Tag: blog

Uncertainties

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

All of us have them. I mean, just look at today. Did I wake up today thinking they’d finally announce who won the presidency? Nope. I thought it’d take longer. I was uncertain about it.

This flows into almost everything in my life right now, outside the love I have for my family, friends, & of course the doggos. I don’t know what I’d like to do for work, even though many think I’m very happy with my current career. I’m scared as shit to move out of my house, even though many think I’m only experiencing excitement with the move. The list goes on & on.

But that first thing I mentioned is important to remember. We all live with uncertainties. What I’m living through is no more special than what you are living through, or what your significant other might be going through. It’s up to me to figure out how I feel about certain things in my life, how I’ll respond, & how I’ll combat any negativity down the line.

I’m uncertain about quite a things in my life, but I’m not uncertain about my strength.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Standing Firm

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

It’s not easy to do. Each day you wake up you’re faced with what seems like a minimal impact decision: Do I get out of bed?

It’s important to get out of bed, especially if you struggle with mental health. If you don’t get out of bed, you’re compounding the misery. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact. Giving yourself leeway, however, isn’t wrong to do. Sometimes it’s important, but whatever you decide on, stand firm on that decision.

This morning, for example, I woke up at a decent time. I don’t have a working shower so I’ve been using the gym till the plumber fixes the pipes at my house. I woke up & immediately thought, “There’s no way I get to the gym, shower, and back in time to get anything done for work.”

Now normally, at least over the past 6-7 months, I would’ve rolled over in bed & said fuck it. Today, however, I stood firm in what I planned to do today. I got out of bed, had one of the most lackluster gym sessions I’ve ever had, but guess what? I got out of bed. I did what I told myself I would do. I made the rest of my day less stressful due to that decision.

It doesn’t sound like much. And really, it isn’t much. But do what you can do to help yourself. Don’t let that little evil guy or girl inside your brain tell you no. Stand up to that fucker. Tell yourself I can do this. I will do this. And in turn, you’ll be able to say “I did it.”

Stand firm, people.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rescheduling

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

This week was a shitstorm, and it could’ve been handled much, much better. How? Well, by not procrastinating on every little & big thing. Outside of work, I waited last minute, sometimes asking for an extension on deadlines, on everything. GRE? Rescheduled. Another house showing? Rescheduled. Halloween? Rescheduled (till next year). I just didn’t have it in me this week, but each night before bed I told myself I’d be better the next day. I wasn’t. It just kept coming. Compounding my misery each & every new morning, making the mountain feel too tall to climb.

Yet here I am, at the end of the week on a Sunday scrambling to get everything done. And guess what? I did it. Proper forms over to the lender, test rescheduled (yes, yes, I know – just do it. I WILL!), bills paid, credit card handled, stuff moved into storage, & I still have time for a couple drinks with a few old best friends.

What’s the lesson here? Well, if you can avoid fucking yourself over with procrastination, do that. If not, realize that life isn’t over because you didn’t pay your citation on time or didn’t get the laundry done today. Adapt when needed. Grow from that change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What’s Been Going On

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, all!

Sorry I haven’t posted in a minute. Life’s been hectic. Very hectic. Let’s recap.

After 3-4 days of work, and thankfully a ton of help from my Pops, my house went on the market. It sold in LESS THAN 24 HOURS. Insane! Official close date isn’t till December, so I have some time – however, I don’t have a next spot to live. I’m currently searching for houses, but it’s not going so well. Hopefully a gem pops up over the next couple of weeks.

As for the rest of my life? Let’s not get into that on this post. Just a bunch of nonsense anyway, but things look up for me most days. That’s progress.

Cheers to a busy life!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Should Probably Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hey, everybody. Hope you’ve been well. Can’t remember the last time I put something up on here, so here comes another word vomit.

I’m selling my house soon. I was extremely excited about it, but now it feels like an overwhelming task. I can’t even keep a sleep schedule right now, how am I supposed to manage selling & buying a new house? My mental capacity is so very low right now, but what must be done must be done.

I also have a major test coming up in the month of November. Y’know, one of those tests that tells you if you’re smart enough to be in an MBA program. I’m a bit worried here, too, because… well, my mental capacity is extremely low. I’ve mentioned that before, haven’t I? I’m not poor at school, but I am experiencing a motivation drought. Oh how I long for the times where I’ve felt extremely positive, but those times come & go so quickly.

Managing stress is one of the most important skills you can learn throughout life. I’ve done a decent job at staying sane during these moments in my life through not expecting the world out of myself. Telling yourself that you will get this done, along with 100 other miscellaneous items, can be tasks too daunting for individuals like you & I to take head on. That’s why you must cut yourself some slack. Maybe you got 50 of those tasks done. That’s a win.

Don’t discount the work you’ve put in to get here. The reason you’re stressed is because so many things in your life are changing & guess what, most likely you’re the one creating that change. That’s a good thing. You can’t have a journey without multiple stops. Nothing is seamless.

What the fuck am I writing?

Anyway, just keep after it. Day after day, things will hopefully slow down for you like I hope they slow down for me. Who knows, maybe things will pick up even more – but I’m positioning myself to handle that. I hope you are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It Gets Better

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Example: Me.

Now look, I’m not 100% better. If you’ve followed my blog posts since August when I started this outlet, you know I’ve been struggling with many things in my life. Mainly passion, loneliness, & overall depression. Anxiety gets tossed in there, too. Can’t stand that shit.

Over the past couple of days I’ve actually seen progress. Is it from my meds? Who knows. Is it from my therapy? Again, who knows. Who really cares? If we try to find answers for everything in our lives, we’ll go absolutely mad. Whatever I’m doing is working. I’m not close to my normal self yet, but I’m making progress most days.

Weekends still suck. Way too much time on my hands on the weekends. Monday through Friday? Doing real well.

Work is going well although I am interviewing for other companies (keep all doors open), I’m putting my house up for sale at the end of this month, & my future is quite unknown. I’m not scared about that any longer. I’m excited for it. I haven’t felt excitement in months, so I’m acclimating to it the best I possibly can. I must make sure not to get overexcited, because I’m sure something will slap me in the face over the next few days. You’re quite dense if you think everything is going to go smoothly because all of a sudden you feel like somewhat like yourself again. At least that’s what I think. If you don’t agree, you are a much more positive person & I can’t fault for you that. No one can. Keep that positivity. It’s hard to get back. (Again, example: Me.)

It feels good to genuinely laugh again. To go on dates & actually want to go on dates. To hit the heavy bag with purpose. To golf with my father. To walk my dogs. To cooking some of my favorite meals. To going to a dog birthday party this weekend.

It’s starting to feel like I’m turning a corner. Let’s hope it lasts, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

It’s Been a Minute

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, everyone!

It’s been a while. I do apologize. I’ve been in the shit.

However! Tomorrow I head off to Maine for eight days. Very, very pumped about it. It’s time for a trip filled with restoration & almost no expectations. It’s really freeing to have something like this booked. A week on the river, right by the ocean, just a couple kayaks & me. I have a rental car to skedaddle anywhere I want in the state & who knows where that will be!

So let’s talk about the shit. I haven’t posted in a week, why? Well, like I said, I’ve been in the shit. Self-motivation? Big fat NOPE. Self-care? Big fat NOPE. Crying? Big fat YES. But things change. They do. This week had shitty weather anyway, maybe it’s not even my fault. One thing I do know: Who cares! We have another day to live tomorrow, another breath to take right now, & another smile to unearth sometime soon, hopefully.

What am I going to do on my trip? Disconnect. I will have to work, but I’ve told my team that I will be delegating quite a bit of my workload next week. They understand. It’s nice to have coworkers that understand (they won’t understand unless you’re honest about your situation – try that sometime). I have a list concocted by a work acquaintance of the best street to shop in a certain city in Maine, the best trails, the best foods, the best everything. Very excited to use that resource as somewhat of a compass throughout the trip. Props to the person that cared enough to share the list, right? Some good people out there.

Most importantly, I’m going to be doing nothing. Not nothing in the sense of just sitting on the couch like I’ve been doing this week, but nothing in the sense of expectations. Sometimes those pesky expectations weigh you down, drive guilt into your cranium, and make that heart puff up to the point of uncomfortability. I’m getting away from that next week & I cannot wait.

Will I write next week? Most likely. I tend to write when I do quite a bit of thinking, & I believe I’ll be doing quite a bit of thinking. I mean, it is just me & some kayaks.

I’m bringing four to five books with me, all untouched. If I don’t like the first few pages, bang!, I’m discarding the book. Well, maybe, they’re quite expensive. My point is: I’m doing what I want next week. Nothing more, nothing less, & that feels AMAZING to type out.

I hope you lot had a fantastic week. I hope to be on here more, writing my own shit & reading some of your great posts.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Long Weekends

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Here we go again.

I do well right now with a lot of structure. This weekend lacks structure. I’m freaking out a bit.

Labor Day weekend, a four to five day span where people get together & grill, laugh, etc. Usually I’d be all up for that, but this year it’s a bit different for me. I do have a couple minor things planned this weekend, like a Fantasy Football draft (totally forgot football existed… need to do research or I’m just throwing away $100) & some family time on a lake. Those two moments sound great, & I’m looking forward to them. The only problem? The time in between those moments. There’s too much time in between those moments.

As for my anxiety & depression check-in, it’s not going according to plan. I seem to bounce back ever so slightly, then poof, I’m right back in the shit. Can’t really pin down what’s the issue anymore. It’s really starting to be frustrating each & every morning I wake up. Again, if you have any tips, please advise.

You know, I could fill my time with other stuff this weekend. I’m studying for the GRE, a prerequisite test to get into an MBA program. I could bring my dogs to the dog park, but the older one tends to hurt herself within 15 minutes of playtime. I could also spend time finishing up the outside of the house, which is somewhat in the plans, so I can get ready to sell it at the end of this month.

All of those things sound great. Will I do them? Who knows. Life is seriously so predictable & unpredictable at the same time right now. Weird, right? I need change.

Change comes in a week’s time. Off to Maine for a week. Am I worried about the lack of structure I have set for that week? Yes, but I think I’ll do just fine. I better do just fine, hopefully a bit better than “just fine”.

Thank you for being my soundboard. Never seen a soundboard but I think I used the phrase correctly. As you can tell, I’m quite indecisive in life & it’s taking a toll on me.

I am somewhat happy, really, I am. I have a lot to be grateful for. A whole lot. However, something in my mind isn’t letting me embrace it all. That damn depression & anxiety. I’ll beat them someday. I will.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Racing Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes the mind just won’t shut up.

Majority of the time, time moves slow.

When you add up those two concretes in my life, things can get a bit dodgy. Half of the day I spend inside my own head – hell, probably more than half of the day. If someone’s not communicating with me or if I’m not neck deep in a show, book, or video game, there’s a good chance my mind is toying with itself. Also, there’s a good chance I’ve had 2,949,820,439 thoughts within a span of five minutes – mostly all bad, some tragic.

Oh! But it must be good to be such an active, critical thinker, right? WRONG. I don’t think about the world’s problems during these times, hell, sometimes I can’t even focus on what’s going on around me. My EEG results proved that this week. Boy, I do not recommend getting that exam done if you’re experiencing depression and/or anxiety in clumps. It just adds to the clump.

I have been somewhat eating recently, which is nice. I mean, mainly it’s a couple yogurt cups, a few protein shakes, and a lot of bananas – but hey, it’s something, & I’m up four pounds. I’m sure I’ll lose it again, but I just have to keep pushing.

What do you guys do when time seems to recycle itself? I feel like I’ve woken up in the exact same moment on the exact same day for the past three to four days. It isn’t fun. It’s quite the opposite. My psych this week told me, “You aren’t crazy, at least.” MAN, SHUT UP. I’m growing tired of psych appointments, I’ll be honest. They leave me in a poor mood & it’s starting to feel like a prescription factory.

Anyway, I don’t have much to write today. I just noticed that I haven’t written in a bit & it felt wrong to leave you lot stranded. I know a few of you read my stuff as soon as it comes out & I appreciate you for that. This blog is quite helpful along this journey.

BUT we’re not done! I have to finish with a positive. Maybe a couple today? Who knows, feelin’ wild.

Positive #1: I planted all of the bushes needed to make my house sellable. Sellable? Yeah, sellable. I think.

Positive #2: I’m doing well at work & other companies are noticing. It’s nice to see that others see more out of me than I currently do myself. Maybe they’re onto something.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Why Does Sad Music Feel So Good?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Whenever I’m in the dumps, I tend to float towards a very depressing music playlist. Songs strictly about depression, breakups, anxiety, & suicide. And for some reason it helps.

I think I know the reason: They’re going through the shit, too. When I’m down, I don’t want fucking Bruno Mars to sing me… hold on, let me go look up a song. Yeah, I don’t want to hear Bruno sing me 24K Magic, whatever the hell that is. It just doesn’t resonate with me. Hell, even in a good mood, still doesn’t. OK, enough about Bruno. This isn’t about him. This is about you & me.

I’m curious, do you also find depressing music comforting in times of doubt, shame, and defeat? The song Jocelyn Flores by XXXTenacion is currently playing as I write this. Why? Well, I’ve had a very similar experience to the lyrics in the song (I’m sure I’ll write about it one day). Also, artists who sing about real shit get my respect. I don’t think they care if they have my respect or not, but hey, any artists out there, remember your main audience: Depressed, creative people. We need you as much as you need us.

This is another one of those days where I really don’t have much to say, but again, I just enjoy writing to you lot. Today’s actually been quite amazing. My Pops came over for the day, I had a fantastic day at work, & I was pushed through to the final interview stage at a company I’d like to work at. Again, almost a 10/10 day, but I wish I could eat a bit more. Why can’t I just stay positive?! I was doing so well there!

OK, back to music. I’m not talking depressing music like… I don’t know, just soft stuff about breakups. If an artist creates a song about breakups that’s realistic, then I’m all for it. I find it helpful. Do you?

When an artist speaks of suicide, I find it helpful. Do you?

It’s nice to know that even the millionaires struggle – we have to remember that, we aren’t fucking alone here. We are the majority these days. We, The Sad. The individuals that will break from these chains & do some really, really cool shit in this world. Yeah, we’ll be dead one day, but how about we do some shit while we’re here? I think that sounds nice. Do you?

I’ll leave you with this: Next time you’re down on yourself, find a sad song and listen intently to the words, the melody, everything. Let the lyrics pull those feelings out of you, let the melody move those tears down your cheeks. Don’t be scared of listening to real shit. You need to hear it. You need to. We all know what running away does to us. We all know.

I really don’t know what the hell I typed here. I hope you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it. It’s about 90 degrees fahrenheit right now & I have about 10 mosquitoes feeding off my left arm & maybe my left butt cheek. I’ll find out later when I shower. Looks like it’s time to head back inside!

OH! Happy National Dog Day! (Don’t worry, this is the only “national” day that I actually give a damn about. Pet your pups!)

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.