on long drives that I don’t always think negatively about myself. Stop torturing myself for my past.

Life’s full of ups & downs & guess what, we have to fucking deal with them. I’m sorting out mine. I hope you are, too.

Real quick, I read a quote not too long ago, forgive me for not remembering where I found it, but I want to put it on here.

“It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.”

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.